Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (24 page)

Doorbell rings.

Tom
     Maybe we should call the police.

David
     No.

Tom
     They shouldn’t be doing that, middle of the night.

David
     Ssssh. Pretend no one’s in.

Tom
     What?

David
     Sssshhh.

Doorbell rings again. Pause.

Phil
(
off
)     Hello. Hello.

Long pause.

Phil
(
off
)     Hello. Hello. David.

Tom
     He said ‘David’.

David
     Yeah?

Tom
     Yes. He knows you.

David
     No, no.

Phil
(
off
)     Fucking hell. David. Come on.

Tom
     Look –

David
     No.

Tom
     I’m going to sort this out.

Exit
Tom
.

David
     Shit.

Phil
(
off
)     Oh. Hello.

Tom
(
off
)     Hello.

Phil
     I’m looking for David.

Tom
     You know David?

Phil
     Yeah. Biblically.

Tom
     Really? Then you’d better go through.

Enter
Phil
followed by
Tom
.

Phil
     Hello.

David
     Hello.

Phil
     I need a bath.

David
     Yeah?

Phil
     I smell like shit in summer.

Tom
     Oh, I think David quite likes that.

Phil
     Yeah?

Tom
     Oh yes, the oikier the better, isn’t that right?

David
     Listen.

Tom
     Oh yes. I should just let him fuck you as you are.

Phil
     No.

Tom
     No?

Phil
     He likes me to fuck him.

David
     Oh come on.

Tom
     Really? He always said it hurt when I tried to do it.

David
     Please.

Tom
     Couldn’t take it, could you, my love? Still, I suppose when they’re pre-pubescent . . .

Phil
     What you saying?

Tom
     Nothing.

Phil
     You saying my dick’s small?

Tom
     Oh, come back to me when your balls have dropped.

Phil
     Fuck off. Fuck off.

Phil
starts to take off his clothes.

David
     Look, please. . .

Tom
(
to
David
)     Come on then. You too – trousers off. Come on. Don’t mind me. Trousers down and off you go. This I have got to see. Stick his smeggy little rancid cock up you. Come on. Come on.

David
     No.

Tom
     Because if that’s what you want. If this little piece of human garbage is all you can aspire to then fine.

Phil
     Fuck off. / Don’t you . . . Fuck off.

David
     Please. Please. Stop.

Phil
     You gonna let him talk to me like that?

David
     Well I. . .

Phil
     Don’t you talk to me like that.

Tom
     Oh don’t worry. Don’t you worry. I’m not going to talk to you – to you or to him – ever again.

David
     Please . . .

Pause.

Phil
     I’m gonna run my bath.

Exit
Phil
.
Pause
.

David
     I’m sorry. I . . .

Tom
     You know what? This is sad. It’s just sad. It’s just such a fucking tragedy when you’re a grown-up and you’re trying to live like you’re nineteen. When all you can do is work so you can go to the gym and gossip and no pecs, no sex and live your shallow, shallow little life.

David
     Yes? So what? So what do you want?

Tom
     I want some kind of commitment.

David
     So – up with the Wendy House. Up with the Wendy House and how did Mummy and Daddy do it and their mummy and daddy do it and let’s be like them. Yeah and let’s move to suburbia and / bleach those nets and twitch, twitch, twitch.

Tom
     Oh fuck off, fuck off.

Exit
Tom
.
Pause. Enter
Phil
, a towel wrapped around him
.

Phil
     Bath’s running. Wanna share it?

David
     No.

Phil
     You can scrub all the tricky bits.

David
     No. I can’t handle . . . no. I found your gear. In the cistern, I found your gear.

Phil
     So?

David
     So. I thought you were clean.

Phil
     I am.

David
     But you’re still keeping your gear in my toilet?

Phil
     For emergencies.

David
     Yeah?

Phil
     For if I have an emergency. If I can’t handle stuff.

David
     What stuff? You haven’t got any stuff to handle.

Phil
     That’s what you think.

David
     You’ve got it easy. You’re safe. I feed you. I give you clothes. If you want me to wipe your bottom . . .

Phil
     I can’t handle you. You do my head in.

David
     Oh come on.

Phil
     What you trying to make me into? What are you doing to me? Fucking poof ’s food. Fucking
queen’s
clothes. That’s not me. That’s you that is. Well, maybe I don’t want to be you . . .

David
     And what do you want to be?

Phil
     I dunno . . . me.

David
     And what are you exactly?

Phil
     I dunno.

David
     Junkie? Junkie cunt who doesn’t see his own kid? Smelly little street boy druggie?

Phil
     Fuck off.

David
     I’m trying to make you into something.

Phil
     Yeah. Your bumchum. Well, I ain’t gonna do it any more. I ain’t gonna stick it up you any more. Alright? Where you going?

