Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (13 page)

First, notice the number of silly wind-ups that Harry uses to get attention
in the first few minutes. They are designed to get Helen focused on him, not
Ronnie. Unfortunately, Helen falls for it every time. She always responds to
his provocation. Instead of ignoring it, she rewards his attention-seeking and
he simply does more of it.

Second, notice that only at the end of the 15 minutes - when everyone is
tense and upset - does she use the only weapon she has against Harry's
attention-seeking - which is to ignore it.

Third, Helen is absolutely superb both when she removes the TV lead -
thereby ending the source of the wind-up - and when she follows it up by
turning her back and ignoring the tantrum.

As we discussed this sequence, Helen realised that she needed to starve all
the nonsense of its attention-pulling power. I encouraged her to look for any
opportunity she could find to boost the positives in Harry's behaviour outside
of times when the two of them are arguing or fighting. This meant spotting
every time Harry was cooperative or sensible.

One other thing Helen could not ignore was Harry's pulling Ronnie's
hair! She had to intervene and take action. However, there were many
opportunities - both before and after this incident - to ignore Harry's
behaviour, and she was wholly right when she finally ignored the tantrum
that followed.

TIP FOR SUCCESS

• Consistency wins the day (see Golden Rule No. 4- Be Consistent,
page 41). Many parents pick the right issue to ignore and the right
time to ignore it, and then throw it all away by not following
through when their child tests them out.

The uphill battle

A child in the Negative-Attention Trap is an expert at doing things that really
get to you; things you find so hard to ignore. Because of a long history of
troublesome behaviours many parents find that they are on the lookout for
signs of trouble and react very quickly and `overfocus' on these behaviours.
Unfortunately, this reinforces the same old message to the child: 'To get Mummy's and Daddy's attention - be naughty!' Remember, always be on
the lookout for good behaviour.

CLOSE down

Starving naughtiness of its attention-grabbing potential means you must
ignore it with conviction. To help you remember, I use the phrase, `CLOSE
down', which is exactly what you must do to carry your message home:

C is for Cut off conversation. Don't say another word until you are
ready.

L is for Look away. No eye contact.

0 is for Offer no reaction. Whenever possible, do not react to
attempts to draw you into arguments or discussions that show your
child that you can be sucked back into the game.

S is for Switch off smiles. This can be the hardest thing for a loving
parent. But do not give in to his or her attempts to make you laugh
or smile.

E is for End when you're ready. Don't be dictated to by your child.
Stop ignoring only when you feel satisfied that you are getting your
message across.

This all sounds very harsh, I know, but in the context of a caring relationship
`closing down' is not only far more effective, it is less damaging to a child
than either smacking (where you have, in effect, lost control) or nagging
(where you undermine his or her self-confidence).

Pitfalls and new approaches

Use the space below to jot down any of the pitfalls you are aware of in
the ways you are currently dealing with attention-seeking.

Then write down at least one of the suggestions above that is new to
you and that may be useful for improving your approach during
the week ahead:

Remember: the effort that you put into your communication skills will
be repaid in your own growing confidence and in the factthatyou are
clarifying things for your child.

Frequently asked questions

Q_`Ignoring a determined child can be very wearing. How do I keep it up time and
time again?'

A: Try keeping your mind focused on your long-term goals for permanent
change and not on the short-term relief or easy option that giving in or
backing down can bring. Make regular use of your powerful motivators,
developed in Step 1.

Q. `How can I tell if I'm improving in my communication?'

A: One way is to observe the difference in your child. If you're having no
impact, you're missing something. Another is to get feedback from
someone else. As odd as it may sound, I recommend to all my clients that
they find someone they trust to observe their efforts in communicating.
This person might be your partner or one of your parents, but more likely it
will be a trusted friend who understands what you are trying to achieve and
will give you a balanced evaluation of your efforts.

RECAP

To change attention-seeking:

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

• Plan ahead for known crunch points when negative attentionseeking is likely to be at its worst - times like getting ready in the
morning, mealtimes, bath times and bedtimes. These are the
moments when you are likely to be most stretched and least able to
cope with naughtiness. And your child knows this full well. So be
prepared by having ready a range of activities that will hold her
attention for short periods. This way you can divert her away from
attention-seeking mischief by keeping her mind occupied.

Keep an eye on what is happening, and be ready to switch to some
new activity just before the point when she is getting a bit twitchy and
restless. Draw up a list of activities to fill stressed times with
distraction and stimulation:

Extra things to do

1. 10 minutes' video

2. Cutting up bread for the birds

3. Stuffing the old newspapers into a rubbish bag

4.-~s

Amazing! Step 6 - half way and you're still reading. Allow me to
congratulate you.

Everything we have covered so far has been aimed at boosting a positive
approach to the management of your child's behaviour. Now is the time to
introduce the limits and boundaries that ADD children find so hard to deal
with.

In Step 6 we will explore the topic of delivering effective commands. I am
confident that you will soon be an expert. You will:

learn to identify disempowering commands - that is to say, vague,
`flooded', question and plea commands, and the sort that start with
`Let's' and `We'll'.

find alternatives that are more potent and more assertive

• discover how to assert yourself effectively with your child.

Clarify the message

`All the world's a stage', and all parents have an audience - a child who is
constantly reading the messages you give off, verbal and non-verbal. As a
parent you need to play many roles: the toughie, the comforter, the organiser,
the referee and the dictator. We have to play them even when we don't feel
like it. That is the responsibility of parenthood. The question is - do you play
each role to the best of your ability?

What we actually communicate and what we think we communicate are
not necessarily the same. Actions speak louder than words. When we send
messages out to others through our words, gestures, tone of voice and so on,
we hope that we pass on what we mean clearly and effectively. There is always a chance that our message may be received as something different
from what we intended.

Have you ever found yourself saying something to someone and getting
the opposite reaction to the one you expected? Maybe you told a sad tale and
it provoked a smile. Perhaps you were talking normally and were told to
`calm down'. Has anyone ever come up to you and said, `Cheer up' when you
felt fine, or `What are you so happy about?' when you didn't know you were?
These simple examples illustrate that we cannot always be 100 per cent sure
that our communication skills are up to scratch. Oh, sure, sometimes it's
them and not you, but sometimes it isyou and that's what I will be looking at
improving here.

Talking tough and sounding weak will confuse any child - especially a
child with ADD. You have to make your actual message match your intended
message. That means not only talking firm and decisive but also appearing
firm and decisive and being firm and decisive. Consistency is the byword with
ADD children: both consistency of verbal and non-verbal communication
and consistency over time.

There are probably good reasons why your messages are sometimes
mixed. For example:

• You may fear you will damage your child if you are stern or frosty.

• You may worry that you will make her hate you if you stand firm
and don't relent.

You may be reminded of issues from your own past - e.g. being
bullied, unloved or neglected.

You may remind yourself of your mother or father, and you want
to be different.

• You may be uncertain that you are doing the right thing.

These feelings of guilt, distress or uncertainty will almost inevitably show
themselves in your body language. They may prevent you from getting the
job done effectively.

It's hard to get her to do as she is told

ADD kids resist commands because they think they can't succeed and find it
simpler to force you to back down. You are trying to counteract this by
pointing out to your child how often she pleases you and how successful she
can be. However, in the weeks ahead there is no escaping the fact that you
will need to assert yourself. From now on there will be many, many times
when you need to set limits firmly and enforce them. So practise in giving
no-nonsense commands is a priority at this point.