Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (17 page)

She smiled up at him as she took a bite of her cupcake.

It was so strange. Almost like they were on a date.

The thought made her feel ridiculously shy, so she kept her
eyes on her cupcake, licking the cream cheese icing off her fingers as she ate.

It kept feeling like Daniel was looking at her, though, so
she finally glanced up to see.

When she saw his eyes were indeed resting on her, she asked,
“Do I have icing on my face?”

“A little,” he murmured, reaching over and swiping the
corner of her lip with his thumb.

For some reason, the little gesture made her shiver.

“Is it gone?” she asked, trying to sound natural and not
like she was about to melt into the bench.

“Just about.” He rubbed her lip with his thumb again, but
his time it was more like a caress.

She couldn’t look away from his eyes. She was trapped by the
expression.

When the shivery sensation from the pad of his thumb on her
lip started to generate different kinds of feelings, running down her spine and
even lower, she dropped her head backwards and sucked in a breath.

“You’re so beautiful,” Daniel murmured, sliding his thumb
from her lip to her cheek and then back.

“That’s what you said before.”

“Well, I meant it then. And I mean it now.”

She felt like she might melt into a hot puddle of feeling.
“Do you?”

“Look at me, honey. Then tell me you don’t believe me.”

She managed to focus on his face again, and she gasped at
the expression in his eyes. It was heated, possessive, so much more than
admiring. It looked like he wanted to swallow her whole.

“Do you believe me?” he asked, low and thick.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Then he tilted his head down to kiss her.

She responded immediately, couldn’t help but respond. A rush
of pleasure and emotion rose up as he moved his lips against hers, sliding his
tongue into her mouth.

She clutched at his shoulders with one hand, still trying to
hold her cupcake with the other.

She was just getting into it when a voice broke into the fog
of sensation.

“I’m shocked!” a booming voice said from behind them. “The
pastor making out in public! Such a bad example for the youth in the town.”

They broke apart, and Jessica turned her head to see the
grinning face of one of the church deacons, who was walking by with his wife.
Both were laughing with genuine warmth.

Irrationally embarrassed, Jessica dropped her face to
Daniel’s shoulder.

He said, “I’m more than happy to set an example of making
out with one’s wife—at any time or place.”

They all laughed, and the other couple kept walking. When
they were out of earshot, Daniel grumbled, “We’d have to leave the county to
get any privacy around here.”

Jessica giggled. “Or we could just go home.”

“Yeah,” he said, a hot promise in his eyes. “Let’s go home.”

***

They were kissing again as they
unlocked the door. And kissing as they let Bear outside in the backyard for a
minute.

And kissing as they stumbled upstairs. And kissing as they
tumbled into their bed, already trying to pull off each other’s clothes.

She’d made quick work of his shirt, and they both were trying
to pull off his trousers, but they got hung up on his shoes, which he’d never
taken off.

It was a bit of a kerfuffle, causing them to laugh as they
finally managed to get the shoes and pants off, but then Daniel wasted no time
in moving on top of her.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he said, pushing up her
skirt and moving aside her panties. “I’ve never been like this in my life.”

“Like what?” she managed to ask, after gasping as he nudged
her entrance. She was already aroused, just from their clumsy, half-interrupted
foreplay.

“Like I’m a horny teenager, unable to think about anything
except how much I want you all the time.” He groaned as he sank inside her, and
she bent her knees to give him better access.

“You do?”

He’d closed his eyes, his expression reflecting pleasure and
hunger both. But now he opened them again. “I do what?”

“You think about wanting me all the time?” She tangled her
fingers in his hair, feeling so much more than the familiar tightness of having
him inside her.

“Of course, I do. Don’t you know that? I’ve never been like
this before. It’s almost embarrassing.”

She arched in pleasure, from his words even more than the
sensation of him starting to move inside her. She knew what he was saying—even
obliquely.

He wanted her in a different way than he’d ever wanted Lila.

There was part of him that could be distinctly hers.

She’d never dreamed it was possible, and it intensified the
physical sensations.

When he began to thrust, she moved with him, rocking up her
hips, huffing out little panting sounds.

“Oh, honey, you feel so good.” He ducked his head for a
minute, his hips working fast and hard between her thighs. “You always feel so
good.”

She made a sobbing sound as so much—too much—overwhelmed her
all at once.

She shook her hips desperately as the pleasure coiled into a
tight knot. Then cried out loudly as it released.

He was with her, his extended exclamation just as helpless
as hers.

