Pencil of Doom! (6 page)

I was rushed to the emergency room at Northwest Central Hospital.

As it turned out, I was okay, apart from having what the doctor described as the nastiest paper cut she had ever seen. The cheque had nearly cut my head off!

The doctor bandaged me up, told me that I was lucky to still have my head, and discharged me.

I sat in the waiting room while my parents completed the paperwork and was amazed to see Gretel there. Her arm was in a sling.

‘Henry!' she said. ‘What happened to your neck?'

‘Oh, just a little accident with an oversized cheque,' I said.

‘What?' she said.

‘Well, I won the writing competition, but when they were presenting me with the winner's cheque
the wind blew it out of the editor's hand and it almost chopped off my head. What happened to you?'

‘I broke my wrist,' she said. ‘My dad and I were arm wrestling and Dad was winning, but then I suddenly felt this huge surge of power. I managed to get my arm back up and then I slammed his down onto the table. That's when I heard the crack, and then my wrist started throbbing and swelling up.'

‘Is your dad all right?' I asked.

‘Yes,' said Gretel. ‘Apart from being a bit upset that I beat him, of course.'

I nodded. ‘I guess we have our answer.'

‘What do you mean?' she said.

‘That pencil is dangerous,' I said. ‘Even when you draw something nice, something bad happens.'

‘You think the pencil's responsible for our injuries?'

‘Look at the evidence,' I said. ‘First it was Fred and Clive who suffered. Then Jack. Now it's you and me. The question isn't whether the pencil is responsible or not. The question is, who will be next?'

We looked at each other.

‘Jenny?' said Gretel.

‘Yes,' I nodded.

‘But she drew a kitten,' said Gretel. ‘Kittens aren't dangerous! They're cute!'

‘Let's hope so,' I said.

The next day at school I had a big white bandage around my neck.

Gretel's arm was in a sling.

Jenny was very worried about us, although she was quite okay herself.

Newton was scared that something was going to happen to him, even though he hadn't used the pencil to draw anything.

Jack was sympathetic, but still refused to believe that our injuries were due to anything more than coincidence.

The first half of the day was relatively uneventful.

Nobody was hit by flying bags of money, giant cheques or people falling off the roof.

Mr Brainfright didn't even fall out the window.

Not once!

The trouble didn't start until after lunch.

As we came in from lunch, we found Mr Brainfright standing behind a long black box that was mounted on top of a stainless-steel trolley. The box was decorated with yellow stars.

Mr Brainfright was wearing a black cape and had a shiny silver saw in his hand.

‘What are you going to do?' said Jack, grinning. ‘Cut somebody in half?'

‘That's exactly what I'm going to do, my boy,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Knowing how to cut somebody in half is a very important life skill—though perhaps not as important as knowing how to put them back together. But don't worry, I'll teach you that as well!'

There was a burst of excited chatter. The prospect of watching Mr Brainfright cut somebody in half certainly beat the prospect of maths, or English, or history, or . . . well . . . 
anything
, really.

‘I need a volunteer,' said Mr Brainfright.

The excited chatter stopped.

The room went completely silent.

Knowing how to cut somebody in half is a very important life skill—though perhaps not as important as knowing how to put them back together.

Mr Brainfright looked around. ‘Come now, 5B,' he said. ‘Surely one of you would like to be cut in half? I promise I'll put you back together again. Well, I'll try my best, anyway.'

It was not exactly a promise that filled any of us with great confidence or an overwhelming desire to jump into his box, despite the twinkle in his eye.

‘What's the matter, 5B?' Mr Brainfright asked, looking hurt. ‘Don't you trust me?'

‘I'll do it,' said Jenny, getting up from her desk. She couldn't stand to see anybody looking sad . . . even if they were just pretending to be sad in order to get somebody to volunteer themselves to be cut in half.

‘Good for you, Jenny!' said Mr Brainfright, holding one end of the box open for her. ‘Just wriggle in here and relax.'

Gretel and I looked at each other, alarmed.

Jenny hadn't drawn anybody getting cut in half, but given what had happened to us and Jack, we didn't like to see her take such an unnecessary risk.

‘No!' I said. ‘Don't do it!'

‘Why not?' said Jenny.

‘It's dangerous!'

‘No it's not,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Well, maybe just a little, but that's all part of the fun. You can't make an omelette without cracking a few eggs! Are you comfortable, Jenny?'

‘Yes,' said Jenny. ‘It's quite relaxing.'

‘Can you wiggle your legs?'

‘I think so,' she said, and her feet, which were sticking out the other end of the box, wiggled.

‘Excellent!' said Mr Brainfright. Then he turned to the class. ‘Now, the first thing you need to know about cutting somebody in half is that you need to make sure your saw is sharp.' He touched one of the teeth on his saw. ‘Ouch! Are you ready, Jenny?'

Jenny nodded enthusiastically.

Mr Brainfright placed the saw on the top of the box and began to saw.

And saw.

And saw.

And saw.

We were all on the edge of our seats.

Then we were on the edge of the edge of our seats.

Then we were on the edge of the edge of the edge of our seats.

‘I'm scared!' cried Newton.

‘Don't be,' said Jenny. ‘I'm not scared, and it doesn't hurt a bit!'

Finally, incredibly, Mr Brainfright sawed right through the box.

Jenny was still smiling.

Even more miraculously, she was still smiling when Mr Brainfright dramatically pushed the halves of the box apart, sending the top half of her body one way, and her legs—still kicking—the other way.

‘Voila!' said Mr Brainfright.

‘Will we be tested on this?' asked Fiona.

Before Mr Brainfright could answer Fiona, the classroom PA speaker crackled into life.

‘Attention, crew,' said the voice of Principal Greenbeard, ‘I have some news of a dire nature to impart. Batten down the hatches. I repeat, batten down the hatches.'

Now, before I go on, what you should know about Principal Greenbeard is that he loves ships and sailing. And when I say he loves ships and sailing, I mean he
really
loves ships and sailing.

In fact, he loves ships and sailing so much that he acts as if the school is one huge ship, that all the teachers and students are sailors, and that he, of course, is the captain.

It's important that you know this, otherwise you might think he is a bit crazy.

Well, obviously, he is a
bit
crazy, but he isn't
all
crazy. He's just crazy about anything to do with ships and sailing.

And when he says
batten down the hatches
, that means trouble.

Principal Greenbeard continued to speak. ‘Now I don't wish to alarm you,' he said, ‘but we've just been notified that a circus lion has escaped and there have been several sightings that indicate the lion is heading in our direction at an alarming rate of knots. I would just like to warn all crew members to stay inside and keep all cabin doors and portholes fully secured. I repeat, batten down all hatches until further notice. Thank you all, and please remember that it's very important that we do not panic.'

The PA speaker fell silent.

People started panicking.

Some students screamed.

Some students jumped up on their chairs.

Some students screamed
and
jumped up on their chairs.

But nobody screamed louder than Newton. ‘Aaaaggghhh!' he wailed. ‘I'm scared of lions!'

‘You're not the only one,' said Gretel. ‘We're
all
scared of lions!'

‘No, you don't understand!' said Newton. ‘On my top ten list of things that I'm scared of, lions take up nine places!'

‘You have a list?' said Mr Brainfright.

Newton nodded.

‘That you carry around with you?'

‘Yes,' said Newton, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. He handed it to Mr Brainfright. ‘I have it right here.'