Operation Soulmate (22 page)

    “I know,” she said, “I know... ” Geraldine waited until Andrew quietly left the conversation, before doing the same herself. After staring into space for what seemed like hours but turned out to be just a few minutes, she released long, shuddering sigh and went to sit in a quiet meditation. She could feel how the powerful effects of her regression were beginning to affect every aspect of her consciousness, and she wanted to fully integrate those changes at all levels. When her meditation was over, she went on a bit of a phoning spree, thanking every one she loved for some aspect of their loving support over the years. She thanked Brogan for being such a great friend, she thanked her mum for her life and for always loving her and looking out for her, she wanted to thank the take-away delivery services for delivering all that lovely food over the years, but something stopped her.  She was about to call it a night when she suddenly decided that there was a deep and urgent need for, perhaps, just one more call.

     She listened as Toby’s phone rang incessantly and was just about to give up when a woman’s voice purred seductively into her ear, “Helloooooooa... Toby’s phone” it said, throatily...

     “Oh! ...OH!!!...” said Geraldine, her mind suddenly refusing to do the necessary processing required for continuing verbal coherence. Surely it wasn’t possible was it?? That Toby had found someone else already!!! Of all the possibilities she’d run through in her mind before calling, this was the one thing she
hadn’t
expected.

     “Hellooooa...?” The voice said again, sounding slightly less seductive now. It was probably best not to jump to conclusions. Some women just
had
voices like that, and
always
sounded a bit purr-y, whatever the context. It didn’t necessarily mean they’d just been doing it! She could be Toby’s Aunt or his Mum... There
are
mums and aunts who sound like that these days.

     “Hello,” she said, continuing heroically, “Can I speak to Toby please?”

     “Oh, Toby’s taking a bath at the moment. I’ll see if he can take the call. Daaaaaahrling, there’s someone on the phone...do you want me to give it to you?”

    Geraldine couldn’t help thinking it actually sounded as if she probably already had! She could hear splashing noises, as Toby seemed to be rushing to get out of the tub, followed the sound of his voice mumbling something about not having asked anyone to answer his phone for him. Geraldine had heard everything she needed to hear. Toby had spectacularly moved on.
Good for him
, she thought,
good for good, old Toby
.

    “It, it’s okay. Never mind, it's nothing urgent...” she said into the phone, before quickly ending the call, and tossing it onto sofa.

Toby was
so,
not the one.

Geraldine didn’t get a chance to speak to Ben properly about her regression experience or her new thoughts about having a very quiet birthday. She went to bed very early, not long after she’d heard him shout out that he was off to karate. She quickly descended into a deep sleep, which was filled with lucidity and strangeness. She dreamed she was walking by the sea, feeling sad and alone, kicking pebbles and occasionally stopping to gaze at its wild and foamy immensity. Suddenly, she became aware of a figure in the distance, a beautiful man with an almost Angelic quality about him.

      As he came closer, she thought he seemed familiar. She gasped as she looked into his deep, turquoise eyes. At first it was almost impossible to distinguish between the colour of his eyes and the colour of the roaring ocean, eyes which also created an alarming effect when coupled with his jet black hair. He wore a long white robe, which was pulled in at his waist with a highly decorated belt festooned with crystals and gemstones. He too looked so sad that Geraldine almost wanted to cry. She knew immediately that she was in love with this man, and she didn’t know
how
she knew, but she also knew with every iota of her consciousness that this man ...was her twin flame. She stared into his eyes and tried to employ the trick she had picked up in her regression session, to figure out whether he was anyone she already knew in this lifetime, but just as she was beginning to piece assemble a
name
to go with the weird recognition she felt, he turned away.

     “You’re not ready to see me yet.” He said, as she reached out to him with tears in her eyes. “Come and find me soon, because without your love I’m wasting away. My soul is starving for lack of belief in human love.”

     “Are you an Angel?” She asked him, completely caught up in the otherworldly magic and beauty of him. “You’re
my
Angel. I can feel it. We belong together, don’t we?"

     “You're my Angel too," he said. "I am the other half of your soul. I am your Angel and you are mine. I am the passion that burns within you, longing to be quenched. I am with you at the beginning and the end, the start and the finish. Open your heart Geraldine, and let me fly in..”

