Moonlight Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (11 page)

Emily spoke.
“
It
’
s super appropriate that it
’
s like end-of-the-world weather out here right now as we begin our life of crime together.
”

Lightning struck a tree, perfectly timed with the end of her declaration.

Ingrid nodded.
“
Yes. Perfect. I feel like I
’
m made of lightning right now. I kind of hope Tia is home. I need to kick someone around. If she hadn
’
t been available for Sheldon
’
s booty calls every time he came on the island, maybe he would have been able to leave me and Sage Island in the past. But instead she kept luring him back here like the cheating wife-whore cow-dove that she is. This is completely her fault.
”

“
For sure. We
’
ll make her pay. Pinky swear?
”
Emily extended her hand to unnecessarily lock in the promise.

They locked pinkies and shook on it.
“
Swear.
”

Tia
’
s Prius was not in the driveway.
“
Score,
”
Emily said.
“
Hopefully she's stranded somewhere in her stupid electric car. I mean, don't get me wrong. I
’
m all for saving the planet, but we could use a break. Plus, it
’
s a pea-green color. I mean, honestly, who buys a car that looks like it was inspired by baby diarrhea?
”

Ingrid grinned.
“
She has terrible taste. Obviously. She was hooking up with Sorry Sheldon. Clearly she had no self-respect. I mean, college dingbat me didn
’
t even sleep with Sheldon.
”

They walked around to the back of the small bungalow to check the back door.
“
This is a cute house, Ingrid. I mean, how did someone with such terrible taste pick out such a cute house?
”

“
Eh,
”
Ingrid replied,
“
it was cute before she ever moved in.
”
She tried the back door, which was unlocked, and let herself in. She faked a gag as soon as she stepped into the kitchen.
“
Besides, you spoke to soon. She apparently has a thing for poop-green.
”

Emily stepped in behind Ingrid and choked. The walls, cabinet, linoleum, and counter top were the same horrific color as Tia
’
s car. This might be the most disgusting thing she’d ever seen. Other than the blown-to-bits body.”

“
Oh, man. This kitchen is ruined. Ruined. It could have been so cute. Check out those exposed beams and the vintage stove. What the hell was this girl thinking?
”

Ingrid laughed.
“
Maybe she was punishing herself for being an adulteress?
”

Emily snorted and cackled.
“
That might be the funniest thing today.
”

“
Yeah, not hard with the terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day we
’
ve had so far,
” Ingrid said. And then stifled a sniffle.

“
So, uh, I
’
m not sure what we are hoping to find here. Chunks of Sheldon
’
s body?
”
Emily tried to keep the mood light, but being in this putrid kitchen was giving her an extreme desire to leave immediately.

Ingrid joked,
“
That would be nice. Easy. Maybe in Tia's bed. Maybe she kept his penis for memorabilia? Or Kevin. If Kevin killed him, maybe he kept some sort of trophy to remind his wife that she was his forever?
”

Emily eyes lit up in evil glee. “
Ew. Well, yeah, except we are the ones that blew the body up.
”

“
Oh, right. Well, he got shot right? Maybe they shot him here? He? She?
”

“
I don
’
t know,
” Emily said
.
“
If Kevin did it, he wouldn't be stupid enough to leave the evidence right? Like he would have cleaned up the blood and dug the bullets out of the wall or whatever?
”

“
You
’
ve been watching a lot CSI, haven
’
t you Emmy my dove?
”

Emily
shrugged, refusing to be ashamed of her useful addictions.
“
Well, you know. I don't have a job. And with this island becoming a hotbed of homicidal maniacs, it
’
s probably good I know what I'm talking about.
”

Ingrid
laughed, moving through the house as they bantered.
“
I can see the book title now.
All I Need to Know to Solve Murders, I Learned from Crime Shows on Netflix
.
”

Emily ran with her idea. “
Oh, I like it. We should co-author it. It will be fun. We can drink wine and pretend like we are super famous authors. I mean, we are already super rich. All we are missing is fame.
”

“
True enough,” Ingrid said. “Although it is possible that if we are connected to enough murders, we could become infamous murderesses. The Sage Island Serial Killers. Has a nice ring, don't you think?
”

“Do you want fame or infamy, dear Ingrid?”

“Good point.
Infamous is not the same thing as famous. I want fame. So I can rub it in Gabe's face. But we could get famous by writing that last book you mentioned. We should come up with a pen name.
”

They continued walking through the house, finding no evidence of any kind of fight or bloody massacre.

