Operation Soulmate (19 page)

      Just as he was leaving, Danny briefly stood in the doorway and turned to face him. He smiled, sympathetically and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Ben, thank you for a wonderful evening,” he said, warmly, “I’ll call you...”

      “Get out!” said Ben, pointing towards the front door. “Get out before I
throw
you out.”

     “Geez,” said Danny, bouncing irrepressibly down the hallway, “I’m the catch here...Just makin’ you look good...”  

Geraldine didn’t expect to hear from Toby again. It was probably a bit too much to expect under the circumstances. And, if she was completely honest with herself, it wasn’t Toby’s jealously but her own guilt over what had happened with Ben that was to blame. Toby wasn’t stupid; he must have unconsciously picked up on some kind of post-cuckolding vibe between her and Ben and become suspicious about the true nature of their relationship. And who could blame him? It wasn’t really suspicion after all, it was fact. She
had
slept with Ben, there
had
been a weird, strung-out chemical vibe between them for days after, and a best friend like Ben - a heterosexual Ben - would probably make most sincere boyfriends feel slightly uneasy, even if he’d lived miles away. Maybe it was just asking too much for any read-blooded alpha male to accept the notion that a woman could actually live with Ben for any prolonged period of time and not at least
think
about the possibility of jumping him, at some point. It was time to move on, draw a line under the whole sordid ordeal and start again, with someone who wasn’t a part of that whole messy episode.

     The next morning, Ben was in the kitchen when she finally emerged, already showered and dressed for work. He was pouring coffee and looking bemused. That was progress, at least.

     “Gerry,” he said, handing her a cup as she sat wordlessly at the table. “I’m honestly okay with what happened last night. Really, I’m over it. I’m not thrilled about it but I’m much more curious to know
why
you felt the need to tell your boyfriend I was gay or, rather, I’m curious to know if
you
know why you did.”

     “Ben, I’ve said I’m sorry; what else do you want me to do? I really don’t want to get into another big analytical showdown just now. Anyway, he’s
not
my boyfriend anymore.”

     “Huh!?”

    “It’s over, I just know it is. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I’ve never seen a man look so disappointed.” Ben tried not to smirk, but Geraldine was just so funny, even when she didn’t mean to be. He was just about to reassure her that it was all going to be okay, when he suddenly remembered his new promise to spend a lot more time fixing
himself
and less time
fixing
her.
He didn’t know what she might expect of him now regarding Operation Soulmate, in light of all these new developments with Toby, but he needed at least a few more days to himself.

     “Whatever happens, now,” he said, “I’m sure it’s going to be for the highest good of all.” Geraldine looked at him suspiciously. What was he talking about? That “highest good of all” thing sounded a bit new-agey for Ben. And he
looked
different. There was definitely something very different about him.

    “Okay.” she said, feeling ever-so slightly fobbed off, and then suddenly remembering she was in a hurry. “Anyway, I’d better go. Be good for me to get in early after the last couple of weeks’ goings-on. See you later hon.”

      As soon as she left, Ben went back to reading his book of twin flame success stories. The way things were going these days, with so many people reaching for higher states of consciousness, he figured it was probably just as well to get the complete higher consciousness take on love and relationships. He was sure it was only a matter of time before his first real client came along asking to be reunited with their twin flame. It was the way things seemed to be going... He tucked the free, Twin-Flame Past-life Regression CD back into the clear, plastic wallet at the front of the book... interesting stuff.

