Perfectly Broken (25 page)

But being with Lili… that was something I hadn't taken the time to put words to yet. I hadn't had the chance. I thought about it — about her. The way it felt to make her smile yesterday as I combed her hair. I cherished those little smiles. The way she was always so strong, even when she felt weak. I admired her for that. The way she trusted me, even when I didn't deserve it.

I adored her.

But
,
I didn't deserve it. She was damaged right now. She had been damaged before
,
but I'd hurt her deeply in the last several days. Maybe that was all I knew how to do.

I thought about Lizzie. She hadn't always been the moody, temperamental bitch she was now. And
,
though a part of me knew it was the drugs, another part of me wondered if the drugs were something I drove her to. I'd been enough for her in high school
,
but after Conner was born things started to change.

Honestly, I guess I never was enough for her since she was sleeping with Adam behind my back for at least two years.

Maybe my childhood, the things I'd witnessed, the things I'd done
,
proved I didn't know how to love someone without hurting them.

The thought was staggering.

I took a few deep breaths, attempting to reign in the thoughts that were quickly annihilating my self-worth. I could smell the strong scent of fresh coffee and I knew Kas was waiting for me. She'd no doubt taken the day off in hopes of talking to Lili. But
,
Lili was stubborn. No one knew that better than me.

I headed down the hall, needing the caffeine to help clear my head.

"Did she talk to you?" Kas' voice startled me from my thoughts. I looked up and spotted her at the table. She had been worried about Lili when she was missing before
,
but now it seemed infinitely worse. It was like we'd had her back, only to lose her again. And she was a loss to our little family.

"Sort of. She answered and said she was fine. Then she hung up on me."

"Same here. Fuck. I was really pissed at her last night," Kas said, tears glossing her eyes as she pulled her right knee up, resting her heel on the edge of the chair.

I moved to the coffee pot, pouring myself a mug before taking the seat beside her. I stared at the spot on the wall, the imperfection that felt perfectly in place and was a complete description of my relationship with Lili.

"She made her decision, Kas. We can't let ourselves feel responsible forever. We can only do so much. She was broken before us."

Kas shook her head sadly but didn't reply for a long time.

"What happened with Conner?" she finally asked.

I sighed, hanging my head as the weight of Lizzie's newest betrayal landed back on my shoulders. "He's gotten in trouble at daycare two days in a row for hitting."

"Seriously?" Kas sounded as shocked as I'd felt when I heard.

"It turns out, Lizzie told him I'm not his father."

Kas' silence spoke all the words I had already been thinking.

"What are you going to do?" she asked after several moments.

I took a drink of my coffee, staring down into the dark liquid as if it held the answers I was looking for. "About what? It seems everything in my life is cracking into pieces right now."

"So
,
take it one thing at a time. Conner?"
 

"Is staying with me until I figure out the next step
,
" I said firmly.

"Okay. What about Lili?"
 

I stayed silent, having no answer for that situation.

"You love her."

Kas' exact repeat of Lili's words from yesterday caused me to drop my mug as I lifted my head too fast. It hit the edge of the table, spilling the contents across the polished wood and the floor as I shoved my chair back trying to avoid being splashed. I reached for the cup but only succeeded in knocking it further away before it smashed against the tile.

I groaned and stood, snatching the roll of paper towels from the counter to start cleaning up the mess. Kas moved to the pantry, grabbing the broom and dustpan as she waited for me to finish cleaning the liquid.

"I'm taking that as a yes."

I sighed, pushing myself to my feet and moving aside to toss the drenched paper towels into the garbage. "Yes, Kas. I love her. But
,
what good does knowing that do any of us now?"

Kas kept her back to me, sweeping up the large chunks of the blue mug from the tile. "After everything that's happened, you still can't see how perfect the two of you are?"

I dropped back into my chair, not bothering to pour myself more coffee. I laughed at her words, running a hand over my head in frustration at her persistence.

"We're not perfect. We're broken. Both of us," I said, watching her find each shard of the ceramic and brush it into the dustpan. "We're like that glass. Shattered. You'd never be able to find all the pieces to make us both whole again."

Kas continued her work and when she finished, she carried the dustpan over to the table and placed it between our chairs. She moved to the counter, grabbing a mosaic bowl she'd made about a year ago.

Art ran in mine and Tish's blood. Our mother had been an artist and that creative energy that flowed through us since birth constantly begged for an outlet. For Tish, it had been drawing and
,
eventually, tattooing. For me, it had become my metal sculpting. My older sister, Olivia, had been awarded a scholarship for her painting skills before her death. Even my younger sister, Paige, who liked to pretend she wasn't blood relation to any of us, was studying photography, thinking none of us knew the truth.
 

Kas was also an artist. Her work was all over our house. She had paintings in our living room and hallway. Ceramics that she painstakingly designed and molded were here and there.

She brought the bowl to the table and started picking out the larger pieces of the mug, dropping them carefully into the bowl. I noticed other pieces inside, the deep purple of the mug that Lili had thrown at me the night she'd been attacked. I watched Kas carefully decide which pieces to keep and which to throw away until she was finally satisfied with her selection.

When she was finished, she looked over at me, waiting for me to meet her eyes before she spoke.

"You still don't see it. Sometimes
,
when you take the broken pieces and combine them, you get something even more beautiful."

I dropped my eyes to the bowl in her hands as she lifted it from the table, taking it back to its place on the counter. All the tiny pieces were different shapes and sizes, every shade of blue imaginable with a design of a green turtle that seemed to be swimming along the side. I'd never taken the time to study it before
,
but it
was
beautiful.

Maybe she was right. I loved every broken piece of Lili, with every broken piece of me. Maybe that's what it took when you were damaged. Maybe, together, we were perfectly broken.

