My Sister's an Alien (2 page)

‘No!' yelled Zeke, jumping up from the couch. ‘You can't hug her … because … because … because … because for all we know she might have some disgusting disease where your ears blow up … and your nose explodes … and your legs and arms fall off. You can't hug her. If you do, you might die! And then I'd die of starvation and Gran and Pops would die of shock and then all the neighbours would come to look at our bodies and they'd catch the disease and they'd all die and all their friends and relatives too. So basically, Mum,
if you go up and hug Eppie now you could end up killing at the very least forty seven thousand million people and their pets who need to be fed!'

‘Zeke, sick little children need to hug their mothers, so I simply must hug Eppie. But if it will make you worry any less, I'll tie a hanky round my mouth and stick a peg on my nose. Now then, I'll look for my glasses for just one more minute and then I'll be up to hug you both.'

‘Oh no,' thought Zeke. ‘What should I do? My life is about to be completely over and I never even got to grow my hair really long and play the drums in a rock band. If Mum finds her glasses and sees that Eppie's a tennis racquet I am definitely going to be dead. Oh, please somebody save me!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Now sometimes, if you make enough wishes throughout your life and none of them ever comes true,
the wish accountants who wear suits and live up in the clouds realise that you're owed a really big wish, and that's the wish they'll try to fulfil. Get it? So that's what happened to Zeke. He hadn't had any wishes come true for ages and ages (except the wish that his sister would disappear, but that one didn't really count because she was still haunting him anyway). So the wish accountants decided it was time for Zeke to be given a really, really big wish and they made this wish come true. (Of course this meant that none of his other wishes would ever come true: he would never win the lottery or be given a Ferrari or represent Australia playing football … but Zeke decided he'd just happily blame Eppie for all of this.)

So what do you think happened? Do you think Zeke's strawberry-sized sister suddenly dropped from the skies and came plonking down the
chimney, where she got stuck just long enough in the grate for Zeke to pull her out by her feet and stretch her back to normal size, so their mother never discovered there'd been one single problem and they lived happily ever after and became incredibly rich and all became actors on
Neighbours
?

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
, drum roll please!

No, nothing so fabulously exciting unfortunately. What happened exactly then and there was that the family cat walked past Zeke, and he was wearing Zeke's mother's glasses. Fantastic! Mum wouldn't find them for a million years.

The cat often secretly borrowed glasses because he liked to read, but his eyesight was getting worse. Of course he knew that he really should go to the eye doctor and get his own set of reading glasses, but the nearest animal eye doctor was a dog
and there was no way this cat was going there.

‘Thanks, wish accountants,' Zeke said to the ceiling. ‘Although I do agree with the kids who are reading this book and think you really could have done a whole lot better and just dropped Eppie down the chimney.' Then Zeke grabbed the biggest fattest
book he could find (a cookbook on one thousand and one things to do with fish), showed it to the cat and put the book and the cat outside the back door. ‘Enjoy your read,' he said to the cat. ‘And take all the time you want.'

Then Zeke went back inside.

‘This is great,' thought Zeke. ‘Mum won't find her glasses for ages now.' And he sat down to relax, put his feet up on the coffee table, stick his finger in his ear and see if any mice were living in there. But suddenly he
interrupted himself as he shrieked,
‘Oh no,'
and got such a shock he jabbed his finger so far into his ear that it almost popped out the other side. ‘I forgot that in about twenty seconds Mum's going upstairs to kiss a tennis racquet good night!' said Zeke. ‘I'd better find go and find an ugly doll that Mum can cuddle instead.'

But up in Eppie's bedroom there was no doll that looked at all like Eppie (who by the way is not ugly and does not look like half a worm, no matter what Zeke says). There were seven Barbie dolls and a stuffed monkey and although Zeke thought the stuffed monkey did look a bit like his sister it was way too small.

Stomp, bump, crash, ow! It was his mother coming up the stairs. And so in absolute desperation, Zeke opened Eppie's wardrobe door, rummaged
through her clothes, found a nightie, put it on, stuck a ribbon in his hair, jumped straight into his little sister's bed and pretended to be asleep … just in the nick of time.

‘How are you feeling, Eppie?' said Mum to the bedside lamp. ‘Still can't talk? Well never mind. Let Mummy give you a hug to make you a whole lot better.' First Mum hugged the bedside lamp, then the chest of drawers, the little chair, the beanbag, the desk and the footstool until finally
she'd gone all the way round the room, tripped on the carpet, fallen onto the bed, and given Zekeppie her hug.

‘Eeeeeeeek!' squeaked Zeke, trying to sound like a girl.

‘In the morning, as a special treat, we'll do your hair in braids,' said Mum. ‘And if you're too sick to go off to school you can play with some of my make-up. In fact,' she paused for extra excitement, ‘would you like to put on a little lipstick now, just to make you feel pretty?'

‘Help,' thought Zeke. ‘I'd rather fall into a black hole and spend the rest of my life being cuddled by slaters than wear one crumb of make-up.'

‘Here's a beautiful red lipstick,' said his mother. ‘So you can sleep looking just like Snow White.' And she put the lipstick on Zeke, tucked him into bed, kissed him goodnight, said,
‘Sleep tight, Eppie. I'll just walk down the hall now and say sweet dreams to Zeke.'

Zeke waited calmly until his mother left the room and then he went into a complete panic. He waved his arms and his legs like an upside down cockroach, covered his face with Eppie's pillow and screamed like Tarzan …

aaaaa
aaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaa
aaaaa
aaaa
aaa
aa.

And then when he'd finished he caught a look at the pillow that was covering his face, saw a red lipsticked mouth smudged on it and screamed once more, only more softly aaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Gross.

‘What will I do?' agonised Zeke. ‘I'll never get back into my room in time for Mum to kiss me good night!' He wriggled and squirmed in
desperate panic, fell off the bed and rolled around, more and more and more until suddenly he found himself wrapped tight in the lambswool rug that normally lay on Eppie's floor. And that's when he caught another glimpse of himself in Eppie's bedroom mirror. ‘I look almost exactly like a sheep,' he thought. ‘Especially to someone who isn't wearing her glasses.' And with that
he got on all fours while still wrapped in the rug and went charging down the hall to his bedroom, bleating ‘Baaaaaaa' as he passed his mum.

Once in his room Zeke unwrapped himself, shoved the rug into his cupboard and dived into his bed.

‘Good heavens, darling,' his mother said to his baseball mit as she
bumbled through the door, ‘I really must be very tired, because I've started seeing things.'

And with that the cat came barging through the door wearing Mum's glasses and carrying Mum's biggest fattest cook book (about one thousand and one things to do with fish). Well of course Mum fainted onto the bed and fell flat on top of Zeke.

‘Oh,' mumbled Zeke. ‘I should have remembered that stupid cat did a speed reading course.'

So there Zeke was, still wearing his sister's nightie and a pretty pink bow in his hair, pinned underneath his collapsed mother. She was still as still and not saying a word and Zeke was worried that she might really have injured herself … until he heard her start to snore and mumble, ‘Oh yes, Leonardo di Caprio! Come and rescue me!'

But what was Eppie doing all this time? Had she stopped flying round the world and landed in some extraordinary place? Was she skiing Swiss slopes, fishing in Finland, surfing in Samoa, digging diamonds in Dubai or swimming in the sea with silly seals? Or was she still as small as a strawberry, attached to Zeke's yoyo and flying round the world, getting giddier and giddier and giddier and yelling, ‘Pass me a
bucket! I think I'm going to be sick.'