Monkey (37 page)

If you are not sure what came of it, you must listen to what is told in the next chapter.

M
ONKEY
pinched Sandy with one hand and Pigsy with the other. They understood what he meant and both sat stock still, while the three Taoists advanced, peering about in every direction. ‘Some rascal must have been here’ said the Tiger Strength Immortal. ‘All the offerings have been eaten up.’

‘It looks as though ordinary human beings have been at work,’ said the Deer Strength Immortal. ‘They’ve spat out the fruit stones and skins. It’s strange that there is no one to be seen.’

‘It’s my idea,’ said the Ram Strength Immortal, ‘that the Three Blessed Ones have been so deeply moved by our prayers and recitations that they have vouchsafed to come down and accept our offerings. They may easily be hovering about somewhere on their cranes, and it would be a good plan to take advantage of their presence. I suggest that we should beg for some holy water and a little Elixir. We should get a lot of credit at Court if we could use them to the king’s advantage.’

‘A good idea,’ said the Tiger Strength Immortal. And sending for some of his disciples, he bade them recite the scriptures, while he himself in full robes danced the dance of the Dipper Star, calling upon the Trinity to vouchsafe to its devout worshippers a little Elixir and holy water, that the king might live for ever.

‘Brother,’ whispered Pigsy to Monkey, ‘there was no need to let ourselves in for this. Directly we finished eating we ought to have bolted. How are we going to answer their prayer?’

Monkey pinched him, and then called out in a loud, impressive voice. ‘My children,’ he said, ‘I must ask you to defer this request. My colleagues and I have come on straight from a peach banquet in Heaven, and we haven’t got any holy water or elixir with us.’

Hearing the deity condescend to address them, the Taoists trembled with religious awe. ‘Father,’ they said, ‘you surely realize that for us this is too good an opportunity to be lost. Do not, we beseech you, go back to Heaven without leaving us some sort of magical receipt.’

Sandy pinched Monkey. ‘Brother,’ he whispered, ‘they are praying again. We’re not going to get out of this so easily.’

‘Nonsense,’ whispered Monkey. ‘All we’ve got to do is to answer their prayers and give them something.’

‘That would be easier if we had anything to give,’ whispered Pigsy.

‘Watch me,’ whispered Monkey, ‘and you’ll see that you are just as capable of satisfying them as I am.’

‘Little ones,’ he said, addressing the Taoists, ‘I am naturally not keen on letting my congregation die out; so I’ll see if we can manage to let you have a little holy water, to promote your longevity.’

‘We implore you to do so,’ they said, prostrating themselves. ‘All our days shall be devoted to the propagation of the Way and its Power, to the service of our king and the credit of the Secret School’

‘Very well then,’ said Monkey. ‘But we shall each need something to put it into.’ The Tiger Strength Immortal bustled off and soon reappeared carrying, single-handed, an enormous earthenware jar. The Deer Strength Immortal brought a garden-vase and put it on the altar. The Ram Strength Immortal took the flowers out of a flower-pot and put it between the other two. ‘Now go outside the building, close the shutters and stay there,’ said Monkey. ‘For no one is permitted to witness our holy mysteries.’ When all was ready, Monkey got up, lifted his tiger-skin and pissed into the flower-pot. ‘Brother,’ said Pigsy, highly delighted. ‘We’ve had some rare games together since I joined you, but this beats all.’ And that fool Pigsy, lifting his dress, let fall such a cascade as would have made the Lii Liang Falls seem a mere trickle. Left with the big jug, Sandy could do no more than half fill it. Then they adjusted their clothes, and sat down decorously as before. ‘little ones,’ Monkey called out, ‘you can come and fetch your holy water.’

The Taoists returned, full of gratitude and awe. ‘Bring a cup,’ said the Tiger Strength Immortal to one of his disciples. ‘I should like to taste it.’ The moment he tasted the contents of the cup, the Immortal’s lip curled wryly. ‘Does it taste good?’ asked the Deer Strength Immortal. ‘It’s rather too full-flavoured for my liking,’ said the Tiger Strength Immortal. ‘Let me taste it,’ said the Ram Strength Immortal. ‘It smells rather like pig’s urine,’ he said doubtfully, when the cup touched his lips. Monkey saw that the game was up. ‘We’ve played our trick,’ he said to the others,’ and now we’d better take the credit for it.’

