Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (18 page)

He rolled his eyes and gave his head a bewildered shake.
“Your face is perfect.”

That should have made her happy, but it didn’t. So she felt
even heavier as she put on some mascara and lip gloss and then pulled on a dark
green cashmere sweater over her top.

As she went downstairs, she heard Daniel talking to Bear. “I
gave you your food. It’s not my fault you inhaled it like a vacuum.”

Only silence greeted this statement.

“Don’t give me those eyes. You’re a very talented
manipulator, but I don’t cave to those kinds of tactics.”

Jessica walked as quietly as she could to the entrance of
the kitchen so she could see.

Bear was begging expectantly, and Daniel stood next to the
dog food cabinet.

“Fine,” he said, rolling his eyes the way he had at her just
a few minutes earlier. “You can have one treat. But that’s it. Someone has to
insist on discipline in this house.”

He got a dog treat out of the cabinet and handed it to Bear,
who crunched it happily.

Then he reached out to scratch her ears, and the dog nuzzled
his hand.

Jessica almost started to cry as she stood watching.

Daniel loved Bear, no matter how he might say differently.
There was no way to misread his expression.

She wanted this man so much—with all of his kindness and
intelligence and humor and strength and stubbornness and brooding depth.

She wanted him all the way.

She wanted to share life with him. To have his children. To
grow old with him.

She wanted to love and be loved.

And it hurt so much that she couldn’t have all of it. It
seemed
wrong
in a way she couldn’t articulate.

He’d crouched down to stroke the length of Bear’s back, but
he straightened quickly when he realized she was present.

“This dog is the most demanding creature I’ve ever seen.”
Then he must have processed her expression because he made a rough burst of
sound and strode over to her. “Jessica, you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

She controlled her expression, although it physically hurt
her to do so. “It’s nothing. I’m just emotional today, I guess.”

“Emotional about what?”

She looked away. “Everything.”

He started to object, but then must have glanced at the
clock. “We’ve got to go, but we’re going to talk about this later tonight. So
you might as well resign yourself right now to telling me what’s wrong.”

At least she had a short reprieve. She could pull herself
together and figure out something to tell him later tonight.

She could tell him some of the truth without telling him all
of it.

They took her car over to the church, since his truck was
still getting worked on.

Jessica lit the candles in the displays in the windows of
the sanctuary as Daniel got his stuff together and found the Scripture readers
so he could be sure they knew what to do.

The service was a traditional lessons and carols service,
with a short homily and then “Silent Night” sung as individual candles were lit.
It was the same Christmas Eve service she’d attended all of her life, and she’d
always deeply loved it.

The service was beautiful and grave. The carols and
Scripture passages were much-loved and familiar. She tried to focus on
spiritual issues, the beautiful truth of God becoming human to save them,
instead of on her own crushed heart.

She mostly succeeded.

But then, just before Daniel got up to give the homily, she
glanced over at him, where he was sitting behind the pulpit.

He was gazing at her, and there was something in his
expression that she knew, she recognized, she’d seen in him before, she’d felt
in herself. Like he was gazing at something he wanted desperately but knew he
could never have.

In that moment, it looked like he loved her.

She saw it—felt it—for a few seconds, but then his face
changed, and he glanced away. And it felt like something was taken away from
her, something she’d never really had.

Her eyes were burning when he stood up and began to talk
about how this one birth, this one life, was the center of everything,
transformed everything, remade everything.

She was fighting not to cry as he spoke about how the
incarnation was the absolute manifestation of love. And she was strangling on
emotion when he concluded that this one truth changes us, gives meaning to
lives that would otherwise not have them.

By the time he was done, she couldn’t control herself
anymore—she was about to break down completely—so she slipped out of the pew and
out the side door of the sanctuary as he spoke the prayer before the final
hymn.

She stood in the hallway of the church for a moment,
paralyzed, with no idea what she should do. Irrationally, it felt like her
entire body was cracking with her heart.

With no way to control herself, she headed toward Daniel’s
office, where she could be alone for a few minutes and pull herself together. 

