Nothing Left to Lose (38 page)

My pulse was
drumming in my ears; I was barely able to breathe. Suddenly, my
body felt like it exploded with pleasure, making me arch my back
into him. I threw my head back and cried his name as my body
vibrated and convulsed around his fingers. Wave after wave of
pleasure washed over me, dragging me under, drowning me in it. I’d
heard girls talk about seeing fireworks when they climaxed, but I’d
never actually believed them until now. Ashton’s body tensed
against mine as he pressed his face into my neck. He made an
incredibly sexy, little grunting sound as he came onto my hand.

I sighed and
closed my eyes as my body slowly came down from the extreme high. I
couldn’t keep the smile off my face. My body felt relaxed and
satisfied. When he eased his fingers out of me, my body jerked from
the after effects of my orgasm. Forcing my eyes open, I saw him
grinning down at me before he dipped his head and kissed me
softly.

I smiled
against his lips as he settled down next to me on the sofa,
propping himself up on his elbow. He looked just as I felt: happy,
contented and tired.

Scooting closer
to him, I closed my eyes and breathed in his delicious smell that
always made me feel safe and protected. His lips pressed to my
cheek softly before trailing little kisses down the side of my
neck. I giggled and squirmed as he nibbled on my earlobe. Finally,
he pulled away and laid his head down next to mine, just watching
me silently. I had the distinct impression he was waiting for me to
speak first.

The edge of
sleep was already tugging at my eyelids making them heavy.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.

He burst out
laughing at my comment. “You’re welcome, ma’am,” he whispered,
causing goosebumps to break out over my skin. His heavy arm was
placed over me as he pulled me closer to him, stroking my back
until I was asleep.

I woke up
cuddled in his arms. My body was draped over his chest; we were
both fully clothed. I raised my head and realised we were in bed.
Silently, I wondered how on earth we got there. I definitely fell
asleep on the sofa.

“Good morning,
Baby Girl,” he said quietly.

I blushed as
suddenly all of the memories from last night washed over me. I
moved off him and rolled back onto my own pillows, leaving a bit of
space between us. When he didn’t move to me, disappointment washed
over me.
Did he not enjoy last night? Is he not even going to
try and kiss me this morning?

“Morning,” I
replied sheepishly, unable to look into his eyes because I was a
little embarrassed.

“You okay
today?” he asked, watching me nervously.

I gulped. What
was I supposed to say? Was I okay? I felt okay. Actually, I felt
fantastic; my body was, for once, relaxed and satisfied. I had a
feeling he was asking because of Jack. The last time something had
happened between us, I’d freaked out and ran off to the cemetery.
But this time my confusion and unease wasn’t just because of Jack
and the fact that I felt disloyal to him for wanting someone else,
there was something else this time too.

“Um, yeah, I’m
fine. You want some breakfast?” I climbed out of bed quickly,
wanting to avoid this conversation. I had no idea what I actually
wanted or what I felt about last night, and I knew I wouldn’t be
able to think about it while he was there. Whenever he was near me,
all I could think of was him.

He sighed
deeply. “Yeah sure.”

I couldn’t look
at him. I left the room quickly and headed straight to the kitchen,
pressing my forehead against the fridge to try and calm myself.
Confusion was making my head swim. I’d enjoyed last night,
really
enjoyed it, in fact, and my body was begging for me
to go back to the bed and do it again – and an awful lot more, too.
But my head was telling me that I needed to keep him at a safe
distance from my heart. I just couldn’t stand anymore heartache,
and Ashton Taylor was not the commitment kind of guy. He’d be with
me just long enough for me to really fall for him before he would
run away screaming, taking my heart with him. I couldn’t feel
heartbreak again; I wasn’t strong enough to lose someone again. I
needed to tread extremely carefully here because I was in some real
danger of being crushed beyond repair by him.

Absentmindedly,
I scrambled some eggs and made some toast, deliberately taking my
time so he could shower; that way I could go in and get dressed and
hopefully avoid being alone with him until tonight at least. Maybe
I would figure out what I was going to say to him by then. Last
night was entirely my fault again.
I
was the one making all
the moves.
I
was the one who touched him and gave him the
green light. I’d instigated it all, and this confusion and
awkwardness that I felt inside was all of my doing.

