No Matter What (119 page)

Just the thought of JJ made her smile.
 
He’d be here any second and just thinking about that made her stomach flip over.
 
They hadn’t seen each other for a while due to his filming commitments on a new movie and her workload, so this was a kind of reunion for them.
 
One she hoped would play out just the way she wanted it to.

She wandered into the bedroom, wondering if she had time for a quick shower before he got there.
 
Deciding that she did, she switched the shower on, quickly stripping off and stepping underneath the warm jets of water, letting them wash over her, closing her eyes as she tried to banish Michael from her thoughts and concentrate on JJ.
 

Turning the water off she wrapped a huge fluffy white towel around her wet body and went over to the mirror, combing through her damp hair.
 
She didn’t look bad for thirty-nine.
 
She didn’t look bad at all.
 
Even without make-up she still looked younger than she was, and she was sure she had Reece’s fabulous genes to thank for that.
 
He was now sixty-one years old but looked a good decade younger than that.
 
Her wonderful father.
 
She loved him more than she could ever explain to anybody, but especially to him.
 
She just hoped that he knew how grateful she really was.
 
For everything, because he’d given her so much more than this incredible life she now had.
 
So much more.
 

She walked back into the bedroom, rifling through her bag for her moisturising lotion, rubbing it gently into her arms.

“Do you need some help with that?”

She turned round and there he was.
 
Her beautiful boyfriend, leaning against the door frame, arms folded, his eyes taking in every inch of her and she felt that warm and wonderful shiver course right through her body.

“You must have known I was coming,” he smiled, walking over to her, not taking his eyes off her.
 
She stood completely still, waiting until he was right beside her.
 

“Well, I was hoping you would be.
 
At some point.”

He smiled again, putting a hand to her face and bringing his mouth down to touch hers gently, so gently it almost just brushed over her lips.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he whispered, pulling her closer.

“Yeah ... I’ve kinda missed you too,” she said, just wanting to look at him and remember how beautiful he really was.

“You have?”

She smiled.
 
“I have.”

He lowered his mouth down onto hers again in a harder, longer kiss and she fell against him, clinging onto his shirt as he kissed her.
 
She felt dizzy but so happy he was finally here.
 
All thoughts of Michael and the fact he was right here in this hotel just faded away as the man she really cared about held her close.
 
He could have her head spinning and her stomach flipping with just one touch, like he was doing now as his fingers stroked her damp, naked skin, and she wanted him to make love to her so much she physically ached for him.
 
This time apart had been the longest separation they’d had since they’d become a couple and she hadn’t realised just how much she’d really missed him, until now.
 

They didn’t live together;
India
loved her independence far too much to give that up again so soon, but they saw each other whenever they could, spending nights at each other’s places when time allowed but it had never been more than one night at a time, up until now.
 
Maybe this trip to Vegas would change that.

The sex was fast and hard, over with quickly but just what both of them had needed.
 
With JJ it could be anything she wanted it to be.
 
It could be wild and fast or slow and beautiful, whatever
India
wanted she got, he was that perfect, and she was beginning to realise that she didn’t want to let him go.
 
Maybe she
never
wanted to let him go.
 
But never was such a definitive word when used in those terms, and there
had
been a time when she’d thought she’d never wanted to let Michael go, and yet she’d let him go so easily.
 
Or maybe not as easily as she’d first thought.

“Did you know Michael was here?”
 
JJ asked, coming into the kitchen after his shower.

India
was sitting at the breakfast bar, flicking through a magazine.
 
“Yes.
 
I did.”
 
She looked up at JJ.
 
“Vince told me a couple of hours ago.”

“Have you seen him?”

She looked back down at the magazine, continuing to flick through it.
 
“No. And I don’t intend to.”

“Is that going to be possible?
 
I mean, he’s here for the baby too, isn’t he?”

She looked up at him again.
 
“Is this going anywhere, Joe?
 
Because I really don’t want to talk about it.”

He sat down opposite her.
 
“Do you love me,
India
?”

Where the hell had
that
come from?
 
India
had no idea what had made him ask that now.
 
She closed the magazine and looked at him.
 
“What do you want me to say to that?”

“I want to know how you feel about me.”

He wouldn’t take his eyes off hers and she felt like she’d almost
 
been backed into a corner.

“You know how I feel about you, Joe.”

He shook his head.
 
“No, you see, I don’t.
 
I know that you like to be with me, and I know that we have the greatest sex but it’s been almost six months now.
 
Six months,
India
.”

She couldn’t say anything for a few seconds.
 
This had taken her so much by surprise that she couldn’t get her head around it.
 
