Plain Paradise (31 page)

“Close your eyes and picture the most perfect place imaginable, and then add the happiest moment in your life to that picture.”

Josie closed her eyes and whispered, “When Linda was born.”

“How do you feel?”

Her eyes were still closed, and Jonas gave her a reassuring squeeze with his hand, glad she couldn’t see the look of agony on his face as another shot of pain seared down his spine.

Josie smiled. “I feel like I want to love unconditionally, this beautiful child, for the rest of my life.”

“That is how God thinks of you. He loves you now, the same way He loved you when you felt His love through the gift of a child.”

Her eyes opened, and her face filled with anger. “But He took that child away from me.”

“Did He?”

“Yes, God took my baby away from me to be raised by someone I didn’t even know. My own flesh and blood. And now I am dying, and I won’t even get to see her grow into a mature woman.”

“This angers you that God would do this?”

“Yes!” She stared at him with tears pouring down his face. “I am angry with God!”

Jonas breathed a sigh of relief. “Then tell Him that.”

“What?” Her face twisted into confusion.

“Tell God that you’re mad at Him. If you don’t believe in Him, what harm can it do?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right to blame . . .” She let go of Jonas’s hand and brought both hands to her head. He could see her right hand trembling, and Jonas worried he might be pushing her too hard.

“And yet, you do. Blame Him.”

“I’m confused. I’m scared. I need something, and I don’t know what it is. I feel lost.”

“We all feel lost before we are found, dear Josie.” Jonas sighed. “Look at me.”

She sniffled, then pulled her hands away from her face.

“I’m leaving soon. I can feel it. And I regret that you and I won’t have more time together. So, I’m going to offer you these parting words.” He took a deep breath, hoping, praying that Josie would understand what he was saying. “
The fool hath said in his heart,
There is no God
.”

Josie felt like she might faint when she heard Jonas speak the words she’d heard before—words not harsh, threatening, or fearful, but a declaration that brought on emotions Josie couldn’t quite identify.

She stared at Jonas, wishing she would have more time with this man. Linda and Mary Ellen were right. There is something special about him.

“Jonas, is it too late for me? Too late for me to reconcile with God?”

His eyes were barely open, and his lips moved slowly. “It’s never too late.”

“But won’t God think I’m just trying to get in His good graces because I am—I am not going to be here long?”

Jonas fought to keep his eyes open. “Josie, you don’t sound like a woman who doesn’t believe, but a woman who has lost her faith somewhere along the line. God doesn’t care what brings you to Him, just that you go to Him. Pray, Josie. And talk to Mary Ellen. She is a wise woman.”

Josie couldn’t picture chatting with Mary Ellen about God. Then Robert flashed into her mind.
I miss you so much, Robert
. What would Robert think about her attempt to have a relationship with God? Would he think she was silly? She stood up from the chair and walked back and forth across the room, eventually zoning in on a calendar on the far wall with bright yellow flowers for the month of June. She stared at the colorful blooms as her mind raced.

“How will I know I’ve connected with God?”

“You will know.”

Her back was still to Jonas as she folded her arms across her chest. She noticed her right hand trembling. “I don’t think I could ever believe in miracles, but I want to go with an inner peace in my heart, hope for something after this life. My husband doesn’t believe, but I should make my own choice. I haven’t really allowed myself to explore the possibilities.” She sighed. “I’m confused, I admit, but Jonas, I feel something I haven’t felt throughout all of this.” She relaxed her arms and reached up and touched the yellow flowers on the calendar. “I feel a glimmer of hope. Thank you for talking with me.” She turned and faced him.

“Jonas?”

He smiled as he stared off in space at the rocker in the corner of the room. “Irma Rose is here. God’s peace to you, Josie.”

And he closed his eyes.

19

J
OSIE’ S VISIT WITH
J
ONAS WORE HER OUT MORE THAN
she’d expected it would, and she’d spent the remainder of the day napping on and off. It was eleven that night when Josie’s cell phone buzzed on the nightstand between her and Linda, and she quickly reached for it.

“Robert, I miss you. Hold on.” She jumped from the bed, tiptoed across the wooden floor, and stumbled down the stairs in the dark. “I’m going outside so I don’t wake Linda up,” she whispered. “Are you all right?” She groped her way through the den and onto the front porch.

“I’m fine, sweetie, but I am so frustrated. Still trying to get out of here. Are you all right? How are you feeling? Any more seizures?”

“I’m okay. I had another seizure after Noah called you, but I haven’t had one since then. No headache either. I miss you so much, Robert. But don’t worry about coming home. I’m with Linda, sleeping in the same room with her. If anything happens, she’s right there, plus I’ll really get to know her this way. So you should plan to finish your business there. Really. Even if the airports open in the next few days.”

“No, Josie. I should have never come. I should have never, ever left you. I just want to come home and be with you. Maybe Linda could stay with us some of the time, but I don’t want to be away from you. This whole trip was a bad idea. I love you so much, baby. I’m going to hope the airports reopen soon, and I’ll be on the first flight.”

“I love you too, Robert.” She paused. “You’re never going to believe what happened this morning.”

“What’s that?”

“Linda took me to meet a friend of the family. Well, actually, I think he’s a relative by marriage, but anyway . . . he was a wonderful old man, and Robert—he died right in front of me in his bed at home.”

“What? Oh my gosh! Are you all right? That must have been horrible.”

