Plain Paradise (28 page)

“We will say special prayers for him. I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Linda paused. “Josie, there’s something I want to ask you.”

Josie pulled her hand from Linda’s knee, smoothed wrinkles from her pink shirt, and twisted to face her. “What’s that?”

Linda locked eyes with Josie. “Tell me what’s really wrong with you. I want to know the truth.”

17

J
OSIE PULLED HERSELF TO A STANDING POSITION, BUT
kept her back to Linda. She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment and pondered how to avoid a lie and still stay true to Mary Ellen’s wishes.

“I have really bad headaches that cause me to lose control of my motor functions, and sometimes I have seizures.” Josie turned to face Linda and shrugged. “And that’s the truth. Sometimes I feel really bad. Other days are good.”

Linda’s accusing gaze burned through Josie, and she wondered just how mad Linda was going to be when she became privy to the entire truth, not just bits and pieces of the truth. She didn’t want Linda to look at her the way Robert did sometimes, with pity in his eyes.

“What causes these headaches?” Linda stood up and folded her arms across her chest. Then she slammed them to her side and stomped one foot. “Please, Josie. I know you’re all not telling me something, and I’m not a child!”

Josie jumped, caught off guard by Linda’s display. “I know you’re not a child. I never said—”

“Then tell me!” Linda took a step toward her. “Just tell me what’s wrong with you.”

Josie turned her head toward the bedroom door as it swung open.

“What’s all this yelling in here?” Mary Ellen’s lips thinned with irritation as she shifted her gaze back and forth between Josie and Linda, finally centering on Linda. “What are you yelling about?”

Linda lowered her head, then looked back up at Mary Ellen. “I know there is something else wrong with Josie. Something she’s not telling me. Do you know too,
Mamm
? Is there something you’re all not telling me?”

Mary Ellen’s face clouded with unease. She glanced at Josie, then back at Linda. “Why do you ask such a thing, Linda?”

“I can just tell,
Mamm
. By the way you are all behaving. Even
Onkel
Noah. And I am old enough to know what’s going on.”

Mary Ellen moved across the room until she was right in front of Linda. “Everything will be fine.” She reached out to touch Linda’s arm, but Linda backed away as she gritted her teeth and released a heavy breath through her nose.

“Linda.” Mary Ellen’s voice was disciplinary. Josie got the impression that this was not Linda’s normal behavior. “Why are you acting in such a manner?”

“Because you are not telling me the truth!”

“Hey, hey.” Noah walked into the room. “What’s going on?”

Linda ran to her uncle and threw her arms around him. “
Onkel
Noah, please tell me the truth. Everyone is treating me like a child. There’s something wrong with Josie, and you all aren’t telling me.”

Noah eased her away, cupped her cheek in his hand, and stared lovingly into her eyes. Then his eyes locked with Josie’s. “Tell her.”

Mary Ellen took a step toward him. “But Noah, I don’t think this is—”

Noah silenced her with narrowed eyes. “There is never going to be a good time, Mary Ellen.”

“Tell me what?” Linda ripped out the words as she faced her mother, then shifted her angry gaze to Josie. “Tell me what, Josie?”

Josie was frozen in limbo, in a place where no good would come from whatever response she offered. A war of emotions raged within her, but she knew the time of reckoning was upon them, so she tried to mask her inner turmoil with a deceptive calmness. “Linda, what we’ve told you is true. We just didn’t tell you everything, because I wanted time for you to get to know me. Time for me to get to know you.” She searched Mary Ellen’s eyes for guidance, but Mary Ellen was biting her lip, holding her breath. “Linda, I have a brain tumor. A tumor that they can’t operate on or take out, and . . .” She searched for the words as her bottom lip began to tremble. “I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean,
sorry
?” Linda choked out the words in a small voice.

Josie knew that a good mother would keep her raw emotions in check, keep in tempo with what needed to be said, but the words caught in her throat. “I’m—I’m dying, Linda.”

A black silence surrounded them as they waited for Linda to react, and then Josie saw Linda’s mouth begin to move, but she couldn’t grasp what she was saying. Josie could feel the color draining from her face as tiny bolts of light shimmied in front her, purple rods of warning, a sign that another seizure was forthcoming.
I’ve never had two in one day
.

She could see Linda moving toward her through eyes she was struggling to keep open, and the tip of her tongue edged toward the roof of her mouth as if magnetized by something out of her control.

“She’s having another seizure,” Noah said.

It was the last thing Josie heard.

When Josie opened her eyes, it took her a few minutes to figure out where she was, then she hazily remembered Noah carrying her to his car. She blinked her eyes into focus to find a room full of people hovering around her, and she scanned the rustic room until she saw Linda. Josie could tell Linda had been crying, and she longed to ease her suffering.

“How are you feeling?” Mary Ellen was standing at the foot of the bed. To her left were Noah and Linda. A man she didn’t know and two teenage boys were standing to her right.

“Tired.” She reached up and touched the side of her head, then pulled back when pain speared through her temple.

“You fell before we could get to you.” Noah sighed. “You’ve got a pretty good knot on your head, but luckily the floor was carpeted.”

“Josephine, I’d like you to meet my family.” Mary Ellen walked to the older man’s side. “This is my husband, Abe. And these are our two boys, Matthew and Luke.”

They each moved forward and shook her hand, then she studied them for a moment. The taller boy, Matthew, was wearing a dark brown shirt, and his brother was wearing a dark blue shirt like their father. They all had on black pants and suspenders and made for a handsome trio.

