No Matter What (56 page)

“Is she losing the baby, Reece?”

Kenny had been the first one to actually speak the words they’d all been thinking but were too afraid to say out loud.

“I don’t know.
 
I hope not, I really hope not.
 
But I don’t know.”

Kenny leaned back against the wall and kicked it hard with his boot, frustration and anger now taking over.
 
The lack of control, the not being able to help in any way was the worst thing and he was having a hard time dealing with that.
 
Reece knew it too, he knew that Kenny loved her just as much as everyone else, probably more so in his own way, and he knew how bad that frustration felt.
 
He knew there wasn’t a thing anyone could do to help and that was a pain that wouldn’t go away.

“What do we do now?” Kenny asked, pacing the floor, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.
 
“This is going to be common knowledge, we can’t stop that, but that’s even more shit for
India
to deal with and we can’t protect her from it, can we?
 
We can’t stop it from happening.”

“No,” Reece sighed.
 
“No, we can’t.
 
But we
can
take the weight.
 
We can make sure she gets the space she needs.”

Kenny eventually stopped pacing, leaning back against the kitchen counter, his hands still in his pockets.
 
“It’s a nightmare.
 
This is a fucking nightmare!”

Reece looked at the young actor; all the bravado and front had been knocked out of him with everything that had happened.
 
His ex-son-in-law.
 
His daughter’s best friend.

“I know.”
 
He walked over to Kenny, putting a hand on his shoulder.
 
“I know it is.
 
Come on.
 
Let’s go and see what’s happening.
 
We can’t settle down here.”
 
Reece walked towards the door, stopping for a second and looking at Kenny. “Promise me one thing, Kenny.
 
Be there for her, ok?
 
Just ... just be there.”

CHAPTER 28

India
lay in the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling.
 
She felt numb.
 
There was no other way to describe it.
 
She just felt numb, and empty.
 
She kept closing her eyes in the hope that the next time she opened them Terry would be standing there, laughing, telling her it had all been one big bad dream and he wasn’t really gone, but every time she opened her eyes that same painful, overwhelming feeling of loss was still there. And she couldn’t make it go away.

She’d passed out down in the relative’s room, and all she remembered was seeing blood and then nothing.
 
She remembered nothing until she’d woken up here, with people running around and Michael looking worried as he’d talked to Dr Goldman, but she hadn’t been listening.
 
She was tired.
 
So very tired but she couldn’t sleep.
 
She needed to know if her baby was safe, she needed to know that before she could even think of letting sleep take over.
 
She’d already lost her brother.
 
She couldn’t lose her baby too.
   

Michael walked back into the room and she couldn’t help but notice how exhausted he looked.
 
She pulled herself up into a sitting position as he sat down on the bed next to her, taking her hand and he’d been crying, she could see that, it was obvious, and for the second time in a matter of hours she felt the fear rise up in her again as she looked at him.
 
The fear that he was going to tell her something she didn’t want to hear or have to get used to.
 
But she knew that’s what was going to happen.

“Our baby ... Michael, please, tell me our baby’s ok.
 
Please.”

He wished he could, he wished with all of his heart that he could but instead he had to hit her with this as well.
 
After everything that had happened she had to go through this too.
 
He shook his head, feeling her fingers tighten around his as she started to crumble again.

“I can’t do that,
India
.”

“I’ve lost it?”

He couldn’t bear to see her eyes filling with fresh tears, her face a mask of fear and pain; it was an agony he could barely handle anymore.
 
He wouldn’t wish what they’d had to go through tonight on anyone.

But he didn’t need to answer her question.
 
He couldn’t anyway, he couldn’t speak as she just fell into his arms and clung onto him, that barrier she’d put up before well and truly coming down now as she started to cry like she’d never cried before, sobs so loud they racked her whole body and all Michael could do was hold her close, trying desperately to stay strong for her, burying his face in her hair as she cried.
 
He felt every tear, every child-like sob breaking his heart.
 
He’d never experienced a pain like it before.
 
It was something so physically agonising he felt like he was literally being ripped apart inside, and he could only imagine what
India
must be going through if he was hurting this much.
 
She’d lost her brother and her child in a matter of hours and he couldn’t take that pain away.
 
He could try, but he couldn’t do it.
 

They sat together for what seemed like an eternity, just holding each other long after the tears had dried up.
 
How could one night turn itself on it’s head so horrifically?
 
They’d started out celebrating, with everything to look forward to and now - now he didn’t know what was going to happen.
 
Just getting through the next few days was going to be tough enough without even beginning to think about the future beyond that.

“Michael ...”
 

He looked at her, stroking the hair away from her eyes, wiping away stray tears.
 

“I’m sorry.
 
I’m so sorry.”

“What have you got to be sorry for, angel?
 
What in the world have you got to be sorry for?”

“I lost the baby.
 
Me.
 
I
lost our baby.”

“No,
India
, this isn’t your fault, it’s nobody’s fault.
 
The immense stress you’ve been under in such a short space of time ...”

“Is that what they said?
 
Is that what they think caused it?”

“They don’t know for sure, sweetheart.
 
It could be.
 