She had her hand on the doorknob when she heard his voice
say from behind her, “Jessica.”

She paused, motionless, her hand gripping the knob.

The congregation had just started to sing “Silent Night.”
The sanctuary would be dark, and they’d begin to light their candles now.

“You should get back in there,” she said raspily. “They’ll
wonder where you went.”

“I should be right here.” He looked frustrated and concerned
and utterly helpless. “You need to tell me what’s wrong right now.
Right now
.”

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she burst out, no defenses
anymore, no way to hold the truth back.

His face grew very still. “You can’t do what? The marriage?”

She wiped away a couple of tears, hating that she couldn’t
stop crying. “I don’t know if I can do it. I thought I could. I wanted to. But it’s
not enough. I want
more
. I can’t help but want more.”

His brow lowered slightly as he stared at her. “What do you
want, honey? I’ll try to give you anything you need.”

She shook her head, even his earnestness hurting her, since
it was so close to what she wanted from him. But just not all the way there. “I
don’t think you can.” She took a shaky exhale and finally processed the
realization she’d had in the service earlier, the one that had changed
everything. “That’s not right. You
can
. You just
won’t
.”

“I won’t what?”

“You won’t let yourself love me.”

He froze, the way she’d frozen a minute ago.

It was too late for pride or deflection or any sort of
defense, so she let the words spill out. “You could. I know you could. You
could love me the way I love you. But you just won’t allow yourself to. And I
don’t know if I can be okay with the half of yourself you’re willing to give
me.”

He swallowed so hard she saw it in his throat. “Jessica,
honey—”

“Don’t call me ‘honey’ unless you mean it. You can’t have it
both ways. I know it’s hard. I know how hard it’s been for you. I know how
you’ve suffered, and I understand why you’re angry about it. Why you can’t
trust that anything good will last. I understand. I really do. But I don’t
think I’m okay with this.”

He reached for her, something strange happening on his face,
but she jerked away from his touch, afraid it would undo her.

“I’m sorry Lila died,” she went on, her voice cracking on
almost every word. “I’m so sorry it happened. It’s horrible.
Horrible
.
And nothing is ever going to make her death good. It’s proof that something is
wrong with the world—that things like that happen. That people like her die.
That they’re taken away from us. The world is broken. It’s just broken.”

She sucked in a harsh breath and palmed more tears away.
Daniel tried to reply, but she talked over him. “But you’re acting like that’s
the end of the story, that the brokenness is the final answer. When you know
very well that it’s not. You’ve always said that, at the end of the story, the
world will be healed, fixed, all wrongs finally righted. And that what’s broken
is being redeemed, little by little, even now.”

“Jessica—”

“I’ve always believed that, and I thought you believed it
too. My mother is dying—”

She broke off, her shoulders shaking, the emotion almost
overwhelming.

Daniel reached out for her again, but she shook him away.

“She’s dying, little by little, and there’s nothing good
about that. And I couldn’t get up on Christmas morning—on
any
morning—if
I thought her deterioration is the last thing, the only thing. If there wasn’t
real hope that her mind and her body and my heart will be made whole again. You
know all this. You
know
it. You know that what God does is make us whole
when we’re nothing but broken. But you’re not acting like you believe it.”

She was crying so hard she could barely see Daniel in front
of her. She could hear the congregation singing the last stanza of “Silent
Night.”

“And, if you
don’t
believe it, then what are we doing
here?” She gestured between them to indicate their marriage.

Then she gestured toward the sanctuary. “And, if you don’t
believe it, what are you doing
there
?”

Her eyes cleared enough for her to see his face. He was just
staring at her, evidently paralyzed. Trapped. Unable to take the final step.

And she couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand that he simply
wouldn’t love her.

She whirled around and stumbled away from him, out of the
church, down the sidewalk in the cold and blowing snow, and to her car.

She drove home, half-blinded by tears.

Christmas Eve was supposed to be about hope. That had always
been the whole point.

