Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (21 page)

Lorraine
     I didn’t mean tongues.

Suzanne
     No?

Lorraine
     No. I didn’t mean that.

Suzanne
     Oh.

Suzanne
continues videoing
.

Lorraine
     . . . It’s not like I ever liked her. Used to lie awake sometimes. Used to lie awake and think: Wish you’d die. Wish you were dead you old witch. But now . . . now . . . I . . . I go down the shops the same time as her. I watch her programmes. I wear her clothes. I put on her clothes and I watch her programmes and I eat pizza like she used to eat pizza.

Suzanne
     I see.

Suzanne
puts down the camera
.

Lorraine
     You don’t have to stop.

Suzanne
     I think maybe. . .

Lorraine
     I don’t want you to stop. And if the phone goes and it’s the double glazing and that I don’t say: ‘No. She’s dead.’ I say ‘speaking’. I do her voice and I say ‘speaking’.

Suzanne
     Listen . . .

Lorraine
     I feel so empty.

Suzanne
     Listen, Lorraine, let’s . . .

Lorraine
     Why do I feel . . . ? It’s not like I ever liked her.

Suzanne
puts down the camera
.

Lorraine
     I told you not to stop.

Suzanne
     Lorraine, I’m just going to . . . hold you. Nothing . . . Okay?

She holds
Lorraine
.

That’s it.

Her pager goes off. She ignores it. It carries on. She gets up, reads the message.

I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.

Lorraine
     Alright then.

Suzanne
     I’m sorry. It’s just. . .

Lorraine
     It’s alright.

Suzanne
     Sorry. I know it’s shitty. It’s just very important.

Lorraine
     That’s alright.

Suzanne
     No really. My . . . my baby’s going to be born. Our . . . my partner. . .

Lorraine
     Your girlfriend?

Suzanne
     Yes. My girlfriend is having a baby. And . . . I’ve got to be there. I want to be there.

Lorraine
     Course.

Suzanne
     You going to be alright?

Lorraine
     Course.

Suzanne
     I’m sorry.

Exit
Suzanne
.

Lorraine
(
calls
)     You left your . . .

Front door slams.

Jumper.

Drawing room.

Cardew
(
off
)     Colonel Moncrieff. Colonel Moncrieff.

Enter
Moncrieff
followed by
Cardew
.

Cardew
     It really is most urgent. One of my boys has been mislaid.

Moncrieff
     Mislaid, Mr Cardew? How careless.

Cardew
     Not through want of care. No. I am the most caring and watchful / of . . .

Moncrieff
     Just so.

Cardew
     My boys could not receive more attention. I am at / all times . . .

Moncrieff
     Of course. At all times.

Cardew
     But despite my care and attention and instruction and . . . forgive me. It has been a great upset. This morning the fencing master called as usual. Instruction was about to begin when I noticed that one of the boys was missing. I called names, I counted heads. And Eustace . . . Eustace was nowhere to be found.

Moncrieff
     Eustace?

Cardew
     Mr Wilton.

Moncrieff
     Ah, Mr Wilton.

Cardew
     The search was begun immediately. Hither and thither, high and low. Willis’s, Drury Lane, the Savoy. But nothing. I am beside myself.

Enter
Constance
, heavily pregnant
.

Constance
     Mr Cardew.

Moncrieff
     No, my love. This is not proper.

Constance
     I thought I heard voices.

Moncrieff
     You must stay in your room.

Constance
     Confinement is unbearable. I am so lonely.

Moncrieff
     It is your burden.

Constance
     Please. For a short while.

Cardew
(
to
Constance
)     Have you seen Mr Wilton? Didn’t he visit here several times? Didn’t he help you organise a little amateur theatricals?

Constance
     With great enthusiasm. I fancy he may become a great actor.

Cardew
     Eustace has a great many talents.

Moncrieff
     I did not consider Mr Wilton a very suitable companion for my wife. Did I, my love?

Constance
     No. You did not.

Moncrieff
     I found him to be a little too . . . effeminate.

Constance
     He has grace.

Cardew
     He has a little too much grace about him, despite my efforts.

Moncrieff
     In fact, I find a great many of your boys a little too effeminate.

Constance
     My love.

Cardew
     I give my boys all the really manly virtues. To throw a discus, a javelin. To wrestle.

Constance
clutches her stomach.

Cardew
     . . . I wonder . . . have you seen . . . ?

Moncrieff
     No. We have not seen Mr Wilton for several months.

Cardew
     Oh. Poor Eustace. The world will confuse him. He will be troubled. He’ll be wanting me.

Constance
     It has started. Oh God. It has started.

Moncrieff
     Come. To your room.

Cardew
     If you should see Mr Wilton . . .

Moncrieff
and
Constance
exit
.

Enter
Augusta
.

Augusta
     Oh brother. At last.

But why don’t you speak . . . ? How can you be so strange?

Cardew
     I think there must be some mistake.

Augusta
     Please forgive a young girl’s ardent expression of emotion. I come from a nation of bog dwellers and my manners want polish.

