My Sister's an Alien (7 page)

‘All rise to meet Her Majesty,' said the leader of the army, a rather attractive tall blue sock with a gold circle round the top. And with that Queen Eppie arrived.

‘Hello, stranger in a cheese suit. My name is Queen Eppie. Welcome to my Queendom.'

‘Eppie, it's me,' whispered Zeke.

‘Me
who
?' replied Queen Eppie.

‘Me, Zeke your brother, you stupid git!'

‘Aaaaaagh don't you call me a stupid git,' said Eppie, ‘or I won't tell you that I've been lying here really
missing home while I listened to Mum and her snoring.'

‘Missing home!' said Zeke, not believing. ‘What is there to miss? Here you're a queen and spoilt rotten.'

‘Well actually, Zeke, I'm pretty bored. Whenever I want to get up and do anything some sock goes and does it for me.'

‘Gosh Eppie,' scolded Zeke. ‘Have you been hit on the head? You used to be the laziest fuzzhead that I've ever met, and I was quite proud of you. Anyone else would dream of this life. I can only imagine that you're very ill and I must get you home immediately, because other than that you're an ungrateful dingbat.'

‘Am not.'

‘Are so.'

‘Am not.'

‘Are too.'

‘Guards!' called Eppie. ‘Take this silly boy away and hang him from the clothesline.'

And hundreds of socks came towards Zeke, making frightening faces as they marched. But they actually looked cute instead of scary and Zeke wanted to reach down and cuddle them. Luckily, however, he came to his senses and, as the sock guards reached out for Zeke, he
grabbed the whole bunch and tied them up in a knot.

‘Now come with me,' Zeke ordered his sister.

‘No, I've changed my mind,' said Eppie. ‘You're absolutely right about this place being good. So I've decided that this is where I should stay.'

‘Well, that's bad luck cause I'm taking you home.'

‘But …,' said Eppie.

‘There's no time for buts,' said Zeke urgently as he heard the distant thunder of hooves. ‘I have to take you right here and now because King Neptune is somewhere here on this planet, ready to kidnap you and make you marry his son!'

‘Oh fantastic!' said Eppie. ‘Then I'm definitely staying. I hear Prince Nipper is gorgeous.'

‘You come with me, Eppie,' ordered Zeke. ‘Or else I'm dobbing to Mum.'

The flying horses were coming closer.

Zeke jumped for cover up a green sock tree and the socks shrieked, screamed and squelched (which is a sort of high piercing noise that socks make when they're afraid).

But Eppie stood very straight right in the middle of the garden, smoothing her hair, neatening her gown, fluttering her eyelids like a film star and trying to make her bosoms look enormous, even though she actually didn't have any.

‘I hope he's rich,' wished Eppie. ‘With a boat and a palace and a sister I can play with. And I hope I shall have beautiful clothes and jewels and parties and cakes and lollies. And I hope that he is as handsome as a dream.'

The flurry of horses came closer and halted right before Eppie. She waited for the sock dust and lint to
settle, then slowly opened her eyes while puckering her lips as though ready for a most romantic kiss … and lo and behold if she didn't get a kiss, a great big wet sloppy kiss that smelt a lot like fish.

‘Oh gross!' screamed Eppie as she opened her eyes and saw that Prince Nipper was a fishhead.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaagh!'
shrieked Eppie.

‘Follow me,' yelled Zeke.

But Nipper had grabbed Queen Eppie with his slimy fish fins and was laughing delightedly.

‘Help,' Eppie blurted out.' Help me, Zeke. I promise I'll eat all your yucky vegetables for absolutely ever.' Suddenly Eppie thought she needn't have bothered to make such a big promise because Nipper was so slippery he was losing his grip on her anyway, and down she slid, swish boom bah, and landed softly on the sock ground underneath. But she still needed rescuing.

‘Do you promise you'll eat my yucky vegetables?' demanded Zeke.

‘Yes,' said Eppie sulkily.

‘Pinky then,' said Zeke holding out his little finger.

‘Pinky,' said Zeke touching Zeke's little finger with hers. And so the deal was done. Eppie would eat Zeke's yucky vegetables and Zeke would
rescue her. Then before you could say ‘sock a doodle do' the brother and sister were holding hands and running away as fast as they could.

