Perfectly Broken (23 page)

I stepped out into the hall, moving toward the bathroom first to clean up a little, knowing I was a mess after yet another nightmare. As I got close to the door, the sound of raised voices made me pause. I'd recognized Zane's voice. He had yelled something at someone outside. My heart pounded impossibly harder and fresh beads of sweat ran down my neck. I moved to the end of the hall, my body trembling as I listened for any more sounds. I could hear voices
,
but I couldn't make out the words. Lower tones that I knew were Zane's but there was another voice, too quiet for me to gather much from.

I paused before entering the living room, seeing the small streak of light that told me the front door was partly open. After waiting through a moment of silence, I could hear Zane's voice again, more clearly now that I was near the door.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Say you understand. Say you forgive me. I'm sorry, Z. I never meant for any of this to happen."

That voice I knew. Why the hell was Lizzie here? Even more, what exactly was she apologizing for? I inched closer to the door, no longer afraid of the person on the other side but still not wanting to be caught eavesdropping.

"It's been two years, Lizzie. Why now? Do you just enjoy toying with me?" Zane's voice sounded defeated. "You can't keep going back and forth. You cheated on me
.
I've moved on."

"You've moved on? Come on," she said with a dismissive laugh. "We both know how good it can be with us. I want to go back to that. We spent seven years together. The last two we've fallen back in bed together
,
how many times? You know we're meant to be."

"I can't keep doing this," Zane said but he sounded like he was pleading with her. I wanted to lean forward, to look out the door and see exactly what was happening but I couldn't force myself to move. My heart continued to pound painfully but now the ache was different. It wasn't my ribs that hurt, it was all of me. I could barely see through the blurriness of the fresh tears forming in my eyes.

"Don't answer now. Just think about it." There was a quiet moment, the shuffle of feet. Was she kissing him? Was he letting her?

I wanted to move. I begged my feet to take me back to my room and away from the pain
,
but it was impossible. I slid down the wall, crouched with my back curled over and my forehead resting on my knees. I wrapped my arms around my legs, trying to pull myself as tight as possible, wanting to hold myself together when it felt like I was falling apart.

"Pixie?" Zane's voice was shocked
.
I inhaled sharply, realizing I'd lost myself in the pain. I didn't move and I felt him hovering over me.

He didn't say anything else but I knew he wouldn't go away, even if I asked him to. I didn't bother wiping the tears, I no longer cared if he knew I was crying. I was too tired and too broken down to pretend now. I'd let him in and this is what happened.
 

I looked up, dropping my arms and pushing myself slowly to my feet. I shrank back from his offer of help, shrugging his hand away and fighting to keep my eyes looking straight into his. He took two steps back, placing himself against the opposite wall.
 

I tried to see what I'd seen before. The contentment he'd felt when he'd kissed me. The happiness I'd seen when we curled up on his bed and he dozed off holding me while we watched a movie. It wasn't there. All I could see was hurt and confusion.

The confusion was what spurred me into action. I locked down my emotions, trapping them away in the same way I had everything else in my past and wiping them from my face, both the physical proof of them in my tears and any telling look. I stared at him until I knew I could speak without my voice shaking.

"You love her."

His eyes widened. He looked shocked and somewhat terrified. "I… Pix, I—"

I held up a hand as I hummed a short sound of irritation that my voice had cracked when I spoke before. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"It wasn't a question."

He just stared, his jaw tight. For a moment, I considered letting him explain
,
but it didn't matter.

I turned, slipping past him before he could react and slammed my bedroom door. I flipped the lock just as his hand made contact with the wood.

"Lili, don't do this. I don't…"

I didn't wait to hear anymore. I turned to my iPod dock and cranked it as loud as it would go, cringing at the volume. The song I'd been listening to last flowed slowly through the speakers. I could still faintly hear his fist pounding against the door
,
but I couldn't hear a single word he said. That was good.

The song, however, was not.

