Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (25 page)

Cardew
     Because it is both plain and becoming.

Phil
     I don’t want to be plain and becoming.

Cardew
     You will be whatever I decide you should be.

Phil
     Why can’t I be called something else?

Cardew
     What? Jack?

Phil
     I don’t know. Something else.

Cardew
     They will be through in a few minutes. After three. One two three.

Phil
sings
.

Cardew
     Well, it is not accurate but then anyone can sing accurately. But it is sung with great feeling, which is all that is required in polite society. The posture just a little more . . .

Cardew
arranges
Phil
.

Phil
     Why can’t I stand naturally?

Cardew
     Nature always benefits from a little rearrangement.

Phil
     I feel uncomfortable.

Cardew
     And a wilful nature must be watched at all times.

Now, I shall fetch them. We will be through shortly. The chin just a little higher.

Exit
Cardew
.

Phil
     Horrid postures. Horrid chins and horrid, horrid music.

Enter
Prism
with pram and handbag. She has a bloody nose.

Prism
     Excuse me. Excuse me. I . . .

She faints.

Phil
     Fuck.

He holds
Prism
.

Come on. Come on.

Prism
     Pray forgive me.

Phil
     You alright?

Prism
     Oh yes. Quite well thank you.

She stands, faints again. She recovers.

Oh dear.

Phil
     What happened?

Prism
     I have been the victim of an alarming incident.

Phil
     Yeah?

Prism
     Yes. I alighted, with some difficulty as I had the child in the perambulator, upon an omnibus in Gower Street which, as we turned into Bloomsbury Square, overturned, depositing me on the pavement.

Phil
     Then you must be a Fallen Woman.

Prism
     No. I assure you.

Phil
     I’ve always wanted to meet a Fallen Woman.

Prism
     Young man, I am quite unfallen.

The baby cries.

Phil
     The child is calling for you.

Prism
     Oh it is quite alright. No great damage done. Oh.

She opens the handbag.

Oh no. Oh no. Wretched temperance beverage. Cursed omnibus. Oh, what is to become of us?

Phil
     What is it?

Prism
     A temperance beverage, which I bought in Leamington in a moment of extravagance, has exploded in the upset and – oh, look at my manuscript. Just look at it. Maybe it can be saved. If I hurry. Please, will you wait with the baby for a while?

Phil
     I can’t do that.

Prism
     For a very short while, while I clean –

Phil
     No.

Prism
     He will be no bother.

Phil
     Don’t leave me alone with it. Please. Please. Take it with you.

He pushes the pram to
Prism
.

Take it with you.

Prism
pushes the pram to
Phil
.

Prism
     Men are such cowards. For a moment.

Phil
pushes the pram back.

Phil
     It won’t be safe. You can’t trust me.

Prism
     But I do. I do.

Phil
     I hurt people. I hurt myself. I done a bad thing. I shouldn’t have did what I did to her. I know that now.

Prism
     Please. My manuscript is spoiling.

Phil
     Listen. Listen. Somebody’s got to listen.

My kid. My kid. She’s five. Then. She’s five. We’ve got it all. Got a flat. Her mum’s there. I’m there. And yeah, alright, we’ve both got a habit, but we’re coping, okay? We’re controlling it, it’s not controlling us.

But I’m behind with my payments. And my dealer’s giving me hassle. I mean, he’s supplying but he’s giving a lot of grief.

And I’m, ‘You’ll get your money. You’ll get it.’ Fuck knows how.

And one day he goes: ‘Let me fuck the kid. Quick fuck with the kid. I’ll be careful – it’s not like I’m gonna split her or nothing. Ten minutes and I’ll let you off.’

And I’m: ‘No. You perv, you nonce. No.’

And it goes on. Months. ‘Let me fuck the kid.’ ‘No.’

But then he stops supplying and you hold out, you’re going fucking turkey but, you’re a dad. Your instincts won’t let you . . .

Until. Yeah. Until . . .

Prism
     I don’t understand you. What strange words you use.

Exit
Prism
.

Cardew
(
off
)     Through here. We’re all ready.

Enter
Cardew
,
Augusta
,
Moncrieff
and
Constance
.
They sit and wait, looking at
Phil
.

John?

Pause.

Cardew
     John?

Pause.

John.

Phil
     I’m not John. You can’t do this to me. You’re fucking me up. You find someone else, alright? You looked after me, you sorted me out. I’m grateful. But I’m moving on. You gotta find someone else.

Cardew
     No. I don’t want that.

Phil
     You’re a nice bloke. You’ll find someone.

Cardew
     I don’t want that. I want you. I love you.

Phil
     I don’t want you to love me.

Cardew
     I don’t want to love you but . . .

Phil
     I’m not like you. I can’t be like you.

Cardew
     Stay.

Exit
Phil
.

Cardew
     John.

Moncrieff
     Leave him be.

Cardew
     But suppose he should escape.

Augusta
     Escape?

