Loved In Pieces (33 page)

“Hmm. Perhaps
you both will keep your hearts strong and manage to maintain your life
-long friendship. Give it time and
see what happens,” she said.

“Mom,
Byron stopped the kiss
or
I would have slept with him. How can I be both a cheat and
a prude
?
”

“No, that’
s not it, Marie
.
Byron loves you and draws you in with his sincerity. He’s
relentless. He disarmed me, too, remember. He glosses over objections. His love is not what you need. Y
ou shouldn’t be pushed into any
thing you don’t want to do. It’
s not fair to you and it ends up hurting every
one
, and you
the
most.
H
oney,
b
e proud of yourself. You stood up to Manuel.
”

She smiled sadly at me. She still had that haunting deep look of guilt and strain on her face. The look made me shudder.

“Mom, everyone wants and loves a piece of me. I want someone to love all of me. I saw last night that Manuel loves me but he doesn’
t even know me as an actor. It’
s like I’m three people,
Lia
, Marie and
Muse
.
Muse
is the actor, Marie is the high school student and
Lia
is
hol
ding the three together. Will a man ever love all of me and not just most of the pieces? Or will I always be a jigsaw puzzle that loses pieces every time it is moved from one surface to another? Will I ever be whole?
”

“Sweetheart, you need to be strong from the beginning, confident about your unique sensibilities and your own morality. You have a very strong spirit that guides you. You know what is right and wrong for
you
.
God will lead you
.”

“Mom, that sounds so corny.
Where
h
as God
been for me
?
” The way she talked made me uncomfortable. I talked openly about sex with her, but I felt weird talking about God with her.
We used to pray together
,
and it was natural. She took Manuel and me, and sometimes Kate and, later, Janet, to Sunday school every Sunday during our entire elementary school years. But we hadn’t prayed together for several years.

“I know you’re angry about Matthew, how we handled it. I’
m so sorry you can’t quit Muse.” She stopped talking and hugged me while she wiped her tears.

Mom
smiled, “Marie, you are whole. I need to get you some books to read. I’ll get you an appointment for a spiritual guidance counselor. I’ll give you some books
I have
here at the house
to read today. It might help you understand your spirit. I’ve failed you again.
I should have kept going to church with you after the divorce. You should have been confirmed.
I should have nurtured your spirituality.”

“What? Mom, no. I don’t really believe that stuff
anymore
.
You dragged me to church until I was thirteen and there was always such a disconnect.
There’
s so much “sin” in my world that the religious stuff doesn’t make sense to me. Marriage means nothing. Everyone gets divorced. People are constantly having affairs. Everyone has sex. If the
B
ible
is true, then
ninety-
nine percent
of the people I know in the world are going to hell for their sins. The only person I know who is kind and good like you’re supposed to be from the
teachings
is Celia. Honestly,
M
om, religion seems kind of absurd to me. The rules are totally unrealistic.”

“I wonder, though, if it might be what you need to find peace, to understand who you are.
Religion isn’t just about rules.
Your dad grew up in the peaceful Salish tribe. His step-dad, Bill, was Lutheran. I grew up
C
atholic
.
You seemed to like Sunday school, you had a good foundation. But then with the divorce, I didn’t think I belonged in church. I had sinned too much to be forgiven.
”

“
No
, you’re no sinner, Mom.
Y
ou’re too hard on yourself. Who cares if you had some affairs after the divorce? Sex is natural in a relationship. You’re way too old school.
” I smiled at her and shook my head. I still thought she was going off the deep end.

She continued, “
You must be confused about sex right now. It
is everywhere in this culture, but I was resolute. I’m a rule follower: no sex before marriage, no adultery. It was easy for me to be the Hollywood good girl because I believe
d
it so entirely. It
wa
s in my faith.” She paused, remembering someone fondly.

“
To me, sex with your dad was spiritual, loving, perfect.
The wonderful nun who taught
us sex-ed in eighth grade talked about how making love between a husband and wife was one of God’s gifts to us. It was the divine consummation of the sacrament of marriage. It was a holy union of two people who love each other. She said sex without love and oral sex were sinful because they did not celebrate the union of God’s love. I have found in my life that the nun’s words were true. Making love with Tom was an eclipse. I felt sinful with anyone else because I haven’t loved anyone else. I can see that you feel the sam
e way without being taught the
rules.”

I felt less uncomfortable. She continued, “I didn’t grow up in this L.A. culture. Tom didn’t grow up in this culture. I didn’t realize you would have such pressure at such a young age. I didn’t realize that all these high school kids and actors think that growing up means having
X-rated
sexual relationships.
Manuel has a
lways been such a wholesome guy. H
e has such a pure
soul
. I
t was quite a shock to see that he’s
fallen victim to the culture, too.
My heart ached for you when I saw your room but I’m proud of you for rejecting the experience.”