"Please hold on. Be strong. I love you."
I love…

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Nobody's Home

LILI

I barely marked the passage of time the first few days after I left. The night I ran, I had to deal with a seriously pissed off Jackson ranting to both Sydney and I about the position we were putting him in by asking him to lie to Zane. When Sydney finally dragged him out of the garage apartment and into the house, I curled up on the mattress in the bedroom and slept.

I had nightmares. I cried. But
,
I barely noted the time. I didn't have a clock other than my phone which I avoided unless it rang.

I kept my promise to Kas, answering any time one of them called to check on me
,
but I refused to tell them where I was or listen to apologies or anything else. I ignored all text messages, not even opening them to look though my inbox was flooded daily. I left the apartment only once to walk up the street to a convenience store late at night to buy some food when I knew I could hide under my hoodie during the walk.

After living with Tish for more than two years, I tried to convince my heart that removing myself from that situation was for the best. I wanted to enjoy the newfound freedom. I needed to remember who I was. I wasn't this weak girl who cried every time some guy wrapped his arms around her.

I was stronger than the tears.

And I didn't need anyone.

Even when Jackson came to talk to me a few days into my stay to tell me how bad off Zane was, I didn't budge. But
,
I knew that time was almost up. I couldn't stay here forever and not be caught by Zane. Plus, it wasn't fair of me to ask Jackson to lie to Zane. I had apologized to Jackson but it didn't feel like enough. He was different around me now. Before, things had always been comfortable. We were friends but mainly because we both cared about Zane. Now, it felt strained when we spoke.

Once Jackson started pushing me to talk about what I was hiding from, I stopped going into the main house for anything, even though it meant using a toilet that required a lot of creative engineering to flush. I kept the door to the house locked from my side and buried my feelings in sleep, dealing with the nightmares better than I could real life.

On Tuesday morning, my phone rang
.
Unknown number. I bit my lip, debating before I answered. If it was Adam, I would just hang up. He couldn't come after me here. He didn't know where I was.

"Hello?"

"Miss Cortez?" A female voice asked and I felt my heart thump harder against my still sore ribs.

"Yes," I confirmed, sitting up on the mattress and leaning against the wall.

"My name is Detective Sanders. I need to ask you a few questions. Do you have a moment?" she asked and my breathing felt as fast as my heartbeat.

"Yes," I said again.

"Okay, I'm working with Officer Thomas and Officer Davis on an incident that happened on June eleventh. There was an altercation involving you and a Jordan Crawford. Is that correct?" I noticed that the tone she used was more friendly and personable than the officers that had come to the hospital. But
,
it didn't matter. She couldn't know any more than they did and I wasn't going to give her any information.

"I'm sorry
,
but…" I trailed off, about to hang up when she spoke again.

"Miss Cortez, I'm just trying to get the facts. Mr. Crawford filed a report of the attack."

Her words echoed in my mind as I tried to make sense of them. Jordan filed a police report? Did he accuse me of assault?

"I was hoping to get your side of the events. I'd like to talk to you in person, if possible, so I can document your injuries in conjunction with your story."

It took a moment for me to find my voice to respond. "If I say no?"

"Well, I'll turn my report over to the District Attorney's office and they'll make the decision as to whether or not they pursue the assault charges against you," she answered honestly. "I don't want it to come to that. I'm not out to arrest you. I just want to know your side of what happened."

I swallowed hard, realizing for the first time that my entire body was trembling with the implication of her words.

"Okay."

"Excellent. You can either come in to the station or, if you'd rather, we can meet somewhere else. Whichever you're more comfortable with," she offered.

I thought for a moment, giving her directions to the diner where I'd cleaned up after the attack and waited before coming home. It was on the other side of town from Jackson's place but I hoped that if she didn't believe me, maybe one of the waitresses I'd talked to that night would remember me and back up at least part of my story.

Once she had agreed to meet me there at one, I hung up and sat staring at the blank wall across from me. I could do this. I was strong and I could handle this.

But
,
not alone.

It was stupid to go alone, wasn't it? I needed to take someone with me. I sighed, knowing if I was honest with myself
,
I was terrified and I wanted someone else to know what was happening. I could ask Sydney but she would be going up to the hospital to be with the twins. It felt selfish to take time away from her girls.

I dialed the one number I knew I was going to dial all along.

"Lee?" Tish asked, sounding groggy. I realized how early it was and frowned, feeling guilty for waking him.

“I know I have no right to ask you for anything, Tish. But I need you."

"I'm here. What's going on?" He sounded more alert and I almost cried, knowing after everything I'd said to him, he would still have my back.

I waited at the corner of the building until I saw Tish climbing out of his car in the parking lot. Even in the scorching heat
,
I was wearing my hoodie. It was easier to hide and the bruises on my face still looked vicious. I tried not to
,
but I jogged straight to Tish when I saw him, letting him pull me into a hug.

"We'll take care of it, Lee. I promise. That shit-for-brains won't get away with this," he whispered. I let his confidence and his presence ease my nerves.

I walked in beside Tish, immediately pulling the hood off my jacket and glancing around the small diner. A woman, probably in her early forties, lifted a hand from one of the back booths and I tapped Tish's arm to get his attention as I headed in that direction. She stood as we approached and held out a hand to shake mine.

"Miss Cortez?" she verified.

"Lili," I said before gesturing to Tish. "This is my brother."

"Jared, correct?" she asked, glancing at the file on the table. "You were the one that filed the initial report at the hospital."

Tish nodded as he sat beside me and I stared at the papers in the file. It still felt impossible that Jordan could pull something like this. The memories I'd been trying to seal away in boxes were starting to trickle out and a tremor rocked my body. I felt Tish's hand on my back, his show of support giving me the strength to sit up straighter.