Moments in Time (11 page)

I’m a total asshole.

Should I go back? That would be even worse. Besides, he shouldn’t have done that. He knows better. He’s not out here either. Does he want to be? Is that how he planned on letting people know? Jesus.

By the time I got back to our room, I was soaked to the skin. Needing to concentrate on something normal, I turned on the shower, letting it run until it steamed, then stripped and climbed in. Cold had permeated straight through to my bones. I stood under the spray, not moving until I started to feel the heat seeping in. My muscles started to relax, and my mind let go of the endless loop of negative chatter. I’d just finished rinsing off the soap when I heard our door slam.

He’s home.

I waited several minutes longer than I needed to be in the shower, wondering if maybe he’d come join me. He was probably cold too, unless it had stopped raining. Even then he might be. I knew he liked showering with me. Maybe that was what we needed. Some time to relax together and forget what just happened.

My skin was starting to prune, and there was still no sign that Tanner was coming into the bathroom, so I shut off the water and grabbed my towel. The closet door slammed, and I heard drawers being opened and closed with way more vigor than was required.
What the fuck?

Wrapping the towel around my waist, I ventured into the room. Tanner had his suitcase on the bed, and it was already half full of clothes. Fear settled in my chest. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going home….” He paused for so long, I had the horrifying feeling he meant forever. “For the weekend.”

“Oh. Okay.” I don’t know why I said that. It wasn’t okay. The last thing in the world I wanted was for him to leave, especially if we were fighting. I ran my hand through my wet hair, hoping he’d say something.

He didn’t look at me. He threw two pairs of socks into his bag and brushed past me into the bathroom, returning a second later with his toothbrush and toothpaste, which also disappeared into his bag.

“Tanner, I’m sorry I stormed out. I just… shit… you can’t….”

“I can’t what? Kiss the guy I like during a movie? Sorry, Collin. Didn’t mean to be so offensive.”

I flinched. “It wasn’t offensive. Fuck. What if someone saw?”

“What if they did?” His eyes met mine, dark and passionate and so full of fire, I couldn’t look away.

I swallowed hard, hoping my heart wouldn’t beat its way out of my chest. “Are you saying you want people to know?”

“I’m saying I don’t care. I don’t care who knows. I don’t care what they think. What I care about is you. And I’m trying to be patient. I know you’ve got reasons for keeping us secret. I get it. But Jesus, Collin, it was a dark room. And you pulled away like I’d burned you with acid.”

“Tim was right on the other side of me.”

“So?” His eyes blazed.

I felt like my brain was about to explode. “I don’t know.”

“Well, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you need to figure out the answer to that. Figure out what’s more important to you. Because if we stay together, I’ve got news for you. I’m gonna wanna kiss you sometimes without giving a fuck about who might see.”

If. He said if. Fuck.

Tanner tugged open the drawer beneath his bed and pulled out his gym bag. “Wendy said I could catch a ride down to the city with her. That’ll give you the whole weekend to think.”

The backs of my eyes stung.
He’s leaving. He’s still pissed. Are we breaking up?
My stomach lurched. “Tanner, I….”

He shoved a few T-shirts into the bag, swiped some things off his dresser, and zipped the bag shut. “She’s leaving first thing in the morning, so I’m just going over now.”

My brain couldn’t keep up with what was happening. Tanner slung his backpack over his shoulder, grabbed the duffel and gym bag, and walked to the door. It creaked as he pulled it open. To me it sounded like the Earth had cracked in two. Like the world was ending.

“Wait.”

“What?” He turned and looked at me, arm braced against the open door.

Say something. Anything.
Laughter sounded in the hall, and Tim and Eric stopped outside our room.

“Hey,” Tim said. “Where you going?”

“Wendy and I are headed home for the weekend.”

“Nice. Have a good time.” He elbowed Tanner and muttered something to Eric about Wendy’s ass. Then he looked at me. “Where the fuck did you run off to in such a hurry?”

“I, uh, I forgot to turn in a paper. I had to e-mail it to my professor.”