‘After them!' yelled King Neptune. And off they went through the sock town, chasing Queen Eppie and Zeke, over the sock bridge, past the sock tower, through the sock shops, the sock schools and the sock hospital that was busy repairing all the sick socks with holes in their heels and their toes.

‘Dive,' yelled Zeke.

‘Dive where?' yelled Eppie.

‘This is no time for questions,' scolded Zeke as he picked Eppie up by the scruff of the neck and threw her into a huge football sock that was on his way home from a game, and then threw himself in straight after.

‘Sssssshh,' said Queen Eppie to the football sock. ‘Don't tell a sole we're in here.' (“Sole”, get it?)

‘Of course, Your Majesty. You smell like fish, I assume you're escaping from Prince Nipper? Leave it up to me.'

And they were all perfectly quiet as the football sock walked to the airport with his precious cargo, and no one would ever have known what he was hiding inside if it weren't for one very simple thing—Zeke's yoyo was still attached to Eppie's head and poking out the top.

‘There they are!' yelled King Neptune. And so the football sock ran as fast as he could while his
passengers cried, ‘Help us!'

But no one paid any attention because they couldn't quite understand what Zeke and Eppie had said.

‘
Melt us
? What does that mean?' said the sock crowd that had gathered.

‘No,' yelled Queen Eppie. ‘Help us.'

‘Oh, eat puss!' said the crowd. ‘Well that really is disgusting.'

‘No, you ninnies!' roared Queen
Eppie. ‘For heaven's sake, catch those suckers behind us.'

And the sock people replied, ‘Oh, okay.' But the socks had absolutely no luck at all. They tried lying on the road and tripping the baddies. They even tried jumping from the trees and strangling the Neptunes. But absolutely nothing seemed to work and the Neptunes were only a few horse lengths away as Zeke and Eppie and the football sock entered Planet Sock Airport.

‘When is the next flight to Earth?' said the football sock to the frilly sock airport receptionist.

‘Oh we haven't any direct flights to Earth,' she said. ‘We only have a falling star that is going to Mercury, and a comet that is going to Jupiter.'

‘Have you nothing at all that is going to Earth?' begged Queen Eppie from inside the footy sock.

‘Is that you, Queen Eppie?' said the
receptionist. ‘I'll see what I can do.'

The Neptunes were stopped for a moment by a pair of socks who tried to wrap round their eyes like blindfolds, but soon their war cries could be heard again charging even closer.

The receptionist rang her very hot boyfriend to see what he could do. ‘He's a meteor,' explained the frilly sock. ‘And although he is supposed to go to the sun to refuel, he said he'll drop you off at Earth on the way.'

‘Yeh,' yahooed Zeke and Eppie as a blinding flash and a ball of light landed on the tarmac ready to take them home.

They ran as fast as fast across the tarmac with the Neptunes in frightening pursuit. Closer and closer, they could smell their fishy breath!

‘Oh no, this is the end!' cried Zeke and Eppie as King Neptune lowered his enormous fork and prepared to
scoop the children up like two peas on a plate.

‘Ouch,' said Zeke.

‘Ouch,' said Eppie when the prongs of the fork poked and prodded them as King Neptune tried to take perfect aim.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh,' they both squeaked as they were scooped up at last by the horrible Neptunes who were laughing with glee until … suddenly a huge sock-trap dropped from high above the tarmac and captured the Neptunes like fish in a net, leaving only the fork poking outside and its passengers, Zeke and Eppie.

‘Phew,' said Zeke and Eppie as they climbed on board the meteor just in time, and waved thank you to the clever socks. Then they swooped and glided through the night.

It was very relaxing and the children were feeling good until they
noticed, after a while, that the morning sun was teasing on the horizon and it was about to rise and wake the world.

‘Mum will be getting up pretty soon,' whispered Eppie. ‘I hope we're back in time!'

‘I know,' said Zeke, ‘I'm worried too. It feels like we're going far too

s l o w l y
wa

Suddenly faster and faster they went, faster and faster and faster as they entered Earth's atmosphere!