Toby was having trouble concentrating in the staff meeting. He didn’t
want
to be talking about league tables and acronyms and the school-wide uniformity of lesson-plan pro-formas. He wanted to speak to Geraldine. Perhaps he’d been too quick to dismiss his relationship with her. Surely he had to accept some of the responsibility for what had happened, having been so suspicious about her friendship with Ben. That was clearly the only reason she’d felt the need to deceive him. It was almost funny now actually. That poor guy; no wondered he’d looked so puzzled. Toby imagined himself, Danny and Ben having a good, old, laugh about it over some beers, several years from now, when he’d, perhaps, married Geraldine and managed to get her far away from any ambiguous living situations; maybe, somewhere just
outside
London. She’d probably love that anyway. What was he thinking?!!!! But then again, what was Geraldine’s
problem? Why had she felt it
necessary
to invent that ridiculous alibi, if no wrong-doing had been, or was ever
going
to be, committed?

      Perhaps he’d forced her into it. He’d always been a
bit
possessive. He blamed it on his ex-wife. Ever since she’d confessed that she was in love with the school librarian, he’d always been a bit wary in these situations. He ruefully remembered the careless way she’d told him at break time one afternoon, at the beginning of the summer term. He’d had no choice then but to hand in his resignation and move on. From that moment on, he’d proceeded to throw every ounce of his determination and passion - and even a little of his anger - into his new appointment at Stockwell Green, and, in the process, had somehow become an award-winning super-head. What would they all think, all those boards, parents and fellow-teachers, if they knew the secret obsession that had driven him to achieve such great things. In a sense, he almost wanted to thank Jackie now, for everything she’d done for his career, but until recently, he hadn’t been in a very philosophical or thankful place at all...until he’d met Geraldine.

      But surely he still deserved a
proper
apology from her. Sure, she’d
said
she was sorry a couple of times but, in the heat of the moment, he’d been too angry to really take it in. He’d had time to think now and the weekend was upon him. A weekend which suddenly felt depressingly like the weekends he’d somehow plodded through without a date with Gerry to look forward to. He was a fine one to talk anyway. He’d hardly been entirely clear with Indira ...
or
Geraldine about his own dating situation. As far as Indira was concerned, the two of them were, probably, having a full-on relationship.

     It wasn’t so much that he didn’t
trust
Geraldine. After all, she’d convinced him that there was nothing going on between her and Ben, and he believed her... but there was just something about his general proximity that remained...irritating. That and the fact the he so obviously fancied her. But then, what man wouldn’t? The more he thought about it, the more he realised that he’d been a bit unfair towards Geraldine. It wasn’t her fault she was beautiful, and she
had
taken the trouble to explain to him, the circumstances through which she had come to be living with Ben.
And
drawn his attention to the rather ambiguous conversation they’d had that had led to the misunderstanding. Where was his sense of humour?!!! Geraldine hadn’t
really
done anything wrong!
Ben
was the one who had to be carefully monitored. He was, so clearly, just waiting for his moment to pounce.

    Toby decided he hated Fridays with a passion. Why couldn’t school just roll right on through the weekend, leaving no time whatsoever for socialising, complex emotions and modern dating protocol?

    He was just leaving school and enjoying the rare experience of an early finish when
INDIRA
appeared on his screen.

    He sighed before answering. “Hey Indie.”

   “Daaaaaahrling, how are you? What sort of day have you had?” Indira listened sympathetically, as Toby sifted through some of the more interesting details of his day. “      “Mmmm hm. Uh hu...
Ohhhh,
sweeeeeeeetie,” she said, “Sounds to me like you could do with a nice hot meal and a looong, luxurious back-rub.” Toby could almost imagine how amazing Indira’s cooking would taste, even though she’d only ever made him sweets, cookies and cakes so far. And his shoulders
were
actually feeling quite tense, what with all the stresses of work and his recent problems with Geraldine. Of course, he’d always known, somewhere deep inside, that one day Indira would simply catch him in a weak moment, and he’d be powerless to resist her fairly substantial charms and offers of comfort food. He knew that if he let her in even an inch closer, she'd probably completely take over the running of his home life and eventually snag him for good. He didn’t care. At that moment, it was worth the risk. He was tired of the guessing games. He wanted incessant, inappropriate phone calls, predictability and baked goods, and he wanted all emotional decisions to be taken out of his hands once and for all.