“Your family is lovely.” Josie forced a smile for each of them, even though her head was splitting. Then she homed in on Linda, and tried to fight the tears building in her eyes as she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Linda shuffled closer to the bed and reached for Josie’s hand. “
Danki
for telling me.” She smiled. “We are all going to be praying for you constantly.”

“Prayers are being offered across a broad network of prayer groups as we speak.” Noah smiled. “I’ve already called Carley, and she’s put the wheels in motion. Before we even hit the driveway, thousands of people had started praying for you, Josie.”

Josie glanced at Mary Ellen, and for a moment, the women just stared at each other. No words were necessary. Mary Ellen knew her secret. Thankfully, it didn’t appear that Mary Ellen had shared Josie’s lack of faith with the other members of her family. Josie wasn’t sure how Mary Ellen’s husband would feel about having a nonbeliever under their roof. Josie knew how devout the Amish were. If Mary Ellen didn’t want her here, she certainly could have used that as an excuse.

Josie finally pulled her gaze from Mary Ellen’s when the oldest boy turned to his father and spoke. “
Daed
, I’m gonna go get the horses put up.”

“You boys go ahead.” Abe nodded at the boys, who seemed anxious to be on their way.

“Josie, I’m going to go,” Noah said. “If you have any problems at all, call me on my cell phone.” Then he eased closer, touched her arm. “These seizures are going to come with more frequency, but I’m going to talk to a neurologist I know and see if we can get you something stronger to help with that. And I’m going to give Mary Ellen some information about what she needs to do if it looks like you might have another one. It’s important that you get lots of rest too.” He paused, his brows wrinkling. “I’m sure plenty of doctors have told you what to expect?”

She nodded and wondered if she should be in the hospital, although she knew that realistically this could drag on for months. This was such an imposition on Linda’s family until Robert returned. She tugged at her pink blouse with her left hand and pulled it away from her body, shaking it.
So hot
. A tiny fan on the nightstand blew full force in her direction, but it did little to help with the still heat inside the room. Green shades were drawn high above two open windows on the wall to Josie’s right, but no breeze blew through the screens.
How can they sleep
in this heat
?

Josie scanned her surroundings. As Linda had told her, there were two beds in the room. In between the beds was a wooden nightstand with one drawer—a simple but lovely piece of furniture, with a pitcher of water, two glasses, a Bible, and a box of tissue on top. And a lantern. Josie eyed the relic and wondered if she was making a mistake. No electricity. The heat. No television. Sometimes, television was the only thing that kept her mind on something other than her own fate.

An oak dresser was against the wall opposite the beds, another well-crafted piece of furniture. One rocking chair was in the corner, and there were no wall hangings except for a calendar and a small mirror.

Then she glanced up at Linda and realized that none of that mattered if she could spend time with her daughter.

After Noah left, Mary Ellen asked Linda to go start supper while she spoke with Josie. Linda pouted a bit, but left, promising to return shortly.

“How is she?” Josie propped herself up higher in the bed. “I don’t really remember anything.”

Mary Ellen walked to the window and lowered the blind a few inches to block out the sun as it began to set. Then she turned to Josie. “You were in such bad shape at the time, she said very little. I will try to talk with her more later.” She paused. “Or . . . she’ll be in here with you. Perhaps you would like to talk with her about it.”

Josie nodded. “Thank you for having me in your home, Mary Ellen. I know this must seem awkward—”

“The bathroom is down the hall to your left. You’ll find everything you need in there if you’d like to bathe later.”

“Okay.” Besides the obvious, Josie could feel the other elephant in the room. “Thank you for not saying anything about my—my lack of faith.”

Mary Ellen stared blankly at her for a few moments. “Is it something you’re ashamed of ?”

“No.” Josie didn’t mean to sound so defensive, but Mary Ellen didn’t seem affected by her tone.

“Do you not know of the Lord? Were you not educated as a child?”

“Oh, I was educated. I just don’t think I ever really
got
it.” Josie pushed back the light sheet that was covering her legs. “And then I married Robert, and he doesn’t believe in God. At all. And his arguments against a higher power seemed valid.” She leaned her head backward against the wall. “I guess it’s been so long now since I’ve thought about God, I just—I just figure it’s too late for me. Although, the other day . . .”

Mary Ellen sat down on the edge of the bed, waited for Josie to go on.

“I felt something.” Josie recalled the voice in her head.
I am here
My child. The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God
. “I was praying, and I heard something, and it seemed so real.”

“I thought you didn’t believe.” Mary Ellen arched her brows.

“I don’t, but . . .”

“Then why would you pray?”

She shrugged. “I’m dying, Mary Ellen. I guess I was willing to try anything.”

They sat quietly for a moment.

“My husband is a good man.” Josie reached for the cup on the nightstand, poured herself some water, and took a big gulp. “He really is. He does for everyone but himself. He is the most kindhearted, loving, generous person I’ve ever known. Robert is full of goodness.”

Mary Ellen’s expression was somber. “Why do you feel the need to defend him?”

“I know how strong your faith is, Mary Ellen. All the Amish. I just don’t want you to think he’s a bad man. Or . . . that I’m a bad person for not believing.”

“It’s not my place to judge. Only God can do that.”

It grew quiet again, and Mary Ellen stood up. “I’ll let you rest.” She turned to leave.

“Mary Ellen?”

She turned to face her. “
Ya
?”

“What if I’m wrong? About God?” She pulled her knees to her chest.

Mary Ellen locked eyes with her, a kindness in her expression that Josie hadn’t seen from her before. Softly, she said, “Exactly. What if you are wrong?”

Then she turned and left.P