“Thanks, Mom. I th
ink porn i
s totally gross
. Manuel
was frustrated because he wanted to pleasure me and thought th
at I needed some help. But he knew it wasn’t right when we got home. I was pissed that Manuel doesn’t keep anything private
,
pissed Liz got involved.
”

“Liz said something about Manny becoming unglued about a threesome?”

I laughed, “Yeah. S
o Byron is stuck in the limo with us because he and Claire were having sex when Manny and I got in. She got out and went to my party. Manny’s shocked, right? Byron proposes to Manny that they work together to make me orgasm.” I sighed, “Oh, Mom, you could feel Manny’s anger. I worried that he’d pummel Byron. But at the same time, Alan told me yesterday that Manny and Mitch had shared Beth. I worried that it was true, which it wasn’t, of course.”

“Be careful of Alan. There’s something off with him.”

“Yeah, he scared me yesterday morning. He was waiting for me on San Vicente before my workout with Elise to give me my present and tell me the gossip
, which I think he started
. I’m gonna have Elise meet me here from now on.”

She moved on to a related thought. “I have made so many mistakes raising you. I was so busy working. I think you turned out very strong despite all of that. Your dad thinks you’re a filly
—
smart, gentle but incredibly strong and powerful, introspective
,
and beautiful.
You’re
unique.
You’re
wonderful
.”

“Thanks
,
” I sighed. “
That makes me
feel better.” She was corny but comforting
. I’d look through the books
,
have an open mind.

She moved my hair off of my face and looked at me softly in the eyes. “Stay true to who
m
you are and your friendship with Manuel will endure.
Remember that we all have both good and bad, light and dark, in us. We make mistakes.
Pretend to be someone
you’re
not and you both will have broken hearts.”

She was right. I listened and understood. I felt more peaceful.

“
You should go to bed now.
Let me tuck you in.
” She said as she helped me off the couch. “We’ll have a lovely breakfast tomorrow at the Huntley. I’ll have Attila prepare some comfort food for you this week. Sleep in.”

I was thinking about what she said as I fell asleep.
B
eing
committed
is much more significant than being married.
Marriage does not mean love and vice-versa. Almost every adult I know is gay, divorced
,
or remarried. Liz
and Carlos were happily married and so were
Beth’s and
Mitch
’s parents, but that was it
.
Sam’s mom was committed to her
current
partner, but Sam existed so that wasn’t her only relationship.
My first experience with Hollywood was confusing and it made my relationships with men confusing.
My experience with Matthew freaked me out.

I woke up to the sound of a text coming in. I checked th
e phone. It was just past 9 am.
The text was from Manuel, “Pls read email.”

He
wa
s gonna dump me. My shoulders slouched
, defeated
. I gulped as
I read the email
.

This is embarrassing. I should be more macho. I’m not. I was an idiot last night. I didn’t know who you were and I didn’t know who I was. You dancing
with Franz
in that sexy dress that flaunted your b
oob
s. Me wearing
metro-sexual
clothes. You eating that fancy food. All the gorgeous girls and
model and actor
guys. The party. Not knowing what to say. Standing there like an idiot. The cameras. I wanted to shove the cameras down their throats. Then the limo. That complete prick
who I worried had you
and then no shame at all. I wanted to kick him in the nuts and mess up his face.

Now you. You glowed at the restaurant and knew everything on the menu, like the bitches I bus tables for. You talked with your friends about the
fabulous
islands and resorts you’ve been to, the troubles with maintaining
your lake house
, the complications of
your mom
buying
her
own jet. I didn’t even know you owned a house on
some lake in Montana
. Crap like that I can’t even get my head around. All these people
—
guys and girls
—
kissing your lips, hugging, small talk, slutty dresses and sissy posers.

I was this miserable, dumb puppy at your side and you were this supernatural goddess having a really good time.

Then you were so calm, smiling with those assholes in our faces, the lights blinding. I can’t think, and you’re posing, taking charge. Then the limo. The guy
kisses you after we start dating, and you’
re laughing with him, talking to him,
listening to him prattle.
You say you
’
r
e
mine and he grins
and wants to share
.

After all that, the porno in your room.
You tell me you didn’t want to perform, that I’d get frustrated trying stuff. I asked my Mom for suggestions because I got frustrated. Nothing work
s
for you. I was pissed with myself for listening to her suggestions when I came over to get dressed. I knew you didn’t want anything naughty but didn’t know what to do.
But I want to give you all of me and make you happy.

You think I didn’t want to have sex before Kate because I was C
hristian
. It was out of principle. I didn’t want to
mess
up, be vulnerable, get distracted. Kate was safe to date because she didn’t want to
—
I didn’t have to worry about it.
But with you, it’s totally different, consuming. You’re beyond sexy.
I want to
have
you
all the time.
You tell me you want to be friends, to take our time
. I’m sorry I pressured you.