Read Men After God's Own Heart Online
Authors: Dijorn Moss
Men After God's Own Heart (15 page)
“Great! Let's go Saturday.” Rachel went and grabbed her purse from her chair and came back with a cell phone in hand. “Give me your phone number.”
Chauncey exchanged phone numbers with Rachel and wondered if he could resist her appeal. She had already got Chauncey to go on a date to the movies. He wondered what else Rachel could persuade him to do.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Jamal
Two Months after the Retreat and Four Weeks until the Wedding . . .
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As if playing a game of who could be quiet the longest, Chantel and Jamal sat in silence. Chantel was not known for being short on words, at least not from Jamal's perspective, even she was speechless. But Jamal knew that Pastor Brown had plenty to say, and yet he sat in his office chair with his hand over his mouth and his index finger on his temple, reminiscent of Malcolm X. Pastor Brown's smile bordered on curiosity and condescension.
“So, Pastor, how was your weekend?” Jamal asked.
“It was fine, but we're not here for me. We're here for you and Chantel.” Now Pastor Brown's smile moved into full-blown sardonic mode.
“What, Pastor?” Jamal shrugged his shoulders.
“I just find it amazing how comfortable we are when it comes to talking about sex and even having sex, until we get here.” Pastor Brown pointed at his oak table. “And here is where we find a purpose for sex that supersedes animal cravings.”
Jamal felt a lot more relaxed after Pastor Brown addressed the elephant in the room. He had simultaneously looked forward to and dreaded the session on sex. A discussion with his pastor and his fiancée about his desired marital sex life did not bring comfort to Jamal. He likened the experience to that of a teenage couple engaged in a discussion with their parents about their desires to have sex. At the same time, Jamal doubted that he and Chantel could have a successful marriage if their sex life left little to be desired. Therefore, he had looked forward to the opportunity to address their sexual expectations in terms of God.
“I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not comfortable talking about sex with you,” Chantel said to Pastor Brown.
“Then don't look at me. Look at the Bible, because that is where my advice is coming from.” Pastor Brown shrugged his shoulders.
“That's my whole problem, Pastor.” Jamal started a balancing act with his hands. “Sex and the Bible don't seem to go together. I mean, the Bible talks about living holy, and at least for me, sex is freaky. I can't get in the mood for sex listening to Shirley Caesar.”
That statement sparked a chuckle from Pastor Brown, and Chantel shook her head in presumed embarrassment.
“Seriously, though, I'm just trying to keep it one hundred with you, Pastor,” Jamal continued. “What if I was into handcuffs and peanut butter? How would that be okay in the Bible?”
Chantel rolled both her head and her neck in shock. “I ain't no porn star. Let's get that straight. I'm not going to walk around in a French maid outfit or take pole-dancing classes.”
“I can't think of one man who wouldn't want a woman that can be a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom,” Jamal replied.
“That is very profound. Show me where that insight is located in the scriptures.” Pastor Brown pointed to the open Bible on his desk.
“Yeah, Jamal. Show me where that is in the Bible,” Chantel said as she picked up Pastor Brown's Bible and started to turn the pages.
“It's not in scripture, but there has to be a level of carnality in marriage. I mean, last time I checked, there's no sex in heaven. Am I right?” Jamal asked Pastor Brown.
“There is a level of carnality, but you have to decide whether or not you are going to have God at the center of your marriage or the world.” Pastor Brown was silent for a minute. “I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because of selfishness and because the couples opened doors in their marriages that they couldn't close.”
“That's what I'm wondering, Pastor, what's really off-limits. And can you be a married couple and still sin when it comes to sex?” Jamal thought he had asked Pastor Brown a tough question, but Pastor Brown seemed unfazed by it.
“Sex comes down to intimacy and, let's admit it, vulnerability. People who only see sex as passion and pleasure miss the intent.”
Jamal hoped the way he contorted his face would convey his need for clarity from Pastor Brown.
“Let me ask you guys something. Would you have sex in a public place?” Pastor Brown asked.
Jamal and Chantel looked at each other and grumbled. Both of them had delved into exhibitionism on occasion.
“Wow. Okay, I'm just going to move on to my point.” Pastor Brown sat up in his chair. “God's perfect will is for both husband and wife to desire only each other. Imagine if you made love to your spouse without thinking about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend or a porn star or Meagan Good. Imagine how much more closer you would draw toward God and each other if nothing stood in your way.”
Pastor Brown paused for a moment, and Jamal allowed his statements to tumble around in his head. Jamal could tell that Pastor Brown's question had resonated with Chantel as well.
The pastor went on. “The point I'm trying to make is that ultimately it is up to you guys to determine the kind of sex life you will have, but if you open the door to the public and allow threesomes, adult movies, and everything else to become a necessity, then you'll find yourself in more trouble than you can handle.”
“What about keeping the spice in the marriage?” Chantel asked.
“I say stick to the original recipe before someone steals your dish.” Pastor Brown couldn't help but laugh. Chantel and Jamal joined in with a chuckle.
“Now that we got that settled, Chantel, how often do you plan to have sex with your husband in your marriage?” Pastor Brown asked.
“I don't know.” Chantel shrugged her shoulders.
“Three, maybe four times a week.”
“A week!” Jamal said. “How about three or four times a day?”
“Oh, please.” Chantel rolled her eyes.
“How often have you guys engaged in fornication in the time you have been together?” the pastor asked.
Chantel let out a deep sigh and put her head down as she began to rub her neck. Jamal started to twiddle his thumbs and let out a whistle.
