No Matter What (139 page)

“But what happened afterwards,
India
we ... we need to talk about that, we have to, because we never did, did we?”

“There was nothing to talk
about
, was there?”

“
Jesus
,
India
, how can you
say
that?”

She wouldn’t look at him, couldn’t look at him.
 
And she didn’t want to talk about this, not now, not tonight.

“You were married, Ray.
 
There was nothing to talk about.”

“You pushed me away,
India
.
 
I didn’t want to go, you know that, don’t you?
 
I didn’t want to go, but you pushed me away.”

“Because I had to!
 
I had no choice!”

“Yes, you did!
 
You
did
have a choice,
India
, we both did.”

She shook her head, looking back at him.
 
“I’m sorry, Ray.
 
I’m so sorry.”

He reached out and took her hand, an automatic reaction and she didn’t pull it away.
 
“There were two of us involved ... both of us ... both of us should have talked about it, we should have done that.”

“But we didn’t.”
 
Her voice was quiet again, silent tears falling slowly down her face.
 
“What did we do, Ray?”

But he didn’t reply, just watched as she stood up, gathering her things together.

“There are things we need to talk about,
India
.”
 
He got up too, going over to her.
 
“My head’s all over the place.
 
There are loose ends that need to be tied and you can’t deny that.”

“Not now, Ray.
 
Not tonight.”

“When,
India
?
 
When are we going to finally talk about what happened?
 
When are we going to do that?
 
When are you going to face up to everything and remember that it affected not just you but me as well?”
 
He looked at her and she stared right back at him, her eyes red from crying, and he felt a pull on his heartstrings so fierce it almost made him breathless.
 
“It affected me too,” he whispered.

“I know.
 
But I can’t do this right now, Ray, please understand that.”

All of a sudden she had an overwhelming need to be with JJ.
 
She just wanted to be with her husband.
 
She wanted to hold him and tell him she was sorry for keeping secrets from him.
 
She just wanted to be with him.
 
Even if there was still one secret she couldn’t tell him.
 
Make that two.

Ray felt almost crushed inside, even though he knew this wasn’t the right time for this discussion.
 
She was right.
 
He shouldn’t be pushing this now.
 
But he couldn’t let it go either, and she sensed that.

“Do we really need to bring everything back up again, Ray?”

“Yes.
 
I think we do.
 
It’s unfinished, there are questions unanswered, and I need to be able to close the door on this because … because I haven’t been able to do that.
 
And I don’t think you have either.”

She started fiddling with her wedding ring again.
 
“What about Joe?”

“He doesn’t need to know.”

“More lies, Ray.
 
More secrets and more lies.”

“You aren’t lying to him,
India
.
 
You’re not telling him anything, so you can’t be lying.”

“I’m keeping secrets from him, Ray.
 
Big secrets, something you’re making me re-live all over again and that’s hard for me because I love him and I’ve already hurt him once tonight.”

“He doesn’t need to know,” Ray repeated.
 
“It happened before you met him; it’s got nothing to do with him.”

She turned away and walked out of the room, back into the kitchen, grabbing her bag.
 
“If he finds out ...”

“He won’t.
 
I’m not going to tell him, and who else knows?”

She looked at him, the desire to be with JJ now taking her over and she just wanted to go to her husband.

“Thanks for being here tonight, Ray.”

“Anytime.
 
You know that.”

She turned to go but something made her turn back around and look at him again.
 
“Ray ...”

He looked back at her, amazed at the way she could look so tired and drained and yet still be one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen.
 

“I know,
India
.
 
I know.
 
If things had been different ...”

***

JJ didn’t know where she was.
 
She wasn’t answering her ‘phone and he was worried.
 
She’d left in a state and he shouldn’t have let her go but he’d had no choice, not really.
 
Taking in what she’d told him had been difficult to hear, and finding out that Kenny had already known made it even harder, but he had to think about
India
now.
 
What
he
felt was irrelevant.
 
But it didn’t stop him from feeling anger and frustration that he couldn’t do anything.
 
Even Kenny had had a go while he’d done nothing.
 
And he was her husband.

Kenny had tried to talk to him, once
India
had gone, he’d tried to explain things to him and in the end JJ had seen his point of view, but none of it was ever going to stop him from thinking about what his wife had been through.
 
She’d had no reason to hide it from him, no reason at all.
 
All he’d ever wanted was to love her and look after her, protect her.
 
She brought that instinctive side out in him.
 
He’d never found anyone he’d wanted to be so close to before, somebody he really wanted to be with and care for, not until India had come into his life, and to see her so hurt, so upset, it killed him.

He was standing by the bedroom window looking out at the dark and drizzly
London
streets, still full of people even at this hour, when he heard the door of the suite open.

“
India
?
 
