Loved In Pieces (32 page)

When I walked inside, I heard unfamiliar
sounds coming from my bedroom and t
he light
in
the kitchen was on.  We turned down the hall to my room, and he switched on the hall light. Rose petals were strewn on the floor of the hallway and a lovely bouquet of red roses sat on a small table at the end of the hallway next to my bedroom door. Three hearts cut from
red
construction paper were taped to the wall next to me with words in his handwriting. The conversation hearts read: Be Mine, I LOVE YOU, and
Happy birthday
from your loving Latino lover.

“Oh, it’s beautiful, Manuel. Thank you!”

I gave him a hug and kissed him. I was so happy. I kissed him again, starting to feel a warm glow in me.

“How did you do this? You were with me.”

He shrugged his shoulders. Something was bothering him but he was happier than he was in the limo. He explained,
“My mom. I gave her the code. We can change it if you want to?”

“I trust Liz. Rules are rules, though. I’ll change it tomorrow and text everyone to call Sage
for the new one
. I’m not m
ad. I’ll have to thank her. It’
s very special,” I
kissed him again softly.

“I’m so glad you like it,” he whispered. He pulled me off the floor into a bear hug, backed me up to
the hallway
wall, and began kissing me
passionately
. His hands moved all over my body. He unzipped my dress and touched my breasts. It felt nice.

I was distracted by a moan coming from somewhere. Then I heard grunts, another moan. I opened my eyes and stopped kissing him. It took him a
second
to stop caressing me.

“What’
s that sound?” I asked
.
It was a rhetorical question. In a second I realized it was a porno on the TV
in my room
.

H
e
stopped me.
“
Please don’t go to your room. It was a horrible mistake.
”

I was angry with him.
“
P
ornos are absolutely r
epulsive
—
not
happy-making!
”

He looked intently in my eyes. “I know. Please, go to the couch and
press delete
.
P
lease
. It’s been bugging me all night. I asked my mom to help me figure out how to make you feel better. She thought, maybe you weren’t turned on enough and needed more… Dad and I argued with her. Now I’m sure it wasn’t right.”

“Your mom did this? I
’m disgusted. There’
s being a good mom: supportive, caring, loving.  But helping
her
son prepare to have sex with his girlfriend
i
s
sick
.
Having sex with two guys at the same time?
Byron wanting to be our porno director?
Why d
o
n
’t people here see that
these ideas are
entirely
messed up
!
”

Seriously, if Manuel
wa
s going to be dating a celebrity, he need
ed
a big lesson in privacy. He
wa
s so honest with everyone. He
wa
s completely transparent. We
talked about it for years. He hate
d
being stared at when we
went
out in public. Already this year he hated being the mystery man reason for my breakup with
Byron
. But now he
wa
s the boyfriend. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

“I’m sorry, Manuel. I know you have the best intentions of anyone on the planet. But this is too much for me…
I don’t want any part of Byron’s life
!”

I walked to the living room. The light from the kitchen was enough to illuminate the room but not too much to ruin the view of the canyon from the glass wall of living ro
om windows. The darker the room,
the better the view
was
at night. I could see the lights from a yacht on the Pacific Ocean
, p
robably a birthday party for someone I knew. I g
o
t several invitations to yacht parties but
declined
because I d
id
n’t want to be trapped on some boat when I
was
ready to leave early. I always le
ft
early. I sat down on the couch and calmed down.

I heard
Manuel
get a bag from the kitchen and
go
to my room.
He turned off the
TV
.
Then I heard him stop at the entrance to the living room
.
He was holding
a
bag of stuff and l
ooked completely confused. I
had
hurt his feelings.

“Come sit with me, please,
” I said, not having the energy or the will to smile.

He didn’t want to come over
to me
. He was frustrated. I had ruined the one present he really wanted to give me
:
himself
.

But I didn’t want him
that
way: forced, cheap, naughty,
X
-rated. I didn’t want to have sex. I wanted to make love. He
wa
s an eighteen-year-
old
with
the best heart of any boy I kn
e
w, who grew up in a sex-focused culture with very sexy parents.
I kne
w what he and Kate did together.
I was her best friend and she had confided in me. I also knew what an ass he was to
some of the girls he dated. He didn’t tell me, but Alan did.
But I didn’t care about that. I cared
only
about
the way
he was with me.
He was loving, gentle, and kind
—and
frustrated. I knew I was broken somehow but still wanted to be with him even though he thought it was one-sided.
I had no idea how I could ever explain how I felt to him. I had no idea how he would ever comprehend what
I felt
.