      She woke up with tears streaming down her face, the longing welling up inside her again: The longing to touch him, to feel his arms around her, to know him in the flesh. Who was this beautiful man? How could anyone or any
thing
so beautiful and so perfect even exist on Earth!? Surely, she would never be able to find him on Earth!! Surely, he was destined to remain a dream lover, a beatific inhabitant of the Angelic realm. And
how
was she supposed to open her heart to him?! What more could she reasonably be expected to do!!? She was almost certain that this sublime encounter had happened as the result of the regression, which had undoubtedly already began stirring her unconscious mind into a rapid awakening. She was deeply saddened by the distance and the incompletion of the encounter, and, yet, it had felt so real, so perfect... such a perfect, perfect love... Geraldine tried to get back into the dream, to force her consciousness back onto the beach where she might find him again. But it resisted wilfully, It was too late; her mind was too restless now, filled with thoughts of him, and wondering who and where he might be on the Earth plane. She reluctantly awoke, and tried to compensate herself with the fact that at least he
did
exist...whichever dimension he might be in.

      On the bright side, it
must
mean that her recent commitment to do something to help herself, was bringing her closer to her twin flame. She also knew that things that happened in the dream state that were so extraordinary and lucid were often a precursor to something of a similar theme occurring in reality at some point. Particularly those dreams that were just too real to simply be dreams. She knew that they were almost certainly
not
dreams, but adventures, journeys into other dimensions in which the veils and the barriers that kept two people apart in their waking hours, no longer existed. Where time, space, reality and matter simply
didn’t
matter and love’s ineffable truth was the only truth left standing. Geraldine felt sure that if such an intense encounter with her twin flame was only a whisper away from where she now lay longing for his touch in the afterglow, it would simply be unjust for him
not
to be simply days away from entering her physical reality....

     The rest of the week dragged on as she eagerly anticipated her next session. And when she finally walked into Cassia’s cosy office, she felt almost overwhelmed with excitement about what might be waiting to be revealed in the impending regression. They talked briefly about her revelations and healing since their previous meeting, and Cassia warmly congratulated Geraldine and celebrated her new and tentative re-introduction to her innocently loving being. She also reminded her that the path she was on, although not entirely easy, was absolutely the most honourable path one could step onto in any, given lifetime.

     “As we peel away at the invisible layers of self, of the
illusion
of who, or what, we are, and begin to reveal the essential truth, we gift everyone around us with the same opportunity. Simply by operating at this level of self-awareness, and striving for the very best and brightest within
ourselves
, we become sparkling jewels which bring out the best and brightest in everyone who blesses us with their presence in our lives. And in that way, Geraldine, we do,
indeed,
make the world a better place. This is invisible work! Only the brave and fearless can walk this way, those who are content to work underground, in secret and without visible reward. It’s the path of the true mystic, the master, an alchemist of the soul: to uplift the hearts and souls of all, from the quietness within, where no one else can see, or truly appreciate the golden gifts we bring. But we do it, nevertheless, for ourselves and for humanity....for love. And that is the mark and the magic of a true Bodhisattva.” Geraldine smiled as she absorbed the beauty of what Cassia was saying. She took in the many statues of The Buddha that peacefully decorated her office, and sighed contentedly. She couldn’t help feeling a bit guilty though, knowing that she was primarily there for her own selfish reasons. The loneliness, the desperate search for true love, the emptiness... surely, simply wanting to end the pain didn’t make her any kind of a Buddha, just deeply, deeply human and flawed ...and still very, very single.

      When Cassia asked her to relax back into the chair, however, and she briefly glanced at the large Buddha sitting on her desk, she felt a peace and calm radiating all over her body and knew without a doubt that she’d spent countless lifetimes embracing those very same Divine aspiration through the ‘quietness within.’ For the remainder of
this
lifetime, however, if she had any choice whatsoever in the matter, it was going to be all about the love: the sweet, beautiful, natural, unashamed, one to one, intimate love between a woman and a man;  the kind of love that would allow her to embrace the Divine in a
different
way: by enlivening the higher-heart, and
not
by stilling the mind.

     This time the induction process seemed much quicker and easier, and after what seemed like just a few minutes of narration from Cassia, Geraldine found herself standing next to a man in a church, wearing a full bridal gown and holding a bouquet of pink lilies.

     “Where are you?” said Cassia, her serene, unruffled, and slightly disembodied, voice travelling into the scene like a ghost from another world.

     “I’m standing in a church. I ... I think I’m getting married...”

     “Okay, that sounds interesting...can you
see
who the man is standing next to you, the one you’re about to marry?” Geraldine looked up at the man standing next to her. He was tall, slim and slightly austere-looking. She gasped as she looked into his eyes. From under the somewhat sober expression, Toby’s eyes smiled back at her with such love. Geraldine smiled as she lay there on the couch, and shared what she’d seen. She could tell from her tone that Cassia was smiling. She seemed to be happy for her.

     “And do you know what your names are, in this lifetime?”

     “Yes, I’m Charlotte, and my new husband-to-be is Sir William Whittaker, of the Devonshire Whittakers.”

     “You must be very, very happy Emily.” Geraldine was silent for a while as she took in the full, Regency opulence and splendour all around her. Then, without warning, Charlotte began sniffing delicately.

