Personal Possessions (33 page)

“That is a favorite
pastime of his.”

I could hear Lauren’s
voice clear as day.

I stood there just staring
at Elle, having these thoughts roll across my mind. I was enraged
and I knew that there was only one way to ease the pain for the
both of us. I needed this guilt that consumed me to be exempted;
gone.

“I caused this.” kept
repeating over and over in my head.

I was done with this whole
fucking conversation. I saw Elle turn to walk away and I made the
decision that she was done doing that. I grabbed her arm and pulled
her into me.

“
What the fuck,
TJ?”

I still couldn’t say
anything…I was literally terrified that not only would I say the
wrong thing, but she would find a way to back out of this deal and
I needed her just as much as she needed me.

“TJ, you can’t do
this….I’m not begging.”

I carried her into the
bedroom and gently set her down. I undressed her gently…as though
she was a fragile glass vessel; I was going to remind her of how
she should be treated. Now that I knew the truth, I needed to see
what I was dealing with. I walked over to the light switch and
flipped it on.

“
Please TJ….no, please
don’t turn on the-“

I couldn’t believe my
eyes. There wasn’t a spot on her that wasn’t black and blue. I
could feel my mouth was open and my chest was tight. Elle’s
body…her beautiful body had not been treated as a place of worship
but more as a punching bag. I wanted to lay my lips against every
bruise and heal all of her.

I walked around her taking
in all I saw, burning it into my mind so that I would never forget
one inch of it while I murder Bear with my own two hands. I wish I
would’ve seen any of this before my run in with Bear, I would’ve
killed him that night.

“
TJ-“

“Shhhhh.”

I couldn’t talk, there was
nothing to say…I had to show her that she was repairable…she was
worth every fucking moment of healing. She was bendable, not
breakable and I was going to remind her of that. I gently unhooked
her bra and came around the front of her. She tried to hide
herself, I nudged her arms back down to her sides. I caught a
glimpse of her eyes, eyes that were so broken and pained, she
didn’t think she deserved to meet mine.

I placed my finger under
her chin, hoping that she would follow my lead to meet my eyes…eyes
that were filled with nothing but her. She complied but didn’t read
what I was trying to explain to her without saying a word; at least
she didn’t pull them away. I pulled her bra straps down until it
was off. She tried to hide herself again, something that wouldn’t
happen for a third time.

“Don’t you even fucking
think about it!”

I could see the wheels in
her head begin to turn, she was going to try and talk her way out
of this; talking was done…it was time for her to feel.

“
Don’t say a fucking
word.”

Every emotion that I have
ever felt in the last seventeen years…every visions…every nightmare
that I had when it came to Elle built up inside right at the center
of my chest, where the hole was now infected and oozing. I never
thought I could feel so lifeless…I wished at this very moment that
death would show its face to me, because that way I wouldn’t have
to suffer with the blame that I now placed on myself. I should’ve
come back…I waited too long. Why didn’t Rachel say
anything?

“You’re gonna regret
turning your back on her, Trevor…just remember that.”

Rachel…she knew what was
going on, that’s what that look was that day in the car. The more I
put piece after piece of what everyone else knew, the more I became
enraged. Someone should’ve opened their mouths. Why did it come to
me finding out this way…not sooner?

“You have no idea what
Elle is going through she loves her kids so much and puts up with
so much from him, he goes days without even coming
home…”

I had to feel her against
me. I knew I wasn’t in my right mind, I was crazy with rage, lust
and Elle’s recovery. I thought if I touched her, my fingers could
take away the mismatched discoloring. I kneeled down in front of
her; revering her. I touched every part of her, concentrating on
remembering how good she used to feel against me; hoping this
wasn’t a dream.

I placed my hands on her
stomach. How ecstatic would I have been to be able to feel my
babies moving inside of her, and yet…he was destroying what was
her. I couldn’t fathom the thought. I couldn’t believe how anyone
could destroy something so beautiful. The bruises…the swelling, the
humiliation he must’ve made her feel. No wonder she’s turned
herself off. I caressed her body in soft touches begging with all
that was holy to bring my Elle back.

I wanted my Elle
back.

I gently placed my mouth
where my hands had just touched. I was attempting to hold back, I
feared that she would see what was inside me…the rage…the
brokenness…the devastation, all of it, for her and shut down, but
yet, I couldn’t believe what peace I felt as I traveled over
her.

I looked up to see Elle
had shut her eyes. I wanted to call to her to watch me, to see that
there was nothing here but loveliness and splendor but I didn’t
want to ruin the moment by spooking her. She was hanging on by a
fine thread as it was, any minute I could lose her.

I knew what had to happen.
This behavior…Elle’s life as she knew it was not going to continue
on, I would make sure of it. I knew I fucked up by staying away so
long, but I had to concentrate on the here and now which was
exactly what I was going to do. That was the last time Bear would
lay a hand on her…on anyone.

I laid my head against her
stomach, I could hear her heart racing…she was scared…of me. I
fucking hated that he made her fear me.

“I’m gonna kill him
Elle.”

I couldn’t take anymore, I
was overcome with the guilt that this was my fault…all of it. If I
would’ve fought harder for her that night, this would have never
happened. If I would’ve just turned the table and took Bear down,
instead of wallowing in my own self-pity, this whole situation
would have come out with a totally different outcome; she would
have been safe…she would have been mine. The agony of knowing that
I waited so long on returning home, I could have stopped this a
long time ago.

The thought that if I
wouldn’t have told him to go home to his wife, he would have stayed
with the stripper and she would have never been hurt. I caused
this; I had to live with that.

