Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (25 page)

Occasionally, Ryder heard chanting and drumming from the valley below where those at the base camp ate, sang, and danced, occasionally checking on the three men who had chosen to also undergo vision quests with the use of binoculars.

But Carlos preferred to watch over Ryder the way it had been done for centuries. Ryder felt safe knowing Carlos was nearby.

A rustling in the brush made Ryder turn to his right, and he spotted the amber-eyed coyote that Megan and he had encountered up here.

“Hello, my brother.”

The coyote stared at him, as if measuring his worth. Telepathically, the creature said, “You take life too seriously. You need to find a balance between wisdom and playfulness.”

He’d learned firsthand what could happen when people let play take them away from what they should be focusing on. He’d gotten injured playing football in Kandahar, and Gino D’Alessio died as a result.

Shake it off.

He needed to shake off the negative thoughts like that. Without speaking aloud, he asked, “Are you my spirit guide animal?”

He’d waited for days for one to appear, the animal that would guide him spiritually on his new path, but none had come.

“No, I’m attached to your female. When will she return?”

He smiled. That made sense, because Megan did embrace both wisdom and playfulness. From what he recalled of the meaning of the coyote spirit animal, being a jokester was one of its main traits.

“You need to lighten up, Ryder. Play a little. Come on.”

The day at the Gilman Tunnels, she’d gotten him to play by shedding his boots and socks and wading with her in the freezing-ass-cold Rio Guadalupe. She’d teased him into other playtime, as well, the night they’d first explored her kink side.

But the coyote also represented bringing a balance of wisdom and playfulness together.

The coyote left, and Ryder grounded himself again. He picked up his drum and pounded in a rhythm that mimicked a heartbeat. Just as he and Megan had synchronized their breathing, he matched the drumbeats with those of his own beating heart. As the sun set behind him, a vision floated before him, suspended in air over the ledge, appearing to represent the spirit of the rattlesnake Megan had shot.

The snake’s primal energy force lived on, helping Ryder see that was true of those who had been lost to this world. They lived on in other places in the universe not accessible to him at this time. But always watching over him.

Carlos’s spirit animal was the snake, and Ryder knew more about the meaning behind this one. If indeed the snake was his as well, his future would hold many healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy.

“Are you one of my spirit guides?”

The snake hovered before him, coiled, its rattle moving while not making a sound.

When the vision began to fade, Ryder called out. “Don’t leave. I need to know!”

The crunch of Carlos’s boots behind him caused the vision to disappear. “Christ, man, don’t move!”

Ryder remained still while a skirmish of some sort ensued behind him. Curious when the struggle ended, he turned in time to watch Carlos take a stick and fling a writhing rattlesnake into the rocks where it slithered to safety for the night.

Ryder grinned, but was too weak to stand on his own. Carlos approached. “That snake was sitting barely a foot away from you. Shit, good thing I came up to check things out before I turned in for the night.”

“No worries. It wouldn’t hurt me.”

Carlos seemed puzzled at first then smiled. “Spirit-animal vision?”

Ryder nodded and returned the smile.

“Not a moment too soon. It’s time to go to base camp for the closing ceremony.” While some chose to conduct their vision quest alone, one of Ryder’s goals had been to make connections with people again, so he had chosen the group approach.

Carlos helped him to his feet and Ryder brushed off the red dirt from his black shorts. His friend picked up his empty water bottles, stowed them in a bag, and handed it to Ryder. Carlos carried the heavier drum and stick.

“Wait. I have some rabbits for tonight’s giveaway.” He’d spent time hunting earlier in the day. While he hadn’t been as successful as he would be with greater strength, he wanted to present something to the shaman and lodge leader as a small token of what Ryder had received from this experience. He bent to pick up the animals carrying them by their hind feet.

As they walked along, Carlos said, “We truly are brothers then. Let’s go. After the closing, I’ve got a surprise for you at the house.”

Ryder leaned heavily on his brother as they walked down the darkening path to the Jeep. He downed another bottle of water on the way to camp. Once there, everyone gathered in a council circle with those who had maintained the base camp, and the vision seekers took turns sharing what they had discovered.

When Ryder’s turn to speak came, he was choked up with emotion.

Carlos wrapped his arm around him, only making it harder. He whispered, “Use your medicine. Your
verbal
medicine.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time letting fear, anger, and guilt eat away at me. First in my childhood and later after returning from the military.” He took a deep breath. “My life had become subsistent living. I kept people at arm’s length or farther and shunned joy…and love. I’ve met someone I think could help me become whole again. My prayer is that she will accept my imperfections.”

The lodge leader added, “Just as you will accept hers.”

Ryder smiled. “Yes. My new path will be one of discovering that being human means there will be nothing perfect. I’ll just have to continue to do the best I am able to with the purest of intentions.”

Please, Great Spirit, don’t let me do anything more to harm Megan.

When all rounds were completed, giveaways were exchanged, and the group feasted on berries, white raisins, corn, and pine nuts, among other natural foods.

All too soon, the time to break down the camp arrived. Ryder tried not to think about this as an ending, though. No, this was the beginning. He had his will to live restored—and the greatest reason of all to live.