     “No. No, I’m not,” she said. “I’m only marrying William because it’s what my father wants for me. I’m not in love with him. I’m going to have a sad, dreary and completely passionless marriage and there’s nothing I can do about it.” she added, between desperate little sniffs.

     “
Why
can’t you do anything about it, Charlotte? Would you be willing to share that with me, now?”

     “Because it would destroy my father! He has debts you see, big debts.. to some very bad people, and my marriage to William is the only thing that can save him now. I can help him you see. William is a very wealthy man. He’s a respected member of the community... Everyone says what a wonderful husband he’ll make...He’ll take care of
me
and I’ll take care of father. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m sure I’ll be well-cared-for.” Charlotte took a few deep breaths, stopped sobbing and stiffened her shoulders with emotional containment.

     “Okay, Charlotte, I want you to look around the church and see if there’s anyone there that Geraldine would recognise from this lifetime. Is that alright with you?”

     Charlotte /Geraldine nodded and stared around at some of the happy faces in the packed church. She could sense that Charlotte’s father was standing nearby, and glanced over in his direction only to see Andrew staring back at her...again. She looked around to see who her mother might have been, and was surprised to find that it was her mother in this lifetime. No wonder she’d taken an instant disliking towards Andrew. Geraldine smiled to herself. Her mother had always felt like the most perfect and natural mother to her; they’d always been close, and now she knew why. She couldn’t help wondering where Ben was in this lifetime, but there was no sign of him anywhere in the church. Carl was there as her younger brother, sitting in a little page-boy suit and looking generally bored with the proceedings. Brogan was their local, parish clergyman, who was now placing two rings onto the bible. Geraldine wanted to laugh. Brogan had certainly rewritten the book on
that
lifetime. Cassia, sensing her attention wandering, decided to re-focus Geraldine and move things along.

   
“Charlotte,” she said, “I’d like you to move ahead in this lifetime to an event that might be important for Geraldine to remember.”

     Charlotte nodded, impatiently. She seemed to have a slightly irritable personality in this lifetime.

     “Oh NO!” she said, gasping and squirming slightly, as the scene began to change around her. “It’s my husband, he’s home early; he’s going to find us.”

Cassia listened, as Charlotte told her the story of how unhappy and bored she’d become in her loveless, marriage to William, and how, at first, she’d started writing a journal to keep her mind busy and her imagination alive. Then the tedium had become too much for her and she had begun to fill her days with a succession of lovers instead. Her current passion, Jonathan, the gardener’s eldest son, was the first man she had ever truly allowed herself to fall in love with, and at that precise moment, he was just unfastening her corset when they heard doors slamming downstairs. “Oh, God, it’s awful,” she continued, almost delirious “This is going to end very badly; I just know it is, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it! William is a very jealous man! I’m sure he knows about my indiscretions, but to be
confronted
with one in this way will simply be too much for him.”

     “Okay, Charlotte, this feels very important. I know this might be hard for you, but can you tell me if Jonathan is someone Geraldine knows, someone she’d recognise from this lifetime?" Geraldine took a deep breath, summoned up all her powers of concentration and looked into the eyes of her lover, the only man who had ever truly made Charlotte come alive. For a moment, it was as if the world stood still and also held its breath, until suddenly, she almost laughed when she saw Ben’s beautiful twinkly eyes staring back at her with deep concern, from Jonathan’s panic-stricken face. “It’s Ben,” she said, through barely repressed giggles of sheer mortification. So it wasn’t the first time she’d been tempted to explore the mysterious atmosphere on Planet Ben.                   

    “Okay Charlotte, I want you to fast-forward slightly and tell me what happens next.” Geraldine tried to steady her breathing, as she explained the scene unfolding all around her. 

    “William has discovered us together and is threatening to get his old military rifle to shoot Jonathan ...or me...or both of us. No...wait! He’s leaving the house. But I need to see him...I need to explain... He’s gone for hours and when he returns, Jonathan has gone too, and I’m still here... waiting for him ...to shout at me, scream at me
anything
, anything to end the shallow numbness of this horrible, dull existence. He looks so hurt... but he doesn’t talk about it. He just carries on as normal, as if nothing has happened. I’m lost, so lost inside. I am wracked with remorse, but even that kind of passion has no outlet in this insane marriage. I want him to punish me, scold me, throw me out into the street, with at least my dignity in tact, but he says and does nothing. I wish he would kill me, but that would be much, more than I deserve. I am wretched, and now I must live with my guilt and carry on being the dutiful wife in public, and the lonely house-frau in private. William won’t even touch me anymore. It’s horrible. But I shall take no more lovers. I have no more feelings; There’s no love in me now...Perhaps there never was...”