Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (12 page)

“Messiness? I can take messy; I can't take him keeping things from me.” The tears started again.

“Have your feelings for him gone away? Did any of this change that?” His expression softened.

“I don’t know what to feel right now, Smith. I need to get back to normal for a while. Not in the crazy dream of a life Logan thinks is possible.” I shook my head sadly. My heart was breaking.

“How did you know where I was?” I sniffled.

“Your sister.” He smiled sheepishly.

“Figures,” I said derisively.

“Promise me something?” He took my hand in his.

“Okay.” I was wary of him and what he was going to ask me.

“Think this all over. Give yourself time to be pissed off. I’m not saying it’s not warranted, it fully is. Just know that he’s only human. You can’t hate him for his past. He can’t change it, only move forward. Logan’s crazy about you, Grace. I’ve never seen him this way, ever.”

“I can one hundred percent promise that I will be doing nothing but thinking about this for the foreseeable future,” I said wryly.

“He’s not as tough as he seems. Think about that.” He dropped a kiss on my cheek and left me alone with my thoughts.

My flight was called a little while later, and I filed on to the plane with the rest of the people who had been milling around. I got lucky and had a whole row to myself.

As the plane took off, I leaned my cheek against the cool glass of the window and cried. I felt like a part of me had died. I guess that was true, part of me had died, the part of me that believed in happy endings and men who sweep you off your feet. The day had taken its toll; I fell asleep about ten minutes after takeoff.

My eyes were red rimmed and puffy when Faith picked me up at the curb.

“How are you holding up?” She hugged me tight.

“Numb. I don’t know.” I turned my face away, so she couldn’t see how sad I really was.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” I climbed into the car and stared out the window as she drove. I didn’t want to talk about it, or even think about it.

“Grace.” Faith’s voice was soft.

“I should never have gone to New York,” I whispered.

“Don’t say that. You made the right choice in going.”

“Did I? If I had never gone, I wouldn’t be feeling this. I could still be blissfully ignorant and living a somewhat happy life.”

“No, you wouldn’t. There was no way you could have been happy without going. You had to know if what you felt was real. It was and is real.” She stole a quick look in my direction.

“Are you on his side, too?” I snapped. Smith’s words still lingered.

“No, I’m always going to be on your side. But you can't deny your feelings, no matter how mad you are right now. Do you honestly think it’s over?” Her hand found mine on the seat next to me, giving me the reassuring connection of someone who loved me.

“Right now, at this very moment, yes. I can’t get past the lies, Faith. I just can’t. How can I give my heart to someone who won’t trust me with theirs?” Tears slipped down my cheeks. “I can't be the only one who is vulnerable.”

“Okay. I won’t say anything more about it until you’re ready to talk about it.” She patted my knee as she drove. “I just want you happy. Seeing you like this hurts my heart.”

“I could feel myself falling for him,” I whispered. “It would have been so easy, too. He always says the right things, except when he doesn’t.”

“Don’t give up yet, honey.”

“I don’t want to. But I don't want to feel like this all the time either.”

We drove the rest of the way in silence. I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I wanted to sleep for a year and pretend this was all a dream. I stared out the window at the dark streets as they whizzed by. This was home, my home, but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like my home, but my heart was back in New York with the man who had laid me bare with his lies.

Faith got me settled in my room and left me alone for a while. I could hear her on the phone in the other room. I sat up when I heard my name mentioned.

“She’s home.” She paused for a moment. “Well, you fucked up big time. Did you think she was going to stay after that?” Another long pause. “Figure your shit out before you even think of coming here.”

I shoved the covers away impatiently and went to stand by the door so I could hear better. I knew it was Logan on the phone, and all of me wanted to know how he was feeling, if he was as broken and hollow as I was inside. God, I hated myself for missing him already.

I heard her throw the phone on the counter, and I stepped out into the hall.

“Was that him?” I knew it was, but I wanted her to tell me it was someone else instead.

“Yeah.” She looked anxious and wandered into the living room.

“What did he say?” I followed her out.

“He mostly wanted to know how you were. Look, we don’t need to talk about this.”

“How did he sound?” I wrapped my arms around my body, afraid of the answer.

“Bad, honey. He sounded really bad.” Faith sat on the couch.

That should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I didn’t want him to be miserable any more than I wanted to be.

“Why is this so hard?” The tears started again. “I really thought it would be easier. I made the choice to leave. I don’t want to care about how he’s feeling, but I can’t seem to stop myself.” I flopped down next to her.

“Love is never easy, honey.” Faith put her arms around me.

“Why the hell not? It should be easy. It should be the easiest fucking thing in the world. I like him, he likes me; it should work.”

“Give it some time. It might work out still,” she said in soothing tones.

“Do you really believe that? Or are you just telling me what you think will make me feel better?”

“I want to believe it. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it’s you.”

“Why do I deserve it?” I was feeling like a petulant child and knew full well I sounded like it.

