Private Emotions – Appointments (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (19 page)

The gift shop was my first stop, but I didn’t see what I wanted and started to panic. I wanted to keep my word that I would bring her a present but it had to be special. I left there disappointed and I was on my way to her room empty-handed when a man stopped in the hall and started crying. A doll fell from his arms and he continued walking away with his hands touching the wall for support.

“Excuse me but I think that you dropped this.”

He turned and said, “That was my daughter’s, she just...” The pain on this face told me everything...he did not have to utter another word. I knew too well that Kelly would soon meet the same fate. “I don’t want to see that thing again. It was her favorite doll and even though it brought her comfort during her fight for the last few months...” His voice was cracking with the grief he was under and he could not finish his sentence. I wondered if I would be going through the same thing when Kelly passed on. I put the thought out of my mind, at least for now. “Take it and maybe some other sick child will find the power in it that helped my little girl. I just can’t look at it anymore, I...”

His grief overpowered him and he turned away from my gaze. I watched a broken man walk away from me that day. After he was out of sight, I looked down at the doll and saw that it was the perfect gift for Kelly.

I walked into the room with my hands behind my back and Kelly smiled when she saw me. I lovingly smiled in return and pulled the doll out for her to see. She snatched it from me so fast that I didn’t know it was gone until I saw her clutching it in her hand. The joy that radiated from her was everything that I needed to see and she was hugging it with all her might.

“I love it, I love her, Emily!”

“So, what will you name her? Her name must be special because she is a very special doll.”

“I will call her...um, Zoey!”

“Zoey. That’s a very pretty name, Kelly, and do you want to know why Zoey is so special?” Kelly nodded her head excitedly in anticipation of what I was about to tell her.

“Zoey, has a secret power that I think you should know about.” Her attention was grabbed and she was hanging on my every word. “You see...” I looked around the room pretending that I wanted to make sure we were alone when I divulged Zoey’s secret. “...Zoey is here so that all your fears will be magically taken away, so you can concentrate on getting better. You can talk to Zoey and she’ll listen and be your best friend. So when you feel alone or afraid just tell her how you feel and by morning she will make things better.”

“Wow...thanks, Emily.”

“Just use her to fight back with everything you can, ok?” She nodded in approval as if she was 100% sure. I sat and talked with her for about an hour and then I had to leave to go to work although I wasn’t feeling much like going to work. I walked as quickly as I could through the halls of the ward. My heart broke each time I saw a child being wheeled past me.

I couldn’t even remember how I drove to work. My mind must have been on autopilot while I just steered the car in the right direction. By the time I got to the office my eyes were a mess because I had been crying all the way from the hospital. There was no way that I could concentrate on what I had to do. I needed today to compose myself and refocus. Kelly had much more of an impact on me than I had thought. “Damn fate and damn the gods.” I knew that was not the right thing to say but it was how I felt.

My boss was very understanding when I told her what was going on. She told me that I could have the day off and hoped that I would bounce back from this.

“I just need a couple of days to get myself back into the right state of mind. I’ll definitely be back to work on Monday. Thankfully, all my work is completed for the next couple of days so unless more clients come in unexpectedly, we should be ok.”

During the drive home, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to take the day off, since my work would have preoccupied my time. Now I needed something to take my mind off of things for a bit. There was a comedy show at 1 PM, and amazingly it actually made me feel better for a time but it didn’t last as I felt this ennui come over me.

I tried various things to lift my mood, from walking along the river’s edge to people watching as I sat on the park bench and sipped my latte. I even made an impromptu appointment for an hour at a spa. I found that these were just mere patches and not what I really needed. There was only one thing that I hadn’t tried yet and I was reluctant to go that route. I was falling fast into a depression and he was the only one that I thought could help me to come out of it. I wasn’t willing to impart on him the true reason for my needing him. It just didn’t seem fair to me to dump this pain on him.

I returned to the apartment and felt my mood spiraling further downwards. I put my head into my hands, leaned forward and just started to cry. I needed to talk to someone so I decided to call Ronnie and unload my burden on her. “I just can’t believe she won’t be with us for much longer and it hurts me just knowing that a wonderful spirit like hers will be lost to the world forever.”

“You can’t think of it that way, Em. We know God has a plan for all of us and it just so happens he wants Kelly back earlier than most. Besides, her spirit as you put it, will always be with you in your heart and will always live on through the ones that her life has touched.”

“I never thought of it like that before but it still doesn’t make me feel better inside. She is only seven! Seven, Ronnie...seven!”

“It’s going to be a hard road and your emotions are bound to go all over the place during this time. Just try and take one day at a time and you’ll get through it and you know that Mark and I will always be here whenever you need us.”

“That is a great comfort, Ronnie, and I’ll probably be leaning on all my friends for this one. I’ll chat with you another time. Give my love to Mark.”

“Will do, Em, and remember that whatever happens between us, our friendship is very special to me.” I thought that was a strange statement to make but under the circumstances I just let it fall. I told Ronnie that I appreciated her wise counsel and I would definitely be in touch.

