Once Upon a Spy (Humorous Cozy Mystery) (12 page)

“Matt? You better send a team to my house. Agent Grant just killed Betty and Bessy. Huh? Yes. Two members of my family. Yes, they’re dead.” She picked up a lone feather. “I’m staring at the remains right now.”

It didn’t take long for Matt to reach the Assenheimer house. He’d scrambled the same team that had assisted him in taking down Yvonne and Izzy yesterday morning—God, had it only been one day? So much had happened since then, it seemed more like a month.

Finally arriving there, the team quickly cordoned off the street, and made their way over to the modest house that stood in the middle of the neighborhood. All small houses here, occupied by regular, hardworking people, but the Assenheimer place stood out among them. At first he couldn’t see why, but then he noticed the strange construction of the house. It was as if someone had smashed two houses together and somehow turned it into a new one, then built a third one on top of the first two. All the other houses were modest two-story buildings, but the Assenheimer place was actually two houses, with a third story stuck on top of it.

He remembered reading in Yvonne’s file she had eight brothers, with some of them still living at home. He’d already wondered how Mom and Pop Assenheimer had managed to fit such a big family, but now he saw. With each new pregnancy, Gerald Assenheimer had probably scrambled the neighborhood and built an extension to the existing house. He wondered briefly what the zoning commission would have to say about that, but then the front door opened, and Yvonne came storming out.

The moment she laid eyes on him, her teary face cleared, and she came toddling up to him, arms outstretched. Since he was dressed in combat gear, it was a bit difficult to envelop her in his arms, but he managed anyway.

“Oh, Matt. They killed our chickens.”

“I’m so sorry, honey—
chickens
? Did you just say
chickens
?”

“Yes. We stole Grant’s magic box and one garden gnome, and they started spinning and beeping and then the missile came and wiped out the chicken coop.”

He sat her down on the sidewalk while the rest of the team marched into the house. “Take it easy, Yvonne. I know you’ve had quite a shock, but just try to tell me slowly and clearly what happened, all right?”

After she’d finished recounting the tale of how they’d broken into Grant’s house, and the weirdness of the spinning black box, he frowned darkly. This sounded a lot like Grant knew even more about their operation than they’d anticipated. And he was clearly targeting them with this black box contraption.

“Don’t worry, Yvonne. We’ll take care of this. Right now, we need to take you and your family to a safe place, all right?”

Yvonne looked up, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Safe place? We’re not going anywhere, Matt.”

“But your house was just bombed. You can’t stay here.”

She raised her chin defiantly, and his heart sank. He hadn’t known her long, but he recognized the gesture. “We’re staying right here, Matt. Assenheimers have lived in this house since the first Assenheimer arrived to seek his fortune, and no Oswin Grant is going to drive us away.” She sniffed. “Besides. We’re having pot roast tonight. And I’m starving.”

Just then, an older woman started yelling at them from behind the barricade at the end of the street.

“Yoo-hoo! V!”

Yvonne waved back. “Mom!”

“It’s all right, Franklin!” hollered Matt. “You can let her pass!”

He was surprised to find Mrs. Assenheimer of delicate build. Compared to Yvonne, he would even call her petite.

Breathless, she came trotting up. “What happened? Why is there police everywhere?” Then she noticed two burly team members exiting the house, carrying a black box and a garden gnome in their hands. Consternation took possession of Mrs. Assenheimer. “V? Did something happen to our house?”

“You better sit down, Mom.”

Yvonne’s mother plunked down, eyes wide and lips trembling. “What? Did somebody… die?”

Yvonne nodded gravely. “Betty and Bessy.”

Mrs. Assenheimer closed her eyes, clearly horrified. “Those poor animals.”

Matt, feeling out of his depth, decided to leave mother and daughter to mourn the demise of their chickens in solitude, and joined the two guys checking out the black box and garden gnome. They’d placed the seemingly innocuous objects on the hood of the SUV and stood staring at it with puzzled expressions on their faces.

Matt picked up the black box, and turned it over in his hands. “So this is what caused the carnage, huh?”

“Yes, sir. We found it in one of the bedrooms, along with the gnome. A miss, erm, Superczyński said it is some sort of guidance system.” The burly agent scratched his nose. “Seems highly unlikely, sir.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“It’s just a garden gnome, sir.” He flipped the gnome upside down and stabbed a gloved finger at its underbelly. “Made in China. I’ve got one just like it. They’re selling for $3.99 at Walmart. Sir.”

