Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (9 page)

During play, children try out things that they have seen adults do, develop
their own personality and evolve ways of communicating with others. For
most children it is a happy and positive time. And playing together in the
absence of control, correction and coercion can be fun! It also changes
patterns in your relationship - in three important ways:

1. Letting your child take the lead when you play together gives both
of you an experience of him or her being in control and taking
responsibility in a context he or she enjoys. You are free to play too,
because you don't have to be in charge.

2. It frees you to observe just how amazing your child's imagination
and creativity can be.

3. By providing you both with a breathing space to play together,
Special Time reminds you of the warmth and enjoyment that you can
get from each other. These feelings often evaporate when you fight
over who is boss.

Because Special Time is a boss-free zone you can build mutual understanding without conflict.

SUMMARY: HOW SPECIAL TIME WORKS

• Children associate play with fun and positive feelings.

You give positive attention to your child, which builds
affection and trust.

You both get conflict-free time during each day.

Your child takes the lead, so there are no battles over who's
the boss.

New techniques promote better understanding between you.

You influence each other by getting closer.

Setting up Special Time

Pick two occasions during a normal day when you can spend 10-15 minutes
with your child. At the beginning the other children - if you have any - are
not included in the Special Time with your ADD child.

As far as you can, make this a regular slot. It doesn't necessarily mean the
same time every day (though a routine certainly helps with ADD kids), but it
does mean it should happen each day if at all possible.

This is the kind of thing you might say to your child to get things started:
`Molly, you remember I said we were arguing a lot - well, Mummy wants
some time to play with you and we won't get cross with each other. Show me
a game we could do together.' Simple. You don't need to give any more rules
than that at this stage.

Since the aim of Special Time is to give your child an opportunity to take
the lead in a game or a task you do together, your role is to follow The best way to show that you are following is through what you say and do.
Positive-attention skills help you to do this.

Positive-attention skills

To follow your child effectively you must let her know that you are
observing closely what she is doing and what she is saying. In the jargon this
skill is called 'attending positively'. It means responding actively to your
child, making frequent comments to show how closely you are observing
and listening to what she is doing and saying. The message you want give to
her is 'I am really interested in you.' The aim in learning these skills is always
to be and to sound as natural as possible.

Here are some examples of Julie giving Molly some positive attention as
she plays in a sandpit during Special Time:

'Gosh! You have made a really weird shape there.'

'You're going to have a humungous hole in a minute.'

'What an amazing jump! And another one.'

'Molly, you love sand so much.'

This might sound a bit odd or artificial at first. But it will become more
natural as time goes on. This approach is attentive because you are giving
feedback all the time that you are watching and listening to your child, and
positive because it is promoting behaviour in her that you can feel positive
about and give praise for.

Develop positive-attention skills during Special Time

Cut down the questions

This is hard to do. You'd be amazed how much of parents' interactions with
children are based on questions. Asking questions means that you control the
conversation, not them. As an experiment, try not asking questions for five
minutes while playing with your child. Hard, isn't it! For a change, get into
the practice of swapping questions for statements during Special Time.

Swap questions for statements

Cut out all commands!

For example:

X 'This way!'

X 'Do it like this!'

XC 'Don't do that!'

Now get into practice

Special Time works - trust me on this. At first it can seem a lot of effort in
order to produce small changes, but the changes will get bigger as time
moves on. It is crucial to practise Special Time regularly, especially at the
start. It's the frequency that ensures faster progress. Try to practise Special
Time at least once a day, for 10-15 minutes.

After each Special Time, complete the check-list on page 63 to judge how
things are proceeding.

If you react strongly against the idea of Special Time, can I suggest that
you reread Chapters 6, 7 and 8 again? How's that for bossiness!

Frequently asked questions

Q. 'How can I find the time?'

A: This is the commonest question I am asked about Special Time, and one I
have no easy answer to. If you have worries about making enough time, you
are not alone. The lives of parents today are busier than ever, and with
extended family often living far away, support can be hard to find. Other
parents have told me of just this kind of difficulty - for example: 'I felt mean
not giving my older son Special Time too, so I've started it for both of them,
which has cut out any jealousy but it really eats up my time', 'I'm a single
parent with another, younger, child, and getting regular help to practise
Special Time isn't easy', and 'My wife and I both do shift work ... one of us
going out when the other comes in ... we needed to be so organised to find
out who had done what around play times.'