“Stupid, stupid
idiot!” I scolded myself, shaking my head.

“Who’s a stupid
idiot?”

I spun on the
spot, gasping in shock as he emerged from the bedroom, dressed and
ready to go, looking every inch the gorgeous man that he was. “Er,
no one. I was just thinking about something,” I lied, shaking my
head dismissively and quickly serving up two plates of food. I set
one on the counter for him and picked up the other, deciding to eat
in the bedroom today so that I could be alone.

As I walked
past him, he held his arm up, blocking my path. “Why aren’t you
eating out here with me, like normal?” He sounded so terribly sad
that it made my eyes prickle with tears.

“No reason. I
just want to finish some stuff for our class this afternoon, so I
thought I’d make a start while I’m eating. It’ll save some time,” I
lied.

He sighed
deeply and let his arm drop down to his side. “Right.”

Clearly he knew
I was lying, but neither of us said anything. I made my way to the
bedroom quickly, sitting on the bed and stuffing my food down my
throat even though I didn’t actually want to eat. I felt strange
inside. Although I didn’t actually feel bad when I thought about
what had happened between us last night – maybe that was the
problem.

I showered and
dressed in black leggings and a tank top, throwing an oversized
blue and white checked shirt over the top, leaving it undone. I put
on my bangles too. I didn’t bother with any other jewellery
anymore, the only necklace I ever wore was the one that Ashton had
given me on our first date; I hadn’t taken it off yet and had no
plans to either. I pulled my hair into a pony tail for the day and
pulled on some ballet flats. When I was dressed I didn’t want to go
back to the kitchen, I wasn’t ready to see him again yet. So
instead, I sat on the bed, watching the clock, waiting for the time
we would need to leave.

At exactly
eight thirty, I made my way to the kitchen, where he was standing
reading the newspaper. “Hey, I’m ready to go,” I mumbled, grabbing
my bag and turning for the door. I heard him walking behind me, and
I knew that he was waiting for me to bring up the subject first. I
silently wondered how long he’d wait before he cracked and said
something; hopefully I’d at least have time to figure out what I
want to say.

“Morning guys,”
Dean greeted us happily, waiting outside the door for us as
usual.

“Morning,” I
grunted, going to the elevator and letting them lag behind me.
Usually Ashton would be holding my hand by now and making me smile,
but today there just seemed to be this colossal rift between
us.

I dropped my
eyes to the floor and stood there in silence. Ashton didn’t even
glance at me, well, at least I didn’t think he did, but I didn’t
dare raise my eyes to him in case he caught me looking. The car
ride to school was silent too. When he came around my side of the
car to open my door for me, he didn’t take my hand like he usually
did.

I gulped,
hating the change in routine. I was missing his contact, missing
his presence at my side. Even though he was still there, it felt
like he was too far away from me. He sat next to me in classes, not
speaking to me apart from when he asked to borrow my pencil
sharpener. My stomach was really hurting now. I felt incredibly
rejected and lost without him being his usual self. Every time I
looked at him, he would smile weakly at me, but it didn’t reach his
eyes, it wasn’t a real smile. I hated those smiles with a
passion.

At the end of
our morning classes, I threw my stuff roughly into my bag, not
caring if my sketches got ruined or my pencils spilled from their
cases. I was getting angry; I hated this cold, distant guy. I
needed the old Ashton back, the one that could make me feel better
in an instant by smiling or saying something silly, or flirting his
butt off with me. I’d ruined everything for a quick thrill, and I
hated myself for it.

I followed him
down to the cafeteria, buying a sandwich and plopping down at our
table of friends, making sure to choose a seat that was a couple of
spaces away from him, knowing he would hate it.

“Anna, why
don’t you come sit next to me?” he suggested politely, but looking
at me with a small warning gesture.

“I’m fine here,
thank you, Ashton,” I replied, using his name as he’d done to me.
He hardly ever used my name, and it hurt my insides that he was
doing it now. I turned away from him to talk to Rosie.