“Stop it.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“I can't seem to help it at the moment. I feel bitchy about love. I’m so disappointed and my heart hurts. If you will excuse me, I’m going to go sleep until next week.”

“What about work?”

“Screw work. I’m the boss, and I can go in whenever I want. They will have to do without me for a few more days.” I stomped off to my room and slammed the door behind me.

The tears wouldn’t stop, I had opened the floodgates and now there was no sign of them slowing. I was angry and sad all wrapped up into one.

After I stripped off my clothes and put on my favorite pair of jammies, I crawled into bed and tried to block out the voices screaming in my head.

HOW COULD I HAVE SCREWED
things up so royally? Grace. I had lost her. It was my own fucking fault she was gone.

Smith walked in the front door two hours too late. I had trashed the place. Chairs turned over, one set of curtains torn completely down, the other in tatters but still on the rod. Couch cushions were strewn around the floor between kicked over boxes and clothes that littered the floor.

“Looks like you’ve been busy.” He whistled.

“Where the hell have you been? I called you over two hours ago,” I barked.

“I had to make a stop. And life does not revolve around you, even though you think it does. I’m not an employee, I’m your best fucking friend.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just going out of my mind with all of this. I don’t know what to do.” I paced around like a caged animal.

“You fix it. That’s what you do,” he said calmly.

“How?” I sat in the ruins of a chair.

“Undo the mess you made. Whatever she wants, you give it to her.”

“She wants Annabelle. I couldn’t tell her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

“Shit.” He sank into a chair next to me.

“How can I tell her that? How can I do it?” My panic was rising steadily.

“We’ll sort this out,” he said. His tone was supposed to be reassuring, but it wasn’t.

“How? How are we going to sort this out? There isn't a way that I can see for me to tell her.”

“I think you need to get your ass to Chicago like you planned and win her back. Figure it out as you go. I know this isn’t just your secret. There are things you just can’t tell her. You need to get over there and see her. She’s going to have her sisters over there chirping in her ear about how you aren’t worth it.”

“Faith is on my side to some extent,” I sighed.

“How do you know?” he asked.

“I called and she picked up. She’s worried about Grace, but she can see how I feel for her. I think she’ll be an ally and not an enemy.”

He nodded. “I took the liberty of having the jet fueled up and on standby. So get your ass to Chicago and make this work. She’s it for you, man. She’s the one.”

I took stock of my ruined apartment and clothes I was currently wearing.

“Seriously, just go. Leave this mess to the movers.”

Without thinking further, I grabbed a coat and walked to the door. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Anytime.”

When I reached the street, the car was already waiting. Smith had planned this out well for me.

I couldn't think about anything but Grace. The look on her face when she saw Fiona. How hurt she was when she left. I couldn’t be the one to break her.

All of my money, and I couldn’t get to her any quicker. Sitting in the car was killing me, not being next to her. I should never have let her leave.

I got on the plane in a daze. I barely spoke a word to anyone. My regular flight attendant, Sarah, hovered around me nervously. She wasn't used to this from me.

“Can I get you anything?” she asked for the fifth time.

“No, thank you, though.” I smiled weakly and scrolled through the pictures on my phone. I had a few of Grace sleeping, and one of us smashed together to fit into the frame. My heart ached, and I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t lose her.

As soon as the wheels touched down, I was out of my seat and waiting to be let out. True to his word, Smith had arranged everything ahead of time. There was a car waiting for me on the tarmac. I gave the driver Grace’s address and watched as the world slipped by in a blur.

What was I going to say to her? She had made it pretty clear that she didn’t want any secrets between us. I couldn’t take no for an answer.

Optimistically, I told the driver to leave when I exited in front of Grace’s building. Each step felt like climbing a mountain. My nerves were getting the best of me. I didn't do nervous, and I never did regret. This was a whole new me.

I probably stood in front of the door for five minutes before I got up the courage to knock. Of course, it was Faith who answered, and she didn't look at all happy to see me.

“What the hell, Logan? I was pretty clear that you needed to figure your shit out before you came here, right? It’s been like two hours, there’s no therapist alive who could cure you that fast.” She eyed me.

“I want to see her.” Even to me that sounded lame.

“It’s nice to want things. Try harder.”

“I need her, Faith. Don't you get that? I fucking need her in my life. I can't be without her,” I screamed. “Is that what you wanted?”

“Better. But I don’t know that she wants to see you. Besides, she’s sleeping.”

“No, I’m not,” a small voice said from somewhere behind Faith. “Let him in.”

Faith glared at me before standing aside to let me in. My heart fell when I saw Grace. She looked broken, defeated. Her eyes were red and puffy.

“Can we talk?” I asked gently.

“I guess.” She turned and shuffled back in the direction she had come from. I followed her.

She sat on her bed and hugged a pillow to her chest, unwilling to meet my eyes.