So it was ironic—in the bitterest of ways—that this was the
night when her hope for her marriage finally died.

Jessica was still sobbing as she opened
the front door and stepped in.

She loved this old house. Even though she’d lived here less
than a month, it already felt like home. Like she belonged.

But it also felt like Daniel, so just walking through the
entryway made her chest hurt even more. Responding to the pain, without even
thinking through the gesture, she grabbed her wedding ring and engagement ring and
pulled them off her finger, setting them down on the entry table where she left
her keys.

She couldn’t wear them anymore.

She crouched down to greet Bear, who nuzzled at her face in
concern. When she could summon enough energy, she stood up and trudged
upstairs.

Her sobs faded to blurred stupor, she got out a suitcase
from the spare bedroom and started to throw clothes into it.

She wasn’t even sure why.

It just felt like she needed to get away—get out of here—as
soon as she possibly could.

But she had nowhere to go.

She’d given up the little rental house in Charlotte she’d
had before. She had no family except her mother. She couldn’t stay with anyone
in Willow Park—there would be no possible way to explain why she’d left Daniel.

She could go to Kim’s in Asheville. Or she could go to a
hotel.

Those were the only choices she could come up with.

She sat down on the bed and leaned over, shaking so
helplessly she literally couldn’t breathe for a minute.

She didn’t want to leave.

She loved it here—in Willow Park. Her hometown. Where she
wanted to be.

She loved the life she’d started to build here and the way
she was starting to connect with other people. It could keep getting better.
She could be part of his community.

She loved Daniel, and she couldn’t stand the thought of life
without him. Other than her mother, he’d been the most important person in her
life for long before they’d gotten married.

But now, because she’d wanted too much, she would lose
everything.

Bear was lying in a pitiful heap at her feet, completely overwhelmed
by Jessica’s obvious distress. She stood up just then and poked her nose toward
Jessica’s face.

She was still leaning forward, her head almost to her knees,
so she reached over and stroked the dog’s soft fur.

“I know,” she said, her voice so hoarse it was almost
unrecognizable. “I don’t know what to do. I know you love him too, but I think
we may need to leave. I don’t know what to do.”

Bear gazed up at her adoringly, as if hopeful that Jessica’s
mood was improving.

Or maybe she was just hoping for food.

“But I guess I should wait to talk to him first. Maybe…”

She didn’t know if there was a maybe. It didn’t feel like
there was any hope.

Before Jessica could think through the situation more
rationally, before she could even move, the front door to the house opened and
then banged shut.

Then she heard loud, fast footsteps on the stairs.

Jessica was too dazed to do anything except look toward the
bedroom door.

Daniel burst in, flushed, sweating under his dress shirt,
and gasping for air.

Jessica straightened up with a jerk at the sight of him. Her
mouth opened in a question she couldn’t voice.

His eyes took in Jessica and then the suitcase on the bed. They
were strangely wild. She’d never seen that expression before.  “Don’t leave,”
he rasped through his panting. “Please, honey…don’t leave me.”

Baffled and disoriented and flooded with a crashing wave of
hope, she gaped at him. “Why are you panting?” she asked stupidly.

“I…ran…home.”

Her eyes widened. “Why did you run all the way home?”

“You took…” He was gasping so much now he had to bend over,
sucking in loud, urgent breaths. “Took the car.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t even realized she’d stranded Daniel at
church without a car, since his truck was in the shop.

He looked like he’d run a marathon with his shirt sticking damply
to his chest and perspiration dripping from his face, despite how cold it was
out.

She glanced at the bedside clock and gasped. “How did you
get here so quickly?”

“I ran…fast.”

He must have sprinted home at a dead run to cover the
distance so quickly. She stared at him in awe, trying not to assume this meant
what she was hoping it meant. She’d been disappointed before.

“Please don’t leave me, Jessica,” he gasped, straightening
up again. “I know I haven’t—”

He had to stop and bend over again to try to breathe.

“Catch your breath first,” she interrupted in concern. “I
don’t want you to have a heart attack.”