‘How could you be such fools,’ he called out to the Taoists, ‘as to believe that the Deities had come down to earth? We’re no Blessed Trinity, but priests, from China. And what you have been drinking is not the Water of Life, but just our piss 1’

No sooner did the Taoists hear these words than they rushed out, seized pitchforks, brooms, tiles, stones, and whatever else they could lay hands on, and with one accord rushed at the impostors. In the nick of time Monkey grabbed Sandy with one hand and Pigsy with the other, and rushed them to the door. Riding with him on his shining cloud they were soon back at the temple where Tripitaka was lodged. Here they slipped back into bed, taking care not to wake the Master.

‘Now we are all going to Court to get our passports put in order,’ Tripitaka announced when he woke.

The king of the country, on hearing that three Buddhist pilgrims sought admittance to the palace, was in a tearing rage. ‘If they must needs court death,’ he said, ‘why should they do it here, of all places? And what were the police doing, I should like to know. They ought never to have been let through.’ At this, a minister stepped forward. ‘The country of T’ang,’ he said, ‘is ten thousand leagues away and the road is as good as impassable. If they do indeed come from there, they must be possessed of some mysterious power. I am in favour of verifying the papers and letting them proceed. It would be wiser not to get on to bad terms with them.’

The king agreed, and ordered the passports to be sent in. When he had examined them, he told a eunuch to show the
Buddhists in, and coming down from his Dragon Throne, went out to meet them, having ordered attendants to put ready three embroidered cushions. Turning his head as he went in, Tripitaka saw three Taoist dignitaries strutting along, accompanied by a touzle-headed acolyte. The whole Court, at the sight of them, waited with bowed back and eyes upon the ground, while the immortals strode up to the dais without so much as a nod to the king of the land.

‘To what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?’ the king said humbly.

‘An incident has occurred which we feel bound to report,’ they said. ‘From what country do these four priests come?’

‘From China,’ said the king. ‘They are on their way to India to fetch scriptures, and have come to present their passports.’

The Taoists clapped their hands and laughed aloud. ‘Well, of all the odd places for them to have escaped to!’ they exclaimed.

‘I don’t follow you,’ said the king. “They have just arrived with their passports, and as they are only passing through this kingdom and it would be unwise to pick a quarrel with China, it seems best to check their papers and let them go. I hope they have not shown disrespect to my reverend Preceptors?’

‘Disrespect 1’ cried the Taoists. ‘Yesterday they killed two of our disciples, released five hundred priests who were working for us, and smashed up our carts. Then at night they slipped into our temple, threw down the three holy images, and ate all the offerings. We naturally imagined that the Deities had descended from Heaven and deigned to accept the offerings. We thought it a good opportunity to ask for a little holy water, for your Majesty’s use. The rogues then tried to trick us by giving us their urine. We were not taken in, and were just going to lay hands on them when they made off. And here they arel “Narrow is the way of the evil-doer!”‘

The king flew into a great rage and was for executing the four of them on the spot. But Monkey cried out in a loud
voice, ‘Let your Majesty stay the thunderbolts of his wrath and hear what we priests have to say.’

‘Do you dare claim,’ said the king, ‘that the Heads of Religion have misinformed me ?’

‘What proof can they bring,’ said Monkey, ‘that it was we who killed the two Taoists ? And even if we were identified, you would have the right to seize two of us and to forfeit their lives; the others you would have to send on their way. As for breaking carts, that is not a crime deserving of the death penalty, and if it can be brought home to us, it would be enough for one of us to be brought to justice. As for the defilement of your temple – the charge is clearly a plant.’

‘In what sense a plant ?’ asked the king.

‘We are newcomers here,’ said Monkey. ‘How could we have found our way to the temple in the dark ? And if we defiled it, why were we not arrested on the spot, instead of being suddenly accused here ? You must be aware that cases of mistaken identity occur everywhere and every day. How do you know that we are the true culprits? I submit that your Majesty should make proper investigation.’