“Come on now. If you want this thing to be right, you have to be open and honest,” Pastor Brown urged.
“It's complicated,” Chantel said.
“Love is never simple. People often see the complexities of love and marriage as a sign to abandon ship, when really they should be a sign that draws two people close together,” Pastor Brown said.
“But you got to understand, Pastor, Chantel started off as my best friend's girlfriend, and then, after knowing each other for some time, we . . . we . . .” Jamal made a hand gesture in hopes that Pastor Brown would fill in the blank.
“Fornicated?” Pastor Brown said.
“Exactly!” Jamal snapped his fingers and pointed toward Pastor Brown. “And so much has happened as a result of that decision that I think it is hard for us to communicate and really forgive ourselves. I mean, my best friend would've never lost his cool that night, which led to him being killed, if it weren't for him finding out about me and Chantel having sex. And that weighs on me heavy, Pastor. I don't have a lot of regrets, but that's one that I do have.”
Jamal put his head down because his mind had started to replay the night Clay died. “I wish he would've hit me instead of that guy. I would've taken that butt whupping. I owed him at least that for betraying him.”
Chantel started to rub Jamal's back, and with her free hand, she wiped her eyes. Time healed all wounds, but in the few years that had passed since Clay's death, Jamal could not think about his fallen friend without an ache in his chest that snatched the wind out of him. The memory of Clay getting into a fight after Jamal confessed to having an affair with Chantel remained vivid. An altercation with a drunk knucklehead had led to Clay being murdered. Jamal had both mourned the loss of his best friend and harbored guilt about his death.
“Jamal, you can't carry that weight. You made your choice, and so did your friend. You're right. He could've taken it out on you instead of someone else, but you did not kill your friend,” Pastor Brown said.
Jamal had heard that statement at least a hundred times, but it was hard for him to believe it was true. His actions had started a chain of events that led to the death of his best friend and and left a three-year-old-boy fatherless.
“What was it about her?” Pastor Brown leaned forward and pointed at Chantel.
Jamal leaned back in his chair and considered Pastor Brown's question. No one had ever asked that specific question. “I don't know. I mean, she was wifey material from the beginning, even in high school. I could tell that she was going to make some guy the happiest man on the planet. She's fine. She cooks, cleans, and is educated. My best friend was not treating her right. And you know the whole guys' code. I couldn't say anything to her, but I kept thinking that I should've been her man.”
“What happened when you told your best friend?”
“He didn't take it too well. He got mad, got into a fight, and was later shot and killed. I was the last person that saw him alive. The coldest thing was that he died in a car with his best friend, who had just betrayed him.”
A tear snuck out of Chantel's eye. It was still painful to recall the events that had led to Clay's downfall.
“You still have a lot of emotions there?” Pastor Brown handed Chantel a tissue from his tissue box on his desk.
“It's just that I feel like it's all my fault, and if I had just cut things off with Clay as soon as I started to get feelings for Jamal, things would've been different.”
“So you don't regret your feelings for Jamal?” Pastor Brown asked.
Chantel used the tissue to keep back a stream of tears. “No. Even after all that has happened, I still love Jamal very much, and I don't want to be with anyone else.”
“Where does your son, Jamir, fit in all of this?” Pastor Brown bounced his eyes from Chantel to Jamal as he waited for an answer.
“Jamir is my son. I would be lying if I told you that I don't sometimes wrestle with the fact that he's not my biological son, but I love him and I would do anything for him,” Jamal revealed.
“Listen, nothing you do can change the past or undo what has already been done. You have to trust God and believe that He can restore all things.”
Both Chantel and Jamal nodded in agreement. The tears receded and left red eyes in their wake. Jamal thought about the life that he wanted: a career, a wife, kids, a house and, above all, a great relationship with his Savior. These dreams at times appeared to be just within reach, and at other times they seemed more elusive than anything else.
“So what about now? Are you guys doing the right thing and waiting for marriage before you experience the fourth heaven?” Pastor Brown asked.
Jamal was usually reserved when it came to his sexual desires. He knew that if he was to open up about sex, then there would be a flood that he could not shut off.
“We were living together as you know, but I moved out right before the men's retreat,” Jamal confessed.
Pastor Brown responded to Jamal's comment with a groan.
“Pastor, I know it was wrong, but it's difficult living in this economy. It's kind of cost-effective for two people who are going to get married to do what's economically feasible,” Jamal explained.
“Once again I ask, who are you going to have at the center of your marriage? If you're going to serve God, then serve God. If you're going to go by the world and the economy, then there's no need for us to continue with these sessions.”
Pastor Brown had given Jamal more than just food for thought. He had Jamal mull over the tough decisions he would have to make as the man of the house. Jamal did not want his stepson to think that he could play house without a spiritual commitment. Those thoughts stuck with Jamal after the session had concluded, and he broached them as he and Chantel walked back to the car.
“You're going to be the head of the household, so whatever you think is best, I will roll with it,” Chantel said.
“What makes you say that?” Jamal opened the car door.
“I've had trust issues, but you've always been there and you've never given me a reason not to trust you.” Chantel fanned her eyes.
“Chantel, I'm going to need you to trust God more. I'm human and I'm flawed, but God can give us a great marriage if we work at it.”
“I agree,” Chantel said as she got into the car.
Excitement and anxiety clashed within Jamal's psyche. Strong-willed Chantel would willingly give in and become submissive so that Jamal could be head of household. He felt anxiety because the success of the family now rested on his ability to heed God's directions. Jamal was not oblivious to the fact that this discussion continued all the way to their destination.
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