Operation Soulmate (23 page)

      Cassia sighed along with Geraldine, as the absolute weight of Charlotte’s inertia and despair began to seep into the room and, for a second, threatened to take over. “Okay, Emily,” she said, whisking the room away from the desperation. “Can you fast forward now to the end of this life and tell me how it concludes Charlotte...”

      Geraldine shuddered as she tried to shake off the general feeling of damp and disillusionment. “It’s cold and dark,” said Charlotte. “My room is always so cold and ...so dark. I’m still young! I need the light!! My spirit seems to call itself away into the light. I’m sick. Some say I will die of a broken heart. I am coughing and wheezing all day long. My body defeats me daily. My chest hurts. I’m like an old woman, and yet I am only in my twenty-fifth year... I
want
to die. I think I shall die of  broken heart.. I shall simply close my eyes and never open them again. There’s no love here for me.” Geraldine felt all of the lights around her slowly going out, for one last time, as sweet peace descended upon Charlotte and she allowed herself to be drawn into the light of infinite love.

     This time when she regained full consciousness, Geraldine wanted to talk. There was no way she could just walk out into the world, still carrying that horrible, numb sadness around with her. She needed to process it...now, as Geraldine. Cassia listened intently, as she   talked about her relationship with Toby, her passionate encounter with Ben, her soulmate yearnings and her recent dream. Cassia smiled and nodded sympathetically, as she continued adding to her notes, while Geraldine poured out a life-time of ambivalence and paradoxical desperation over her thwarted love-life. When she finished speaking, Cassia leaned forward and said quietly...

     “Geraldine, something important is definitely beginning to surface, here: Something very reassuring and wonderful, about your potential to love deeply and to surrender completely, to that love. Trust it ...and let’s continue to go forward without attachment, and just see where that bright, new possibility leads us.” Geraldine smiled and nodded contentedly. Cassia smiled and rounded off the session with a couple of belief-change exercises and a grounding visualisation, and when the session was over, she stood up to open the door for Geraldine. She gazed at her for a moment, and said. “Geraldine, I have a sense that our next session is going to be a very important one. Have a wonderful week, and be good to yourself.” 

    Geraldine, almost skipped out of the therapy-centre and decided to spend the rest of the week getting very serious about having some fun. Lightness and fun, were definitely what she needed, what her
soul
needed, what Charlotte deserved, and what Patrick
should
have spent his childhood enjoying, instead of polishing rifles. And she was going to make sure they all had some...immediately! She started by taking herself to the cinema on the way home, and deciding spontaneously to just watch anything that sounded even vaguely funny. She had a great time, eating popcorn, and throwing her head back, laughing uproariously at a hilarious farce about a funeral.

      On the way home, she mentally re-affirmed that her birthday would
definitely
be a small gathering of just her closest friends: a maximum of eight... including Ben. She even toyed with the idea of just having a very quiet, contemplative, solo celebration, something thoughtful and maybe a bit ceremonial but she knew Ben would probably never let her get away with that. For some unknown reason, she suddenly wondered whether he still remembered the small-print in the Operation Soulmate deal, and whether there was any chance he still had the same ideas about marrying her if no one else would. When would be a good time to broach the subject and let him off the hook? Thank God she’d never taken his offer completely seriously.
Yes,
she still wanted to be married... more than ever, but not just for the sake of it! Not to just anyone who'd have her! Hadn’t she just seen in her own regression, exactly what the
wrong
kind of marriage - a marriage of convenience - could do to everyone concerned? Surely Ben deserved more than that...and so did she.

     She had to find a gentle way to let him know she didn’t think it was such a good idea. That with this new awareness of her soul's history, it was incumbent on her to ensure that all of her romantic affairs should be conducted from the highest level integrity possible. Poor Ben, he’d probably be
so
relieved. Right there and then, she lovingly released Ben from Operation Soulmate and from any other ties or regrets the two of them might share, across all directions of time and space. He was the most treasured friend she had ever had, and that kind of friendship was worth preserving and protecting at all costs.

     When she returned home, she was surprised to find that Ben had waited up for her. He was sitting at the kitchen table looking sad. She hated to see him looking sad. He looked up at her and simply said.

     “Gerry, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you but ...I just didn’t know how to until now. There’s just no way I can put it off any longer. It wouldn’t be fair...”

