No Matter What (137 page)

“In Vegas.
 
When you went to see Charley and Vince, when Lily was born.”

“You were there?
 
And you didn’t
tell
me?”

“If I’d told you you would’ve stopped me.”

“Of course I would have stopped you, Jesus, what did you do?”

“Not enough, obviously.”

She turned to look at JJ.
 
“Like I said, that’s not helping.
 
What did you do to him, Kenny?”

“I told him what I thought of him, I told him what I should have done to him.”

“Is that it?”
India
asked.
 
“Is that all you did?”

“For fucks sake,” JJ sighed, leaning back against the wall, pushing a hand through his hair.
 
“He raped her and all you do is
tell
him stuff?”

“There was a fight.”
 
Kenny looked at
India
, and she stared back at him.

“A fight?”
 
She didn’t know if this night could get any worse.
 
Kenny should have told her what he’d done; she hadn’t even known he’d been in Vegas.
 
He should have told her.
 
“What kind of a fight, Kenny?”

She felt Joe take her hand and squeeze it and this time she didn’t pull away.

“I threw a few punches.
 
He threw a few back ...”

India
looked up at the ceiling for a second, biting down on her bottom lip to try and stop herself from crying.
 
“Did you hurt him?”

“Are you
defending
him?” JJ asked.

India
looked at him.
 
“No.
 
I am
not
defending him, Joe, but he’s Ethan’s father.
 
I can’t forget what he did to me, but for the sake of my son I’ll do what I have to to make sure that little boy knows nothing about what happened because he loves Michael, and he needs his daddy.
 
He needs him.
 
But seeing him again has brought it all back for me, and I’m going to have to deal with it all over again and that’s hard enough without all of this from you two.
 
I didn’t
want
to see him again, least of all like this, but … but I don’t want him hurt.
 
For Ethan’s sake.”

The tears had started falling again and JJ moved closer, reaching out to her but she backed away towards the door, shaking her head.

“No.
 
I just need some time, ok?
 
I just need some time.”

“And we need to talk about this,
India
; you’re in no state to go anywhere.”

“Leave her, JJ.”

JJ swung round to look at Kenny.
 
“I think it’s time you left, don’t you?”

“Not really, no.
 
This has got as much to do with me as it has you.”

“Oh, you think so do you?
 
Do you want to think again?”

“You’re pushing her too hard.
 
She isn’t ready to talk about it yet.”

“
I’ll
decide whether I’m pushing her too hard, ok?
 
 
This has got fuck all to do with you, she’s
my
wife.”

India
grabbed her bag and opened the door.
 
“I’ve had enough of this.
 
You two can get on with it because, right now, you’re making me crazy.
 
I need some space.”

“
India
...”

“Leave it, Joe!
 
Just, leave it.”

She shut the door behind her, leaning back against it, closing her eyes.
 
She had no idea where she was going she only knew she needed to get away.
 
She needed to clear her head and think about things.
 
She needed to think really hard.
 
And work out just what it was she was going to do next.

CHAPTER 65

  
Michael needed to get out, he needed some air.
 
He felt as though the room was closing in on him, the claustrophobia all encompassing.
 
He’d waited so long for this to happen, to see her again, but none of it was feeling like it was supposed to.
 
Had he thought she was just going to come running straight back into his arms?
 
Had he really spent all these years thinking that’s what was going to happen?
 
That’s what he’d dreamed of, but reality was a whole different ball game.
 
It was cruel and he hated it.

He closed the door of his hotel suite behind him and turned around, pulling his cap down further over his eyes as he got ready to brave the English winter night, but as he looked up he stopped dead in his tracks.
 
And suddenly he didn’t want to go anywhere at all.

***

India
hadn’t realised he could be in the same hotel as her, the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind but it was now blindingly obvious that that’s exactly where he was.
 
For six years she hadn’t seen him at all and yet now, in the space of a few hours, she couldn’t get away from him.
 
It was like some cruel trick, some bad coincidence.
 
But she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
 
She couldn’t break the stare.
 
Six years of missing him, six years of still wanting him, even after everything he’d done, six years of pain and heartache like she’d never felt before – six years of keeping him out of her life because she knew, deep down inside, she knew that everything she was feeling now was going to happen if she saw him.
 
And it
was
happening and it scared her.
 
It scared the hell out of her.

“You look incredible.”

Just hearing his voice brought back a lifetime of memories, tears stinging the back of her eyes.
 
Things she’d tried to forget because to dig them up again was just far too painful.
 
Stupid things, like the time he’d done a voiceover for a big animated film that Ethan had got on DVD because his daddy was the voice of the Tiger, and she hadn’t even been able to sit with him while he’d watched it.
 
She hadn’t been able to sit with her son while he watched a movie because just hearing his daddy’s voice hurt like hell.
 