Matt studied the gnome. The agent was right. It was just a plain old-fashioned plastic gnome. Nothing special about it. He sighed. “Pack this stuff up and take it to the lab. Let’s hope they can figure out what it is.”

“Not so fast!”

The loud voice boomed the length of the street, and Matt closed his eyes in dismay. God. Not that guy. He whirled around, and found himself facing a man dressed like a stock broker, his hair and horn-rimmed glasses just so.

“Aaron. What are you doing here?”

Aaron Chinn stabbed an angry finger at the black box and the gnome. “That’s my stuff, Halloran. What the hell is it doing out here in the middle of nowhere?”

Matt raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Your stuff? You mean to say—”

“This box and this gnome are the property of EYE. So before you get your sweaty little hands all over them, I suggest you think twice and hand them back to their rightful owner.”

Matt decided to stand his ground. It was bad enough he had to work with this pipsqueak, he wasn’t about to take orders from him.

“We confiscated this material from a suspect. We have reason to believe it’s being used to target ASS. Since it’s evidence in a crime, it now belongs to us.”

Aaron’s dark eyes shot fire. “Fat chance. Call Harridan. She’ll tell you not to trample all over—”

“Hey! You!”

Both Matt and Aaron looked up. Yvonne had walked up to them, her hands planted on her hips. She looked both pissed and incredibly sexy, thought Matt.

She pointed at the box. “That box just killed Betty and Bessy. So if it belongs to you, you have some explaining to do, buddy.”

Aaron, who wasn’t used to being addressed with a term quite so familiar, bridled. “Who are you and what the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m Yvonne Assenheimer, and
your
gnome…” For emphasis, she dug her finger into Aaron’s chest. “… killed
my
chickens.” Another jab.

Through gritted teeth, Aaron growled, “Halloran. So help me God, if you don’t get this female out of my face, I’m gonna bust her one.”

Matt displayed a rare smile, and folded his arms across his chest. This, he had to see. “Sorry, Aaron. You’re on your own, buddy.”

Aaron made a half-hearted attempt at grabbing Yvonne’s arm. Five seconds later, Aaron Chinn was lying on the pavement, rubbing his nose and cursing wildly.

“Now tell me, pencil-dick-face,” said Yvonne calmly. “Why did you kill Bessy and Betty?”

“Did this man kill our chickens?” Yvonne’s mom had joined the fray.

The man who Matt called Aaron, crawled to his feet, still clutching his wounded nose. “I didn’t kill any chickens!” He pointed an accusatory finger at Yvonne. “You attacked me!”

“You started it.”

“Look. Let’s all calm down, all right?” Matt had stepped between Yvonne and Aaron, holding up his arms in a gesture of peace. “Aaron didn’t kill your chickens, Mrs. Assenheimer. A man called Grant did.”

“Grant? Oswin Grant?” Aaron frowned. “What makes you think that?”

“We found this box at his house,” Yvonne said.

“Found? What were you doing at his house in the first place?”

“We were, um…” She darted a quick look at Matt, uncertain how much she was allowed to divulge to this man.

“I sent Yvonne and Izzy, who are members of my team, to Grant’s house in the hope of finally figuring out who’s been supplying him with intel.” He lowered his voice. “Grant’s been selling state secrets to the Goriamanese, Aaron. I thought you knew this.”

If Aaron’s expression of absolute surprise was any indication, the man didn’t know anything. “Grant? Selling…” He quickly directed a look at Yvonne’s mom, and Yvonne got the hint.

She took her mother aside, and said, “I think you better go inside now, Mom. Keep an eye on Joe’s men.”

Mom’s eyes darted back to the two men. “Who’s Matt? Is he the handsome one?”

“Um, yes, Mom. He is.”

“I thought so. He’s a policeman, right?”

“Something like that.”

Mom leaned in, and whispered, “You should ask him out on a date, honey. A policeman is a good catch.”

“Thanks for the tip. I’ll see what I can do.”

She gave her mother a peck on the cheek, and watched her disappear inside the house. Amazing how fast Mom picked up on these things, she thought. One minute with Matt, and already she’d singled him out as the future father of her grandchildren. She shook her head as she returned to the small gathering outside.

She’d just joined the troupe when Matt yelled, “What! That’s not possible!”

