Loved In Pieces (15 page)

I
desperately
wrapped
my arms around hi
s tense body
.
“Please don’t leave me,” I begged.

The anger that flowed from his pores subsided, replaced by his signature calm
glow.
He
slouched
while he picked up the photo of us that was on my nightstand.
I realized that for all this time, Manuel contained his passion. It was physical and emotional for him. When he released his tension, he surrendered to me again.
I looked at the photo, too.

It
pictured
us
and our dads in front of the Rainbow
Bridge National Monument
.
Both of our dads are gorgeous men with ethnicity that’s not immediately obvious. Carlos, his dad, is the son of a German Jew and Argentinian Catholic. My dad is Bitterroot Salish Native American. In the photo,
Manuel a
nd I were fourteen and did
a ‘vision quest’ the night before. We
talked
and held hands when we slept
outside in our sleeping bags after hiking fifteen miles on Navajo tribal lands
. I enjoyed the warmth from his hand and breathed
in his body’s comforting
aroma
.
That night I first hoped that Manuel would someday be my husband.

He
turned to me and
studied my face. “
I’m sorry.
Marie
, you’re my best friend.
I was
pissed
but not anymore
.
”
He
relaxed
completely
.
“
I need to understand what’s going on in your mind. You never said you were scared with Evan, just that you guys got frustrated. But to me and Byron you said you’re broken.
”
He turned into the bed
and covered both of us with the sheets.  “
W
hat happened with
Matthew
?
”

Relieved that he
understood
me,
I closed my eyes
.
“
I told you.
He would have raped me if Sashi wasn’t there.
I
f I made it public, I’d be
skewered
in the media
and he’d barely suffer. So
we
punish
ed
him by taking away his millions in royalties and dumping his contract.
I feel
betrayed but also
responsible for kissing him when I knew I shouldn’t
have
. But I hate him. I hate the look he had in his eyes. I hate that he called me a tease.
” I put my hand in his. “
You know what hurts
,
not as intensely
,
but
thoroughly?
Ira and Richard would sue me if I quit.
Mom won’t support me quitting, either.
I can barely breathe when I think about it.”

“You’ve learned to shut up and take it.
Please
unlearn that—you need to speak up.”
He caressed my arm. “W
hy
did
you mess
around with Bryon so soon
?
”

I shrugged my shoulders,
“
Th
e U
ARY
s have
changed me
.
” Manuel knew I talked about the movie awards season. He had an alternative for the acronym: Use Awards and Ruin Yourself. “
I’m
so lonely
—empty
.
And
Byron has some power over me.
” I felt compelled to kiss his chest.

“
You were pretty focused on
having sex
just now.
Why
?
”

“
Losing Evan cut me but losing you would kill me.
”

“I’m not following you. Why would you lose me?”

I admitted,
“
Evan didn’t think I loved him because I didn’t want to sleep with him.
I’m not going to let my dysfunctional body come between us
.
Elise says it
only hurts for a minute. It seems like the price to pay to keep you as my boyfriend.
”

“That’s messed up, Marie
.
Y
ou actors think about suffering all wrong. You think that getting reamed is the price of fame. Isn’t it enough that you work so hard so that people can enjoy
your
movie
s
?
I mean, do you think anyone could act? I couldn’t do it. Byron can’t.
The director says “go” and you can just put who you are in a safe deposit box and start crying, screaming, pleading,
or
looking forlorn...”

I interrupted with a chuckle, “It’s not a safe deposit box. We say “emotional safety box.” Mom calls it “compartmentalizing.”

“No. You put all of your treasures and the contracts that bind you into a safe deposit box. You pay fees to have some bank hold your box outside of yourself so you still have everything important to you after your house burns down. I’ve seen you act
,
and
I’m
your
fee-free
bank.”

I looked at him surprised that he saw my life more clearly than I did.

He asked another question,
“
Why do you think
people
have a right to invade your privacy, too
, just because you’re paid well
?
Professional athletes have lives. Doctors
and lawyers
have lives. Hell,
CEOs and
Wall Street
partners
have great, anonymous lives and get paid more than
any of you do
.
No one has the right to destroy you emotionally.
”

He was right. I loved his insights. I needed to see life through his eyes. “You’re so smart,
my man
.
Thanks.
”
I smiled at him appreciatively.
“
So you’ll stay, wait for me until I get off work?”