She raised one
eyebrow in question. “Trouble in paradise?”

I sighed. What
was I supposed to say to that?
‘Yeah, he’s just pissed because I
finally let him touch me last night, and then refused to speak to
him this morning.’
I had a feeling that wouldn’t go down
remarkably well.

I shrugged. “I
guess.”

A frown lined
her forehead. “You two are perfect for each other! What’s happened?
He can’t have cheated on you; I’ve never even seen him look at
another girl, not once,” she shook her head sternly.

I smiled sadly.
“No, nothing like that. It’s just little things at home, that’s
all.” I picked my sandwich apart, not hungry in the slightest.

Ashton leant
over Rich so he could talk to me. “Anna, want to go for a walk
before next class?”

I shook my head
quickly. “No thanks. I really need to talk to Rosie about
something,” I lied, looking at her pleadingly. She nodded in
confirmation, helping me out, but looking a little uncomfortable
because of it.

“Anna, please?”
he asked.

I huffed
angrily and dropped my ruined food into the carton.
Why can’t he
just let me have some time?
“Ashton, for goodness’ sake, I said
I need to talk to Rosie about something. Why don’t you go do
something with the guys?” I snapped.

He recoiled
instantly, and a hurt expression spread across his face. Guilt
settled in the pit of my stomach. I hated being a bitch to him.
This wasn’t his fault, it was mine. He hadn’t done anything wrong;
this was my problem and my mistake.

I sighed and
stood up, walking over to his side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell
at you. Maybe we should go for a walk,” I agreed, looking anywhere
but him because I didn’t want to see the hurt on his face.
Wordlessly, he stood up and followed behind me, putting his hand on
the small of my back as we walked past a group of rowdy guys.

As we got
outside, I instantly headed towards the picnic benches out the
front, sitting down and staring at the sky. It was a really nice
day, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and the clouds were
white and fluffy, but it could have been raining for all I cared at
the moment.

Instead of
sitting next to me, he squatted down in front of me, putting his
hands on my knees. “Anna,” he said quietly, trying to get my
attention. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to say to him. I
reluctantly dragged my eyes to meet his and saw what I hadn’t
wanted to see there all morning: hurt and confusion. “Anna, talk to
me. Don’t shut me out like this, please, I can’t stand it,” he
begged.

My chin
trembled as my emotions threatened to boil over. I fought
desperately to keep them in check and not break down and weep. “I
don’t know what to say,” I admitted weakly. “I guess I should say
that I’m sorry. I should say that I shouldn’t have done that last
night and that I won’t do it again. But I don’t want to say that.
I’m
not
sorry. I enjoyed it.” I frowned, not knowing how to
express this conflict that was going on inside me. I decided to
tell him the truth – well, half of it at least. I figured it was
best to leave out the fact that I was frightened to death that he’d
break my heart. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Look, I like
you. You are the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen, and I want
you so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’ve never wanted anyone the
way that I want you, not even Jack. But the fact is that I love
Jack, and I shouldn’t be doing this when I’m not over him. And the
thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know I’ll never be
over him,” I winced, dreading his reaction. This was the first time
I’d ever let him into my messed-up head. Maybe this would send him
running from me. He’d finally see how screwed up I was and he’d
bolt.

He didn’t bolt
though; instead, he put his forehead to my knees and sighed. “I
knew that was it. I knew this was about Jack,” he mumbled, his
voice muffled against my knees. “Anna, do you really think that
because you don’t know what to say to me, that saying nothing is
better?” he asked sadly, not raising his head.

I couldn’t
stand the pain in his voice; I tangled one hand in his hair. “I’m
sorry, but you didn’t say anything either,” I countered, trying to
make him shoulder some of the blame that was clearly all mine.

He sighed. “I
wanted to give you space, Baby Girl, I knew you needed space. I
figured you’d come talk to me when you were ready, but I just can’t
wait any longer.” He lifted his head from my knees and looked at me
intently. “I really like you,” he whispered, trapping me in his
eyes so I couldn’t look away.