     “That sounds like exactly what I need right now.” He said, welcoming refreshing clarity of intent. He sighed deeply and banished from his mind, all thoughts of reconciliation with Geraldine.

Geraldine had felt weird all day. She had no idea what she was feeling weird
about;
it was just a general, amorphous kind of weirdness. The guilt about her encounter with Ben and the subsequent misunderstanding about his sexual orientation had now evaporated completely, so there was nothing left to feel weird about. She'd felt fairly numb when she'd completely ignored an earlier, incoming call from Carl, and had thought for a while that it might be because she was missing Toby, but wasn’t entirely sure. She needed Ben to help her figure it all out, but he’d been peculiarly vague about the whole topic of relationships just recently. She’d thought a couple of times about calling Toby, just to say hi and to maybe apologise again. But, at the last minute, she’d thought better of it.

What was the point when there was probably barely even any chance of a friendship with him. She decided to maybe give the whole dating thing a break for a while, regardless of her impending and now fast-approaching birthday .

    For some reason, she suddenly remembered Ben’s promise to marry her if all else failed, and laughed quietly to herself as she checked the appointments diary to see what the working day might have in store. She could certainly do a lot worse, but that wasn’t the point. Had things really gotten so bad that she was now prepared to accept an offer of marriage, which had simply been made out of pity? How
dare
he offer to marry her out of pity... and how deeply,
deeply
humiliating it all was.

     It was at that moment that Geraldine decided she needed help and she needed it badly. It wasn’t the kind of help that Ben could offer. He was a brilliant coach and certainly had all the necessary skills to help her, but it suddenly dawned on her that for far too long now, she had done absolutely
nothing
to help herself. The break-up with Andrew had obviously had a devastating effect on her confidence with
all
men and she was suddenly forced to admit to herself, right there among the little crystal Angels, that something would have to change, drastically. Some new and dramatic strain of self-healing or self-awareness was going to have to permeate her consciousness if she was ever going be able to truly move on. She’d messed up Operation Soulmate, she’d messed up the whole thing with Toby, she’d almost destroyed her precious friendship with Ben and now she was on the verge of messing up the most important relationship in her life...the strained and tenuous one she had with herself.

     She met Carl, immediately after work, having absent-mindedly agreed to a sort of semi-date with him when he'd called again and caught her between readings while her guard was down and she was feeling altogether more hopeful. She made no effort with her appearance, whatsoever, aside from a quick lipstick touch-up and a squirt of perfume and, as promised by the general lack of enthusiasm she'd experienced during the call, the date felt much more like a friend’s catch-up. It could have been Carl’s easy, laid-back manner, or her recent disappointment over the Toby debacle. It could have been her new resolve to get help or that strange amorphous weirdness she was feeling. It could have been the growing numbness that seemed to penetrate her very being at the just the
thought
of any more button-pressing heart-to-hearts with Ben about where she was going wrong in her love-life... or it could have simply been the general disenchantment she felt at the thought of going on any more dates, with anyone else...
ever
again!!

     Whatever it was, Geraldine found herself thinking about past-life therapy all evening, instead of concentrating on some of the clearly gripping stuff Carl was sharing with her about his recent trip to The Sudan. She suddenly felt as if she’d heard everything before, said in every possible way, pouring out from secretly cynical mouths like flavourless honey, from overworked hives ...received by equally jaded old ears. She wanted new ears now: new ears and new, innocent eyes through which she could once again truly see the world and its inhabitants for the essentially beautiful things they were. She demanded right then, before it was too late, the ears and eyes of a woman who could surrender completely to the beauty and mystery of pure, unadulterated and unconditional Twin Flame love, and who, by the truest and most natural laws of attraction, would then inevitably draw to her side, a wonderful man who was able to do the same. Her life now depended on it. Her soul cried out for it, and her heart, surely, deserved to know that it was still possible.