And it still hurt now.

She kept looking at him, looking into those blue eyes in a face that looked no older, even the beard hadn’t aged him.

“You look different,” she said, her voice almost a whisper.
 

And still she couldn’t stop looking at him; she couldn’t do it, even though every inch of her was screaming to get away from this situation because she wasn’t sure she was ready to handle it just yet.
 
And then, with an involuntary reaction she wasn’t sure her brain had totally sanctioned, she reached out and touched his face, her fingers running over his beard, resting lightly on his mouth, her eyes following every movement, almost as if she was watching someone else do it and she was just the observer.

“We should never have got to this,” she said, her voice still a whisper, the tears building up behind her eyes, making her voice crack slightly.
 
And then it was as if something had snapped her out of a trance and she pulled away, stepping back from him.
 

“
India
...”

“I have to go, I need to go.”
 
And she had to.
 
She really had to get away from him because in the past few hours a barrage of feelings she’d kept locked away were now coursing out of control and she had no way of reigning them in.
 
She needed to think; she needed to not be here right now because being here was dangerous.
 
It had taken so long to get her world back into some kind of order and now he was here and he’d turned it all on it’s head again and she had no idea what to do or how to feel.
 
She should be with JJ.
 
That’s where she should be.

“We need to talk.”

She looked at him again.
 
He’d once been her world.
 
Until he’d destroyed it.

“Talk?
 
You think we need to talk?
 
About what, exactly?”

“Us.”

She shook her head, still looking at him, taking in every inch of his face as his eyes locked onto hers.
 
“There is no ‘us’ Michael.
 
Is there?”

“Please.
 
Just come inside.
 
Out here, we’re only going to draw attention …”

“I’ve got to go, Michael.”
 
She needed to break the stare but she couldn’t, why couldn’t she?
 
She was stronger now, wasn’t she?
 
She could deal with this.
 
So why couldn’t she just turn around and walk away?

He slowly opened the door of his room and stood aside, and like the weak- willed woman she knew she’d become she walked inside, turning around as he closed the door behind them.
 
And that’s when it hit her, when it hit both of them.
 
Like a bolt of lighting that came out of nowhere her whole body felt it, that familiar feeling of desperation, this time mixed with confusion and fear but it was there and it was sapping every ounce of strength away from her.
 
Which he could sense, he could feel it, of course he could.
 
Six years of wanting this woman, six years of hating himself for what he’d done to her, six years of needing her back.
 
Six years of building up to this moment.

It wasn’t a surprise, not really, it had been going to happen from the very second they’d laid eyes on each other, so when he pushed her back against the wall, his fingers closing around hers, she didn’t fight it.
 
She didn’t want to, not this time, but she kept her eyes open, staring right at him, at the man she’d tried so hard never to see again, and that just made him want her more, the intensity building as they began tearing clothes off, desperate to see each other like that again, desperate to touch and feel what had been missing for six years.
 
It was like a bubble had surrounded them and the world had gone away as she finally closed her eyes, waiting, just waiting until his mouth lowered down onto hers in a kiss that made the tears stream down her face because it was wrong, so wrong, but it still felt like heaven.
 
Despite everything he’d ever done to her, even through all that pain and heartache she’d only ever wanted to feel him like this again, to feel his mouth on hers and his fingers on her skin.
 
For six years she’d hated him yet she’d still wanted him inside her and now he was, pushing into her with a force that brought it all back to her all over again but she wanted it this time, she wanted
him.
 
It wasn’t right, it shouldn’t be happening but she knew now that she’d never stopped wanting him.
 
No matter what he’d done she couldn’t stop loving this man.
 
Even though she should.

She opened her eyes again, looking right into his as he pushed harder and deeper, her fingers clinging tightly onto his as they reached that inevitable climax together, and a feeling of what she could only describe as sadness washed over her with a speed that made her start crying, because everything had changed now.
 
Everything was different, and it was the most terrifying feeling imaginable.

“
India
, baby, I’m sorry …”

She pushed him away, pulling herself together as she tried to find something to wipe her eyes with.
 
What the hell had she just done?
 

“That shouldn’t have happened.”

“It was always going to happen,
India
.
 
You and me …”

She looked at him, right into his eyes as she tried to gather any scraps of strength she had left together again.
 
She had to do that.

“Like I said, Michael, there
is
no you and me.”

But, as she closed the door behind her, she knew as well as he did that that just wasn’t true anymore.
 

***

Ray was more tired than he’d thought he was.
 
Getting up out of his chair he rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, walking into the kitchen, putting his empty glass down in the sink.
 
The place was a mess but since his divorce he hadn’t really got the hang of tidying up after himself.
 
He didn’t think it important.
 
He was hardly ever here anyway so what was the point?