She stared at him, blinking back completely irrational tears. Something felt very wrong...yet deeply familiar. As if it had happened a million times before in way that she could neither explain nor understand. She’d never even seen Ben look unhappy before.

She sat down in the chair opposite and prepared for a body-blow. “I’m leaving.” He said, decisively, “I’m going to live in New York. The thing is, G, I’ve met someone, and I’ve been offered work there and... well... it just seemed like a good time to be moving on, you know, starting a new chapter in my life...I’m so sorry, Gerry.”

      Geraldine stared, open-mouthed and bewildered, hardly able to take in what was happening. She stared a lot longer, hoping that if she stared at him long enough something might change; perhaps he’d break into a smile and say “Ha-ha, got ya.” Okay, it would have been an unusually cruel joke for him, but she would have forgiven him instantly, just from the sheer relief of it not being true anymore. But it
was
true. Ben was leaving her. Ben
had
finally found someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved, someone who was apparently worth travelling half way across the world for. And Geraldine was going to be left truly, completely and utterly alone.

If Geraldine had thought she’d have trouble getting used to the idea of Ben leaving, the discovery that he would be leaving in less than a week came as an even bigger shock.
That
was the body-blow, right there. A week just wasn’t long enough. Not long enough for him to realise what a mistake he was making, not long enough for someone to offer him a better and more lucrative set of assignments in London, not long enough for him to realise he just
couldn’t
leave, not when it really came down to it. Ben was going and there was absolutely nothing she, or anyone else, could do to stop him.

      The following morning when Ben went clothes-shopping for his new, international assignments (and undoubtedly his new girlfriend) Geraldine sat alone for hours, staring into space and wondering about 'her'. Who was she, and where had she come from so suddenly?!!! She couldn’t face anyone or anything, so she simply called in sick - which wasn't far from the truth at all, as she did actually feel physically sick whenever she thought of Ben leaving. She was torn between being genuinely happy for him, being completely selfish about keeping him in her life, and just wanting to be rid of the horrible feeling of futility that was growing in the pit of her stomach, at the thought of losing him forever. In the end, it was being happy for him that won by a hair's breadth. She knew that any kind of relationship success had been a long time coming for Ben, and he truly deserved to be free to enjoy it.

      The days that followed were clearly a mad rush for Ben. He didn’t seem to have time for anything except packing, and was being particularly evasive about his new mystery woman. All Geraldine had managed to glean from his generally vague responses, so far, was that he’d met her on his trip to New York, her name was Lena, and she was a physiotherapist from Queens. That was all she knew about the woman who was suddenly taking Ben away from her.

      As she sat trying to piece together the events of the past few weeks, it all began to make sense. He’d been so preoccupied and so...
different
....so... detached, somehow. And all of those hushed phone-calls. No wonder he’d been so secretive about his love-life. Geraldine smiled ruefully.
Good for him,
she thought,
fighting the strangest feelings of biting resentment, and continuing to smile, joylessly
, good for him
.

    Apparently, he didn’t have an address, as yet, so most of his things were going into a storage unit until he figured out where he was going to settle. He planned to stay in a hotel until he found somewhere to live or decided it was the right time to move in with Lena, but he told Geraldine that, at least for the time being, he could be reached by email. He insisted he’d call her as soon as he felt more settled.

     By the time he actually left, Geraldine was a complete wreck. The final straw and the thing that had inexplicably depressed her most was when Ben, himself, asked to be released from the more personal terms of Operation Soulmate! That conversation had been particularly galling for some reason. Not even Ben was prepared to marry her now...even as a favour. Well, okay, it
was
a fairly big favour to ask, now that he was probably already thinking of marrying Lena at some point. The whole thing was obviously one of those whirlwind courtships, with soulmate-ish overtones, so who knew
where
it might lead? Maybe this Lena was even
his
twin flame! Geraldine sighed and suddenly felt as if she’d been sighing for a lifetime.
When
was all the sighing going to
end
!!???

     When the fateful day finally arrived and she waved him off in his cab and closed the door behind her, she felt swallowed up in the aloneness. He’d even managed to sell his car. Even his car had left a great, big, gaping space on the driveway. She wandered, absent-mindedly, into his room and stood gazing around at the emptiness, sighing deeply as she plopped herself down onto his bed and ran her hands across the pillow, allowing some unnamed feeling to engulf her for a second or two. She sniffed bravely and got up to look inside his wardrobe, for no apparent reason. It smelled of pine sawdust ...and Ben. 