“
This isn
’
t working,
”
Emily said.
“
And no pen name. We want fame, right? We have to use our real names.
”

“
Yeah, you
’
re probably right. We
’
ll win the Nebula award for our murder mystery. I
’
ll want Gabe to know that he is the incompetent sheriff character in my book.
”

Emily cleared her throat.

Ingrid fake apologized.
“
Sorry, our book.
”

Emily continued.
“
Plus, the Nebula award is for science fiction. Not mystery.
”

“
Whatever, we
’
ll just create our own planet and set the mystery there. There. Science fiction. Easy peasy.
”

They were upstairs now in the master bedroom, and they both froze when they heard the front door open.

“
It
’
s okay,
”
Emily whispered.
“
I got this. You think it's Tia or Kevin? If it
’
s Tia, I
’
ll clock her from behind with a candlestick. If it
’
s Kevin, I
’
m going to use the wrench. And I
’
ll hit him a few more times to knock sense into him.
”

“
It has to be Tia. Kevin drives a loud ugly truck. We would have heard him drive up. Just like that cheating dove to sneak up on us.
”

Just then Tia came into her bedroom, catching them red-handed. Her eyes were red from crying and she was wearing stained sweats and a holey t-shirt.

“
What the hell are you guys doing in here?
”

“
Sheesh, Tia. That
’
s no way to greet someone who has come over to check on you.
”
Emily thought on her feet as she spoke.
“
You look unwell. We figured you
’
d be feeling terrible about your lover's murder so we thought we would check on you.
”

Ingrid chimed in, playing along.
“
We were going to bring a casserole, but then we remember that we don
’
t cook so we, uh, we wanted to see what kind of wine you like. We brought some back from St. Maarten's and we don
’
t mind sharing. Especially when there
’
s been a murder
…”

Emily smirked at a speechless Tia. They were being damned mean-girl to her, but she was cheating on her husband and those actions were completely screwing up Ingrid
’
s life. Tia deserved a little bit of harsh.

Tia smirked.
“
Get out. You aren
’
t here to help me. I
’
ll call the cops.
”

Emily watched Ingrid
’
s face change at the mention of the cops, the wound of Gabe
’
s break-up re-opening. Emily lashed out at Tia.
“
You won
’
t call the cops because if you do, I'll tell your husband, Deputy Dumbass, that you are sleeping with his murder victim. You
’
ll look guilty. Maybe you are. Did you murder Sheldon? Maybe he was bad in bed and you couldn
’
t take it anymore? Or maybe he was going to tell your husband about your little pathetic tryst?
”

Tia paled.
“
You wouldn't tell him! I mean, how did you even know about Sheldon and me?
”

“
The whole island knows,
”
Ingrid replied.
“
Plus, we are witches. So, obviously we just know things.
”

“
You are terrible witches,
”
Tia said.
“
Everyone knows that.
”

Ingrid looked at Emily.
“
She sort of has a point. But you know, I don
’
t think I
’
m going to let you
—
a cheating dove
—
insult me. Especially not today. I think I should show you that I
’
m not the terrible witch you and everyone else seems to think I am.
”

Emily was getting nervous. Ingrid sounded slightly out of control and a little too close to the wrong kind of crazy.

Ingrid lifted her hand and pushed Tia into the bathroom, then flicked her wrist and shut the bathroom door. Then with another movement from her hand she slid the dresser in front of the door so Tia wouldn
’
t be able to get out.

“
Uh, damn. Remind me not to piss you off.
”

Ingrid rolled her eyes.
“
She can sit there in the bathroom until her precious deputy comes home. And we are only terrible because we want to be. People irritate me today.
”

“
People irritate you every day.
”
They walked out of the house nonchalantly as if they hadn
’
t just broken in and locked the homeowner in the bathroom before leaving.

“
It
’
s true. But especially today. What should we do now? I don
’
t think Tia did it. I mean, I want her to have done it because she is a horrible human. But, I don
’
t know. She seems pretty sad that he
’
s dead.
”
Ingrid stared at the Camaro for a long moment to think.

“
Maybe she is just sad because she realizes that in addition to being a cheater, she is also a murderer.
”

“
Possibly.
”
Ingrid sounded unconvinced.

Emily grunted, sounding irritated.

Ingrid continued, ignoring her friend.
“
I think we should go talk to Maria. I've always liked her. And maybe she can give us some info about other people that might have hated her brother. Or some proof that Deputy whatever-you-call-him did it. That would be great. He could go to jail. Gabe would be proved to make stupid decisions, and he
’
d have to apologize. Cheating Tia can be left home alone. Her lover dead and her husband in jail. That would be good, right?
”