Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (5 page)

Focus on the question “What do they
need
to know?” If you’re telling people what they already know they will be bored. They will not want to put in the effort of listening to you if within your 15-minute rant there’s not a single point they don’t already know. I know it’s tempting to make every point you can, but keep some in reserve. Listen to the response of the other person. Are they taking your three main points on board, or do you need to explain them? Are they nearly persuaded by your three points, in which case some of your secondary points may be useful? Are they very knowledgeable about the issue? In that case you need to tread carefully!

Enthusiasm

Be enthusiastic about your argument. There’s nothing wrong in showing people that you care about the issue. In your arguments don’t be aggressive, but do be positive and lively. If you come across as bored or disinterested, you shouldn’t be surprised if people feel the same about what you’re saying!

Get the start right

When you start your argument you want to get people seeing the issue from your side right away. Lawyers know this well. Their opening speeches seek to influence the perspective from which juries look at the case:

Getting it right

Lawyer for the defense: “This is a case of an innocent family man, wrongly identified by a confused witness, who has been brutally beaten by the police. You must stand up for the rights of the innocent.”

Lawyer for the prosecution: “This man has savagely attacked a helpless grandmother in her own home. There is plenty of evidence against him. We must protect society against this menace.”

OK, perhaps they wouldn’t put it quite like that, but you get the idea. A lawyer’s opening is key because they want the jury to look at the evidence from a particular perspective. So if, for example, you want to argue that adopting a particular proposal will severely endanger the financial well-being of your company you want those you’re talking to to look at all the evidence, asking “What are the financial risks here and how will they affect me?” If you can get them to consider the proposal from that perspective, you will be well on your way to winning your case.

Burden of proof

This is a really important issue in arguing, but many people don’t appreciate its significance. Consider a chair of a meeting who says this:

“Well, this proposal looks very interesting. Can anyone think of any reason why we should not proceed?”

By putting the question this way the chair has put the burden of proof on those who don’t think that the proposal should go ahead. There’s no need to make the case for the proposal, that’s assumed. Imagine if the chair had said:

“Well, here’s the proposal. Does anyone think a convincing case has been made to adopt this?”

Hence the approach to take in arguing in favor of buying a particular new car is to say:

“Give me one good reason why we should not buy this car.”

By saying this the assumption is made that buying the car is good. You might have said:

“Give me one good reason why we should buy this car.”

But that would put the burden of proof on finding good reasons to purchase the car. So in arguing, seek to steer the argument into asking why your point of view should not be accepted. That way skeptics will remain on your side, unless they’re convinced that there is a good reason to go against you.

Threes

All good things come in threes. An exaggeration, maybe, but remember:

Snap, Crackle and Pop!

Advertisers often use trios. They know they work.

Numbering your points might sound rather formal but it helps the listener to see where you’re going and helps them to remember. It also helps the listener realize there’s a limit to how long they will need to listen to you.

“There are three main reasons why I think we should support this project. First ...”

This assures your listeners that you’re not talking off the top of your head. You have thought through the issue and respect the fact that they have limited time.

Don’t be one-sided

The temptation when arguing is to present just your side of the argument. Door-to-door salespeople will always do this. They’ll list all of the benefits of purchasing the product and try to avoid you thinking about the disadvantages: most obviously the fact it will cost you a lot of money! And I’m sure we’ve all met pessimists who, with every proposal, consider only the down sides. A pessimist will greet every proposal for a vacation with:

“Well, it may rain; the hotel may be awful; I’ll hate the food and it will be so expensive.”

It’s a wonder some people ever get out of bed! Or get in it, for that matter!

A really good argument, however, will seek to respond to those points that may be raised by the other side. Indeed, if you’re able to present the argument against your proposal and then dismiss it that can take the wind out of your opponent’s sails. If they try to repeat the argument then it sounds as if they’re being repetitious and those listening will already have a negative view about it.

There’s obviously a slight danger here. If you go on too much about the other side’s arguments you may start sowing seeds of doubt into your listener. You may even give opponents a good idea about arguments to use against you! I suggest two key rules:

• Don’t raise a counter-argument unless you have a good response to it.

• Do raise a counter-argument if there’s an obvious response.

Tip

Rebut your opponent’s arguments in advance when you can. Otherwise don’t mention them!

The use of humor

Humor can be very important in winning an argument. It can play an important role in getting people on your side. If you manage to start your argument with a good joke, people may be more likely to listen to what you say in the hope that you might have another one! Laughter can unite your audience and help them associate themselves with you.

There are, however, dangers with humor. Two in particular come to mind. First, it might distract those listening to you. I’m sure we have all heard talks and at the end said, “That was hilarious, but what was it he was saying?” That might not matter if you’re just trying to get people to like you, for example, if you’re running for an election. But it does if you’re trying to get a serious point across. So using jokes as light-hearted contrast is something to be encouraged, but don’t overdo it.

Secondly, it is generally best to avoid “cruel” humor.

Getting it wrong

“I don’t know what makes you so stupid but it’s working.”

“I’m a little busy right now. Could I ignore you some other time?”

Making an unpleasant remark about the person you’re disagreeing with may generate a quick laugh, but it’s unlikely to endear you or your argument to those listening and is certainly unlikely to mean you’ll have a productive discussion with the person you’re talking to. You want people laughing with you, not at your opponent.