India
, is that you?”

She threw her bag and coat down on a nearby chair and looked up as JJ came into the room.

“Are you ok?” he asked, because it was impossible not to notice how worn out she looked.

She nodded.
 
“I’m fine.”

“Where’ve you been?
 
I’ve been worried sick.
 
You weren’t answering your ‘phone, I’ve left God knows how many messages.”

“I know.
 
I just needed some time alone, Joe.
 
Just to get my head together.”
 
She looked up at him.
 
He looked tired and upset and the guilt flooded over her like a tidal wave.
 
She’d been selfish, leaving him like that.
 
She’d been selfish full-stop.
 
Kenny could look after himself, he knew her moods better than anyone and he knew how to deal with them, but JJ was still new to all of this.
 
He needed time, just like she did.
 
“I’m sorry, Joe.
 
I didn’t mean ...”

“It’s ok.
 
It’s fine.”
 
He smiled, and that only made her feel worse but she was also relieved.
 
She couldn’t face another row, another show down.
 
She’d had enough for one day.
 
“You’re here now and you’re safe and that’s all that matters.”

He came over to her, gently tilting up her chin, her eyes meeting his as he lowered his mouth down onto hers, kissing her slowly, and she found herself crying again, the relief of being back with him overwhelming.
 
Or maybe it was the guilt.

He pulled her into his arms and just held her, letting her cry it all out, sensing she needed to do that, rocking her back and forth as she clung onto him, gripping his t-shirt in an almost vice-like hold as the sobs racked her body.
 
He hated seeing her like this, he hated it, he hated knowing somebody had done this to her and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it because he didn’t want to hurt her anymore than she already had been.
 
But he almost felt like he was falling apart inside as she cried like a child in his arms and all he could do was hold her tight and wait for the tears to stop.
 

When they did, he sat her down and got them both a very large brandy, sitting down beside her.

“You’ve got cold hands,” he said, his fingers brushing against hers as he handed her the glass.

She smiled, staring into the brandy.
 
“It’s November in
London
.
 
It’s freezing out there.”

“Where did you go,
India
?
 
You don’t even know this city that well, I was worried.”

She closed her eyes for a second, wishing she didn’t have to keep lying to him but she couldn’t risk him knowing what had happened tonight.
 
Or the history she and Ray had together.
 
It wouldn’t solve anything or help anyone for him to find out.

“I just walked, Joe.
 
It helped get my head clear.
 
It helped me think straight.” She looked at him.
 
“Where’s Kenny?”

“He went back to his room.
 
He’s fine.
 
We’re
fine.”

“Are you?
 
Because you were carrying on like a couple of kids when I left you.”

“We had a bit of a talk.
 
Sorted things out.
 
It’s all good, really.”

She looked at him.
 
“Is it?”

He nodded, giving her a reassuring smile.
 
“Yes, it is.
 
He’s fine, we’re ok.
 
We both love you,
India
.
 
I understand that he cares about you ...”

“He shouldn’t have gone to see Michael like that.”

“He knows that now.”

“I’m still so angry with him.
 
If anything had happened ...”

“But it didn’t, did it?”

“No thanks to him.”
 
She took a sip of the brandy, glad of the heat it was giving her but on top of the wine she’d had at Ray’s, and the fact she’d hardly eaten all day, it was going straight to her head.

“
India
... what you said about not doing the movie ...”

She looked at him again.
 
She loved him so much, she really did.
 
How could any man be that handsome, so heart-breakingly handsome?
 
But he was.
 
JJ Foster was just that and he was hers and she loved him like crazy.
 
So why had she given in to Michael so easily?
 
And why hadn’t she told him about Ray when they’d first met?
 
Why hadn’t she just done that?
 
Because he may not have liked what he’d heard, that’s why.
 
He might not have understood exactly what had gone on.
 

“I can’t pull out, I know that.”

“Well, you could.
 
If you really wanted to.
 
It would cause problems, yes, but if you really wanted to, you
could
pull out.”

“Do you think I should?”

He shook his head, taking the glass from her and putting it down on the table, taking her hand.
 
“No.
 
I don’t think you should pull out.
 
I don’t like the man, and I don’t like what he did to you but ... but I think this is something you maybe need to face up to.
 
Otherwise it’s just going to eat away at you and you’re stronger than that, you can do this.
 
You can go out there and show him that it doesn’t matter anymore, that you’re over it, you’ve moved on, really moved on.
 
You can show him you don’t care about him, and I’ll be right there with you, baby.
 
Because I love you.”

She smiled, stroking his face with her fingertips, running them along his jaw line.
 
If only he knew how much she needed his help right now.
 
If only he knew how strong she really needed to be.

“I don’t deserve you.”

He smiled too.
 
“Yeah, you do.”