There is no magic solution to shortage of time. All I can do is to
keep reminding you that making the time for Special Time could be
one of the best investments you'll ever make.

Q'How long does it take?'

A: I am asking you to try it regularly for three months. After two months
most parents can see a dramatic improvement that others will notice and
remark on. Within six months the necessity for regular sessions will have
gone. By this time positive-attention skills will be part of your daily
interactions with your child. Reach this point, and your relationship with
him will have changed for ever.

Q' What if we miss a practice?'

A: Six or seven sessions a week will start to produce a noticeable change in
your relationship within two weeks. Three or four sessions a week will
mean change is much slower. One or two sessions a week will probably
produce little or no change.

Q. 'How can special time help me when it's naughty behaviour that is such a problem?'

A: Special Time sneaks up on naughty behaviour. Being naughty has
become one of the ways your child has learned to get your attention.
Special Time shows him how to get your attention by being good.

ADD children and their parents often find themselves shouting and
screaming at each other. Sometimes these angry feelings mean that you and
your child have grown apart in small ways. You may find that you are
constantly not relaxed, on the alert for naughty behaviour. You may happen
to miss the times when your child is being good and so he may think that
the best way to grab your attention is by being naughty. The Special Time
will remind you how much you love each other and will make it easier for
you to be positive.

Q `Are you suggesting that we don't love each other?'

A: No. But many parents have told us that Special Time helped them to
realise that they had not spent as much quality time with their child as they
wanted to because the angry times had taken over.

Q_ `Can you say more about the idea behind letting the child take the lead?'

A: As adults, we get used to taking charge of our children because they need
us to protect and take care of them. But it is normal for children to want
independence and to want to feel in charge of themselves. Special Time is a
good way for you to encourage this aspect of your child's development.
Special Time has been designed to encourage your skills in allowing your
child a chance to take the lead in a positive way.

Q. `When should we have Special Time?'

A: The rule has to be: Better at any time than not at all. But always
remember that ADD kids respond best to consistency. They easily forget
tasks that don't fall into a routine. You will probably find it easier to
organise Special Time if it forms part of a daily routine that your child can
get used to. A set routine is not essential, but it may be very helpful in
reducing protest and conflict between you.

A suggestion one parent found effective was to draw a clock face on a big
sheet of paper next to the kitchen clock. When the time arrived she would
simply announce, `It's our Special Time, what should we do?' Try it. Your
child may have something in mind - if not, wait and see what develops.

Q. `What if he does not want to do anything with me?'

A: Special Time should not be a chore for either of you, but a space where
you can have fun together. 'I don't want to play with you' should be
accepted by you without protest. Stay calm. Be as open and friendly as
possible during the time you have set aside. Simply say that you would like
to use the Special Time together anyway. If you feel comfortable, carry on
playing on your own and you may find your child comes to join you. Most
children cannot resist the invitation to play, and pretty soon will want to get
in on the act!

If you still have a problem, ask yourself, `How good am I at getting fun
times to happen?' Try thinking of three ways that you could get a game
started if your child seems uninterested.

Q, `Should I push him into the Special Time?'

A: No. Sometimes your child may be in a mood with you, and show little
interest in play. Don't be put off. Make use of any sign that he would rather
play than sulk. Once he begins to get the idea he will want more of your
positive attention and praise and will do more to please you.

Q `My son is naughty during Special Time. Should I end it?'

A: Yes and no. Always ignore his naughty behaviour unless something or
someone is going to get damaged. If that happens, simply say, `we cannot
carry on while you are doing that. Do you want to play or stop?' If he stops
immediately and wants to play properly it is right to let the game carry on,
but if the same dangerous behaviour recurs, time together must stop. This
may create a little bit of bad feeling, so look for an opportunity to offer
some praise to your child so as to lighten the tension that may now exist.

TIP FOR SUCCESS

The key to good Special Time is trying if You can analyse it if you
want, or criticise it if you want, but these might be delaying tactics.
So do something different - try it.

Check out your positive-attention skills