It was hours later when the door was opened. Tish knelt on the floor with a hairpin he'd fashioned into a key to fit into the tiny hole of the lock. Kas was standing beside him and her eyes immediately found mine. Her lips moved but I just stared. I was sitting on my bed, my back against the headboard, with my knees tightly against my chest. The protests from my ribs were barely noticeable given the rest of the pain and I still felt the need to hold myself together. I hadn't cried. Even with the same song repeating every one of my own thoughts back to me countless times.

Kas rolled her eyes and stomped over to the dresser, turning the volume down on the radio.

"What the hell, Lili? You've been in here for hours."

I looked past her to the door, watching as Tish rose to his feet and leaned against the frame, crossing his arms. They were both pissed at me now. Great.

Kas stepped close, drawing my eyes back to her. "Look, I get that you've been through something terrible
,
but if you're not—"

I laughed, feeling the last of my control snap as the emotions flooded through me. She had no idea, the patronizing bitch. "What the fuck gives you the right to talk down to me? You don't know me!" Every part of me ached as I tried to move and stretch my body.

"You don't get to act like this. You're not a child, Lili. You're a fucking adult and you—"

"You don't know the first thing about me!" I screamed
,
staring her down
.
My breaths came in pants as my body started trembling with anger and adrenaline.

Kas threw her hands in the air, turning to Tish. "I give up. I fucking give up! You can try talking to her or let her sit in here and pout forever. Who the fuck cares?"

"Not you. That's for damn sure," I said, pushing her further, wanting the fight to release my pent up anger. "If you gave a fuck you would've told me she was in the fucking house when you had the chance. You didn't.
You
let me make a fool of myself."

Kas turned, looking over her shoulder at me from the doorway.

"Walk the fuck away, Kas. I don't want you here."

"Lee—" Tish started but Kas raised a hand and touched his arm to stop him. They exchanged a look and I narrowed my eyes, hating the certainty that they were somehow communicating about me right in front of my face.

"Get out!"

Kas didn't look back at me as she left the room, waiting for Tish to step inside completely before she closed the door behind her. Tish just stared at me for a moment, his expression guarded.

"What? I'm not apologizing. I'm right," I said, my heart finally feeling the smallest crack at the disappointment in Tish's eyes.

"What is
wrong
with you, Lee? Seriously?" He didn't move closer and it almost surprised me that he wasn't angrier.

"What's wrong with me?" I repeated his question, sagging back against the wall as the weight of his disapproval settled around me.

"I've never seen you act like this
.
What happened? You were fine yesterday." He finally stepped forward, taking a seat on the foot of my bed.

I shuffled uncomfortably, tugging at the blankets around me rather than looking him in the eyes. I didn't know what to say. I didn't lie to Tish. I'd
never
lied to Tish. In the last two years he had been patient and understanding with what little I'd tell him. Since the day I met him, he'd done nothing but go out of his way to protect me, no questions asked. He took in a girl off the streets, a girl he didn't know, because he could see she needed help.

I couldn't lie to him.

"Zane kissed me this afternoon," I said quietly, still not looking at him.

He took a slow, deep breath but he didn't speak right away. The silence unsettled me.

"And then he kissed Lizzie," I added.

Tish didn't speak as he stood from the bed
.
I could feel his anger pulse through the room as he paced. I finally looked up and his expression confirmed what I already knew.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He clenched his hands into fists.

"She showed up when I was asleep. He didn't know I was awake. They were on the porch and…" I trailed off, swallowing down the catch in my voice, hoping he didn't notice
,
but this was Tish. If I couldn't lie to him, I certainly couldn't hide anything from him. He turned to face me and his expression was heartbreaking. He felt guilty. I could see it in his eyes. He was going to admit to something I wasn't ready to hear.

"Don't…" I said, feeling the tears in my eyes.

"Lee, I'm sorry. I told him when you were in the hospital. I thought if he knew…"

"Don't!" I screamed the word. He knew. Zane knew how I felt before I ever showed up in his room and he let me in anyway. He let me in and he kissed me. And then he chose Lizzie. The reality of it crashed into me and I sobbed.

"I can't believe you! I trusted you!" I screamed covering my head with my hands. My throat tightened and I coughed, choking on the breaths I was trying to take. I tried to inhale but nothing was getting through.