     Sunday was agony. Geraldine, spent most of the day just sitting around alone, knowing she would never again hear the familiar sound of Ben’s key turning in the lock, or his bunch of keys clattering joyfully onto the kitchen table. She would never again smell coffee brewing when her eyes first opened in the morning and know he’d be there in the kitchen, with rolled up sleeves and crazy hair, poring over a coaching manual. She'd never again catch him observing her skilfully, with a wistful smile and a generously filled cup, as she chatted about the previous day's events or her latest dating dilemma. She’d never see his face reappearing in the kitchen five minutes after leaving, as he returned to collect his phone....or keys... or files or something else he'd forgotten in his gleeful rush to greet the world. She’d never smell his hair again, or hear him coaching in the next room. She tortured herself with images of the times they’d spent together, their little rituals, their silly spats, their take-away nights in, their deep and soulful connection, his eyes, his smile, his touch...

      Her mind began to play tricks on her. At one point, she thought she’d
heard
that familiar clatter of keys, and rushed out into the kitchen, only to find ghosts of him, and a deeper chasm of loneliness that she had ever known. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, she was grateful that her session on Monday night would bring her out of herself, literally. Perhaps she could find Ben somewhere in a previous incarnation, one in which they’d remained close friends until the very end.

     Work the following Monday was mercifully insane, with too much intense busyness to allow her to even think about Ben, or herself, or the silent flat she would be returning to later that night. She felt sheer relief when she walked into Cassia’s office and slumped onto her couch with such force that Cassia insisted she talk it out before they started the work. Geraldine sat sniffing quietly as she went into greater detail about the entire story of her relationship with Ben: the way they’d met, the connection they’d shared, the fact that Ben had now left to live in America with some woman he hardly knew, and the horrible pain and regret she now felt.

     Cassia sat listening, carefully, and eventually said, “Geraldine, I’m sensing that there could be a lot more to your friendship with Ben than you’ve perhaps been willing to admit so far.” Geraldine stopped sniffing and watched Cassia warily. “I'm noticing that there’s something very familiar about the way you’re feeling about Ben’s sudden departure.

And I’m just wondering whether you might have noticed how consistent these feelings are with some of the themes we’ve explored in your previous sessions?” Geraldine nodded, ruefully.  “... themes of loss, thwarted love, remorse and self-reproach. It all seems be showing us a very persistent and repetitive pattern. But there does, also, seem to be another thread running counter to these feelings of desperation: The enduring and seemingly redemptive quality of your love for Ben... And I'm wondering whether you’d be willing to explore
that
thread with me?”
      Geraldine suddenly felt naked as she sat there on the couch feeling dejected and exposed in all her raw truth, preparing to bare her soul, once again. She could sense that there was something potentially frightening and inherently dangerous about her connection with Ben throughout the ages, however, she also knew that whatever Cassia was about to say, was the key to something she would have to face if she was ever going to find the peace she longed for. She nodded again and smiled weakly in an attempt to show that she understood, and was ready to handle whatever came next.

    “I’ve noticed that in both of the lifetimes we’ve explored... and, indeed, even in this current lifetime, Ben has been with you as an intimate ally, the only person who is ever allowed to see you as you really are. And I wonder whether your unconscious mind is ready to release some of the memories that might fill in the gaps in this on-going story ....the story of Geraldine and Ben.” She said, smiling compassionately. Geraldine nodded again, without thinking. It was time.

    “Yes,” she said, without reservation. “Yes, that feels right.” Cassia smiled.

Geraldine felt more ready for this journey than she’d ever been for anything else, ever. She could already almost feel the centuries colliding within her, as a world of Ben and Geraldine slowly drifted through her mind’s orbit. She
had
to let it happen. She had to ‘go there.’ She had surely, now,
been
everywhere else, skirting around the issue, skirting around Ben, probably for an eternity. On some deeper level, perhaps she’d always known her journey would eventually lead her to this moment.

    Ben’s love called her compellingly into the trance, and she followed obediently. She found herself standing in the middle of another clearing, this time somewhere in West Africa. She could see that she was surrounded by happy faces, and even though she did her best to join in with the festivities, once again, she was sad inside.

     Cassia’s voice came rippling through the clearing, “What can you see?” she asked gently.

     “I’m watching a ceremony...it’s a wedding. Someone is getting married, and I know it should be me, but I don’t have the courage.”

     “Courage?”

