No Matter What (116 page)

“
India
, I love looking after him, ok?
 
I love that little guy.”

She looked around for Reece.
 
“Where’s dad gone?”

“He’s just nipped out to get something for lunch.
 
Listen
,
India
...”

She knew what he was going to say and she sat down on the sofa, pulling her knees up to her chest.
 
“You’ve heard then?”

He nodded, standing up in front of the fireplace, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m sorry, Kenny.
 
I’m sorry for not telling anyone before but, look, it was just something we both decided on, ok?
 
It was for the best.
 
We wanted to keep it quiet for the first few weeks.”

“I already knew before yesterday,
India
.”

She looked at him, her eyes widening.
 
“How?
 
Did Ethan ...?”

“Give the kid his due; he didn’t let the cat out of the bag until yesterday afternoon.
 
I already had a feeling before that, he just confirmed it.
 
The way you were acting, your whole demeanour over these past few weeks made it obvious to me.”

She looked out of the window.
 
“I need him, Kenny.”

“And you don’t need
me
anymore, is that it?”
 
It wasn’t really a question, but she looked back at him.

“Don’t say that, Kenny.
 
Of course I need you, I’ll always need you.”

“Why him,
India
?
 
Why JJ Foster?”

“Oh come on, Kenny, you know I can’t answer that.”

“Do you love him?”

“Don’t be stupid.
 
No!
 
Of course not.
 
I’ve only known him a couple of months.”

“Just sex then?”

She got up, walking over to the window, turning round to look at him.
 
“What the hell is wrong with you?
 
Why are you acting like this?
 
I thought you wanted me to be happy?”

“I do, you know I do ... so, are you sleeping with him?”

She stared at him.
 
“What do
you
think?”

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, he just looked at her.
 
He missed her so much, so fucking much.
 
How could he be so close to her and still miss her?

“I need it, Kenny, I need
him
.”

“Couldn’t you get that from
me,
India
?
 
If you’re only with him for sex then why couldn’t you get that from
me
?”

“I’m not just with him for sex, Kenny; I didn’t mean that, I ... he’s different.
 
He isn’t part of this crazy, complicated world of mine, he’s someone new, someone who ... someone who’s making me feel like I can move forward.
 
Do you understand?”

Kenny turned away, sitting down on the arm of the sofa.
 
“Not really, no.”

She sighed, leaning back against the wall.
 
“I didn’t look for this, Kenny.
 
I didn’t even mean for it to happen, we were just friends but, things changed.
 
Something happened and things changed.”

Kenny stood up again, looking at her.
 
“I’d give my life up for you, do you know that?”

What could she say to that?
 
What could she possibly say?
 
She knew how Kenny felt but was she supposed to pretend to feel the same way just to keep him happy?

She walked over to him, standing up on tip-toes to kiss him quickly.

“I love you so much, Kenny.
 
You know I do.”

“But not like that, huh?”

She looked at him for a second.
 
“I want to make a go of it with Joe, I really do, and it would mean a lot to me if you tried to support me, Kenny.
 
You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I need that from you.”

He suddenly noticed her wrist and the two small
JJ
’s on the inside of it.
 
He took her hand and looked closer.
 
“Is that a tattoo?”

She nodded, pulling her hand away.

“And you say you’re not in love with him?”

“I’m not.”

“But you got his name tattooed on your wrist?
 
His name,
India
, you got his name tattooed on your fucking wrist!”

“I’m well aware of that, Kenny.
 
Jesus, and to think I was actually worried about
Michael’s
reaction to this,
you
were never a concern.”

“That’s becoming evident.”

“Oh for Christ’s’ sake, Kenny, I didn’t mean it like that.
 
Grow up!”

“
Me
grow up?
 
I’m not the one who’s getting names of people I’ve only known for five minutes tattooed on my body.”

She was getting fed up now, fed up of his attitude.
 
He had no right to stand there and dictate anything to her.
 
No right at all.

“Do you know what, Kenny; if you’re going to be like this you might as well leave.”

“Be like what?”

She looked at him.
 
“Accept that I’m with JJ because it’s happening.
 
So you need to deal with that.”

He pushed a hand through his hair and sat down on the arm of the sofa again. “Ok.
 
Ok, I’m sorry.
 
I’m sorry.”

She started to walk out of the room, into the kitchen, and he got up straightaway, following her.

“
India
, I said I’m sorry.”

“I know, I heard.”

She started rattling about in cupboards, looking for nothing in particular, she just wanted a distraction.

“Why are you worried about Michael’s reaction anyway?” Kenny asked, sitting down on one of the stools by the breakfast bar.

She didn’t look at him, just carried on with what she was doing.
 
“I’m not.”

“You said you were.”