He nodded and braced himself on the dresser, clearly trying
to even out his breathing. Then he threw a quick glance over his shoulder.
“Please don’t leave…until I can talk.”

“I won’t leave.”

This seemed to satisfy him, and he took a minute to catch
his breath, wipe the sweat from his face, and pull himself together.

Jessica tried to be patient. Tried not to shake whatever he
wanted to tell her out of him.

She kept imagining her handsome pastor of a husband leaving
the Christmas Eve service before it was over and racing through their little
town to get home to her.

When he’d managed to recover enough, he turned around and
came toward her, sinking onto his knees in front of her.

“Jessica, honey, please don’t leave me. I know I haven’t
treated you right. I know I don’t deserve for you to give me a second chance. I
know I haven’t been the kind of husband I should have been to you. But please
don’t leave me.”

He glanced over at the suitcase again, and Jessica suddenly
felt guilty about how her first instinct had been to run away, before they’d
even talked about it more. She started to say, “I—”

“I love you so much, honey.” He took both of her hands in
his and gazed up at her with an utterly naked expression of adoration. “I’ve
been an ass…a jerk about everything—trying to hold back my feelings—because I’m
so out-of-my-mind crazy about you that it threw my whole world out of
alignment. If I admitted it to myself, if I let myself love you for real, then
I’d have to admit that all of the anger and resentment I was holding onto was
futile, was utterly wrong.”

Jessica’s lips parted, and the roomed spun around her as she
tried to process what he was saying.

“You were right,” he went on, his voice hoarse and broken. “You
were absolutely right about what you said back at the church. I’ve been stupid
and selfish and arrogant, and I’ve clung to control so much that I pushed away
everything I want. I didn’t want to give him the chance to take you away from
me too. But you’re a gift. A gift to me from God. And I’ve been throwing it
back in his face.”

She’d been crying just a minute before, so she had no way to
control the emotion now. Tears poured down her cheeks.

“Oh, honey, please don’t cry. I know I’ve hurt you. I know
I’ve let you down. But I want to be the husband that you need, that you
deserve. I was in love with you long before we ever got married. Did you know
that? I’ve been fighting the feelings for so long, but it’s always been a
losing battle.”

She was shaking now, her hands trembling in his grip.

Daniel wasn’t finished yet. “But it was the wrong battle,
and I surrender completely. Please give me the chance to show you how much I
love you, how much I know what a blessing you are. I want to wake up every
Christmas morning and know—and know for sure, absolutely—that everything broken
in this world will one day, finally be made whole. I want to know it for sure,
because you’re in my arms.”

This was evidently the end of his outpouring of passionate
feeling because he stopped talking and squeezed her hands, but she still couldn’t
respond. She was so overwhelmed she couldn’t stop crying. Not gentle tears but
loud, ugly sobbing like before.

“Jessica?” Daniel said, after he’d been silent for a moment
and she’d done nothing but cry. “Are you all right?”

She tried to answer but couldn’t, so she just nodded her
head urgently.

His face twisted as he reached up to cup her face with one
hand. “Honey, can you please try to say something? I’m dying here, and I don’t
know if your crying is a good thing or a bad thing.”

“It’s a good thing,” she managed to choke out. “It’s a good
thing.”

She watched through tears as his face transformed with a relief
so visceral she could almost feel it too.

“So you’re not going to leave me?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No. No. No. No.” She sniffed and gasped
and tried to pull herself together.

“So you’ll wear your rings again?” he asked, reaching down
for her left hand.

She discovered then that he’d seen her rings on the table
and picked them up. He’d had them clenched in his hand all this time.

A new wave of emotion overtook her as he slid the rings back
on her finger. She nodded like an idiot. Still couldn’t say much of anything.

“Do you think you could maybe stop crying?” Despite the deep
emotion evident in his expression, a little glint of wry amusement appeared in
his eyes.

“I’m trying!” she wailed.

He laughed then and stood up from his knees—but only to sit
down on the edge of the bed beside her and pull her into his arms.