She gathered him to her afterwards, stroking his back,
murmuring out incoherent words of affection and release.

When he finally raised his head to look down at her, she was
relieved that there was no shadow in his eyes. They were just as warm as they’d
been before—but relaxed instead of urgent.

“We’re pretty good together,” she said, raising her hand to
stroke his rough face, loving the feel of his beard against her palm. “At
least, I think so.”

He gave a huff of ironic laughter. “I think saying we’re
good together is a massive understatement.”

She grinned up at him, the flood of joy impossible to stop.
“We’re good together outside of the bedroom too, I think.”

To her relief, he showed no sign of withdrawing, despite the
intimacy of the words. He leaned down to kiss her softly. ‘We’re very good
together. In every way.”

“I think so too.”

“This marriage was a very good idea.”

It might not be a declaration of love, but it was more than
Jessica had ever thought to hear from him.

***

Jessica woke up in the middle of the
night and rolled over toward Daniel’s side. Even mostly asleep, she was
conscious of a bleak expectation of finding his side empty.

Instead, her arm landed on his chest as she rolled.

He grunted at the impact.

“Sorry,” she said, too groggy to process anything but the
relief that he was still in bed with her.

“What’s…matter?” he mumbled.

“Nothing. It was an accident.”

“’Kay.” He seemed mostly asleep, but he moved her body until
she was lying beside him instead of half on top of him.

This seemed a perfectly good arrangement as far as Jessica
was concerned, so she curled up beside him and went back to sleep.

When she woke up, she was still
beside Daniel—so cozy she was almost too warm.

Her cheek was pressed up against his chest, and she pulled
away from it and rolled away, inhaling a thick breath.

When she glanced over at the clock, she saw it was just
after five.

When she glanced up at his face, she saw he was awake.

“Hi,” she said, self-conscious since he seemed to have been
watching her while she slept.

“Hi.”

“How long have you been awake?”

“About a half-hour.”

“You didn’t want to get up and take your run?”

He gave her a half-smile. “I guess I’m lazy today.”

“I don’t think it’s lazy to want to stay in bed past five on
Christmas Eve morning.”

“I’m glad to have your approval.”

Feeling a surge of affection, she scooted back over,
settling herself beside him and wrapping an arm around his middle.

He adjusted to put an arm around her.

“What were you thinking about, lying in bed all this time?”
she asked, caressing his belly with her palm.

“I was praying.”

“Oh. I won’t disturb you, then. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

He didn’t say anymore, but he’d brought the subject up, so after
a minute she found the courage to ask, “Do you…do you feel any better…about
things, I mean.”

Despite her vague question, he evidently knew exactly what
she was talking about. “I’ve been working through some things.”

“I know you have.”

“Lila was in the accident in December.”

“I know she was.” Two years ago. Jessica hadn’t been as
close to Daniel then, but it had still hit her hard. One morning the woman had
been alive, and by the end of the day she was dead. No warning. No preparation.
Just dead in the space of a minute.

 “I thought I’d processed everything, grieved for her,
reconciled myself. I thought I was recovered, until this last month.”

“I don’t think grief ever really gets put behind you for
good. I think it’s normal that you’d still miss her, that you’d still wish she
were here.” It hurt a little to say so, since she liked the idea of Daniel
loving no one but her. But that was a petty, immature response, so she wasn’t
going to indulge it.

He stroked her hair back from her face. “Yeah, but that’s not
what I’ve been going through. I do still miss her sometimes, but this hasn’t
been grief. Maybe it looks like it, but it isn’t.”

She’d been resting her head on his chest but now she raised
it to search his face. “It isn’t?”

He shook his head. “It’s all been spiritual. You know that
much, I think. But I don’t want you to think I’m wrestling with God this way
because I still want Lila. I don’t want you to ever believe that I want you to
be her. Because I don’t.”

Jessica took a shaky breath and tried to think of a
response. There was nothing. She wasn’t sure she was capable of shaping a word,
anyway. She’d needed so much to hear that. Needed so much to know it.

 “It’s not all better or anything,” he added. “But I hope
I’m making progress. I just wanted you to know.”

She pressed a soft kiss on his chest and managed to say,
“Thank you.”

They lay in silence for a few minutes. Then Daniel said,
“Sometimes I wonder what the church would think if they knew how messed up I am.”

She scowled at him. “That’s ridiculous. You
know
that’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah. I guess.” He sounded almost resigned.

