Moonlight Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (12 page)

Emily laughed as she got behind the wheel of the Camaro.
“
That would be a pretty perfect day. By the way, I
’
m driving because you
’
re scary when you are a competent witch. I don
’
t think you should be behind the wheel in your current state.
”

Ingrid opened the passenger side door and got in.
“
I
’
ll cut you, Em. Just like you always threaten. You
’
ve given me bad ideas.
”

•••

“
Maria?
”
Emily asked, eyeing Ingrid somewhat askance. There was a part of Ingrid who wanted to laugh at the look of semi-concern and semi-irritation on Emily
’
s face. The truth was
—
neither of them were prepared for how Ingrid had actually felt about Gabe. Ingrid felt like she
’
d been hit on the back of the head by her feelings for him and then how massively she
’
d screwed up
everything.

Emily opened the door of the Camaro. She was driving since friends didn
’
t let friends drive with sullen, burning, mind-numbing fury.

“
Yes,
”
Ingrid said, opening the passenger door of the Camaro.
“
I object to murders in general. This has ruined my nap schedule at least, and I haven
’
t eaten anything good since like
…
possibly ever. You should dump Sam.
”

It came out rather unexpectedly. Also unexpected was the way her dress caught on nothing and slid up while she eased into the car.

“
Hooker,
”
Emily said as Ingrid yanked her skirt down and then asked,
“
Are you commando?
”

“
Shut up,
”
Ingrid said, yanking her skirt back down.

“
Why are you commando?
”

“
Shut up. Gabe. Panties. Drama. Fire in the shower.
”

“
You burned your panties?
”
Emily
’
s snort made even Ingrid laugh.

“
Shut up. Dump Sam. Leave me alone.
”

“
We are going panty shopping, stat, Ingrid, you splendiferous, commando hooker. Are you wanting me to be lonely and single because you are?
”

Yes, that was what Ingrid wanted. Not Emily single. But the snarky, less careful Emily. The bluntly honest and mean one. The one who quit tip-toeing around fragile Ingrid.

“
No,
”
Ingrid replied, grinning with an evil smirk.
“
I want you to dump him because he might be the dumbest person you have ever dated, and I
’
m including Dickhead in that statement. Ghost, if you lay another disembodied hand on me, I will find a way to remove said hand. Now, color me surprised, but this hunk of classic, sexy car is haunted, my slutty, idiot, fireman-dating dove.
”

“
You think so, too?
”
Emily asked in relief.
“
I thought I was going a little insane. I mean calling him Ghosty was supposed to be a joke. But then it started to be true. But also, no. I may not keep Fireman Sam forever, but I want him now. If you know what I mean. It
’
s our only car. We have to deal.
”

“
You are a Jezebel, my favorite dove,
”
Ingrid said, leaning her head against the back of the car seat.
“
I think that deciding to break into Kevin
’
s house might have been ill-thought out. That Tia though, she is an evil one. If she didn
’
t kill Sheldon, she sure would have. Can you imagine cheating on Kevin with Sheldon? I mean, Kevin is pretty hot. I don
’
t like him, but I
’
d prefer if you went for him over Sam.
”

“
Did you just tell me to go for Deputy Dumbass?
”

“
The jerk, evil, horrible, I hate him so much if I haven
’
t hexed him yet I will, deputy is better than Fireman Dumb as a Rock.
“

“
Listen, just because Sheriff Hotpants dumped your dumb ass for being a dumbass does not mean that I have to dump my dumbass.
”

The laugh caught her by utter, perfect surprise.
“
I hate you.
”

They pulled up in front of Maria
’
s little bungalow.

“
Probably we
’
d get arrested if Gabe catches us,
”
Emily said, looking at the house.
“
Since you
’
re not doing the sheriff anymore.
”

Ingrid leaned over and honked the horn. Several long, loud honks. They got out of the car and watched for a second, but there was no reaction at the house. They walked up the path, and Emily knocked.

“
Anyone home? Anyone aiming a gun at my head and/or genitals? Hello? Hello?
”

There was no answer, so Ingrid kicked the door, action movie style. Her shoe flew off, and her barefoot slammed into the door. Nothing happened but her shrieking.

“
You
’
re not Gabe or Deputy Dumbass. That isn
’
t going to work.
”

“
It might have. I am a witch. A scary power-mad, Gabe-spinning witch of fury.
”

“
You can remove fine lines and make good coffee.
”

“
And,
”
Ingrid paused dramatically,
“
start things on fire. So don
’
t mess with me.
”

“
Or what, you
’
ll burn down my apartment building?
”

“
Maybe,
”
Ingrid said, taking hold of the handle and willing it opened. To both of their surprise, it worked.
“
I have been burning a lot of things in my shower lately.
”

“
You know, panties and such.
”
Emily opened the door and stepped inside, calling,
“
Maria?
”

The door swung wide.

