No Matter What (55 page)

Michael shook his head.
 
“No.
 
I want to do it.”
 
He looked back into Terry’s room.
 
India
was still sitting on the bed, stroking her brother’s face and talking to him. “We’ve got to tell her now, haven’t we?”

Reece nodded.
 
“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I love her, Reece.
 
I love her so much, and if she has to go through hell then I’ll go through it with her.
 
Every step of the way.”

He walked back into the room and
India
looked up at him, smiling, turning back to Terry’s still and lifeless body.
 
“Michael’s here, Terry, he’s come to see you too.”

“
India
...”

“Come and talk to him, Michael, come on.”

“
India
... please, listen to me, baby.
 
You’ve got to listen to me.”

She looked up at him again and the expression on her face said it all.
 
She knew the truth, she just didn’t want to believe it.

She shook her head as Michael came over to her, sitting beside her, taking her hand in his.
 
“No, Michael, don’t say it.
 
Please don’t say it, because once you say it then it’s real and I don’t want it to be real.”

“None of us do, sweetheart.
 
But you have to be strong now, you have to be really strong.”

She was staring at him, tears streaming down her face again, and it was all he could do to stay calm.
 
She didn’t deserve this.
 
Nobody did.

“He’s dead, isn’t he?” she whispered, her fingers tightening around Michael’s hand as she continued to stare at him.

He nodded.
 
“It’s only the machine keeping him alive.
 
It’s breathing for him.
 
Without that ...”

She turned back to her brother, reaching out to touch his arm as it lay motionless on the sheet.
 
“He’s still so warm, Michael.”
 
She looked at him again.
 
“They want to turn the ventilator off?
 
Is that it?”

“When you’re ready.
 
You take as much time as you need, you spend as much time as you want with him but, yes ... it’s time, baby.”

She bit down on her bottom lip and Michael knew it was to try and stop herself from crying anymore.
 
“Can I ... can I be on my own for a while?” she asked.
 
“I want to say goodbye on my own.”

“Of course you can, sweetheart.”
 
He kissed her forehead gently and let go of her hand as she turned away from him, turning her attention back to her brother, and Michael watched her for a second, watched as she continued to talk to Terry before he left her to it, going back outside to Kenny and Reece.

“Is she ok?” Kenny asked.

Michael sat down, pushing his hands through his hair.
 
“As ok as she can be, under the circumstances.”

“She wants to be on her own?” Reece asked, and Michael nodded.
 
“Does she know ...?”

Michael nodded again.
 
“Yes.
 
She knows.
 
But it’s like she’s slowly putting up a barrier, getting ready to shut everyone else out.”

“Can you blame her?”
 

Michael looked over at Kenny.
 
He wouldn’t blame him, he couldn’t do that because in reality it wasn’t his fault, but Kenny had known how determined Terry had been to get Charley away from Jimmy Cash.
 
Michael knew he’d been more involved in this whole situation than anyone else, so maybe he should have kept a closer eye on things, but this wasn’t the time for blame.
 
Even if Kenny wasn’t someone Michael could ever fully trust.

“It’s fucking hard, Kenny, to sit there and watch the person you love more than anything going through something she shouldn’t be going through when all I want to do is help her.
 
And I can’t.
 
I can’t do a fucking thing.”

“It’s hard for all of us,” Reece said, sensing the friction between Michael and Kenny and he wanted to try and diffuse the situation before it had time to get any worse.
 
This wasn’t really the time or the place.
 
“But all we can do now is be there for
India
.
 
When she needs us.
 
And she’ll let us know when that is.”

“I’ll go get some coffees.”
 
Kenny stood up, leaving them to it.
 
If the truth be told he felt more guilt than he’d dare let on and he just needed to get away for a bit and think.

“What do I do, Reece?” Michael asked, tears starting to sting the back of his eyes.
 
“How do I make this right for her?”

Reece shook his head.
 
“You can’t.
 
Nobody can.”

“Michael?”

They both looked up at
India
, now standing in the open doorway to Terry’s room, her arms folded, her face wet with tears.

“I’m ready,” she whispered.
 
“To let him go.
 
I’m ready.”

***

Charley was inconsolable.
 
She didn’t want to believe it had happened but as she watched the news, listened as they told how Terry Steven, brother of Hollywood star India Steven had died, that his life support machine had been switched off at 1.45am that morning, she just curled up into a ball and tried to shut the world out.

It was her fault.
 
She’d done this.
 
If it hadn’t been for her then Terry would never have got into this situation.
 
If she hadn’t asked for help he’d still be alive.
 
So many ‘what if’s’ but what did any of it matter now?
 
He was gone.
 
She’d wanted to escape, she’d wanted to get away from Jimmy Cash and she’d done that.
 
She was free.
 
But look at the cost.
 
Charley just couldn’t work out whether it had been worth it or not.
 
What was the point of going on if there was nothing left out there for her?
 

She felt empty, drained of any kind of real emotion.
 
