Never Far Away (19 page)

 
  “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said.

 
  “Me too.” 

 
   When she pulled away, he took her hand and laced his fingers through hers.  He used his other hand to open the door for her.  When they found the right door to Dr. Evans office they went inside and Ella was greeted with a smile from the receptionist.

 
  “Hi, I’m Ella Sinclair and I made an appointment earlier today over the phone.”

 
  “Right, of course,” the receptionist said.  “Here are the forms I need you to fill out.  And I also need to know, will this be billed to insurance?”

 
  “No, I’ll be paying cash,” Porter answered, before she could get a word in edge-wise.

 
  “Perfect,” the receptionist beamed a smile right at Porter.  Ella noticed that the woman’s eyes did a poor job of remaining on Porter’s face, as she watched her rake her gaze over the same muscles Ella had admired right outside the building.  Before she knew what was happening, Ella’s hand threaded itself through the crook in Porter’s arm, staking claim.  Porter didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary, but Ella saw the receptionist’s eyes fall on her hand laying gently on his forearm.  More than ever, at that moment, Ella wanted a ring on Porter’s finger, just to send a message that he was most definitely taken.

 
  “Just bring me the forms when you are done filling them out and the doctor will be out to greet you in a few minutes.”

 
  “Thanks,” Porter said, without giving her another look.  Ella simply nodded at the woman as she turned to sit and fill out her form.

 
  After all the forms were complete, a door in the office opened up and a woman who looked to be about forty stepped into the waiting room, just far enough to peek around the corner at them.

 
   “Ella Sinclair?”  Ella and Porter stood and he took her hand in his again, threading their fingers together. 

 
  “Good afternoon, I am Dr. Evans.  Please, follow me.”  They trailed behind the doctor as she led them through the office and to a door with her name engraved on the front.  She opened the door and motioned for them to go in ahead of her.  “Please, take a seat and make yourselves comfortable.”

 
  They both sat in arm chairs that were opposite Dr. Evans’ desk, and even though Ella knew there wasn’t anything to be nervous about, she was anything but comfortable.  The doctor took a seat behind her desk and shuffled some paperwork around making neat piles.  She had shoulder-length brown hair that was so straight Ella wondered if it was made to be so.  Her eyes were dark and hidden behind large framed glasses.  She wasn’t wearing any jewelry apart from a thin wedding band.  Her face was friendly and when she finally looked up at Ella and Porter, she gave them a reassuring smile.

 
  “Ella, my receptionist noted that you were referred from Dr. Andrews at OHSU.  He is a colleague and good friend of mine for many years.  I had him fax over your medical file.  However, I have no information on you, Sir,” she said looking at Porter.

 
  “My name is Porter Masters and I am Ella’s boyfriend.  Medically, there is nothing really to know about me.”

 
  “Ok, nice to meet both of you,” she said, all business.  She brought out an iPad from a drawer in her desk and then looked Ella in the eyes.  “Ella, why don’t you tell me why you’re here.”

 
  “Well, the last couple of months I’ve been put in a lot of unusually stressful situations and it seems I am having some problems dealing with the stress of it all.”

 
  “I saw in your file that you were involved in a shooting, and then suffered from retro-grade amnesia which eventually went away and your memory then returned.”

 
  “Yes, when the memories returned is when the panic and anxiety started,” Ella said, exhaling a deep breath.  Porter reached over and laid a hand on Ella’s thigh, giving her a gentle squeeze.  She placed her hand over his and clasped her fingers around his hand, willing him to keep his there.

 
  “Tell me about the attacks,” the doctor urged her.

 
  “Well, the first one came outside of my store where I was shot.  It was the first time I had been there since my memory came back and it kind of came out of nowhere.  We pulled up to the store and as soon as I saw it, my heart started beating really fast and I felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs.  I was shaking and trembling,” Ella’s voice petered off and she swallowed hard.  Remembering the attack was almost as bad as living through it.  She took a deep breath and looked up at Dr. Evans.  “I had never experienced something like that before and I was scared.”

 
  “She had another attack that same night at her apartment,” Porter added.

 
  “Did something traumatic happen at the apartment as well?”  Dr. Evans asked.

 
  “I was attacked there by my ex-boyfriend and nearly raped,” Ella whispered.  She felt Porter’s hand tighten around hers and she noticed him clenching his other fist in his lap.

 
  “Are you having any trouble sleeping?”

 
  Ella thought about the question and then began to blush.

 
  “Um, no.  Not since…”  Ella brought her hand to her brow and tried to hide her eyes from the doctor.

 
  “Ella, if there is any place you need to feel comfortable, this is the place.  I will not judge anything you say here.  Would you like Porter to leave?  Are you afraid to be honest around him?”

 
  “No!”  Ella almost yelled.  “It’s not him, actually, it’s me.  I just feel silly.”

 
  “Ok, well, just be honest.  I need to know everything if I’m going to be able to help you.”

 
  “It’s just that, since the memories have come back, I haven’t spent a night away from Porter,” Ella said, and she could feel the blood rushing to the surface of her face and knew she was blushing horribly.  She also saw Porter smirking.  “I sleep very well when I’m with him.”

 
  “That’s good; anything comforting can be very therapeutic for patients with anxiety.  How long have you two been together?”  Ella and Porter both laughed lightly at the doctor’s question.  Ella knew eventually they’d have to explain their unique situation.