She raised herself up, supported by straightened arms.
“Anyone who thinks a pastor has it all together has never met one.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“You know I mean. The point of faith is that you don’t need
to have it all together. You know that. You’ve told me that yourself.”

“I know. But it’s easier to say it when you feel like you’re
on the right track.”

“You
are
on the right track, Daniel. So get over your
insufferable arrogance and admit that you struggle just as much as anyone
else.”

To her surprise, his mouth quirked up. “You’re getting
rather bossy, you know.”

She tried to smother the laughter that rippled out of her,
relieved that Daniel’s characteristic dry humor had returned. “I am not bossy.
And you shouldn’t be calling me that. I’m your wife, and you should only be
speaking sweet words about me.”

He burst into laughter and pulled her into a hug, rolling
them over so he was on top of her. “That sounded rather bossy to me.”

“You have a skewed frame of reference when it comes to
bossiness. That was simply a statement of fact.”

“It was a fact?”

“Yes. It’s a fact that husbands should speak only sweet
things about their wives.” She thought she did pretty well about keeping her
tone serious, even as she was shaking with amusement.

“Oh, okay. I’ll give it a try.  Hmm. My wife…”

She waited breathlessly, overwhelmed by the teasing warmth
in his eyes. When he didn’t continue, she swatted him on the shoulder. “Well?”

He chuckled. “My wife has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever
seen.”

She couldn’t hide a rather besotted grin. “Well, that was
pretty good for a start.”

“More? All right. My wife…can make me laugh more than anyone
I’ve ever known.”

Her laughter faded into a rise of emotion as she processed
what he’d said.

His eyes were still warm, but they weren’t as teasing
anymore. “And my wife has a remarkable mind. And a remarkable heart. And she
takes my breath away every time she finds the courage to take a risk and tell
me the truth.”

His voice cracked on the last word, and there was a lump in
Jessica’s throat too.

They stared at each other for a long moment.

Then she whispered, “I do?”

He leaned down to kiss her. “You do.”

Afraid she was going to get swept away in sentiment, she
managed to regain enough irony to say, “I guess that was a pretty good start at
sweetness. You’ll have to keep practicing.”

“Who said I was done?”

“There’s more? I’m all ears.”

He hid a smile. “My wife has the most…annoying dog I’ve ever—”

His drawled words broke off abruptly when Jessica gave a cry
of outrage and tried to push him off her.

They had a brief, laughing wrestling match until Daniel gave
up in mock surrender. “Fine. My wife has a dog who is just as sweet as she is.”

She frowned. “I think that was rather backhanded as far as
sweet words go.”

“Nope. Nothing backhanded about it.”

They lay smiling at each other until he asked, “So husbands
don’t get sweet words too?”

“Only if they’re really good.”

“Ah. Then no sweet words for me.”

“Right.”

“Too bad.”

She scooted over to kiss him. “My husband is smarter and
hotter than any man I know.”

He looked surprised—but very pleased—by the compliment, so
she kissed him again.

Then she added, “And his heart is so incredibly kind…to
everyone except himself.”

***

They had to get up soon afterwards,
since they had to go to church, as the team was meeting to take the canned and
dry goods from the Christmas drive to the local food pantry.

Jessica took Bear for a walk while Daniel showered and
dressed, and then Jessica got ready while he did his devotions and cleared out
some email.

When she was ready early, Jessica felt a burst of energy and
mixed up some muffin mix out of a box. She was just pulling the muffins out of
the oven when Daniel came into the kitchen, wearing jeans and a college
sweatshirt.

“Yum,” he said, grabbing one from the tray.

“Wait, they’re hot!”

He broke the muffin open, letting out a burst of steam. “I
can blow on it.”

She narrowed her eyes as he blew with exaggerated force on
the muffin half.

He took a bite. “My wife…makes great muffins out of a box.”

“How did you know they were out of a box?”

He grinned and nodded toward the trash, where the box was
clearly displayed.

“Oh. I’m going to work on baking from scratch. I just
haven’t had time yet.”

“Muffins from a box are better than no muffins at all.”

“Keep it up, and you’re going to get no muffins.”

He laughed, and he looked so adorable that she gooched his
sides.

He huffed in surprise, which made her gooch him again.

This time, he grabbed her wrists and turned her around so he
had her trapped against the counter.

“I wasn’t doing anything,” she insisted, widening her eyes
with what she hoped was an innocent look.