The king had not at the best of times a very clear head, and having heard Monkey’s speech he felt thoroughly perplexed. He was trying to make up his mind what to do, when a eunuch announced that a number of village elders were asking to be admitted to the Throne.

‘Your Majesty,’ they said, when they were brought in, ‘there has been no rain all the spring and we hope you will ask the Immortals to bring us rain and save the people from drought.’

‘You may retire,’ said the king. ‘You shall have your rain.’

‘If you want to know,’ said he, turning to Tripitaka, ‘why I suppressed Buddhism here, it was because some years ago the Buddhists were unable to bring rain, not a drop of it. Fortunately these Immortals arrived and saved us in the nick of time. You have come from a distant land and attacked the Taoists and their institutions. I ought to deal severely with you, but I am willing to give you one more chance. You shall have a rain-making competition with the Immortals. If you can produce rain, I will pardon you, sign
your passports, and let you go. But if you lose, I shall execute you all on the spot.’

Monkey laughed. ‘I don’t know about the others,’ he said,’ but if it’s a matter of praying I can claim to understand something about it, I assure you.’

An altar was built and the Emperor went to an upper window of his palace to watch the ceremony. Tripitaka and the other pilgrims waited below, while the Immortals accompanied the king. When all the preparations were complete, the Immortals were called upon to perform. The Deer Strength Immortal left the king’s side and came downstairs.

‘Where are you off to ?’ said Monkey.

‘I am going to the altar to pray for rain,’ said he.

‘That’s not very good manners, is it?’ said Monkey. ‘Strangers first is the rule. But “the dragon does not deign to crush the earthworm”. You shall have first turn. But you must make your announcement.’

‘What announcement ?’ the Immortal asked.

‘You must say exactly what you are going to bring about,’ said Monkey. ‘Otherwise who’s to know whether you have been successful ?’

‘It’s really surprising how sensibly that little priest talks,’ said the king.

‘He’ll have more surprises before he’s finished with Monkey,’ Sandy whispered.

‘I see no need for a statement,’ said the Immortal. ‘The king knows what I am going to do.’

‘That’s not to the point,’ said Monkey. ‘We must each have our programme; otherwise there’ll be a mix-up.’

‘Very well then,’ said the Immortal. ‘I shall fix my eyes on this magic table and give a cry. At the first cry, wind will come. At the second cry, clouds will rise. At the third cry, thunder will sound, and at the fourth rain will begin. I shall cry out a last time, and the rain will cease.’

‘Pray begin,’ said Monkey. ‘This will be most entertaining for us.’

The altar that had been built was about thirty feet high. On each side were ranged the banners of the twenty-eight lunar
Mansions. On a long table stood incense-burners from which the smoke rose curling, and at each side torches flamed. At the side of each brazier was a metal plate inscribed with the name of a tbunder-spirit, and at the foot of the table were five great basins full of clear water, in each of which a willow-spray floated, to which was attached an iron plaque inscribed with the magic diagram of one of the Lords of Thunder. Behind the altar were some Taoists writing out texts. There were also a number of statues representing the deities controlled by the magic diagrams, together with the figures of local deities and patron spirits.

The Immortal strode up to the altar, where an acolyte handed to him a yellow paper inscribed with diagrams and a sword. Sword in hand he recited some spells and burned a diagram. Then several Taoists came forward with images and a written text, which they burned. A stinging sound came from the tablet which the Immortal was carrying, and at the same moment there was a rush of wind in the air above.

‘That’s bad,’ whispered Pigsy. ‘His tablet sounded and he has got as far as producing a gust of wind.’

‘Be quiet, brother,’ said Monkey.’ You’ll have enough to do looking after the Master. You may leave the rest to me.’

Dear Monkey! He leapt into the air and cried, ‘Who’s supposed to be in charge of the wind?’ At once the Old Woman of the Wind appeared, hugging her bag, while Sun Erh-lang held tight the rope at the mouth of the bag, and both bowed low. ‘I am protecting Tripitaka on his way to India,’ said Monkey, ‘and we are having a competition in rain-making with the Immortals here. Why are you helping them instead of us ? I’ll let you off lightly if you call in the wind. But if there is breeze enough to stir those Taoists’ whiskers, you will each get twenty with this iron cudgel.’