I slowly got up and walked
into the bathroom for my breakdown. My mind was going crazy with
thoughts of what I had done to her. How could I have been so
fucking stupid! Why did I have to get out of Kip’s car and be the
bad ass? I couldn’t deal with it; I let Elle down. I was supposed
to be her anchor and I let her drift away; I lost her. I had to
take my frustration out and before I knew it, I had torn the
bathroom all to hell.

Feeling the sting of glass
piercing the skin on the bottom of my feet was nothing compared to
what the hole in my chest felt like. I deserved every ounce of pain
I was feeling, unlike Elle…she never deserved any of this. I wanted
to bear every ounce of hurt that inflicted her; to take it away and
allow her to enjoy what she deserved…happiness.

Suddenly I felt her hands
on me. Stillness gripped me. I was overwhelmed with all that was
her. Her love, peace…beauty. I hungered for that feeling to take
all this shit away.

“TJ….honey pick up your
foot Sweetie, so that I can slip on your shoe, I don’t want you to
cut yourself.”

I could feel her sitting
my down to pick up my foot, but all I could see was her, after all
I had asked of her today…after all that I had caused to her life,
she was still here, caring to me.

I was so in love with this
woman.

“
Would you like me to
leave while you get in the shower?”

“I’m sorry, Elle. I’m so,
so sorry.”

I couldn’t say anything
else. I needed her forgiveness for everything. I just wanted to
hear her say that she had forgiven what I had caused her life to
become.

“I’m so sorry,
baby.”

Elle pulled my face into
her hands and looked into my eyes and what happened next would’ve
brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already sitting; it humbled
me.

She smiled and I caught a
glimpse of that spark in her eye.

“Shhhh, TJ…..sweetie, none
of this is your fault.”

Elle didn’t know what she
was saying. It was my fault. She didn’t know about the other night,
Bear and me meeting, the fight. She knew nothing, would she say it
wasn’t my fault if she knew? I think not.

“
I’m so sorry,
baby.”

I just wanted to hear her
say that I had her forgiveness…when deep down I knew that was
something that would never come.

“It’s ok, everything is
fine.”

I couldn’t contain myself
one more minute. I didn’t want to hear it was ok one more time. It
wasn’t ok. I would never be ok in my book. I was wound as tight as
a top, the only way I was getting rid of these emotions was to fuck
them away.

I touched my hand to her
cheek and guided her eyes to mine as my head came down to hers. I
touched my lips to hers and immediately she opened for me. I
tenderly kissed her to show her that I was sorry and she kissed me
back telling me that all was right…this was right. She wanted me as
much as I wanted her. This made me proceed forward. I stood up,
pulling Elle with me, never breaking the kiss. My lips pushed
harder as Elle began to deepen the kiss…I pulled back.

“TJ babe, I’m not
glass.”

Was she fucking serious?
She would never understand how delicate she truly was. How much she
affected people. I revered her; worshipped her, for seventeen
years, no one could amount to her and there wouldn’t be another
woman that would in my eyes.

“
That’s just it, Elle. Yes
you are. You should never have to hurt like this.”

I needed her, I wasn’t
leaving this bedroom without her knowing what she meant to me, I
was through talking about it. I was going to show her. I didn’t
even wait until we stepped into the room to remove her top again
and she allowed me. I put my lips back over hers as I guided her to
the side of the bed and gently laid her down. I needed this time
with her as she did with me. I covered her body with my tongue
tasting every part of her skin that she would allow. I wasn’t going
to push it, she needed to say the words for it to really get going.
Her moans were consent for me to move forward and I endeavored for
them to continue with every single kiss I laid on her.

My cock was throbbing, I
needed nothing more than to make her mine again. I wanted too. Bear
would never have her again. Once she allowed me inside of her, no
man would ever touch her again…I would make sure of
that.

I pulled back for a moment
and looked down at the scene that was playing out in front of me.
Elle laid there, completely naked…underneath me. Her beautiful body
was sprawled out as though she was a buffet and I was there to get
my fill. It took all that was within me not to touch her. Fuck, I
needed to touch her.

“Say the words Elle, I
have to hear them from you, I have to know that you want this just
as bad as I do. This can’t be all just me.”

Just as I finished, Elle
bowed up, presenting herself to me as though she was my gift. She
drew her knees up and spread them so that I could see all that was
between and she was so ready for me. Her pussy was glistening and
wet. I wanted to run my tongue between those lips and drink up
every last drop of her.

Suddenly, Elle sat up and
put her face up to mine as she rubbed her nose against
mine.

“
Please TJ, I need you
baby. TJ honey, please, I’m begging you here.”

That was all I needed to
hear. I kissed her gently as I laid her back down to the bed. I
couldn’t get enough of her and now that she gave me the words, she
was going to remember everything that was TJ and Elle;
together…anchored.

“I’ve missed this baby.
You’re still so beautiful. You will never fully comprehend what you
do to me. ”

I worked my way down past
her bellybutton, approaching where I had dreamed of being when I
felt Elle jolt and almost climb the wall. Shit…what did I do? I
must’ve moved too fast. Oh god, I scared the shit outta
her.

“No….anything but that,
you can’t do that, no putting your mouth on it.”

Ok, this was an easy fix,
I took a breath and relaxed.

“Elle baby, I’ve done it
before on you, please… I have to taste you.”

“
No, anything but that.
You can’t put your mouth on it.”

I took a deep breath, I
was thrilled that Elle was opening up with me about her
insecurities but this was definitely not the time for this
conversation.

“
Why, why can’t I put my
mouth on it?”

I was trying to keep my
composure. Days upon days of blue balls and jerking off in the
shower was beginning to affect me…but I was keeping my
cool.