Or it could just be that our baby wasn’t strong enough.”

It was hard for him to even say the words without breaking down, such was his own grief.
 
She looked at him with eyes that were scared and confused and he just wanted to make it better, he wanted to make it all better.
 
But how could he even begin to do that?

“To lose them both, to ... to lose them both in one night ...” Tears started to fall from her already red and worn out eyes again and it was all Michael could do to stop himself from screaming out loud with the unfairness of it all.
 
“Michael?”

He touched her face again, brushing away the fresh tears.
 
“What is it, baby?”

“I want my dad.”

He swallowed hard, fighting back his own tears, looking up at the ceiling for a second as he blinked them back.
 
Then he looked at her, forcing a smile, determined to stay strong for her because that was his job now.
 
He had to be strong to get her through this.

“Ok sweetheart.”

He looked out of the small window that faced out onto the private waiting area, where Kenny and Reece were talking to Dr Goldman.
 
Reece caught the look that Michael gave him and excused himself, slowly pushing open the door to
India
’s room and she looked up at him, whispering the one word Reece had longed to hear her say.
 
He just wished the circumstances could have been different.

“Dad.”

“Oh, darling.”

He walked to her over and sat down in the space left behind by Michael, wrapping his arms around her as she fell apart again.

“It’s ok,” Reece said to Michael.
 
“We’ll be fine.
 
You go get some rest, you look shattered.”

“I don’t know what to do, Reece.
 
I’ve never felt so helpless.
 
I just don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll get through this, Michael. We all will.
 
Somehow.”

“I don’t want to leave her.”

“You need a break.
 
Go on.
 
Five minutes.
 
She’ll be fine with me.”

Michael looked at his broken, beautiful girl as she sobbed in the arms of her father, backing out of the room, not taking his eyes off her until he had to.
 
But Reece was right.
 
He needed some time alone, just to get his head together because he couldn’t fall apart, he didn’t have the time.
 
India
needed him and she needed him strong.
 
But he’d just lost his child too, and it was a pain he hadn’t thought was possible.

Reece watched Michael leave, his heart breaking for him as well as
India
. He’d just found his child whereas they’d just lost theirs.
 
It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair and he was as angry as hell.

“You cry it all out, baby,” Reece whispered, rocking her in his arms, thinking of all the times when she’d needed him and he hadn’t been there, and only glad that, at a time when she needed him more than she’d ever needed him before, he was here.
 
“You cry it all out.”

When it felt as though she’d cried everything she possibly could, when it was impossible for anymore tears to fall she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, the empty feeling inside her almost too much to bear.

“It’s my fault,” she said quietly, hugging her knees against her, staring straight ahead.
 
“It’s all my fault.
 
Losing this baby ... it’s a punishment.”

Reece looked at her.
 
“What do you mean, a punishment?
 
India
, you’re upset sweetheart, it’s nobody’s fault.”

She shook her head.
 
“No, you see, I never really wanted this baby.
 
Not in the beginning anyway.
 
I thought I did, I went through all those feelings of excitement, I did, I was happy.
 
But when I thought about it, when I actually sat down and thought about it I got scared and I fought against it.
 
I fought against it so hard.”
 
She looked up at Reece.
 
She needed to talk, she needed to say these things, to get them out in the open.
 
Things she couldn’t say to Michael, but things she needed to get off her chest.
 
“I didn’t want this baby.
 
I didn’t want to have that responsibility.
 
Michael never knew how I felt and I never want him to know but, I didn’t want the baby.
 
Not in the beginning.”

Reece took her hand, squeezing it tight.
 
“
India
, you can’t blame yourself, those feelings are only natural when you’re thrown into something new and different.”

“It wasn’t just the baby, though.
 
Everything with Kenny, the fact I felt the need to sleep with him again when I was with Michael ... it was wrong, I know that now, it was wrong and it was stupid but I had to do it.
 
I
had
to sleep with him, I couldn’t stop myself.
 
Oh God, that sounds so weak.
 
But my head was all over the place and I know that’s no excuse, there
is
no excuse but with a baby on the way and marriage on the cards ... I wanted my old life back.
 
For a few days I just wanted my old life back.”
 
She looked at Reece.
 
“I could have lost him, couldn’t I?
 
Michael?
 
I could have lost him.
 
But it’s payback time now, isn’t it?”

“
India
, honey, stop this, come on.
 
This isn’t doing anyone any good, you can’t blame yourself.”

“But I do.”
 
She looked at him again, right at him, her worn out face determined and serious.
 
“It all fell into place, though.
 
Eventually.
 
I love Michael, I know that now, and the thought of him not being in my life scared the hell out of me.
 
That, and finding out you were my dad, it put everything into perspective.
 
I realised what was important.
 
I realised what I really wanted.
 
I wanted Michael, and I wanted our baby.
 
I wanted a family.”
 
Silent tears started to fall down her cheeks again.
 
She didn’t think she’d had anymore left to cry but here they were.
 
“I wanted our baby so they took it away from me.
 
As punishment.
 
And Terry ... my brother, my beautiful brother ... oh, Jesus, he’s really not coming back is he?”