“Good thing you remembered.” Tim walked past, heading toward his room.

Tanner looked at me again. Waiting. Prodding me with his eyes. And I couldn’t speak, couldn’t say one goddamned thing.

He nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

Letting go of the door, he stepped into the hall and let it slam behind him. I listened as he clomped down the hall and into the stairwell, pretty sure everything I liked about my life had just ended.

T
ANNER HADN
’
T even been gone twenty-four hours, but I was a wreck. I made it through my shift at work, wanting nothing more than to go home. Then I got back to the dorm and felt even worse. With him gone our room felt beyond empty. Devoid of energy. The kind of alone I didn’t want to ever feel again.

I knew he was right—right to be angry, right to be hurt, right to say all the shit he did. I did need to get more comfortable, with everything, including myself. How crazy was that? I’d been me for twenty years, but the only time I was comfortable about it was when I was alone with him. All shades of wrong. Not because I felt good about myself with him, but because I needed to feel good about myself, period.

Late-afternoon sun shone through the window. I knew I should get work done or go to the library, but I didn’t want to. Instead I stripped off my clothes. Stupid as it sounds I’d never done that before—been naked alone in my own room. Sure, once in a while, if I was changing, there might be a second or two when I didn’t have anything on, but other than that? Nope. Even when I showered, I always waited until right before I stepped under the spray to remove everything.

When it was all off—shirt, pants, boxers, socks—I stood there. Nothing happened. The world didn’t end. I didn’t spontaneously combust. I’d seen Tanner walk around nude countless times. It seemed the same rules of nature applied to me. I could be naked.

I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a Snapple. I drank half of it, then screwed the lid on and put it back. My backpack sat next to the bed, so I rooted through it, found my laptop, and sat down on the bed. Turning it on and waiting for the browser to load was enough to make my heart beat faster. I typed in the website Tanner had told me about—the porn site he recommended. Before the page even loaded, I started getting hard.

You can do this.
Up popped a half-dozen windows, each with a guy jerking off, two with a helping hand. My cock took special note of the two young guys who easily could have been me and Tanner. The dark-haired one worked the blond’s cock with obvious familiarity. Instinctively I reached for my erection, but the moment I made contact, I scanned the room.

Jesus. There’s no one here. The blinds are down. The door is locked. Tanner’s not due home for two days. There’s no reason in the world not to do this. There’s not even any risk.

Still I hesitated. The old feeling of nervousness roiled inside me.

I clicked the arrow and went to the next set of images. The same couple, further along, with the dark-haired one murmuring encouragement as the blond struggled to contain his orgasm. He moaned, and again my gaze darted to the door.
Too loud? Could someone walking by hear? Would they know it’s porn? Think it’s me?
Not ready to take that chance, I lowered the volume but didn’t let go of my cock. Moisture beaded at the tip, and I swiped it away, then rubbed it into the swollen skin. My balls puckered, and the tingling in the base of my cock increased.

The guy on the screen arched his back, pressing his head deep into the pillow. His hands traveled down the length of his body, then replaced his buddy’s hands as he started to stroke his own cock.
Fuck.
I jerked a little faster. Watching made me hot and clearly had the same effect on his helper, who had immediately started jacking himself with his eyes glued to the blond. Who could blame him? I could watch Tanner get himself off day and night and never get tired of it. It was me that was the problem—my issues, my insecurities. My stuff to get over.

Blondie moaned and lifted his head off the pillow, cupping his balls and beating off so fast the camera couldn’t keep up with the speed of the movements. His stomach tensed in knots as he jizzed all over his chest. It didn’t take more than three seconds before his friend unloaded too. He groaned even louder than the blond, pumping until he was totally spent, and then he collapsed onto the bed alongside his partner, leaned in to kiss him, and they both started laughing.
Jesus. What a moment of bliss.
Thanks to Tanner, I knew what that felt like. And I didn’t want to lose it. Didn’t want to fuck it up because I had some stupid hang-ups.

