Moonlight Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (15 page)

“
Oh no,
”
Ingrid said.
“
No.
”

She shoved it aside, examined her face, and tightened a fine line around her mouth. Magic was a beautiful thing and why she still looked 25 even though she
’
d passed the big 3-0.

She dumped out the coffee Emily had attempted and made them both something new. Ingrid went super sweet and milky. Emily got hers dark for her bitter soul and her snarky underwear delivery. Considering Ingrid had been pantsed by a ghost, though, she was wearing the Batman underwear and jeans. She
’
d added a St. Maarten
’
s hoodie for comfort. Emily, on the other hand, was wearing daisy dukes, a tank top, flip flips and a hoodie.

“
We
’
re not in the tropics anymore,
”
Ingrid said.

“
I was hot.
”

Ingrid looked her smug friend over and said,
“
You whore, you totally did Dumb as a Rock yesterday. Unless
…”

“
It was not Deputy Dumbass. In addition to providing you with underwear,
”
Emily said.
“
I got a candle titled progress.
”

She held up a white candle with a picture of a gate and clouds on it.

Ingrid rolled her eyes and added mascara while Emily continued,
“
Also, a package of fresh sage from the deli, sandwiches for both of us, double chocolate chip cookies, and a Bible.
”

Ingrid
’
s eyebrows rose.

“
I figure we light the candle in the Camaro, burn the sage, and read some passages about the afterlife.
”

“
Do you know any of those?
”

“
I saw the pastor from that one church in the grocery story. He up and gave me the Bible for free, marked the passages for me, and invited us to a prayer meeting. I said we
’
d go.
”

“
Is this prayer meeting in the woods?
”

“
Nope.
”

“
Can we have wine?
”

“
I don
’
t see why not. Don
’
t they like eat crackers and drink wine at those meetings?
”

“
I
’
m a witch, I don
’
t know. If I can have my own wine, we can go.
”
Ingrid stood and said,
“
So we
’
re gonna read Bible verses at the ghost and make him go away?
”

“
Sure, why not?
”

“
Wasn
’
t your uncle a pagan? Would Bible verses even work on someone who didn
’
t believe in the Bible?
”

“
Yes. No. But then I
’
d have to ask Aunt Hazel what to do, and she
’
d scold us both.
”

“
We could call my sister. But my sister is pretty
…
what
’
s the word?
”

“
I think you would use bitch-dove. Whereas I would use uptight, know-it-all, Mama
’
s Girl who would remind you that you asked her a question for all time.
”

“
So Bible verses then. Kay.
”

Ingrid lit the candle with her low lying fury and mad skills at fire while Emily held the burning sage inside the car.

“
Ow, ow, ow,
”
she said, dropping the burning herbs onto the seat. Ingrid read,
“
For the living know they will die; but the dead do not know anything, nor have they any longer a reward, for their memory is forgotten.
”

Ingrid looked up at Emily who shrugged.

“
Somehow,
”
Ingrid said,
“
I don
’
t think that one is going to help.
”

“
What? I wasn
’
t listening.
”

Ingrid flipped to another marked verse and read,
“
The dead do not praise the lord, Nor do any who go down into silence.
”

“
Huh,
”
Emily said, looking over Ingrid
’
s shoulder.

Ingrid tried another,
“
For the fate of the sons of men and the fate of beasts is the same. As one dies so dies the other; indeed, they all have the same breath and there is no advantage for man over beast, for all is vanity. All go to the same place. All came from the dust and all return to the dust.
”

“
Um,
”
Emily said. She took the Bible from Ingrid and flipped through.

Clearing her throat, Emily read,
“
For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.
”

“
Emily, my best dove, I just felt a ghostly finger playing with my hair. Uncle Jackass,
”
Ingrid said,
“
I am going to make you regret this to your
…”

“
Well, not your dying day,
”
Emily said,
“
seeing as how you
’
re dead. But as my uncle, it is nasty to sexually harass my best friend while you are dead.
”

Ingrid turned and walked away from the Camaro and headed towards Papa Pandolfi
’
s Pastries. It had opened only a few weeks before, and she was willing to become addicted to the big, mustachioed man
’
s rose cream and strawberry croissants.

