No Matter What (135 page)

As she walked away she threw Kenny another look that said “later”, and she could only hope that he’d say nothing to JJ.
 
This really wasn’t the time or the place.

But she couldn’t deny that seeing Michael like that had rattled her.
 
Something had happened the second she’d looked at him and she couldn’t work out what that was or how she was really feeling.
 
And that worried her.

Michael Walsh; the father of her beautiful little boy and a man she’d once loved beyond anything or anybody.
 
A man she’d once loved almost to the point of obsession.
 
But he was a man she hadn’t seen or spoken to in almost six years and seeing him again had shaken her.
 
More than she’d thought it would, because, in the back of her mind, she’d always known this day would come, the day when she saw him again.
 
But the way it had happened, how it had just come out of nowhere, that’s what had shaken her the most.
 
Whether that was because she hadn’t ever wanted to see him again or because she’d only just realised that keeping him at arms length had been a mistake, she didn’t know.
 
And she didn’t really want to find out.

***

Michael had known she was going to be at the studios that evening.
 
He’d overheard people talking about how she and JJ were turning up together, how excited everyone was to have her do this close up and personal interview here in the U.K.
 
But he hadn’t really thought he would see her tonight, he hadn’t planned for it, he hadn’t expected it to happen and he hadn’t realised how much it was going to affect him.
 
He hadn’t realised how much having her look at him after all this time would get to him.

He hadn’t wanted her to find out about him directing the movie in quite the way that she had either.
 
That particular announcement was supposed to have been happening tomorrow – that’s why he’d been at the studios today, recording an interview - but that was out of his hands now.
 
She knew that he was back in her life and, in the long run, that was all he wanted.
 
For now.

Switching on the TV back in his hotel room he tuned in to
India
’s interview, sitting back and watching as his ex-wife spoke frankly and openly about her life, her face showing no signs of the obvious shock she’d experienced not an hour and a half ago.
 
He watched her closely, looking at a face that was still so beautiful, listening as she spoke about their life together, how she’d loved him so much and it broke his heart to hear her use the past tense.
 
She’d
loved
him.
 
He was
still
in love with her.
 
He always had been, and that would never change.

She started talking about Ethan and her face lit up as she spoke about their son.
 
Her eyes shone, her smile was real and Michael felt like crying because even that little boy, that beautiful, perfect little boy hadn’t been enough to keep them together, and it almost killed him when he thought about the life the three of them could have had together if only he hadn’t been so stupid.
 
So jealous and paranoid and unbelievably stupid.
 
But he had to stop dwelling on the past, he couldn’t change that. It was done.
 
Over.
 
He had to concentrate on the future; he had to think about that, about the possibilities that could bring.

He turned up the volume as he got up and poured himself a drink.
 
He could hear her laughing, that still familiar laugh that he’d heard so many times when they’d been together.
 
He’d always been able to make her laugh, always been able to make her smile.
 
Until he’d single-handedly brought all of that to a crashing end.

He knocked back a large shot of whisky and immediately poured himself another one, turning back to look at the TV, and his heart lurched in his chest as he saw JJ sit down next to India, taking her hand.
 
 
It was a small, insignificant gesture in the grand scheme of things but just the way she wrapped her fingers around his, absent-mindedly stroking them with her thumb, it hit Michael like a slap across the face.
 
She was looking at JJ as he talked about how they’d met, how much in love they were, her eyes saying so much as she looked at her new husband and Michael just wanted to look away, he couldn’t bear it.
  
It was the most painful thing he’d ever experienced.
 
And then it happened; they were telling the interviewer how, just a couple of weeks ago, they’d got married in a secret ceremony at their home in Los Angeles and JJ was putting the ring back on her finger and kissing her gently and even though Michael had known it was coming, he’d known they were going to do this tonight, hearing it out loud and seeing the way she looked at JJ as he told everyone India Walsh was his wife, hearing that, seeing it, it made it real.
 
It made that obstacle taller and harder to get over, but not insurmountable.
 
It wasn’t impossible; he had to keep telling himself that.
 
It wasn’t impossible.

She’d loved him once, she’d said so, right there on national TV, she’d said that she’d loved him so, so much, and she could do that again, surely.
 
Couldn’t she?
 
She could love him again.
 
He could change.
 
Whatever it was she needed from him he could give it to her.
 
He’d give her anything, she only had to tell him what to do.
 
Whatever it took he could do it.
 
All he needed to do was make her see that they still belonged together, that was all.
 
She just needed to talk to him, she needed to be with him, she needed to see what they could still have together, and it would take time, he knew that, he wasn’t stupid.
 
Of course it would take time.
 
But they were going to be spending a lot of time together now, weren’t they?
 
A lot of time.
 
And once Ethan got here and saw his mommy and daddy together, surely
then
she’d see?
 
It was that thought that Michael held onto.
 
That hope that he couldn’t let go of.
 
Because hope was all he had left now.