I scrolled the other images—mostly guys going at it solo. All totally into it, all recording themselves to put the images online. Why? Because they could. Because they didn’t care if someone saw them or knew what they were doing. Because they were comfortable with themselves and not paralyzed with fear. Plus they were fucking hot.

My cock throbbed in response to each come shot I watched, but I paused my stroking in between. I didn’t want to come yet. And when I did, I thought I owed it to myself to be completely in the moment. I closed the laptop and settled myself on the bed, propped up enough to have a clear view down the length of my body.

I loved this view when it involved Tanner. Loved watching his head bob up and down on me or his arms flex as he stroked me. Loved having his golden skin sprawled alongside my paleness. I tried to remember if I’d ever just studied my own body. I hadn’t. All those times in my car had been spent looking over my shoulder and into the side-view mirrors to make sure no one was coming. Every time I’d been in a bed, it had been under the covers. Even in the shower, I closed my eyes.

This time I looked. Watching made it feel different. Not only could I feel every vein, every ridge, I could see them. Tremors shook through me as I varied the stroke, thumb up, thumb down, two fingers, whole fist, head rubbing against my other palm. Every variation felt better than the one before. My abs clenched hard and tight. My feet slid against the blankets, looking for some place to brace. My thighs flexed, and I slipped a hand beneath my balls, rubbing my asshole. Wet from precome, I didn’t bother with lube. I eased a finger inside… a little more. I breathed out, controlling my arousal and relaxing the right muscles. Relief rumbled in my throat when my fingertip made contact.

Holy fuck.
Why had I not been doing this for years? The skin on my dick pulled so tight it glistened. Deep red gliding in and out of my fist. My lower back ached with tension, and my shoulder cramped from reaching between my legs. I didn’t care. I felt so good, I didn’t care about anything but keeping this feeling going as long as possible.

The pounding on my door nearly sent me careening off the bed. My heartbeat thudded behind my eyes.

“Collin. You in there? We’re going to Starbucks.”

I could hear shuffling and mumbling. Tim and whoever he was talking to were right outside the door. Not eight feet away from me with my hand up my ass and my cock seconds from spewing. Panic overwhelmed me, but I fought it. I wanted to grab the blanket and cover up or dive for my clothes and yank them on. Or sink into the bed and disappear altogether. Any other time I’d have chosen one of the above. This time what I wanted most was to come. To prove to myself that I could do this.

Letting my hand glide slowly up and down my length, I could tell my cock was thoroughly on board with this plan. The pounding came again. “Where the fuck is he?”

The doorknob rattled, and for a split second, I could imagine Tim walking in, seeing me like this, the stunned look on his face, the humiliation I’d feel. My face heated, but I kept going. I needed this. Needed it more than self-control or self-preservation or caution or sanity. I stroked faster, kneading the knot deep inside me, riding the crest of arousal until my legs started to shake.

More muttering in the hall, then a final loud thump on the door. They were still there. Right there. And so was I. Waiting was no longer an option. Come crept up my length, inch by inch until I tumbled over the edge into oblivion as it jetted out of me, right onto my face and my neck, coating my chest. Footsteps echoed down the hallway, but all I could concentrate on was the contractions inside my body as my ass milked my finger and my hand milked my cock.

My heart rate and breathing finally leveled off, and my hands fell to my sides. The room spun, but it started to slow down. I surveyed the damage. The mess was impressive. Instead of getting up right away, I lay there enjoying the moment. Every muscle in my body had relaxed and all that was left behind was this floating sensation. Smiling, I thought of Tanner. This was what he was talking about. Letting go. I did it. Even with Tim banging on the door, I did it. And I knew I could do it again, with Tanner right there, watching me. For the first time, I truly wanted that, and I couldn’t wait to tell him.

I just hoped he still wanted to hear it.

I’
D TEXTED Tanner twice and left a voice mail, but there’d been no reply.

Fuck. What if I blew it?
I checked my cell again, jiggling the charger to make sure it was plugged in all the way. It was. And there were no missed calls or messages. He wasn’t answering me.

I reread the same page of my English Lit homework for the tenth time. All the words blurred together. I couldn’t concentrate on a damned thing.