 
  “Porter and I met a week before I lost my memory.  He stayed with me the entire time I was in a coma at the hospital, but things got a little tricky when I woke up and didn’t remember him.”

 
  “I was kept from her by her family, seeing as how they didn’t really know me and she didn’t remember me.  But I constantly sought out updates on her.  Eventually, after two months of not seeing her and her not remembering, I just went after her.  That was about two weeks ago and she just regained her memory a few days ago.”  Ella watched as the doctor tried to compute everything they had just told her.

 
  “So, for Ella, this is a very new relationship, but for you, Porter, it has been going on quite a bit longer.”  Porter shrugged.

 
  “You could say that.”

 
  “Well, what would you say about it?”  The doctor asked.

 
  “I’d say that I’m just as invested today as I was the first week.  Time isn’t really a factor in our relationship because I was in deep from the beginning.”

 
  “So, you would describe your relationship as ‘committed’ then?”

 
  “Irrevocably,” Porter answered without hesitation in his deep raspy voice, making the breath in Ella’s lungs steal away.  Ella was even sure she saw the doctor react in a very female way to that word, spoken in the sexy way that only Porter could ever pull off.

 
  “And you feel the same way, Ella?” Dr. Evans asked her.

 
  “There’s no one else in the world for me.  Porter is it.”  The doctor took a pause and scribbled some things on her iPad, then looked up at Ella.

 
  “What you are describing definitely sounds like anxiety attacks,” the doctor said as she laid down her IPad on the desk.  “Anxiety attacks are often a symptom of a bigger issue.  In your case, the anxiety seems to be a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  You will need more sessions to get a formal diagnosis, but in your situation the disorder is very clear.  The anxiety is only exacerbated by the sudden return of your memory.  Although, it wouldn’t be unheard of if someone went through your same situation, never lost their memory, and then developed PTSD.  The fact that your body and mind went through the traumatic event once and then, for all intents and purposes, a second time when the memory of the events returned, only heightens the level of anxiety and the physical symptoms that accompany it.”

 
  Porter rubbed his free hand over stubble-ridden face and had a look of confusion written all over it.  “Any chance you could give that to us again in layman’s terms?”  He asked sheepishly.  The doctor laughed gently at his request.

 
  “Basically, Ella’s body is responding to the stress more than usual simply because of the memories returning.  It would be totally normal for someone to have anxiety after what you went through, but the amnesia adds a new dimension to not only the symptoms, but also the treatment.”

 
  “What is the treatment?’  Porter asked, pulling the question right out of Ella’s mouth.

 
  “Medication and counseling.”

 
  “What kind of medication?”

 
  “A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor like Zoloft or Paxil is usually prescribed.”

 
  “Are there any side effects?”  Ella asked.

 
  “As with any medication, there are side effects.  Dry mouth and nausea being the most common.  There isn’t any chance you could be pregnant?”

 
“No,” Ella answered quickly.

 
  “Good.  Now, Porter,” the doctor said, turning her attention towards him.  “Although I can appreciate the supportive boyfriend role you likely excel at, let’s talk about why you are here and how I can help you.  I imagine watching Ella go through all this, and then being separated from her was very difficult.”

 
  “It wasn’t the best experience I’ve had,” he said as he swiped his hand through his hair, a move that told Ella he was more upset than he was letting on.  The doctor just continued to stare at Porter, waiting for him to elaborate.

 
  “When she woke up and didn’t remember me, it was like someone had taken the one thing I was living for away from me.  And even if I could have functioned normally with just that happening, when they refused to let me see her, or talk to her, it was even worse.”  He paused and looked down at his hand that was still tangled up in hers.  “I had dealt with loss before and had pretty much built a life where I wouldn’t have to deal with it again.  I wasn’t sure I could.  But then Ella came storming into my life and everything I had tried to push away suddenly was everything I wanted.  Desperately.”  He looked over at Ella and she could see every ounce of love he had for her in his eyes.

 
  “I wasn’t prepared to have her taken from me and when she was gone it was like I was lost.”

 
  “Can you explain the loss you mentioned?  What loss had you dealt with?”  Dr. Evans asked.

 
  “My father died suddenly when I was twelve.”

 
  “So, is it safe to assume that when Ella was kept from you, it stirred up past feelings of loss that you had previously associated with your father’s death?”

 
  “I guess.  Although, even though this might sound disrespectful to my father, it was almost worse with Ella.”

 
  “How so?”  The doctor probed.

 
  “Well, when my father died, it was absolute.  He was gone.  It was hard, sad, and difficult, but there was a finality to it.  With Ella, I was literally just dangling off of a cliff, waiting to either plummet to the bottom of the ravine, or for Ella to come and save me.”

 
  It broke Ella’s heart to hear his words.  She never wanted to be the reason he felt anything but love and happiness.  Hearing his heartache brought tears to her eyes.

 
  “There were times I didn’t think I was going to make it through to the next day.  Not because I would have taken my own life – I never would have left Ella like that, amnesia or not.  I just really felt like the sadness would take me.  I didn’t know if it was possible to die from sadness, but I was sure I was going to find out eventually.”  Ella couldn’t control the sob that escaped her and hadn’t known it was coming until it had already leaked out.  She quickly brought a hand to her mouth the stifle any rogue sobs that fought to get out.  Porter leaned towards Ella and reached up with his hands to bring her face closer to his.

 
  “Don’t you cry, Ella, don’t.  I’d do it all again if it brought you back to me.  I’m not the victim here, you are.  I just need you to stay strong for me, Baby.”