She finally looked at him, really beginning to tire of this line of conversation now.
 
 
“I didn’t mean worried as such, Kenny.”

“You don’t mean a lot of things today, do you?”

She gave him a look and turned away, filling up the kettle.

“Are you ever going to speak to him again?”

“Who?”

“You
know
who.”

She flicked the switch down on the kettle and turned round, leaning back against the counter, folding her arms.

“I’m not getting into this, Kenny.
 
It’s been like twenty bloody questions ever since you walked through the door and I’m tired.
 
But no, I’m not going to speak to him again, not if I can help it.”

“Not even for Ethan?”

She gave a cynical laugh, looking down at the ground.
 
“Don’t even go there. What happened between his dad and me is something he’ll never need to know about. And that goes for everyone else too.”

“So, that’s it?
 
You’re gonna spend the rest of your life never speaking to him, never seeing him, and you think that’ll work?
 
You think Ethan’s going to accept that when he’s older, do you?”

She looked at him, narrowing her eyes.
 
“This really has got nothing to do with you, Kenny, so leave it.”

“What did he do,
India
?
 
What did he do to you?”

“I said leave it, Kenny.”
 
She turned away from him, getting cups out of the cupboard, just wanting to be left alone now.
 
What was with him, coming in here and interrogating her?
 
She was tired, and she wanted to be on her own.
 
Well, maybe not entirely on her own.
 
She wanted JJ.

“What did he do to you,
India
?
 
Come on, just tell me, what did he do?”

She slammed the cupboard door shut and swung round to look at him.
 
“Just go, Kenny.
 
Please.
 
Just go.”

He stayed exactly where he was, not taking his eyes off her.
 
He was breaking her down, bit by bit, he could feel it.

“Tell me,
India
.
 
What did he do to you?”

She felt tears start to stream down her face and she just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.
 
She didn’t want this.
 
She didn’t want to have to re-live this again.

“What did he do, baby?
 
Come on, what did he do?”

“He raped me, ok?
 
Are you happy now?
 
He raped me!”

Kenny felt like he’d been slapped in the face.
 
“Oh, Jesus fucking Christ,
India
.
 
No.”
 
He got up and went over to her, trying to pull her into his arms but she pushed him away.
 
“
India
, I’m sorry.
 
I’m so sorry ... how the hell ...”

“You tell nobody, Kenny.
 
Ok?
 
Nobody.
 
For the sake of that little boy up there you tell nobody.
 
He needs his daddy.
 
He
needs him.”

“I’ll fucking kill him, I will, I’ll kill him!”

“No!
 
You’ll go nowhere near him, do you hear me?
 
And do you see why I kept it to myself now?
 
That’s why I never told you; because I knew you’d do this, and keep your voice down, you’ll wake Ethan.”

Kenny paced the floor, pushing a hand through his hair.
 
“You can’t just let him get away with it,
India
.
 
Come on!
 
You said he raped you, that isn’t right.
 
That’s not right.”

“No, Kenny.
 
It was three and a half years ago.
 
It was something I tried hard to forget and I’m finally starting to get there, and for the sake of my baby … that’s why I did nothing.
 
Ethan is the most important thing in all of this, not me.
 
I
don’t matter.
 
Michael and I, we pushed ourselves to the limit that night and I’m not making excuses for him, far from it, but it’s over, ok?
 
It happened, but it’s over.
 
And if
I
can deal with it then so can you.”

Kenny leaned back against the breakfast bar, throwing his head back and looking at the ceiling for a few seconds.
 
“You should have told me,
India
.
 
I would have been there for you.”

“I know.”
 
She wiped her eyes, trying hard not to let the tears start falling again.
 
She really didn’t want to have to relive this.
 
She was getting over it; she didn’t want to go back.
 

Kenny was still trying to take it in.
 
What the hell had happened to make him do that to her?
 
“When did it happen?”

She folded her arms defensively against her chest.
 
“The morning after Vince and Charley’s wedding blessing.
 
I told you I found the pictures of me and you he’d had taken, I told you all of that about him having us followed and the DNA test and ... well, everything just got out of hand when I confronted him.”

He kept looking at her as she stared at the ground.
 
“What happened,
India
?”

She said nothing for a few seconds.

“
India
?
 
Please, come on.
 
Tell me what happened.”

“He just didn’t want to let me go, Kenny.
 
He didn’t want to let me go.”

“So he raped you?”

She pushed a hand through her hair and looked up at him.
 
“It was a horrible situation; things were pushed too far ...”

“That’s no excuse,
India
.”

“I know.”
 
Her voice was slightly raised, and she could feel herself getting stressed out, something she hadn’t wanted to happen.
 
She took a deep breath and leaned back against the counter, folding her arms again.
 
“I know.”