David
     I’m going to throw it away.

Phil
pushes
David
over, kicks him.

Phil
     What? What you gonna do that for? Fuck you. Fuck you.

David
     I want you to . . . just leave me alone.

Phil
     I’m not doing that.

David
     I want you to go.

Phil
     No. Don’t go after him. Stay with me. Stay. I’m not going. I’ll be here when you come back.

Exit
David
.

Phil
     Shit. Shit.

Phil
exits to bathroom. Returns with his gear. Injects.

Cardew
(
off
)     Eustace. Eustace. Eustace. Eustace.

Enter
Cardew
.

Phil
     Fuck.

Cardew
     Eustace. Oh Eustace. You were wrong to leave me.

Phil
     Yeah?

Cardew
     You were foolish.

Phil
     Yeah?

Cardew
     I shall forgive if you will solemnly undertake never to be mislaid again.

Phil
     Alright.

Cardew
     You solemnly swear?

Phil
     I solemnly swear. Forgive me?

Cardew
     You are forgiven.

Phil
     You gonna fuck me?

Cardew
     Eustace.

Phil
     I need a fuck.

Cardew
     It’s not right to talk of such things.

Phil
     You’ve gotta fuck me.

Cardew
     We can be brothers. We can be comrades. We can fight alongside each other but. . .

Phil
     I’m only asking for a fuck.

Cardew
     Oh Eustace. Not the gutter. The stars.

Phil
     Think you can do better?

A bath appears.

Cardew
     Get in the tub, Eustace.

Phil
     What are you? Social worker?

Cardew
     Eustace.

Phil
     Don’t call me that. I’m not Eustace.

Cardew
     But . . . You have his face.

Phil
     I’m not Eustace.

Cardew
     Then I have been horribly deceived. Go. Go.

Phil
     I’m not gonna go.

Cardew
     Leave now.

Phil
     Please. Let me stay. I’ll be Eustace. I can be whatever you want me to be. How does he speak? Like this? Like this?

Cardew
     He has a little too much of the aesthete about him.

Phil
     Like this?

Cardew
     You have him. I shall save you. You are ready to submit?

Phil
     I’ve always wanted to be saved. But no one’s offered before.

Cardew
     What’s your name?

Phil
     Phil.

Cardew
     Well, that can be changed.

Phil
     Don’t call me Eustace.

Cardew
     Of course not. That would only lead to muddle. Two Eustaces. I wouldn’t do that. Eustace will return and then think of the muddle.

Phil
     So what you going to call me?

Cardew
     I’ll choose later, after some reflection.

Phil
     So for now . . . I’m nothing. I’ve got no name.

Cardew
     For the present.

Phil
     I like that.

No clothes. No name.

He makes baby noises.

Cardew
     Please. No.

Phil
(
baby noises
)     Dadda. Dadda.

Cardew
     This is undignified. Get in the tub.

Phil
gets in the tub.
Cardew
washes him
.

Cardew
     We live in a sorry age. We have forgotten the most precious teaching of the Ancients. A boy cannot reach maturity in the family home. The family cloys. It crushes. A boy knows this. He longs for the disciplines of the Ancients. A boy waits for the moment. A man will arrive. An older man. Elected by the community. One day he appears at the family home. The mother and father tremble. They knew that this day must come. But still it has sent a deep fear into their hearts and they have not dared to tell the boy that this moment will come. But now it has come. The moment has arrived. The stranger is here.

And he takes the boy’s hand. ‘Come. Come with me.’

The boy turns bewildered and looks to his parents. What is happening? Tears roll down the parents’ cheeks but they nod as if to say: You must go. You must submit.

And the stranger takes the boy and they go into the hills. A long journey until they find a goat. And they kill the goat and they skin the goat and the boy is dressed in the goat skin and he drinks the goat’s blood.

And he sleeps in the hills with the stranger. And every day – a new conquest. A bison, a horse, an elephant.

Weeks later the boy goes home. And his parents are different and he realises that they will do anything he says.

He realises that he has power. He is a man.

There. You’re done. Up.

Cardew
wraps the towel around
Phil
.

Phil
     Mmmmmm.

Phil
reaches for his clothes.

Cardew
     No. These are not suitable.

A set of Victorian clothes appear.

Cardew
     These are for you.

Phil
     My guardian. I always knew I had a guardian. Didn’t I always say I had a guardian? My unfortunate guardian.

Drawing room.

Phil
is in the Victorian clothes. He sings a Victorian ballad as
Cardew
watches.

Phil
     I can’t do this.

Cardew
     Of course you can do it.

Phil
     Alright. I don’t want to do it.

Cardew
     John. Don’t be wilful.

Phil
     I don’t like John. Why do you call me John?