Cardew
     I don’t understand you.

Augusta
     This cursed brogue. I must struggle to sound English if I am to be understood. Brother, it is I. Augusta.

Cardew
     Augusta?

Augusta
     Am I to be treated as the poor relation? I know I have a want of means. But surely a want of means is not a hindrance in society? Want of character is the only serious hindrance and I have a very great deal of character.

Cardew
     I don’t know you.

Augusta
     This is a blow. Not know me, Colonel Moncrieff?

Cardew
     There seems to be a misunderstanding.

Enter
Moncrieff
.

Cardew
     This is Colonel Moncrieff.

Augusta
     Brother. It is I – Augusta.

Moncrieff
     Welcome, welcome. You must forgive Mr Cardew. Such proximity to a member of the female sex is altogether strange to him.

Augusta
     You should marry, Mr Cardew.

Cardew
     Marry? How should I find time for marriage when I have my hands so very full.

Moncrieff
     Indeed. We follow Mr Cardew’s activities closely.

Cardew
     Yes. I am happy to say that the activities of the Belgrave Square Society for the Discovery and Betterment of Foundling Boys from the Lower Orders are reported in all the most philanthropic journals.

Moncrieff
     I was not referring to philanthropic journals.

Cardew
     No? What then?

Moncrieff
     Talk mainly. People talk a great deal about your activities.

Constance
(
off
)     
cries out
.

Cardew
     Good lord. What a terrible noise.

Moncrieff
     Not at all. It is the sound of labour.

Cardew
     Labour? Isn’t that something that happens in Manchester?

Augusta
     My poor sister.

Cardew
     The fecundity of our species is a constant surprise to me.

Moncrieff
     For a man such as yourself it must be.

Constance
(
off
)     
cries out.

Cardew
     Good Lord. How do you stand it?

Moncrieff
     A soldier can bear almost anything. A great many of your boys run off, don’t they? What can you be doing to them?

Cardew
     I don’t know what you mean, sir.

Moncrieff
     Oh but I think you do, sir.

Cardew
     I give my boys the father they never had.

Moncrieff
     And maybe the father they never wanted.

Cardew
     I must find Eustace.

Moncrieff
     He will return. To a father, surely he will return.

Cardew
     Please, I can’t bear to mislay another.

Moncrieff
     Disgusting spectacle.

Cardew
     Disgusting? How so? Disgusting?

Enter
Prism
.

Moncrieff
     Ah this must be the new nanny.

Prism
     Good evening, Colonel Moncrieff. Prism.

Cardew
     Not disgusting.

Moncrieff
     Thank goodness the modern age has realised the importance of dividing up our lives. Former ages, I believe, quite muddled up the aspects. Now we men can play billiards in the billiards room, smoke in the smoking room and relax in the library. And the ladies . . . well the ladies have their own worlds too.

Augusta
     Indeed. I hope you will allow me to sing one evening.

Moncrieff
     And then there is the world of childhood. Which is your burden.

Prism
     Yes, sir.

Cardew
     I cannot allow ‘disgusting’.

Moncrieff
     Today a child will be born and it will be taken instantly into your care.

Prism
     I’m ready, sir.

Moncrieff
     As yet my wife is unaware of your arrival. In fact, as yet she is unaware that you exist at all. She has resisted all suggestion of wet nurses and nannies. She thinks she can be everything to the child. But if in time your care is excellent, I am sure she will come to like you a great deal.

Prism
     I hope so sir.

Constance
cries out
.

Moncrieff
     Anticipation. It is a dreadful thing.

Cardew
     I cannot allow my good name –

Moncrieff
     I shall be in the billiard room.

Exit
Moncrieff
.

Cardew
     ‘Disgusting’. That is so unjust. When all I offer is care.

Augusta
     But still. A man cannot care for so many boys alone.

Cardew
     My boys will testify that I am always most kind. Kind and charitable.

Augusta
     You should find a companion, Mr Cardew. One who can share your calling. A helpmate, a soulmate.

Cardew
     Maybe, in time . . .

Augusta
     Search and you shall find.

Cardew
     I must find –

Augusta
     You must find a wife. A young woman. In her full bloom.

Cardew
     No. No woman can understand my mission. No woman can care for my boys.

Augusta
     Are you in
Burke’s
?

She produces a copy of
Burke’s Peerage.

This dear volume has been my constant companion for the last three years. Sitting amongst those ignorant Oirish, waiting, waiting for . . . London . . . society . . . a new name.

Cardew
     Please, / let me go.

Augusta
     You have a town house, I know. But a country house? How many bedrooms? Are both your parents still living? / Do you smoke?

Cardew
     No. No. No. I am not at all interested in marriage.

Augusta
     Oh. Then maybe my dear brother is right. Maybe there is something a little . . .

Cardew
     These insinuations are intolerable.

Augusta
     Then marry and prove them wrong.

Cardew
     I shall find Mr Wilton. I shall find him and bring him here and he will tell you, he will tell all of you, what an excellent guardian I am. You shall hear it from his mouth.