I felt like the only eighteen
-
year
-
old birthday girl who wanted to slow this whole relationship-with-a-boy thing down. I just wanted to kiss and hold hands.

Manuel
was
my best friend. He deserved to be happy
.
I looked back out the window. I was not sad, not weepy. I was glum, hollow
,
bummed.
I would not be swayed to do something I didn’t want to do.
I was resolute.

“Tell me so
mething
—
t
he truth,” Manuel insisted.

“
I only want you—not Byron, not Evan, just you
.”

“No. T
he way
Byron
looked at you. He knows he can have you.
What the
hell
did you guys do the night
before prom
?”

I looked down, busted.
I admitted,
“
H
e came to my trailer
before the
wrap
party
to make me talk to him. We talked. He asked for one last kiss.”

“
Details.
How far did it go?”

I looked at Manuel. His face was stern and eyes were dark.
My heart raced. I swallowed the acid that burned my throat.
I
exhaled
,
“
I was in the shower when he was banging on my trailer door. I told him to go away. He was making a scene. He wanted to end my hostility
,
be friends
.
After we talked, h
e asked for a kiss. I kissed him.”

“Did he leave your robe on?”

I gulped
, surprised Manuel made the connection
.
“
No
.
He stopped the kiss and covered
me back up.
I hate that I d
idn’t reject him
.
I’ve thought about
why I
kissed him
a thousand times
.
I’m stupid
.
” I looked down again. “
I love you more than any
one
.
I’m
so
sorry.”

He stood in the doorway. Guilt turned into a need for answers. “Why did you kiss Beth the morning of
the
Oscars? You love us both. Why
choose
me and not her?”

“I told you.
I kissed her to prove to her that she’s full of shit. She thinks she’s everyone’s second choice. But she pushes all of us away. If she’s so in love with me
that she keeps dumping Mitch
th
e
n it shouldn’t matter that I love you more when you’re not mine.
She was so pissed that I was late for our ride, accused me of always dropping my commitments any moment you grazed my world. Of course I did/do. It’s you.” He sighed, “
She dumped Mitch the night before the Oscars because she was scared, not because she loved me more. The next morning I called her bluff. 
I told her I loved her, wanted her,
and
kissed her. She pushed me away.
That was my point. I knew she would.
”

“Did you and Mitch share her?”

“Alan’s rumor? No way, gross.”

“I hate that you love her. It drives me crazy.”

“Don’t be a hypocrite. You love Evan and clearly want Byron.”

“But I love you so much more.”

“
Ditto with Beth. And I would never just stand there!” He bit his lip. “
I think I should go home
,” he grumbled, looking down, still standing in the hallway. “
I left some presents for you in your room.
I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”

I
tried
to look into his eyes but he would not look up.
I added,
“I want you to know that I appreciat
e you and love you. I’m sorry.”
I looked back out the window and h
eard the door close.
Sadness and fear that I lost Manuel left me breathless.
A
vacuum
greater than
anything
I had ever
felt crushed me.
It was a black hole.

S
omeone’s warm body
propped up my head
. Her hand was on my arm.
A blanket warmed my legs.
In my bad dreams, I was convinced that Manuel dumped me.
I was a Borg, assimilated into the collective. I became the Borg Queen.
I woke up sure
that
I was going to be alone
with thousands of voices in my head sharing their intrusive thoughts
.

“Mom!” I sat up and snuggled into her.
She had told me that she was going back to work after the party. She was in the middle of
shoot
ing. I didn’t expect her to have stayed.

It was still dark outside. I didn’t go back to my room. I changed in
Mom
’s room, washed my face and borrowed her robe. I sat back on the couch and looked out the window for a very long time, feeling numb. I fell asleep
maybe an hour after Manuel left
.

“Oh
,
honey
. I’m sorry. Liz called me. She’s very sorry. I
blew all of the candles out in
your room
and cleaned up the petals on the floor
.
Manuel left you some presents and they are in a bag in your closet.
I understand completely how you feel, but it will be hard for Manuel to understand. He’s just a boy,
his mom is an idiot
, and Byron
manipulates you
.”

“I’m worried that he’s going to dump me.” I confided. “We’ve been friends for
sixteen
years and now it will end because it got sexual. He’s going to break my heart,
M
om.”