“
This house feels more haunted than our car.
”

“
Now that Gabe has dumped you, you can have a romantic relationship with my dead uncle.
”

Ingrid slapped the back of Emily
’
s head
—
not lightly.

“
Ow!
”

They looked around. Closets were opened, the garbage was full. Fruit flies had invaded in a take-over-the-planet sort of way.

“
Gross,
”
Ingrid said, kicking aside a pile of shoes at the door.

“
Not everyone inherited a fortune from their first husband and then hired a sweet old lady to clean up.
”

“
I think you mean clean up after you, you lazy mooch BFF.
”

“
True.
”
Emily
’
s nose wrinkled.
“
I think we can confirm that it was Maria who killed Sheldon. After a lifetime of being treated terribly by that sorry excuse for humanity, she went mad and took care of business.
”

“
I can certainly understand her motive.
”
Ingrid opened the cupboards hoping for wine.
“
But I have to say, the gunshot wounds to the genital area were
…
disturbing in that context.
”

“
Did you just say context? What
’
s next? Engenders? Are you channeling Harrison?
”

“
Well, a ghost did just flip up my skirt, so maybe.
”

They dug through Maria
’
s closet. She had an entire box full of journals. Ingrid stole several from random timeframes since who the hell knew when a motive would appear. Emily found a desk full of credit card bills.

“
Dude,
”
Emily said,
“
this looks like the type of shit Dickhead used to pull. Man
…
Maria has a shopping problem.
”

“
He was single. She
’
s probably the person who will inherit.
”
Ingrid sighed.
“
I like Maria. I want Tia to be the killer, not Maria. Maria has nice nails, and she was fun to gossip with, and Tia is a super cow dove.
”

“
Do we tell Gabe?
”

“
Please, he
’
s a cop. He can figure this shit out for himself. I have a killer to catch.
”

Emily snorted again and said,
“
We have a ghost to get rid of, a killer to catch, a sheriff to forgive.
”

Ingrid shook her head, but Emily didn
’
t stop. She added,
“
After he crawls begging for forgiveness and we make him say, via truth serum, that he
’
ll never be over you and that he hates what happened, and he loves you even though we buried a body because you are completely irreplaceable and bring light, joy, happiness, and cash to his life.
”

“
Deal. Also, this house is gross and I want food and then a nap. Or possibly a nap and then food.
”

“
Well, as the person who has seen too much of your butt lately, what you
’
re getting is underwear.
”

Chapter 6

A Shot of Truth

Emily and Ingrid sat in Ingrid
’
s apartment, quietly watching the sailboats bob up and down on the waters at the marina. Emily had insisted that they stop at the boutique next door and buy underwear for Ingrid. Now that she was assured that her friend was no longer going to flash her nether-regions, she could relax. The sight of Ingrid
’
s woo-hoo was more than she could bare. They were both much more docile than usual. They sipped wine and ate cheese.

“
This feels too normal, too cultured for us. There is drama swirling around our personal lives, and we are sipping wine like we are at an art exhibit,
”
Ingrid complained.
“
I feel like we should be doing something. But I don
’
t want to leave the house.
”

“
Ooh, an art exhibit. That would be lovely,
”
Emily said in her best, still-not-very-good British accent. Then she slipped back into her normal voice.
“
Seriously though, I have not been inside an art gallery in forever. After we solve this murder, I want to see something useful and important. Our trip to St. Maarten's was great, and the wine,
”
she said as she held up her glass,
“
is obviously amaze-balls, but I need culture. I mean, listen, I just said amaze-balls. I
’
m a cave man. Please, after these murders are solved and you and Gabe work out your soap opera drama, say we can go somewhere amazing. Like Paris or Rome or Moscow. Oh, or Prague. Yeah, let
’
s go to Prague.
”

Ingrid laughed.
“
Okay, Prague it is. Or Paris or Moscow. But I haven
’
t decided if I
’
m getting back together with Sheriff Mean yet. He might be more drama than I can deal with.
”

“
More love, you mean. You hate that you are serious about him, don't you?
”

Ingrid took a gulp of wine.
“
Yes. I mean I like it and I hate it all at the same time. Plus, I
’
m just mad at him.
”