Josie thought for a moment. “You know, I’d just met the man, but I cried when he passed. Strange, huh?”

“Why would Linda take you there, to a dying man’s home?”

She sighed as she recalled Jonas taking his last breath, unsure how much to share with Robert. “She said he was special and that she wanted me to meet him.”

“Hmm . . . Seems odd.”

“I wish I would have had more time to spend with him.” She paused with a smile. “His name is Jonas. This entire community seems rocked by the loss. Poor Linda cried really hard earlier tonight. And, Robert, she climbed in the bed with me, and I just held her. It was the first time I felt like—like a mother.”

“Oh, baby. I’m so glad you’re getting to spend time with her. I know how much you wanted that.”

“And you made it possible. You are the best husband in the entire world, and I don’t deserve you.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Josie. You know that. You’re my wife, and I love you.”

Josie had thought a lot about her life all day, on and off between naps, about the possibilities of something to look forward to. She’d prayed tonight, really prayed. Prayed for strength and courage, for Linda, for Jonas’s family, and for the knowledge to understand what having a relationship with God really means. Maybe she’d imagined it, or was just relieved not to have a headache, but a calm had settled over her.

“Jonas talked with me about God, Robert.”

“He’s Amish. They have a very strong faith. I’m not surprised.”

Silence dredged a gap between them, and Josie felt oddly detached from Robert for a moment. “Linda and I prayed together tonight too. For quite a while.” More silence. “Maybe we’re wrong, Robert. About God. I mean, who’s to say that just because we don’t have something tangible, that a higher being doesn’t exist?”

“Sweetheart, I have told you from the day we met that it’s important for you to form your own opinion about this. I don’t think I ever forced my beliefs on you, did I?”

Josie knew he hadn’t. She’d just listened to his arguments against God and decided for herself that no God of hers would strip her of her child and deny her the ability to have another one. She recalled when Jonas said she was angry with God. Josie wondered if she’d always been angry, which made it easier to pull away from Him. Maybe she’d always believed.

“No, you didn’t force anything on me,” she finally said. “But I think I want to investigate the possibility of something after this, Robert.”

Another silence, then Robert said, “Then you should.” He paused. “But Josie, I won’t change what I believe.”

“I know.”

She’d been married to Robert for twelve years, and at this moment, his last comment bothered her more than any harsh words they’d ever exchanged. How would this affect their relationship?

“I’m hoping the airports will reopen in a day or so, and I’ll keep you posted. Josie, I am keeping my phone with me at all times. Please, baby, call me if you need to anytime, and make sure Linda and her family have my phone number to call if anything—happens. I mean, if you have a seizure or something.”

“I will.” She took a deep breath.
Please God, keep Robert safe
. Josie realized that prayer came easier with each passing moment, and she wondered why.

“Well, I guess I better go, but I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too, Robert.”P

The next day, the community celebrated the life of a man they’d all loved. There was much admonition for the living as well as respect offered for Jonas. A hymn was spoken, not sung, and following the service, Jonas was laid to rest in a hand-dug grave next to his beloved Irma Rose, his wooden coffin plain and simple with no ornate carvings. As customary, friends and family gathered for a meal at Jonas’s home following the service.

Linda didn’t think she’d ever stop crying, plus the thought of going through this again with Josie was overwhelming.

She glanced around the kitchen as the womenfolk worked to set out the meal and fill tea glasses. Jonas’s wife, poor Lizzie, had only shared a few years of marriage with Jonas, but Linda didn’t doubt for a minute that her love for Jonas was immeasurable. Linda watched the frail, gray-haired woman pouring tea with shaky hands and swollen eyes. Linda scanned the room to see where she might be needed, but everything to do with the meal was being handled. She slowly walked from the kitchen to the den and scanned those mourning.

Her
Onkel
Noah and
Aenti
Carley were sitting on the couch, entertaining their daughter, Jenna. Kade, Sadie, and their two children sat on the far side of the den, with Kade’s arm wrapped around Sadie who was crying softly. Jonas’s daughter, Sarah Jane, brushed past Linda and offered tea to several of the men. Linda heard her sniffling as she passed back by her. Uncle Samuel was sitting in a rocking chair with his two young girls in his lap, and her cousin, David, stood nearby. Linda had already seen Lillian in the kitchen, not much good to anyone. Her poor aunt could barely function.

Jonas was going to be missed, and Linda’s heart hurt for all the friends and family who’d gathered at his home today. She passed back through the den and into the kitchen. Josie was helping her mother line up loaves of homemade bread on the counter, assisted by two other
Englisch
women, Barbie Beiler and Lucy Turner. Linda didn’t think Josie and her mother were exactly friends, but they were respectful of one another, and Linda was just glad that Josie felt well enough to come today. Yesterday had been a bad day, and Josie hardly got out of bed after they’d visited Jonas. Another headache.

Linda wasn’t sure how Josie would feel about coming to a funeral, but she’d insisted that she wanted to pay her respects to this very special man.

“Linda, can you open that door?” Her
Aenti
Rebecca nodded toward the door in the kitchen as she carried a tray with full glasses of tea. “I want to get these to those outside in this heat.”

“
Ya
.” Linda pushed the screen door open and let it slam behind her. She walked down the porch steps and into the yard. When she stepped around to the side of the house to have a moment to herself, she heard voices coming from the back.