    “Yes, the king wants me for his wife, but I am too afraid to have him, and so he is marrying another woman and I must stand and watch.”

    “That sounds very sad...” Geraldine nodded again, and sighed deeply. She was having trouble containing all that sadness, and could feel a single tear running down her cheek.  “Can you tell me your name,” said Cassia.

     “Desta,” said Geraldine, immediately straightening her back, lengthening her neck, and assuming an air of quiet strength, power and dignity, “It means
happiness
...Isn’t that funny?” Cassia smiled sadly. “My beloved is called Bekele, it means
he has come into being.
Isn’t it beautiful?”

    “Yes, it is very beautiful...  Desta, I wonder...can you tell me a bit more about where you are ...and why you don’t have the courage to be with Bekele?”

     Geraldine, in her new embodiment as Desta, nodded slowly. “We are both dignitaries of the Kush Empire. We are respected for our gifts and our wisdom. It is our custom that the tallest, most handsome and most gifted dignitary should become king and so, my beautiful Bekele was chosen from among those who served the old king, to become his successor. I am a medicine woman. I know all of the plants and all of their powers, I know when to grow them and when to harvest them to catch them at their greatest potency. I heal the sick and make beautiful things happen to the wise and just... the rest I leave alone. I tell the king when the stars will draw him into battle, and when they advise him to retreat. Mostly I tell him that all is peaceful and calm in the world, because this is how I
want
the world to be. And usually, I am right. There is never any war in our province. I am a good advisor.”

     Cassia smiled and gasped a little. “It sounds like a beautiful life,” she said, “But can you tell me more about why you’re not marrying the man you love?” Confusion flashed across Geraldine’s face for a moment, for a very long time, Desta was silent. Then, finally, she spoke ...   “I, I don’t know...Perhaps it is because I love him
too
much. Too deeply; I fear that kind of love. In the end it can only bring pain. Better to marry a man you
like
, a simple man with fewer virtues who can satisfy your need for company and make you feel safe in your bed at night. I cannot marry a man I love as much as Bekele. In the end, that love will destroy us both...”

   “I see,” said Cassia. She inhaled deeply and Geraldine did the same, as they both allowed a moment to pass, so that Desta's huge, dignified and deeply unhappy presence could come fully into the room. “Desta, can you look around you and see whether Geraldine would recognise anyone you know... from
her
lifetime? Is that alright?” Geraldine gasped as she stared into the eyes of the groom and saw Ben, looking confused and rejected, on what should have been the happiest day of his life...Cassia saw that Desta was weeping, again, and decided to press on.

    “Desta, can you tell me about the woman Bekele is marrying?”

   “Yes, she is our friend. We are all good friends. She will make him a good wife. She is funny and knows how to make him laugh when he is sad. It will take away the sting of the pain. I chose her for him. It is our custom. If a woman rejects a man, she must choose him a more suitable bride. So you see, I have chosen both our fates, so that we can both be happy and kept out of danger.”

     “I see,” said Cassia, “And the bride you’ve chosen for Bekele ... is she someone Geraldine would know ...in this lifetime?” Geraldine grinned, as she suddenly found herself looking into Brogan’s mischievous eyes. Cassia could sense that there might be just a little too much of Geraldine’s consciousness coming back into the room. “...Desta, just notice what you've seen, and remember it for later. I'd like you go to the end of this lifetime and tell me how it concludes.”

    She watched carefully, as Desta’s disheartened shoulders slumped forward. “My life has been wasted,” she said melodramatically. “I have married a man I do not love, and now I have lost my gift, because my whole life has been one, big, lie. I should have married Bekele. I should have been with him, and then none of this would have happened...Bekele has walked away from the crown and from our village, because he cannot bear to look upon me anymore, and I am to blame for our loss of a great king. The people are calling me a witch; they say I have bewitched him to make him go away. Now I must be punished; I must die. I must walk into the sea and give my life back to the Ocean god: he who rules the moon, the stars and the waves; he who brought me my gift... because now it is worthless.” Cassia sat listening and waiting for the tears to come, but there were none. Desta delivered her pronouncement as if it was the most natural and fair outcome in the world, and walking into the sea in front of a crowd of angry villagers was something she did every day. There was no self-pity, only remorse. And, once again, another lifetime was concluded with the wrong kind of remorse...“I always knew that my love for Bekele would, one day, kill me and destroy us both... and I was right.”