“You certainly
were
doing something.” Then his
expression changed. So quickly it stole her breath. He didn’t move back, so she
could feel his hard body pressed against hers. His brown eyes had grown sober.
“Seriously, though, Jessica.”

She drew her brows together. “Yes, seriously I was gooching
you. Is that a problem?”

He gave a bark of laughter. “No. Gooch away. I had switched
topics.”

“Oh. To what?”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re really all right with
this.”

“With what?” For some reason, her heart started pounding in
a way it hadn’t all morning. With fear. Or dread. Or
something
.

“With this marriage. Our situation. I think what we have is
good and can get even better, but I can’t help but feel like I’m getting the
better end of the deal. I get the perfect wife—”

“Ha! I’m far from the perfect wife.”

“All right, I get exactly what I want and need in a wife,
while you get…”

“A very good husband.” She was worried now, and her blood
was throbbing with her heartbeat, suddenly afraid she was about to hear
something heartbreaking.

He was searching her face urgently now, as if trying to read
her mind. “And that’s enough? What I can offer you? I’m not going to pull away
from you again, and I’m as committed to this, to
you
, as anything. But
it’s not everything you deserve. I can’t give you everything, so you’re really
just getting half a man. Is it really enough for you, not having a love
marriage?”

And there was the heartbreaking thing.

She froze—maybe just for a few seconds but it felt like an
eternity. Then she took a shuddering breath that was one of the hardest things
she’d ever done.

She’d always known what this marriage was about. Daniel had
never lied to her about it.

She’d simply lied to herself.

But this was what she’d signed up for, and she’d gotten
everything she’d wanted out of it. She had a husband, a partner, companionship,
security, the chance at a family.

Expecting something more—wanting something more—wasn’t fair
to Daniel. Or herself. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t strip herself naked
and expose her heart, when she knew her feelings weren’t reciprocated.

It might feel wrong, but it wasn’t wrong. She’d gotten
exactly what she’d asked for.

 “Yeah,” she said, hoping her voice sounded natural. “I like
what we have. It’s enough.”

She must have come across as convincing, because Daniel
relaxed visibly. He leaned down to give her a gentle kiss.

“Okay. We better get going.”

“Sounds good,” she said, faking a bright smile. “I’m ready
to go.”

She spent the few hours, as they packed up the food and drove
it over to the food bank, convincing herself she had nothing to be depressed
about.

This marriage had already given her a lot.

This marriage had never been about love.

***

They had lunch with her mother at
the nursing home and then an early dinner with Micah and Daniel’s parents. They
were acting like a family. It felt exactly like they were a family. And, for
some reason, it made Jessica feel even worse.

Daniel was friendly and affectionate all day—the way she’d
always wanted him to act. But even that made her feel worse.

She just didn’t know why he couldn’t love her.

As she was showering and dressing for the Christmas Eve
service at church, she felt like she might cry. Right in the middle of putting
on one of her socks, she bent over and had to stifle a sudden rise of tears.

“What’s the matter, honey?” Daniel said from the doorway of
the bathroom. He had a toothbrush in his mouth, so his words were mumbled.

She wished he wouldn’t call her “honey.” It sounded like he
loved her, so it just twisted the knife of reality. “Nothing,” she said,
straightening up.

He spit out his toothpaste, rinsed for about two seconds,
and then came over to sit next to her on the bed. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you. You’ve gotten really quiet today.
Something is bothering you.”

“It’s nothing important. Silly stuff.”

“Well, I care about silly stuff too, so I want to know.”

She opened her mouth to tell him but then shut it again.

She wanted to take a risk, to tell him the truth, to let him
know she thought something wasn’t right in this. She wanted to say that they
both needed more than they had.

Maybe some women could tell a man she loved him, without his
saying it first, but Jessica wasn’t one of those women.

She just couldn’t do it. Not when she already knew he didn’t
love her back.

She closed her mouth and shook her head.

He raised her chin and met her eyes. “You can tell me
anything, you know.”

She cleared her throat. “I know.”

“But you aren’t going to tell me this?”

She shook her head, any words she might have said sticking
in her throat.

His eyes urgently searched her face. “Will you tell me
later?”

“Yeah,” she said, mostly just to get him to leave her alone.
“Probably later.”

This seemed to satisfy him. He got up and glanced at his
watch. “You better hurry. We need to be over there in twenty minutes.”

“Yeah.” She hurriedly put on her second sock and then both
of her shoes. “Would you mind feeding Bear? I still have to do something with
my face.”