“God, I’m so sorry I did this to you, Kitten.” I sat next to her and went to pull her into my arms, but she resisted.

“No, no. I can’t let you hug me right now. I want so badly to jump into your arms and bury myself in your scent. I have to protect myself.” The pillow was her life raft, like if she let it go she would drown in her own sadness.

“I never meant to hurt you. This is killing me to see you in pain like this.” I sat on my hands to keep myself from reaching for her again.

A tear slid down her cheek. “This is killing you? How do you think I’m feeling? I wish I had never come to find you.” She shook her head.

“No, you don’t.”

“To not feel this way, you bet your ass I do. This fucking sucks, Logan. I was okay before you. I could have kept being okay.” The words came out in a choked sob.

“No. You were living a half-life, just like I was. We can fix this.”

“How do you think we can fix this? Are you going to give me the answers I want?”

“I can’t promise you that. I want to, but I can’t.” My grip on sanity was slipping.

“Why did you even come here then?” She sounded tired. We were talking in circles.

“I need you.”

“Go to hell, Logan. If you really needed me, you would never have let me leave New York.” She got up and stalked around the room.

“I never should have let you leave.”

“I feel like you say that a lot, and you never really mean it.”

When did she get so cold? She was so angry, and I didn't know how to make this better.

“Grace, Kitten. Please just listen to me.” I got up and held her shoulders to keep her still.

“Fine. Talk then.”

I didn’t let her go. “I can’t be without you. okay? Do you understand that? I fucking can't. Something died in me when you walked out my door. I’m not going to promise I won’t screw up again, because I know myself well enough to know that I will. But I need this to work. I need you.” I loosened my grip long enough to grab her waist and pull her against me. My lips were on hers before she could protest. There was nothing sweet about this kiss. Her arms wound around me and pulled me closer for a moment before shoving me away.

“No.” She stepped back. “I’m not doing this.”

“Tell me what you need.”

“Annabelle.”

I sighed and walked to the bed again, letting myself sink down before answering. “Annabelle isn’t someone you need to worry about, and it’s not only my secret to keep.”

“What does that even mean? And why does Fiona know about it?”

“You’re going to have to trust me a little bit.”

“I’m trying to, but you’ve made it kind of hard. This has been a shitty day.” She slid her back along the door and sank to the floor.

“I’m so sorry I put you through all of this.”

“Will you ever be able to tell me all of your secrets?”

“I want to tell you everything now, but some things are not mine to tell.” I hoped the sincerity I felt was conveyed well enough.

“What now?” she asked.

“I’m here, Grace. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Here, as in Chicago, or metaphorically?”

“Both? My stuff will be here sometime in the next couple of days. I’m moving here. I refuse to give up on this. Please tell me you feel the same way?”

“I do, or I want to. I’m scared.”

“Of me?”

She nodded. “You terrify me. My heart is already bashed up, and we’ve barely begun whatever this is. I don’t know if being with you is the smart choice.”

“Screw smart.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“I’m scared, too. This is uncharted waters for me. I have never been in a relationship with anyone other than Fiona, and we both know that wasn’t a healthy one. I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I can’t watch you walk away from me again.”

“I want to believe you. Everything in me is screaming to hug you and never let go.”

I got up and stood in front of her. “I’m right here, Kitten. Right here.” I held out a hand, praying that she would hold it.

DAMN HIM. HE HAD TO
show up and look way too hot when I’m covered in tears and snot and in my rattiest pajamas. Did I want to forgive him? Did I have it in me to see this through?

He stood in front of me, asking me to trust him, holding his hand out for me to hold. Could I take it? Take what he was offering me?

“Kitten,” he choked out. He was begging me, he had laid it all out.

I stopped thinking and reached out, our hands almost touching. That was all the encouragement he needed.

In a split second, I was in his arms. His scent surrounded me like a cloud. I couldn’t think, all I could do was feel.

“Are you sure about this?” His voice was hoarse.

I nodded, incapable of speech.

“Come with me tonight?” he murmured into my hair.

“Where? Don't you want to stay here?”

“Grace. I’ve just flown in a rush to see you and make this right. I don’t think I want to spend the rest of the night making amends with your sister right down the hall.”

The look on his face was so pure Logan. Like he just couldn’t believe I would ask the question.

“Give me a minute.” I slipped out of the room to find Faith.

She was in her room reading. “So?” She arched a brow.

“He’s forgiven, for now.”

“For now?”

“I’m not sure about all of it. I still don’t know any more than I did when I left. Nothing has changed.” I was bordering on panicking. Just the nearness of him made me rethink why I left to begin with.

“Honey, let me take you to school for a minute.” She patted the bed for me to sit. “You can't keep this up.”

“What?”

“Leaving. Logan’s a grown man; he’s bound to have amassed a few skeletons in his closet. You have your own secrets, too. He’s going to get tired of chasing you.”

“So, what? I have to just blindly forgive?”