Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (18 page)

Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, “Would you believe it—you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!”

Moshe goes into a restaurant and orders potato
latkes.
When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to strawberry
blintzes.
Later, when he had finished, he gets up to leave. “Wait a second,” said the manager, “You haven’t paid for your
blintzes!’

“What are you talking about?” Moshe replies. “Those
blintzes
were only an exchange. I gave you the
latkes
for them.”

“Yes, but you didn’t pay for them either.”

“Why should I pay for the
latkes?
I didn’t eat them.”

Two Chinamen are leaving Bloom’s restaurant and one says to the other: “The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you’re hungry again"

A little something I’d thought you’d like to know . . .

Shlomo went on vacation to Spain. One day, he sat in a Spanish cafe on Fiesta Day and watched the waiter serve a fragrant and attractive dish to a party at the next table.

“What is that?” Shlomo asked.

“Señor,
those are the bull’s testicles from today’s bullfights.”

“They look excellent! Bring me some.”

“Señor,
there is a wait! People sign up one year in advance for such a delicacy.”

“Then sign me up! I’ll be here this time next year.”

A year of anticipation later and Fiesta Day arrives again. Shlomo is in the cafe anxiously awaiting his meal. Finally, the waiter appears with two leathery little lumps covered by gravy.

“And what is this?” cried Shlomo. “Look at them! Do you call this a meal for a Jew? Last year they were fragrant and big and fluffy! What happened?”

“Señor,
the bull does not always lose.”

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud. “What’s the matter, darling?” he asked her.

“I just don’t know what to do,” said Miriam. “Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner—but the dog has just eaten it.”

“Don’t worry,” said Howard, “I’ll get us another dog.”

Moshe was talking to his friend Abe. “Do you know, Moshe, that my friend David is
so frum
that he has two dishwashers in his kitchen!"

“That’s nothing,” replied Abe, “my friend Benjamin keeps such a kosher home that he has two smoke detectors in his kitchen!”

Sadie was taking her seven-year-old daughter Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.

Sarah said to Rifka, “Our family is kosher.”

Rifka asked, “What’s kosher?”

Sarah replied, “That’s when you can’t have cheese with your ham sandwich.”

Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in New York. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned kosher restaurant in Park Slope.

“I’ll have the pickled brisket,” Rachel told the waiter.

“The brisket is from last night,” explained the waiter. “Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?”

“OK, let it be stuffed peppers.”

The waiter turns to Aunt Leah. “And you?”

“Bring please the pot roast.”

“Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for
goyim.
If you want something special, try the beef.”

“All right then, so bring the beef.”

Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, “I can’t make up my mind. What do you suggest?”

“Suggest!” cried the waiter. “On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?”

Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant when he called over his waiter.

“Yes?” asked the busy waiter.

“Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?” asked Isaac.

“Why do you ask?” replied the waiter.

“Because I was expecting a much older man by now,” replied Isaac.