Aaron stood looking grim-faced. “It is. Grant is one of ours. He’s been working for EYE since its inception. He’s the one who invented the tech, for Christ’s sakes.” He stabbed a finger at Matt. “And your tech, by the way.”

“Our tech? You mean to say Grant—”

“—fathered the ASS software. He’s a brilliant scientist.”

“Then why is he selling all that brilliance to the Goriamanese?”

“He isn’t. He’s selling them something they
think
is our tech. Instead—”

He eyed Yvonne suspiciously.

“You can talk in front of her. She’s one of my top agents.”

Aaron rubbed his nose again. “Right.” He didn’t sound convinced. “Grant’s been feeding the Goriamanese software laced with a Trojan horse. As soon as they implement it into their system, we have access to their entire arsenal. In fact, we almost made the transfer this morning, but something went wrong. Grant ended up in the hospital, and the Goriamanese got killed.” He shook his head, clearly still disturbed about the whole thing. “Someone must have figured out what we were up to and tried to take out Grant.”

Yvonne felt her cheeks burn, while she tried to look as innocently as possible.

“Why didn’t I know about this?” demanded Matt.

“Because it’s none of your business!” roared Aaron.

The two men stood toe to toe, glaring at each other, and Yvonne wondered when they’d start the slugfest. She took a couple of steps back, as she didn’t want to be caught in the middle of a dick measuring contest.

“Well, it’s my business now. Haven’t you heard? We’re in this together, you and I.”

“What? No way!”

“Yes, way. Kathleen Harridan got the word from old man Pyke himself. ASS and EYE are merging.”

Aaron looked as if he was about to explode. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Do I look like a funny guy?”

Yvonne thought he actually did. To her surprise, she’d discovered Matt had a terrific sense of humor. And watching him stare down that annoying Aaron, she felt those familiar jittery feelings in her stomach once again. She just hoped this whole Grant business wouldn’t make him postpone their date. She just couldn’t wait to get to know him a little better.

“For your information, Grant tried to kill two of my best agents just now. And earlier today, he tried to kill me and Kathleen Harridan.”

Aaron looked horrified. “That’s impossible! Grant’s our number one scientist. We only sent him out into the field because the Goriamanese insisted.”

Matt waved his hand in a wide swoop at the Assenheimer house. “Then how do you explain this? One of your drones launched one of your missiles at my agents using your guidance system.” He stared at the black box and the gnome. “At least, that’s what I’m assuming this is.”

Aaron nodded absently, then held up his hand. “Give me a minute to figure this out, Matt. I had no idea…”

He walked away, taking his cell from his pocket.

Meanwhile, Matt gave Yvonne a look of concern. “Are you all right, Yvonne?”

“V. Everyone calls me V so you might just as well do the same.”

“All right. V.” He gave her a weak smile. “Trust me. I’m going to get to the bottom of this. No one attacks my agents and gets away with it. No one.”

The proprietary statement warmed Yvonne’s heart. Here was a man who really watched out for his people, and she liked it. “Thanks, Matt,” she said softly. “And I’m sorry… about everything.”

“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry about?”

She gestured at the box-and-gnome combo. “This.” She pointed at Joe’s nose, which was still swollen. “That! I’ve caused more harm than good in the little time I’ve been working for you, Matt. And I have a confession to make.”

“It’s fine… V. You’re doing just fine.”

“No, I’m not. Look, Izzy and I? We’re garbagewomen. That’s our job. We’re not…” She searched for the right words. “… gun-wielding, bad-guy-stabbing super spies! We’re two ordinary girls, trying to do our best to simply…
survive
, you know.”

He laid a hand on her arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I know that, V. Don’t you think I know who you are? I’ve read your file. I know your history.”

“But—”

“Just relax, all right? Everything’s gonna be all right.”

“But we’re not—”

“It’s fine. Now stop doubting yourself.” He gave her a little shake. “That’s an order.”

She sighed. “Yes, Matt.”

“And now for the most important question.” He eyed her sternly. “And I want you to be honest with me, you hear?”

She swallowed. “I swear I will.”

“Did I hear your mother mention something about… pot roast?”

Matt felt awkward as he put his feet under the table. When he looked up, eight burly men were staring back at him with unwavering attention, and three women. Yvonne, Izzy and her mother, he could cope with, but the eight men appeared hostile. Or perhaps that was just his imagination.