But if
she
was feeling like this then how the hell was
India
feeling?
 
What had she done to
her
?
 
It was all too much for Charley as she reached for the ‘phone and dialled that all too familiar number.
 
One more time, just one more time because she couldn’t cope without it today.
 
One more time then she’d get her life straight.
 
She owed it to herself to try.
 
And, more than anything, she owed it to Terry.

***

Michael had wanted to take
India
home, he’d wanted to get her away from the hospital and try and make her get some sleep but she hadn’t wanted to leave.
 
She’d held onto her brother’s hand as they’d turned his ventilator off - the machine that had been keeping him alive - and then she’d lain next to him, curled up beside him as he’d taken his last breath and neither Michael, Kenny nor Reece could bear to watch.
 
She’d stayed there for almost half an hour afterwards, just lying beside him, and she hadn’t cried, not since the first barrage of tears.
 
That barrier was now well and truly up because she felt safer behind it, but they had to let her deal with this in whatever way she could.
 
No matter how difficult that was for anyone else.

 
“Do you know where Kenny is?” Michael asked Reece as they sat in the dimly lit private relatives’ room that the hospital had put aside for them.
 
India
was now curled up next to him although she wasn’t sleeping, but she had her eyes closed and Michael just hoped that she might be able to grab even an hour or so of rest, anything for the sake of her own health.

Reece started to put some coffee on, spooning large amounts into the machine because strong was the order of the day as far as he was concerned.
 
God knows he needed more than coffee but he had to keep a clear head.

“Kenny’s outside dealing with the press.
 
Somebody had to give them a statement and he offered.”
 
Reece leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, sighing heavily.
 
“And I have to say I’m glad because I just don’t think I’ve got it in me right now.”
 
He looked over at Michael, who was gently stroking
India
’s hair, kissing the top of her head as she snuggled in closer to him, her eyes still closed.
 
“Has she said anything to you?
 
Has she talked at all?”
 

Michael shook his head.
 

Reece continued to look at his daughter.
 
His beautiful, broken daughter.
 
“She will.
 
When she wants to.”

Michael looked at her.
 
Her face was stained with tears, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail and she looked so young.
 
So tired.
 
But still so beautiful.

“It’s like she’s shut down,” he said quietly.
 
“She’s just totally shut down.”

Reece ran his hands through his hair, sighing again.
 
“It’s her way of coping, Michael, that’s all.
 
It’s hard but she’ll come through it.
 
Jesus,
I
should be dealing with this, as her father.
 
I should be going out there and protecting her from all that shit outside instead of letting Kenny deal with everything.
 
I should be out there telling the world that she’s my daughter and I’m there for her and …”

“Is now the right time for that?”

“I think it’s absolutely the right time.
 
Yes.
 
She can’t deal with this, Michael, not right now, not on her own, and if I can take that weight off her shoulders ... what is it?”
 
Reece had noticed a sudden change in Michael’s expression.
 
“What’s the matter?”
 

 
“She’s bleeding, Reece ... Oh, Jesus, she’s bleeding ... no, not this, please don’t let it be this …
India
, baby?
 
Are you awake?
 
Baby, are you awake?”

Reece ran over, crouching down beside her as Michael tried to rouse her, blood now pouring down her legs and Michael was really losing it now, he couldn’t deal with this, he didn’t want to think about this.
 
Hadn’t they been through enough already?

“Get somebody, Reece!”

“Ok ... look, just try and stay calm and I’ll find Dr Goldman.”
 
But he was finding it hard to stay calm himself as he ran off, crashing through the door of the room like his life depended on it, desperate for this not to be happening to his own baby.
 
Didn’t she have enough to cope with?
 
This was cruel beyond belief.

India
’s eyes slowly opened and she looked up at Michael, who was trying to smile at her, he was trying to smile even though he felt like breaking down.

“Hey there you.”

She looked down and saw the blood, just staring at it for a few seconds as though she couldn’t quite comprehend its appearance, before looking back up at Michael, her eyes wide but she said nothing.
 
He tried to smile again, determined that she wouldn’t see the tears he was trying so hard to keep at bay, stroking her cheek with his fingers.

“It’s ok, angel.
 
Reece has gone to find Dr Goldman.
 
It’ll be ok.”

He was frantic now as her eyes started to close again.
 
He couldn’t believe this was happening, on top of everything else, why was this happening too?

He looked up in desperation as Reece and Dr Goldman ran into the room, closely followed by Kenny.

“We need to get her to obstetrics, quickly!”
 
Dr Goldman said, holding the door open as Michael picked
India
up in his arms and Reece watched as his beautiful daughter went limp, lying there like a rag doll.
 
It pulled at his heart with a force he’d never felt before and he couldn’t do a thing about it.
 
That was what hurt the most.
 

He put an arm out to stop Kenny following them out of the room.
 
“Leave them, Kenny.
 
Let them get her up there first.
 
We’ll follow in a minute.”