He put his hand on my cheek.
“Liana Marie, I’m yours
, forever
. If you start it, I’m gonna want to
and will be really pissed if you’re playing games
.
You have to understand, I could never forgive myself if I hurt you.
Sure, I’m religious, but I have no problem justifying making love with the only girl I’ve always loved and want to marry.
Just d
on’t
pull that shit again
.
”

He
got
up and helped me off the bed.
He shuddered and smiled when he looked at my body.
“
Wow. You’
re impossibly hot.”
He kissed my cheek. “I promise;
I’m not going to bail on you if I don’t get some.”

I melted into his honest eyes. “I love your values.”

“You have great values, too. You’re a little confused, but I’ll help you get back on track. You’re so strong
already
.”

I kissed hi
s perfect lips
.
Comf
orted, I relaxed for a minute.

Spring in Santa Monica
invigorated me
. The weather
wa
s predictably warm and sunny, right before ‘June Gloom’
set
in, sometime in May.
A
ll the trees and flowers
blossomed, filling the air with
delightful
fragrant blends and the landscape with striking color combinations
. The bougainvillea
wa
s a rich fuchsia color against its deep green branches, and the trees along San Vicente Boulevard ha
d
bright orange blossoms. At night from my terrace overlooking the Pacific Ocean, I smell
ed
the
perfume
from the purple wisteria on my patio and hear
d
the
waves hit the beach from a half-
mile away.

I
craved nature’s power
since
I
decided to decline renegotiating all of
the
existing industry contracts
up for
renew
al
.
All actors were replaceable
. E
veryone who owned a piece of me liked to think that I was not
.
But if I didn’t walk away, I’d be trapped working for the studio for another five years and
doing
three additional feature films. I’d have to promote those three films.
I’d have to maintain my brand.
I could no longer do that.

My seventh feature wrapped
two months behind schedule
. It was time to go home and enjoy being a high school student in love with her boyfriend. It was time to face my fear of speaking up.

Aware of the knot in my stomach, I texted
Dad
, “Pls call asap.”

Dad
, Tom Durglo,
also turned his back on the film industry before he and
Mom
divorced, and he lived through it
. H
e thrived actually.
C
ontent living in Palo Alto, California with his wife, Celia,
he
tend
ed
to his horses and r
an
a large animal veterinar
y
clinic in Woodside.

Dad
met
Mom
when she was
twenty years old,
shooting
The Scent of a Rose
western
in Montana
, the sequel to
The Mountain Rose
.
Rose frees a captured innocent
Arapaho
American Indian from the U
.
S
.
Cavalry. In the scene, Rose and the Indian look deeply into each other’s eyes and share a look of compassion and thankfulness before the Indian escapes into the brush and Rose escapes undetected. 
Dad
took the part for fun without the intention of committing to the two sequels that followed. But the scene was so powerful in the theaters that
Dad
stumbled upon an acting career.

It wasn’t until the next film,
Rose Blush
, that
Dad
and
Mom
became a couple. They married right before the
premiere
of
Rose Blush
, and the critics and fans loved the film. 
Dad
was
a
sex symbol
and
Mom
was critically acclaimed. Then she got pregnant with me. Oops.

Of course, they were both contractually obligated to do the fo
u
rth film
,
A Single Rose
, the same name
as the TV series. 
In
it
, Rose is pregnant, the U
.
S
.
Cavalry kills
Dad
’s character, the community sorts out the injustice, compassion rules, and Rose has the baby. End of movie. The TV series focused on the obs
tacles Rose faced raising her bi
-racial son in Southern Montana and
taught compassion and thankfulness to all who witnessed her inner and outer beauty.

But
Dad
was done. He didn’t want to be an actor. He wanted to be with his wife and have
kids, teach them to ride horses and go fishing.
Mom
was in contract for several more years.
A
cting was her life
,
and s
he was very good at it. They were at an impasse.

Mom
’s series ran eight seasons and was getting stale.
Instead of walking away from
Hollywood
, she agreed to
co-
produce a drama in which she would star as the adult victim of child
rape
in a small town where I would play the child victim in the flash-back scenes. She thought the drama would be riveting enough to get her back on the A-list.  I
went
along for the ride. And
Dad
fumed
!