“
We might need to call Hazel,
”
Ingrid said.
“
But not my sister. As you said, she is a bitch-dove. Also we need a new car. Two new cars. We should get something sexy. I want mine to be mustard yellow and I will never drive a Camaro again. Thus I swear and what not.
”

“
Gabe loves the Camaro. Also, we are not calling Hazel. We are going to solve one damn problem by ourselves.
”

“
Fine, but the Bible is probably entirely ineffective for a ghost we know is pagan. And also clearly using his afterlife for bad, irritating things for which he will suffer.
”

“
Eh,
”
Emily said taking Ingrid
’
s croissant and having a bite,
“
it was worth a shot. If you keep eating like this, you
’
ll be too fat for Gabe to be interested in you when he
’
s done being mad at you.
”

“
You
’
re a stupid, evil, cow-dove of horror and whoring, you wench of unspeakable things. And such.
”

“
I
’
m just saying you bought the last croissant and I want that one. You should give it to me.
”
Emily looked up as the door the pastry shop opened.

“
Hazel said I would find you here,
”
Saffron said as she came in.
“
She said to tell you that Autumn slept with Sheldon.
”

“
What a hooker she is,
”
Emily said.

“
Says the chick in daisy dukes on a fall day due to afterglow.
”

“
So,
”
Saffron interrupted,
“
I didn
’
t need to know that at all.
”

“
You
’
ll love us someday,
”
Emily said.
“
We grow on people.
”

“
Like a fungus or a wart,
”
Ingrid explained.
“
You
’
ll get used to us because you can
’
t get rid of us and then you
’
ll be ours.
”

“
Well, all right then. I have to get back to my shop and do things like
work.
”

•••

Autumn opened the door, saw it was them, and started to close it.

Emily shoved her foot in the way and said,
“
Hazel was the one who told us that you slept with Sheldon. Was that, I wonder, while Ingrid was also dating him?
”

Autumn
’
s eyes narrowed, but Hazel
’
s name had been the magic word. Autumn wanted to be one of the coven elders. Ingrid had to admit, grudgingly, that she probably had the chops to do it magically. But Autumn was a cold ass dove and half the job of coven elders wasn
’
t so much magical power but magical mentoring. Even Ingrid could see that Autumn would be terrible at that, and Ingrid barely wanted to be part of the coven. Mostly she just wanted Emily
’
s family to accept them as they were.

The coven had these sweet young girls who worked hard at their magic, unlike Emily and Ingrid. And those girls deserved someone better than the mean dove scowling at them right now. Look at that
,
Ingrid thought, I
’
m thinking responsible, caring for the well-being of others thoughts
.
It was Gabe rubbing off on her, and that made Ingrid want to curl into a ball.

Ingrid held up a vial of Saffron
’
s truth serum.

Autumn sighed.

“
Look,
”
Emily said,
“
I
’
d just as soon beat you to death or run you down with our haunted Camaro, but Aunt Hazel would never forgive us or let us get away with murdering a member of her coven.
”

“
That doesn
’
t mean,
”
Ingrid continued,
“
that I won
’
t text Gabe right now that you had a
…
hmmm
…
how best to say in the nastiest and rudest way possible.
”

The door opened behind Autumn and one of her two daughters stuck her head out.

“
Hi Ingrid, Hi Emily,
”
the girl piped. She had bright eyes and lovely skin. And a rebellious streak a mile wide. She was nearly college-aged, and the rebellion was ripe and vibrant. Ingrid could see it radiating from the girl
’
s gaze.

“
Hi,
”
Ingrid said.
“
We
’
re just here to ask your mom a few questions about an
—”

Autumn grabbed the serum and motioned Ingrid and Emily inside.

Emily snorted as she passed Autumn, but Ingrid just grinned her widest, evilest grin.

“
Go to your room, Veruca,
”
Autumn said.

Ingrid winced.
“
What a traditional name.
”

“
It
’
s an interesting choice,
”
Emily added.

“
It
’
s awful,
”
Veruca said,
“
I go by Meg. My sister is worse though, Branka. What sort of potion was Mom shooting? Right?
”

“
That is not your name, and I said to go to your room. Branka and Veruca are lovely names.
”

“
It
’
s the name I would have had if you hadn
’
t screwed Dad over with potions like you do.
”

“
I like this kid,
”
Emily said.
“
And that
’
s saying something because kids suck.
”