I tried to distract myself by doing some overdue household chores. I got some laundry together, dusted the whole apartment and even made a cup of coffee to calm me down. It was exactly what I needed and I felt my frazzled emotions coming back together.

I still felt the need to see Ethan so I slipped a note under his door asking him to pop around if he had the time later. I decided to take a bath to wash away the trials of the day before switching on the computer to chat with friends.

A couple of hours passed before there was a knock on my door. I got up, went to the door and saw through the peephole that Ethan was waiting for me to open it. Seeing his face made all the emotions that I thought I had gotten under control come flooding back to the surface.

As I opened the door his smile slowly disappeared as he saw the anguish in my eyes. He waited for me to say something but the words just would not come. “What is it, Emily? Something is wrong.”

My voice cracked considerably and I struggled with the words “Ethan...I was wondering if you could stay for a while...I just need...to, be with you.” With each syllable, it became increasingly difficult to get the right words out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I could not say another word because I knew that I would have burst into tears. I was not quite ready for Ethan to see that side of me so I just shook my head which told him I did not want to discuss it. “Ok, perhaps later then.” He said those words with a tenderness that I really needed to hear.

Without warning, he grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace that totally took me by surprise. “You don’t have to say a thing. I am here for you.” This strong man was holding me firmly against him and I felt safe and secure knowing that he was there for me whenever I needed him.

“Let’s just sit and have a cup of coffee.” I went to the kitchen and grabbed the already hot kettle from beside the sink and filled two cups with the warm brew. He didn’t try to push me into saying anything and just sat there holding my hand. He let me know that I wasn’t alone and that he was there to comfort me. For a man that I had only just met he was fast becoming a very close and personal confidant. I found he was open and willing to go the extra mile for someone he cared about.

“Emily, I can see that whatever this is, it is eating you up inside, and if you want to talk then I have a shoulder to lean on.” He was looking at me like I was going to fall apart at any minute. He wasn’t far off the mark, considering that he had just pulled me out of the abyss that I was quickly falling back into. Knowing that I could trust him was more than I could possibly hope for. I closed my eyes and leaned into him with a soft sigh. I could smell the comforting scent of his cologne and heard the gentle thumping of his heartbeat. I allowed myself to just go blank. I did not want to think or feel about what I had discovered at the hospital or about my visit.

He lifted my face so that he could look at me and wiped away the one tear that had formed in the corner of my eye with his thumb. He then slowly came towards me until our lips touched and suddenly everything that I was thinking about started to slowly fade from my thoughts. His lips were soft and yielding and I fell into him. As he slowly moved his mouth down on my neck, it made me hope that this was just the beginning of more to come.

He stood up and reached out for my hand, which I was more than happy to give him. He showed me that his body was mine, and right then, I wanted nothing more than to immerse myself into a lovemaking session that would take me away to another place and time.

“Let me in, Emily, and I swear to you that you’ll never regret it.” We were now in the bedroom and he was doing all the work. I just stood there and took in the sculpted body of this man that wanted nothing more than to please and pleasure me. We lay back on the bed and he lifted my now naked body higher onto it and turned me onto my stomach. I wasn’t sure what he had in mind but then something warm hit my skin and then his hands were moving along my flesh, kneading and touching me in a very special way. Those hands were a godsend and I just closed my eyes and let him massage my cares away.

With careful motions he caressed me and held onto my ass with his hands, while digging his fingers sensuously into my flesh. I hadn’t felt this relaxed and safe in such a long time. I just didn’t know what to do, other than to will his hands to go lower. He must’ve been a mind reader because he spread my ass cheeks and then added more massage oil to my pussy lips. His fingers moved in and out of me while the oil warmed with his touch.

“Yes, that is so much what I needed but maybe it’s time for something a little more intimate.” His fingers moved away and then his cock head touched my lower lips. I could feel that he had slathered more oil on his shaft and head, giving him a heat that penetrated my core. His lips touched my ears and then worked over my neck. He slowly made love to me with soft gentle strokes that were more pleasurable than I could have believed. His movements were getting quicker and the heated oil was getting hotter with the friction. He continued to thrust in and out of me until my body was surrounded by a bliss that had me grabbing onto his love stick with all my might. I reached down and held him, and stroked him, while he fucked me lovingly into another world. He joined me in his delicious release and I felt him spurt like a volcano into my love cavern. I arched up onto my hands and knees but he didn’t go completely soft and instead gave me three hard and quick thrusts before it all came to an end. My mouth opened and I moaned softly as his cock slithered out of me from when we were joined as one.

In the morning, he came to me with a cup of coffee, not bothering to cover up his well-defined body but let me see him swinging in the breeze. “I have to go but I want you to come to my place for dinner. I think a good home cooked meal always brightens any mood. What do you say?”

“Sure, that sounds like fun.” He kissed me lightly which started to stir my excitement but he got dressed and left before I could cajole him into a morning go.