Use emotional associations

Restaurants, it’s said, charge on average 15 percent more for dishes that refer to “Mom’s specials.” It’s amazing how a homey analogy can make something ordinary appear special. That’s true too of arguments.

For many of us there are words or images or smells that convey a host of emotions. Not for nothing do real estate agents suggest brewing coffee or baking bread just before a potential purchaser comes to look at a house. Advertisers pay huge sums for celebrities to promote their product and they think carefully of the associations that are drawn. With one figure you may immediately think of reliability and trustworthiness and so they’re used to promote financial products. Another personality is associated with beauty or sexiness and so they’re used to promote a perfume.

So when making arguments make use of positive associations. What association do you want with your argument? Are you wanting to appear ruthless? Kindly? Financially astute? Associate your argument with things that your listeners will associate with a particular attribute.

Useful example

“This proposal is as short and sharp as Donald Trump’s way of firing people.”

Think carefully about the words you use. As we all know, words can convey a loaded meaning. Tabloid writers know this well:

“PERVERT STALKS TEENS”

is a far more eye-catching headline than:

“MAN FOUND LOITERING OUTSIDE SCHOOL”

The use of words can be very important. When thinking about how to express your argument choose the words that express the case strongly. Sometimes an ear-catching phrase can win an argument more effectively than a hundred statistics.

The abusive analogy

This involves linking the argument of another person with something unpleasant. In other words one pours scorn on the argument of another, but by sprinkling it with wit the attack is more attractive. There’s always a danger that in rejecting someone’s argument forcefully you will come across as rude. This is unlikely to be productive for your relationship with the person you’re arguing with or those listening. Using a humorous comparison can enable you to be rude about the other person without appearing mean! It must, however, be treated with care. Get it wrong and you can lose the sympathy of those you’re talking to. For example, consider this description of a person’s argument:

Useful example

“A speech like a Texas longhorn: a point here, a point there, but a whole lot of bull in between.”

Keep cool

It’s crucial to keep cool. A certain way to lose an argument is to start shouting at the other person. I remember seeing a father once screaming as loudly as he could at his toddler: “I’m a loving father, you must do what I say.” The aggression in his voice spoke more loudly than the content of his words.

Yet we all know that tempers are one of the first things lost in many arguments. It’s easy to say one should keep cool, but how do you do it?

The first point to remember is that sometimes in arguments the other person is trying to get you to be angry. They may be saying things that are deliberately designed to annoy you. They know that if they get you to lose your cool you’ll say something that sounds foolish; you’ll simply get angry and then it will be impossible for you to win the argument. Notice how rarely politicians get angry. They know that appearing to lose their cool will cost them any appeal with voters. So don’t fall for it. A remark may be made to incite your anger, but responding with a cool answer that focuses on the issue raised is likely to be most effective. Indeed any perceptive listener will admire the fact that you didn’t “rise to the bait.”

Tip

Be aware that the other person might be trying to annoy you. Be aware of the kinds of situations where you might get angry. Avoid them.

If you feel yourself getting angry, keep calm and focused on the issue. If the person has said something personal against you, ignore it.

Bob:    “You’re a fascist racist. You’re scum.”

Tom:    “Bob, look, we’re talking about whether positive discrimination should be allowed. This is a complex issue. Now, I was saying that setting quotas of employees from minority groups could lead to resentment against them and set back the cause of anti-discrimination. What do you think of that argument?”

Tom here has ignored Bob’s insult and returned to the theme. He could so easily have responded with a personal insult in return, but the argument would have gone nowhere. Of course, it may be that Bob returns with more personal insults in which case it may be best for Tom to stop the argument.

Secondly, get to know the warning signs. There are normally some physical sensations associated with getting angry: your face feels hot, your heart rate increases, you feel heightened emotions. Get to know what it feels like for you to begin to feel angry so that you can put in early preventive measures.

Also watch out for situations, words or issues that get you worked up. Some people react angrily if their authority is threatened, if their integrity is questioned, or if they feel they are being told what to do. It will be different for each person. If you know those situations you can watch out for them.

Thirdly, if you feel your pulse racing and you’re beginning to get angry, keep quiet. Take a deep breath. It may be that the best thing to do is to say: “I think we should talk about this another time.” If necessary, walk away. Go and get a drink of water or, if possible, lie down. Keep saying to yourself: “I’m not going to get angry about this” (not too loudly though!).

Walking away might not be the ideal thing to do but it will nearly always be better than getting angry. You’ll be able to address the issue better once you’ve calmed down. If you can’t do that then count to ten slowly, or make a mental list of your friends. Do something to take your mind off angry thoughts. Plan in advance what you will think about if you feel yourself getting angry.

Fourthly, it may well help saying aloud that what the person has said has upset you. Admitting that you are upset will help you and help the other person understand the effect the conversation is having on you. You can acknowledge the other person’s views quite simply:

“I realize what you have just said is your religious view, but I’m very upset by it.”

Fifthly, keep your voice quiet and well modulated. Many people who shout are unaware they’re doing so. If you think you’re speaking forcefully, you’re probably shouting. So deliberately speak quietly.