With Kenny, with Michael - especially with Michael - she’d rushed into saying ‘I love you’ and she hadn’t wanted to do that again.
 
Not until she was really sure how she felt.
 
But how
did
she feel?
 
Because she wasn’t sure she knew.

“I care about you, Joe.
 
I really do ...”

He stood up, pushing a hand through his hair, turning away from her for a second before spinning back round to look at her.

“I’m falling in love with you,
India
, do you know that?
 
I’m falling head over heels, crazy, stupid in love with you and I need to know what you’re feeling too or ... Jesus, I don’t know.”

“Or what?
 
Is this some kind of ultimatum, Joe?
 
Tell you I love you or you’re walking away?”

“If you like.”
 
He sat back down, putting his head in his hands.
 
“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed, looking at her.
 
“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You know how hard it’s been for me, how difficult it’s been for me to get involved with someone again after Michael ...”

JJ stood up again, almost kicking the stool in frustration.
 
“And that’s where we have the problem, isn’t it?
 
Michael.
 
Do you still have feelings for him?
 
Do you still love him?
 
Is that it?”

That question almost floored her.
 
No-one had ever asked her that before, so she’d never had to answer it.
 
Even though she knew what that answer would be.
 
She looked back down at the magazine, not wanting to meet JJ’s eyes.

“No.
 
I don’t have feelings for him and I don’t love him.
 
Not anymore.”
 
Was that true?
 
Was that really true?
 
“But I did.
 
I loved him like I’d never loved anyone before and getting over that took me a long time.
 
I couldn’t just switch them off, those feelings I had for him … not just like that.”
 
She finally looked up at JJ.
 
“But then
you
came along, Joe.
 
You
came along.”

“But you don’t love me.”
 
His voice was quiet, resigned almost.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what
are
you saying,
India
?”

“I’m saying … please don’t push me into a corner.
 
Don’t do that to me.”

He looked at her as she got up and leaned back against the counter, folding her arms.

“I love you,
India
.
 
There, I’ve said it, I love you.
 
I want a future with you and I’m not telling you this to back you into a corner or to make you unhappy but, I need to know how you really feel.
 
For both of us, baby.
 
I need to know how you feel.
 
I need to know.”

“Joe ...”

But he’d gone.
 
He was out the door, leaving her alone to think about everything he’d just said.
 
And everything she’d just felt.

She threw her head back, closing her eyes, sighing heavily.
 
Did she need all of this right now?
 
Her ex-husband practically under the same roof and now her boyfriend going all “
let’s talk about our feelings
” on her?

She opened the fridge and took out a bottle of white wine, opening it and pouring herself a glass, the immediate hit of the alcohol warming her throat, instantly making her more relaxed.
 
Sort of.

How
did
she really feel about JJ?
 
Because the thought that she might lose him over this had suddenly made her feel slightly sick.
 
Why was she so scared of saying the words?
 
Why did the thought of opening up to someone so completely again make her so nervous?
 

The sound of the door intercom buzzing brought
India
back to reality and she went over to it, pressing it.

“
India
, it’s Charley.
 
I’m on my way up.”

Charley couldn’t have timed it better.
 
She could really do with the company right now and she smiled as her best friend came waddling in, nine months pregnant but looking amazing.

“I’ve just seen JJ,” Charley said, kissing
India
quickly and sitting down straightaway.
 
“Is everything ok?”

“He’s just told me he’s in love with me.”

Charley looked at her, stroking her bump.
 
“And you didn’t reciprocate, I take it?”

India
shook her head.

“That explains the wine then.
 
And I take it you already know about Michael?
 
Vince said he’d told you.”

India
nodded, sitting down opposite Charley, knocking back the rest of her wine.

“Do you want to know how he is?” Charley asked.

“Not particularly.”

“
India
...”

“No, Charley.
 
I’m not talking about him, ok?”
 
She got up to refill her glass and get Charley some juice.
 
“It’s been nearly four years.
 
Can everyone please stop bugging me about this?”

“I’m your friend,
India
.
 
I’ll never stop bugging you about it.”

India
handed her a glass of pineapple juice and sat back down opposite her, taking a sip of wine.

“Anyway ...” Charley decided to change the subject.
 
It seemed the safer option.
 
“JJ.
 
What’re you going to do about him?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you feel about him?”

India
sighed, sitting back and swinging her feet up onto the table in front of her.
 
“I’m scared, Charley.
 
I’m scared of saying those words, of committing myself again.
 
After Michael ...” She paused for a second, looking out of the window. “... after Michael I vowed that I would never, ever let myself fall in love like that again.
 
Never.”
 
She looked at Charley.
 
“But I’m scared of losing Joe.
 
I’m really scared of losing him, Charley.”