She choked some more against his chest, adoring the feel of
his arms around her, even though they clutched her so tightly it was almost
uncomfortable.

When her sobs finally subsided, she shifted until he
released her.

“I love you so much!” she burst out, pleased she’d managed
to get something coherent said.

He took her face in both of his hands. “You said that
before, but I can’t quite believe it. Do you really?”

“Yes, I love you. I love you so much. I’ve loved you for a
really long time.”

With a groan, he pulled her into his arms again, but this
time the hug only lasted a minute because he pulled away enough to kiss her.

They kissed urgently, clumsily, rather wetly. She clawed at
his shoulders and clutched at his hair and couldn’t seem to get him close
enough, deep enough.

They fell backward onto the bed, with her sprawled on top of
him, as their tongues tangled and his hands slid down to her bottom.

Then a thought suddenly sliced through her emotion-fogged
brain. She jerked her mouth away with a gasp. “The church! The service wasn’t
even over. Did you just run out without telling anyone?”

He’d obviously gotten into the embrace too much for his
brain to work with its normal alacrity. He stared up at her, looking rather
dazed, and his pelvis rocked up slightly against her weight in a way that was
impossible to misinterpret.

“You can’t just run out on a Christmas Eve service. You’re
the pastor!”

“I told Micah,” Daniel said at last, the question finally
penetrating to his brain. “He was going to give the final benediction.”

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘finally.’” Daniel looked slightly sheepish. “He’s
been telling me for months that I need to get it together or I’ll lose you. I
can’t believe I almost proved him right.”

For some reason, this made Jessica even giddier—like it was
tangible proof that Daniel’s feelings for her were real, if Micah knew about
them too.

“But what will everyone at church think about you running
out on the service that way?”

“They’ll think I had urgent business to take care of with my
wife.” He smiled up at her, with a hot, teasing expression she loved. “Which I
do.”

“Okay. That sounds reasonable.”

He grabbed her and pulled her back into a kiss and then
rolled them both over. He kissed and stroked and undressed her until she was
deeply aroused, and then he settled between her legs and entered her slowly.

She let her breath out with a silly whine of pleasure when
he’d sunk fully inside of her. She clung to him, all of him, in every way she
could.

He’d lowered his face onto her shoulder, breathing heavily,
not moving, simply sheathed inside her. She’d never felt so close to another
person in her life.

She stroked his back and his shoulders. Slid her hands up
into his hair. Felt like she was shuddering inside with more than she could
possibly hold.

He finally raised his head, kissed her, and whispered, “You
have no idea how much I love you.”

Jessica burst into tears again.

Mortified, she wept in frantic little sobs as Daniel held
himself tensely above her, staring at her in bewilderment.

“Jessica?” he said at last. “You have to tell me what’s
wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she choked, trying desperately to control
herself. “Everything’s good.” Her body was shaking as she cried, and she could
feel Daniel’s hard length moving inside her with each quivering vibration.

His face strained, Daniel started kissing away her tears and
shifted his forearms until his hands were holding the back of her head, tangled
in her hair—it was as close as he could get to an embrace in their present
position. “If everything was good you wouldn’t be crying.”

She shook her head, finally managing to stop the sobs,
although the tears were still streaming down into her hair. “I’m happy,” she
said foolishly, wishing she could better explain how she was feeling. How
having everything she’d wanted for so long had simply flooded over in this
torrent of emotion.

Apparently, he understood enough. He met her gaze deeply,
his eyes reflecting a matching blaze of joy and love. But then he managed to
say with impressive irony, “Honey, if we don’t get it together soon, you’ll
really have something to cry about. I’d like to last for more than one thrust.”

She started to laugh and pulled him down into another wet kiss.
Then he started to move. The first few thrusts were slow and deep, and they
made her shudder with pleasure. But he couldn’t maintain that leisurely pace
for long, and he soon accelerated his motion, driving into her faster and
harder. After only a minute, he was sweating again beneath his clothes, and
something wild had entered his eyes.