Out of Mind (14 page)

“You don’t,” I said quickly, not giving up on him. I couldn’t. “I know you, Finn. This isn’t you.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “Stop being like this.”

He yanked the cabinet open. “Ah, but you’re wrong. This
is
me now, Carrie, and it isn’t changing. The problem is, neither are you. Which is why…” He hesitated, his knuckles white on the handle. “Th-This isn’t working anymore.”

I gasped, unable to believe what he was saying. What he was
doing
.

And then, oh God, then I realized what I was thinking of when he’d reminded me of something earlier. The way he was looking at me right now, all cold calculation and separated, it reminded me of when we’d first met…

Before he loved me.

Finn

She gasped behind me, and the pain she felt right now sliced through me. I’d swear it did.
You have to stop hurting her if you love her
. That’s what Dad had said before he died. It was time I did what he’d asked. I’d been selfishly keeping Carrie at my side, treating her like shit the whole time.

It was time to admit that I wasn’t getting better anytime soon. I was hurting her constantly, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d been ignoring it up until now, but seeing that bruise on her face? Well, I couldn’t fucking ignore that. I always swore I’d leave her before I’d hurt her. It was time to follow through on that promise.

“Finn, don’t do this to me. You didn’t even know it happened,” she whispered, her voice broken and shaken.

I closed my eyes, pain ripping through me. “Is that supposed to make it better? That I was so fucked up I didn’t even realize the person I love more than life itself was hurting?”

“It’s not like that,” she said, her voice growing stronger with each word. “You were upset. Anyone would have—”

I slammed my hand down on the bar. From the corner of my eye, I saw her jump. Good. Maybe if I scared her more, she’d finally give up on me. I’d already given up on myself. “Anyone would
not
have done what I did. I’m not fucking normal, Carrie. I’m a mess, and all I can think about at any given time of day is drinking, pain pills, or
dying
. That’s all I care about anymore.”

“You care about me. Don’t pretend like you don’t. You can say it all you want, but I’ll see it for what it is. Another fucking lie.” She glared at me. “I can’t help you if you refuse to help yourself.”

Good. She was mad. When she cursed, I knew she was pissed.

“You’re right. You can’t, so stop trying to.” I set down a glass and filled it with whiskey. I didn’t even want the drink, but I had to make a point. Had to show her that right now, I wasn’t capable of being saved. She needed to physically see it to believe it. Lifting it up, I toasted her. “That’s why I’m letting you go.”

She watched me as I downed the whole fucking drink in one swig, her cheeks flushing. Then her gaze snapped back to mine, flashing fire. “You don’t get to
decide
what’s best for me. You don’t get to
let me go
. I get a say, damn it. And fuck you for thinking I don’t. I’m not walking away because you think you’re too scary for me. You’re not. You’re just being an asshole.”

“I know I am, damn it.” I laughed harshly, letting all my frustration and anger out on her. Because even though I knew this was the right thing to do, it was killing me. This conversation hurt more than the IED or the broken arm, or even my father dying. It. Fucking. Hurt. “Jesus, Carrie, do you see me right now? Do you even fucking see me?”

“
Yes!
I’ve never
stopped
seeing you. Never stopped loving you. I’ve been here, with you, this whole time!” She stalked across the room and shoved my shoulder. “And what do I get for it? This! You giving up on yourself. On us.”

I twisted my lips into a poor imitation of a smile. “Yeah, well, that’s me. I’m an asshole. It’s how I was before you, and now I’m back to my old ways. Get used to it.”

She came closer, her eyes shining with tears and anger. So much anger. She looked like she was going to hit me again, and I wanted her to, because I deserved it so damn much. But she stopped short. “You’re upset and not thinking clearly. You need to put away the drink and go to bed. In the morning—”

“I’ll feel exactly the same.” I met her eyes, squaring my shoulders. It was time to really hurt her, and I didn’t want to. But if I could hurt her this one last time, she would be better off. Free of the emotional wreck I was. It was time to help her be happy again, because I never would be. “I can’t love you like this, and you can’t love me like this.” I paused, gathering up the nerve to say, “I don’t love you anymore, Carrie.”

She gasped and covered her mouth. I immediately wanted to take the words back. “Wh-What? Don’t say that if you don’t mean it. Don’t you dare say it again.”

Of course I didn’t
mean
it, but I’d say it anyway. I had to, for her. “I. Don’t. Love. You. Anymore. We’re done.”

Tears poured out of her eyes, and she shoved me backward. I stumbled this time, welcoming the pain it sent shooting up my arm. “You’re only saying that because you refuse to help yourself. You’re giving up. Lying to me again. We swore—”

“I swore a lot of things.” I forced a cocky grin. It hurt. “I lied to you, plain and simple. It’s what I do. But I’m not lying now. This isn’t about giving up. It’s about letting go. We’re over. The love is gone.”

“Finn…” she whispered, broken and hurt. “I don’t believe you.”

I poured another drink, hating myself for every single drop that went into it. Hating myself because I’d let it get to this. Let it go this far, when I should have never let her fall in love with me in the first place. We were fucking doomed from the start, and I’d known it. I’d just chosen to ignore it. Now, I was even more fucked up than before.

She deserved better, damn it.

“Yeah, well, believe it.” I saluted her with the glass. “It’s over, Ginger. I’ve been faking feelings for you this whole week. I’m too tired to fake it anymore just so you don’t get hurt. I’m done protecting you.”