Cardew
     Please.

Exit
Cardew
.
The baby cries.

Moncrieff
     Why is the child left unattended?

Constance
     I don’t know.

Moncrieff
     Where is the nanny? This won’t do at all. Prism! Prism!

Exit
Moncrieff
.

Augusta
     Unreliable creature. I knew from the moment I saw her on the platform she was not to be trusted.

Constance
     How is our mother?

Augusta
     Oh don’t talk to me of her. I detest our mother.

Constance
     Augusta, no.

Augusta
     Our mother is of the sorry opinion that Ireland is a woman in spirit and that the spirit of Ireland resides in her.

Constance
     Yes?

Augusta
     A delusion which has led her to write many mystic speeches and much inflammatory poetry.

Constance
     But still, she is our mother.

Augusta
     Really, this modern mania for acknowledging one’s parents after birth seems to me to be quite senseless.

Constance
     You shouldn’t say such things.

Augusta
     Mothers should have their eyes plucked out. Blindness is a very attractive thing in a woman.

Constance
     How cold you are.

Augusta
     Although you of course will be an excellent mother.

Constance
     Yes. This is of me. This came from me.

She picks up the baby.

Nothing. I feel nothing.

Corridor.

Phil
(
off
)     Gobbledbybubblygobble. Hehhehhaa.

Go up. Go down. Go all the way up. Go all the way down. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

Tastic. Tastic. Tastic. Hehehahahaaa.

Baby cries. Enter
Lorraine
putting her clothes on. Enter
Phil
in the plastic mask.

Phil
     Again. Again. Again. Again.

Lorraine
     He wants me.

Phil
     No bye-byes. No bye-byes.

Lorraine
     I gotta go to him.

Phil
     Tastic. Tastic. Again. Again.

Lorraine
(
laughs
)     I told you no.

Phil
     Tinky. Tinky-Winky.

Lorraine
     You’re mad, you.

Phil
     Oh oh oh.

Lorraine
     Bye bye, Tinky-Winky. Bye bye.

Phil
     Again. Again.

Phil
grabs
Lorraine
.

Lorraine
     Off. Get off me.

Phil
     Again. Again.

Lorraine
     I told you. No.

Pause.
Phil
takes off the mask. They kiss.

Lorraine
     Look. I got responsibilities.

Phil
     Too right. This (
His erection
.) – this is your responsibility.

Lorraine
     No. That’s, well . . .

Phil
     Yeah?

Lorraine
     Well, that’s a laugh, innit?

Phil
     Oh, a laugh right. Yeah. Tubbyhaha.

Lorraine
     Yeah. That’s a giggle.

Phil
     No. You’re involved now.

Lorraine
     Please. I’ve got a kid to look after. I don’t want to let them down. I was only supposed to be here for a few days. But they asked me to stay on. ’Cos I’m good with him.

Phil
     What they need you for?

Lorraine
     He’s needy. They’re busy. He’s ill. They can’t cope.

Phil
     They should learn to cope.

Lorraine
     Come and have a look at him.

Phil
     No.

Lorraine
     Come on. He’s gorgeous. You’ll like him.

Phil
     No.

Lorraine
     He’ll like you. I know he will.

Phil
     I’m not good with kids. They don’t like me.

Lorraine
     You scared of him?

Phil
     No . . . yes.

Lorraine
     I love him. I never felt like I understood anyone before. Before, everyone I met . . . I’m talking, they’re talking. But I never understood them. I always felt like a kid. But him. I understand him, he understands me. I like that.

Phil
     They’re gonna use you, you know that? Use you to bring up the kid then soon as it can stand on its own two feet they’re gonna push you out, you know that?

Lorraine
     No. They’re not gonna do that.

Phil
     They will. You watch. I wouldn’t do that. You come with me. I’m not gonna push you out.

Lorraine
     You’re grown up now. You grow up and you’re alone. You gotta do things by yourself.

Phil
     Can’t do everything by yourself.

Lorraine
     No?

Phil
     No. Some things you gotta do together.

He slips his hands inside
Lorraine
’s knickers and starts to masturbate her.

Do you like that?

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Baby cries.

Phil
     He’s calling for you.

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
     He can wait for a minute. Alright?

Lorraine
     . . . Yeah. Where do you get those clothes?

Phil
     Off a poof.

Lorraine
     That’s what I thought. You a poof?

Phil
     No. But I used a poof. Got to use who you can until you grow up, haven’t you?

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
     But I don’t need them any more. I’ll get rid of them soon as I can.

Beat.

Lorraine
     I’ve got my mum’s knickers on.

Phil
     Yeah?

Lorraine
     I’m wearing my mum’s knickers.

Phil
     Does she know you’ve got them?

Lorraine
     She’s dead.

Phil
     Nice.

Baby cries.

Lorraine
     I gotta go to him.

Phil
     In a minute.

He puts the mask on
Lorraine
, continues to masturbate her.
I’m ready now.