Man From the USSR & Other Plays (24 page)

What else.... Hey, listen, what about those paintings—are you sure they are not fakes?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

No, they are mine. Painted them myself.

 

BARBOSHIN

So they
are
fakes! You know, you really ought to consult an expert. Now tell me—what would you like me to undertake tomorrow?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Tomorrow morning, about eight, you'll come up and see me. By the way, here's the key. Then we'll decide what to do next.

 

BARBOSHIN

I have grandiose plans! Did you know that I am able to eavesdrop on the counter-client's thoughts? Yes, tomorrow I'll be shadowing his intentions. What is his last name? I think you told me.... It began with “Sh.” Do you happen to remember?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Leonid Viktorovich Barbashin.

 

BARBOSHIN

No, no—don't mix things up: the name is Barboshin, Al'fred Afanasyevich.

 

LYUBOV'

Can't you see, Alyosha? He's a sick man.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The man who threatens us is named Barbashin.

 

BARBOSHIN

And I'm telling you my name is Barboshin. Al'fred Barboshin. Which is, incidentally, one of my many authentic names. Mmm—what marvelous plans! Oh, you'll see! Life will be beautiful. Life will taste good. Birds will sing among the sticky young leaves, the blind shall hear, and the deaf-and-dumb shall see. Young women shall lift up their raspberry-colored infants to the sun. Yesterday's enemies shall embrace each other. And the enemies of their enemies. And the enemies of their children. And the children of their enemies. You only have to believe.... Now give me a straight and simple answer: do you have a gun in the house?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

No, alas! I would have gotten one, but I don't know how to use itl I'm afraid even to touch a gun. You must understand that I am an artist. I don't know how to do anything.

 

BARBOSHIN

I recognize my youth in you. I was like that too—a poet, a student, a dreamer.... Under the chestnut trees of Heidelberg I loved an amazon.... But life has taught me many things. O.K. Let's not stir up the past,
(sings)
“Well, shall we start....”
⁸
All right—I'm off to walk beneath your windows, while over you hover Cupid, Morpheus, and little Valium. Tell me, Mister—you don't happen to have a cigarette, do you?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I'm a nonsmoker myself ... but I saw some somewhere.... Lyuba, Ryovshin forgot a pack here this morning. Where is it? Oh, here.

 

BARBOSHIN

It will cheer me up during my hours of vigil. Only take me out the back way, through the yard. It's more proper that way.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, in that case, this way please.

 

BARBOSHIN

(bowing deeply to Lyubov')
I bow, also, to all the misunderstood...

 

LYUBOV'

All right, I'll pass it on.

 

BARBOSHIN

I thank you.
(leaves with Troshcheykin to the left Lyubov' is alone for a few seconds. Troshcheykin returns hurriedly.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Matches! Where are the matches? He needs matches.

 

LYUBOV'

For God's sake, get him out of here quick. Where is he?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I left him on the back stairs. I'll see him out and be back in a minute. Don't worry. The matches!

 

LYUBOV'

There they are, right under your nose.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I don't know about you, Lyuba, but my spirits are a lot better after that conversation. He seems to be a great expert in his field, and there's something very original and cozy about him. Don't you think so?

 

LYUBOV'

As far as I'm concerned, he's insane. Go.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Be right back.
(Troshcheykin runs off to the left. Lyubov' is alone for about three seconds. The doorbell rings. A tfirst she freezes, then quickly goes off to the right. The stage remains empty. Through the open door can be heard the voice of Meshaev Two, and presently he enters, carrying a basket of apples, and accompanied by Lyubov'. His appearance can be deduced from the following dialogue.)

 

MESHAEV TWO

So you're sure I didn't make a mistake? Mrs. Opayashin does live here?

 

LYUBOV'

Yes, she's my mother.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Ah! Glad to know you.

 

LYUBOV'

You can put it here....

 

MESHAEV TWO

Oh, don't bother—I'U just place it on the floor.... You see, my brother told me to come here as soon as I arrived. Is he here yet? Don't tell me I'm the first guest?

 

LYUBOV'

Actually, we expected you in the afternoon, for tea. But that's all right. Let me go look—I'm sure Mama isn't asleep yet.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Oh my Lord—did I get it all wrong? What a mix-up! Forgive me.... I'm awfully embarrassed. Don't wake her, please. Here, I've brought some apples—please give them to her, and ask her to excuse me. I'll be running along....

 

LYUBOV'

No, no—I won't hear of it. Do sit down. If only she's not asleep, she'll be very glad.
(Troshcheykin enters and stops in his tracks.)

 

LYUBOV'

Alyosha, this is Osip Mikheyevich's brother.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Brother? Oh, yes, of course. Welcome.