She lifted her chin stubbornly. “I can’t save you if you’re giving up.”

“I don’t want you to fucking save me!” I shouted. “I want you to leave me the hell alone!”

She backed up, her lower lip trembling. “Fuck you, asshole.”

“And she finally sees the truth,” I drawled, my heart ripping in two. “It’s about damn time you accepted it.”

Tears poured down those smooth cheeks of hers, and her blue eyes were coated in moisture, making them brighter than usual. It went against every single instinct inside of me not to walk up to her and hug her. To not take it all back. She might not know it now, but I was doing her a favor. I had to remember that, even if it was too late to save her from the pain. I couldn’t regret loving her. Knowing her. So, no matter how selfish it might be, I didn’t regret the time we had together. I’d never love someone the way I loved her.

She’d always be the one for me. I just couldn’t be hers.

“Even so, I’m not giving up on you—but you need to fight, too. You’re going to realize this is wrong. You’re going to regret this, and I’ll forgive you. But you can’t say things like that to me and expect me to forgive
that
.” She reached for my hand. If she touched me, I’d be a goner. I’d lose my resolve to save her. “I love you, and I’ll always love you, but this isn’t okay.”

“Don’t say that,” I rasped, backing away from her. I ran my hand over my shaved head, wishing I could tug on my hair. Wishing I wasn’t me. “You need to forget this ever happened. Move on. This was all a huge mistake between us. Stop trying to be a rebel, and stop trying to piss off Daddy Dearest all the time. Marry a guy like Riley.”

I choked on the words. This wasn’t right. She was supposed to marry
me
.

Fuck, I needed to get away from her.

“I’m not marrying anyone but you,” she said, her voice completely calm. “When you wake up in the morning, come find me. Say you’re sorry, and maybe we can forget this happened.
That’s
how much I love you.”

Without warning, she lunged across the distance between us, closing it with one giant step. Her arms snaked around my neck and she kissed me. She tasted like tears, whiskey, and Carrie. God, she felt so fucking good. So fucking right. How was I supposed to give this up? Give her up? I’d never get to taste her again, and that hurt, too.

I broke off the kiss, a ragged moan escaping me. Tears burned my vision, but I turned away from her before she could see. “It’s over. Just give up already. I don’t want to be with you anymore. It’s…it’s your fault this happened to me. I blame
you
.”

She gasped and backed off, covering her mouth. I hated myself right then, for striking where I knew she’d be weakest. I knew, deep down, she blamed herself for this. And I’d used that to hurt her. To make her back the hell off.

I deserved to die right now.

The door opened. Senator Wallington walked in, took one look at me, skimmed over to Carrie, and rushed inside. “What’s going on here?”

I poured myself another drink. “Your dreams have come true. I’ve finally accepted I’ll never be good enough for your baby girl, and I broke up with her.”

Carrie shook her head but didn’t say anything.

She just stared at me, looking broken.

I faced her father, letting all my rage at this situation come to the surface. Letting them see how much of a fuck-up I was, finally. “Since she’s having difficulty accepting this, why don’t you tell her how wrong I am for her? Did you ever tell her about that time I almost got fired for bringing a girl back here with me? We got caught naked in the—”

Carrie cried out and spun on her heel, giving me her back and hiding her gorgeous face from me. I wanted to demand she turn around so I could see her. After all, I wouldn’t be seeing her again. I needed to see her—to memorize everything about her.

“Griffin, you’re drinking. You’re not thinking this through.” The senator cleared his throat. “Maybe you should put that aside and go to bed—”

“Sleep won’t change a damn thing. I’m done trying to make myself better for this family. Done trying to be good enough for her, when that will never happen.” I chugged the drink before I slammed the glass on the bar. “Be happy. You got what you wanted. You predicted it, even. Warned me in the hospital that I’d become too dark for her. Well, you’re right. So I’m leaving.”

“Then go,” Carrie said, her voice so soft I almost missed it. “You don’t love me anymore?”

I looked at her, wanting nothing more than to take it all back, but she was finally accepting it. I couldn’t give in to temptation now. “I can’t love you anymore, not like this.”

Carrie flinched, but didn’t say a word. Senator Wallington wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Glaring at me, he said, “Then you need to leave.”

I laughed, even though I wanted to shout at the top of my fucking lungs. “I’ve got nothing left here, so I’ll gladly leave.”

“You had me,” Carrie said, her voice steady despite the tears streaming down her cheeks. She lifted her chin and stared me down. “But that wasn’t enough, was it? It was never enough, because this was always my fault. You blame me.”

I met her eyes, my heart shattering into pieces. I wanted to deny it. Wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, but I just stared back at her, not saying a word. Carrie stared right back at me, not flinching. She waited for a second, obviously giving me one last chance to take it all back. I wanted to do it so damn badly. But instead I inclined my head, agreeing with her without speaking, because quite frankly? I couldn’t even if I tried right now.

The tears I was holding back were choking the life out of me.

She swallowed hard, nodded, and walked out of the room. The last vision I had of her was her leaving the room, her head held high, as she walked away from me.

And she didn’t even look back.

I dashed up the stairs full speed ahead, slowing down once I rounded the corner. I walked down the hallway toward my room in a daze. I couldn’t believe what had just happened, and yet in some ways, I’d known it was coming. The whole flight to Germany, I’d been going over and over in my head how I’d done this to him. Our relationship had ruined him. Had ruined his life. How could he ever love me after that?