He couldn’t wait to go see Megan and share what he had learned.

Chapter Nineteen

C
arlos helped Ryder into the house an hour later. His friend had remained silent about whatever the surprise was, but Ryder really just wanted to spend a couple of days rebuilding his strength. The vision quest ritual had been both exhilarating and completely exhausting.

“So she told me not to tell you she was here until now. But where did she get off to?”

Megan? Had she returned? Wanting to stand on his own two feet when he saw her for the first time since his revelations, he broke away and placed a hand on a dining room chair instead. Maybe she was in the bedroom. He wished he’d had some time to regain his strength before facing her—and maybe take a shower.

Ryder turned to his friend. “Thanks for everything, man. I can take it from here.”

Carlos laughed. “She told me you might not be too eager to see her.”

“Oh, I want to see her all right. I’ve figured out a lot of things that in the last few—”

“Wilson. How are you doing?”

Ryder stiffened when heard the familiar, yet out-of-place, voice. “Grant? What are
you
doing here?”

“There’s something I needed to tell you. About the break-in at Megan Gallagher’s.”

“Do you know who did it?”

She nodded, and her gaze strayed to Carlos. “I’d prefer to discuss it in private.”

Carlos held his hands out. “Hey, I know when I’m not wanted.” He turned to Ryder and smiled. “Welcome home, man. We’ll talk tomorrow. Get some shut-eye—when you can.”

Did he think there was something romantic or sexual going on with Grant? Well, he’d set him straight tomorrow. Right now, the woman had information that concerned Megan, and he wanted to find out what happened.

They hugged and clapped each other on the back before saying goodbye, and Carlos left the two of them alone. Ryder turned to Grant again. “Want some coffee?”

“No. I can’t stay. Just wanted to explain some things.”

Ryder pointed to a chair, and they sat across from each other at the table. Grant fiddled with the woven placemat. What the hell was taking her so long?

Had something happened while he was on his vision quest? “Is Megan in any danger?”

Grant met his gaze. “No. She never was. I made sure.”

“You? Did Top send you down here to check on her, too?”

Maybe he didn’t trust Ryder to get the job done after all.

Shit. Some vote of confidence, Top
.

But if Top had known what kind of shape Ryder had been in the night he called, he probably
wouldn’t
have relied on Ryder to handle this alone. Hell, more likely, he’d have sent some of his Marines to check on Ryder instead.

“The reason I know Megan wasn’t in danger is because…I’m the one who broke into Patrick Gallagher’s condo and stole the computer.”

Holy fuck.

“Why the hell did you want her computer?” This didn’t make any sense.

She glanced down at the placemat and rubbed the bridge of her nose before meeting his gaze again. “Wilson, I’ve had you under surveillance since soon after you checked out of the VA Hospital. You had me worried for years before that, but try as I may, I wasn’t finding you in any databases. It was like you disappeared off the face of the earth. Scared the piss out of me.”

Now she made even less sense. “Mind telling me what business it is of yours where I go or what I do with my life?”

She narrowed her gaze. “I made it my business to keep track of you guys ever since Fallujah. You treated me as one of your unit and respected my skills, regardless of the fact that I was a woman.”

“What else would we do? You were a member of our team.”

“You don’t know how it is in some other units. Anyway, since then I’ve made it my business to make sure none of my unit becomes a suicide statistic.”

She referred to the reports showing an appalling number of American veterans were killing themselves every day. Many were from Joe’s Vietnam era, but he knew of more than enough who had served since 9/11 who hadn’t been able to fight the demons at home.

But that was in the past. He wasn’t going to let that happen. He had even more people to call who cared about him if things got that dark again. But did she have any fucking clue how close Ryder had come a few times?

“I thought hospital records were confidential.”

“I didn’t see your records, but I know you did time in the psych unit. I came down here looking for you soon after your discharge. Found Carlos and spoke with him, but he didn’t know me from, well, Adam, and wouldn’t say anything.”

At least he could trust his long-time friend, but he still had no fucking clue what was going on and what it had to do with Megan.

“I met Megan at Top’s wedding. We talked that week about a number of things, including how she’d helped her brother deal with his PTS issues.”

Maybe Patrick’s issues didn’t cross over into being diagnosed as a disorder the way Ryder’s did. No wonder he functioned a lot better.

“I broke in here and put a camera in your bedroom to keep an eye on you.”

He stood abruptly sending his chair flying backwards. “You
what
? What gives you the fucking right to—”

Her fist pounded the table. “Because I don’t want to lose anyone else I care about! I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t care if you press charges—or Patrick or Megan either, for that matter. You have to admit that, when Top put you on this mission to watch his sister, you came back to the living.”

He had—but that didn’t give her the right to…

Holy fuck!
“Which bedroom did you wire?” If she had compromising videos of Megan, he’d snatch her blonde head bald.

“I figured you weren’t into a frilly iron bed, so I set it up in the bedroom with the king-sized one.”

He relaxed and sat down again, still not sure what to think about having Grant watching what he did in the privacy of his bedroom on a video feed. Lord knows nothing salacious had happened in his bedroom since he’d lived up here.