 

MESHAEV TWO

I feel so guilty....I don't have the honor of knowing Mrs. Opayashin personally. But a few days ago I informed Osip that I would be coming here on business, and yesterday he answers to shoot right over from the station to the birthday party—we'll meet there, he says.

 

LYUBOV'

I'll go tell her right away,
(goes out)

 

MESHAEV TWO

Since I'd written him that I was coming on the evening express train, I naturally concluded from his answer that Mrs. Opayashin's party was in the evening, too. Either I wrote him the wrong arrival time or he didn't pay attention to my letter, which is more likely. Hell of a shame. So you must be her son?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Son-in-law.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Ah, the husband of this charming lady. So. I see you're amazed by my resemblance to my brother.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, well, you know-nothing could amaze me today. I'm in bad trouble....

 

MESHAEV TWO

Yes, everybody's complaining. If only you lived in the country!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Actually, the resemblance
is
amazing.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Today, quite by chance, I ran into a jokester I hadn't seen since I was a boy. He once made a comment to the effect that both I and my brother were played by one and the same actor, only in the part of my brother he was good, and in mine he was bad.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

You seem to be balder.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Alas! Bald as a billiard ball, as they say.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Excuse me for yawning. It's a purely nervous phenomenon.

 

MESHAEV TWO

City life—there's nothing you can do. As for me, I haven't budged from my blessed wilderness for close on to ten years now. Don't read the papers, raise shaggy-legged chickens, have oodles of kiddies, an orchard, a wife that big. Came to town to shop for a tractor. Are you and my brother close friends? Or did you only meet him at your mother-in-law's?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Yes, at my mother—ex-ca-a-use me, pa-pa-please....
(yawns)

 

MESHAEV TWO

Don't mention it. Yes.... He and I don't hit it off too well together. Haven't seen him in a good long while—several years—and, to be frank, the separation has never been much of a burden to either of us. But since I
was
coming, it would have been awkward not to let him know. I'm beginning to think he deliberately behaved like a pig toward me: and that's as far as his knowledge of pig-raising goes.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Yes, that's not unusual.... I don't know much about it either....

 

MESHAEV TWO

I gather from his letter that Mrs. Opayashin is a literary figure? Alas, I don't keep up much with literature.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, well, you know, her kind of literature is unremarkable. Oh-ha-a-a.
(yawns)

 

MESHAEV TWO

And apparently does some drawing, too.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

No, no—this is
my
studio.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Oh, so you're a picture-painter! That's interesting. I've done a bit of that myself in the winter, to pass the time. Also used to fool around with the occult sciences at one time. So these are your paintings.... May I have a look?
(puts on a pince-nez)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Go ahead,
(pause)
This one isn't finished.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Very good! A daring brush.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Excuse me, I'd like to take a look out the window.

 

MESHAEV TWO

(returning the pince-nez to its case)
It's such a shame. How embarrassing—to have your mother-in-law dragged out of bed because of me. After all, she doesn't even know me. I sailed in under my brother's flag.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Look, how amusing.

 

MESHAEV TWO

I don't understand. The moon, the street. I'd sooner say it was melancholy.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Look—he's walking. There! He's crossed. And again. Most comforting sight.

 

MESHAEV TWO

A belated reveler. I hear they do a lot of drinking in this town.
(Enter Antonina Pavlovna and Lyubov ' carrying a tray.)

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Goodness, what a likeness!

 

MESHAEV TWO

Honored.... Happy birthday....I took the liberty.... They're from my farm.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Shame on you for spoiling me like this. Sit down, please. My daughter has explained everything.

 

MESHAEV TWO

I'm very embarrassed. Surely you were resting?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Oh, I'm a night owl. Come, tell me about yourself. So you spend all your time in the country?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Lyuba, isn't that the phone?

 

LYUBOV'

Yes, I think so. I'll go....

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

No, I'll go.
(Troshcheykin goes out.)

 

MESHAEV TWO

Never budge. Raise chickens, produce children, don't read the papers.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Cup of tea? Or would you rather have a snack?

 

MESHAEV TWO

Well, actually...

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Lyuba, there's some ham left. Oh, you brought it already. Fine. Help yourself. It's Mikhey Mikheyevich, right?

 

MESHAEV TWO

Much obliged. Yes, Mikhey's the name.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Please help yourself. We had cake but the guests ate it all. We were looking forward so much to your coming! Your brother thought you had missed your train. Lyuba, there isn't enough sugar here,
(to Mikhey Mikheyevich)
Today, due to the event, our household is a little out of kilter.

 

MESHAEV TWO

The event?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Oh, you know—today's sensation. We're so worried....

 

LYUBOV'

Mummy, dear, Mr. Meshaev couldn't care less about our private business.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I thought he knew. In any case, I'm delighted that you arrived. On a nervous night like this it's good to have some one calm around.

 

MESHAEV TWO

Yup. You might say I've grown unaccustomed to your city alarms.