***

Ray hadn’t really wanted to watch the interview but something had made him switch it on, and once
India
had appeared on screen he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was the most compelling, the most captivating woman he’d ever met.
 
Before that night - that incredible, mind-blowing but ultimately painful night - he’d never really given her that much thought.
 
He’d always admired her talent, always harboured a desire to work with her, and yes, he’d always thought she was beautiful.
 
That went without saying.
 
But until he’d actually met her he hadn’t realised how much of an enigma she really was.
 
She got under your skin; she took you over and never let that grip loosen and no matter how hard you tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, it was.
 
And she never let you forget that.

She was speaking extremely candidly about her life there on the TV screen, speaking about her relationships, and Ray almost felt cheated that he’d never get a mention, despite the fact something had happened between them.
 
Something.
 
It was such a small word for something so big.
 
What had gone on between them was etched in his mind forever and he knew she’d never forgotten it either.
 
It was there, it was always there and they couldn’t avoid it now.
 
They were family.
 
They were linked, they were a part of the others lives now and they couldn’t change that.
 
It wasn’t ideal, under the circumstances, but they were going to have to deal with it.
 
Ray just didn’t exactly know how yet.

He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the chair, thinking back to that night five years ago.
 
He’d been working in
London
and was at a TV studio doing promotion work for his new movie, which was exactly what
India
had been doing too. He remembered looking at her as she’d sat in the green room, alone with her thoughts, idly flicking through a magazine, but he’d sensed the loneliness in her.
 
He’d known she was in the middle of divorcing Michael Walsh at the time, he’d known she was away from her baby and he’d known there was no Kenny Ross by her side.
 
Had he used all of that to his advantage?
 
Knowing how vulnerable she’d been at the time?
 
He didn’t know, he didn’t want to try and analyse what had happened and why.
 
What was the point?

She’d seemed tired, he remembered that too.
 
He’d sat next to her and introduced himself and she’d smiled at him, a visible sign of relief spreading across her face.
 
He’d been a friendly English voice and she’d welcomed his company.

He remembered how that smile had reached her amazing blue eyes, she’d been genuinely happy to have him talk to her, just small talk, that’s all it had been in the beginning but she’d been happy to jut sit back and talk about everything and nothing.

Then she’d had to go and speak to the waiting journalists and he’d thought that had been it, that she was gone, out of his life.
 
But just a couple of hours later he’d seen her again, in the hotel close to the TV studios.
 
She’d been sitting at the bar by herself, that same feeling of loneliness exuding from her but this time, when he’d looked at her and their eyes had met, that’s all it had taken.
 
Just one look, one look that had told him exactly what was going to happen next.

He’d left the bar first, after slipping her his address on the back of a coaster, knowing she’d follow him.
 
Leaving together – or even staying in the hotel – it would only have drawn unwanted attention to them and that wasn’t what either of them had wanted.
 
They hadn’t spoken a word in that hotel bar but they’d both known instinctively what the other one had wanted.
 
Each other.
 
That’s all they’d wanted.
 
Each other.
 
A night of no strings, no holds barred, no questions asked sex and they’d got that, beyond anything they’d ever imagined they’d got that.

She’d walked through his front door and the world as they’d known it had stopped turning.
 
Everything had stood still while they’d lived out every fantasy, every wild, uninhibited, incredible fantasy they could think of over a number of hours with no sleep, no stopping to catch breath, no talking.
 
They hadn’t needed to speak, hadn’t wanted to talk, there’d been no need.

Even now he could remember every detail of every act they’d undertaken.
 
He could remember every inch of her perfect, naked body as she’d stretched out on his bed and let him do the things he’d done to her.
 
He remembered every touch, every kiss; his mouth, his fingers, his tongue exploring everything and everywhere but it was only supposed to have been one night, a night where two strangers had come together in a way that only happened in dreams.
 
That’s all it was supposed to have been.
 
Just one night.
 
What had happened after that was something neither of them had looked for.
 

Like they’d agreed, he’d tried to forget it and it had worked, up to a point.
 
He’d put her to the back of his mind.
 
But then she’d met his brother and that had changed everything.
 
They’d been thrown together again, and that had to mean something, didn’t it?

Ray pushed a hand through his hair and sighed.
 
He didn’t want to hurt JJ.
 
He didn’t want to do that but could he avoid it?
 
Because he needed to talk to
India
.
 
He needed to find out how she felt, how that night had left things.
 
He had to do that now he had the chance and then maybe, finally, he could move on too.

***

With the interview over, next came the job of answering the barrage of questions being thrown at them about their marriage before they could even begin to think about getting back to the hotel but Bobby, as usual, was the ultimate professional that he always was at times like this.
 
He referred everyone back to their publicists while at the same time refusing to answer any questions on the subject of Michael directing
India
’s new movie.
 
That wasn’t even up for discussion at the moment, not until she’d got her head around it all.

Back at the hotel, Kenny had joined
India
and JJ for a much needed drink as the whole evening’s events finally began to catch up with everyone.