"Deep breaths. Try to calm down," Tish said, his voice closer. I coughed again, lifting my head and meeting Tish's eyes. He looked a little panicked and it made me gasp again as I desperately tried to take in oxygen. "Come on, Lee. Breathe with me." He sat beside me and took a deep breath, lifting my hand to his chest. I curled in on myself, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried desperately to do as he said. I could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest but the last of my oxygen was quickly depleting.

"Zane!" Tish yelled and I opened my eyes again, still coughing. The door flew open several moments later and Zane ran toward the bed. "Her lips are blue! She can't breathe!"

"She's having an asthma attack. Go get Conner's inhaler. Top drawer of my dresser," Zane said. His voice was calm and he pulled me up by my shoulders. I didn't have any energy to fight him as he sat me upright on the edge of the bed, holding me there. "Sit up straight and try to stay calm. You're going to be okay."

I shook my head, still coughing as tears dripped to my cheeks. Tish ran back in and held out the small white inhaler to Zane. I knew how it worked, all of us did. Conner's asthma was a problem we all knew how to handle if we needed to.

"Deep breath in," Zane said as he positioned the inhaler between my lips. He pressed down and I tried to inhale as best I could. I was still coughing. "Go get your keys, Tish. We need to take her to the hospital."
 

I shook my head again as Tish left the room, the panic subsiding somewhat as tiny bits of air seemed to find their way into my lungs. I coughed again but I was able to gasp in small breaths between them.

"Good. Good. Deep breath again." Zane dispensed the medicine a second time. I groaned at the awful taste, almost like chlorine on my tongue. I could feel my lungs starting to fill again. I coughed a few more times as the minutes passed and I realized Zane was running his hand along my back, trying to comfort me.

I pulled away and swiped at the inhaler
,
trying to take it from him
.
I no longer wanted his help.

"Stop it, Lili. Once more." He held the inhaler to my mouth and I glared at him, giving in but letting him know I wasn't happy about it. I held the breath in the way I knew I was supposed to, counting in my head before slowly releasing it.

"Get. Out." The words were separate and came out sounding more like I was croaking. Zane's eyes widened and he shook his head, opening his mouth to speak. I didn't give him the chance. "I don't care. I don't want to hear anything. I just want you to get out. This is your fault!" My voice started to rise, my anger overpowering even the fear I'd felt moments ago. "All of this is your fault! Get! Out!" I coughed again and looked between Zane and Tish
,
who was now standing behind him again.

"You have to calm down or you'll just have another attack," Zane said. He tossed the inhaler onto the bed but didn't speak again, pushing past Tish with his shoulder. We watched him go, listening to his footsteps storm down the hall. I flinched when his door slammed.

"Lee—"

"Out. Now."

"You need to go to the hospital and let them check you out," Tish said.

"I don't want to go to the hospital. I want you to leave me the fuck alone!" I attempted to stay calm but I coughed again. To keep the edge off the panic, I grabbed the inhaler, holding it between my hands. It was my safety net.

"Fine," Tish said, surprising me. "Blame me if you want. I'm out. You want to push everyone away, you're doing a damn good job of it. Bravo." He slammed the door behind him.

I pushed myself to my feet, holding the bed as my legs shook under the weight of my body. I was still weak and exhausted from the entire day. I wanted to forget everything that had happened but even sleep was no longer a welcome escape.

I paced slowly, my feet shuffling along the length of the room to the dresser. I saw my phone beside my iPod dock and I realized I needed to get away from here. Away from Zane. Away from all of them
.
If I wanted to rebuild that wall that had somehow been destroyed, I needed to be away from this house
.

I'd gotten too comfortable, too careless, and much, much too close. I was paying the price now. I cared and these people could hurt me because of it. Zane could hurt me. He could crush me, which he'd already proven. I needed to separate myself from the situation. I grabbed my phone and scrolled to a number I'd rarely had a use for until now. I turned the radio up slightly to cover my conversation as I hit the call button.
 
It rang four times before she answered.