Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (27 page)

Suzanne
     Recognise him?

David
     No.

Suzanne
     Seen him before?

David
     No. Don’t think so. Why should I have seen him before?

Suzanne
     Just your type.

David
     Oh yeah? Oh yeah? And what are we saying / here? What’s that supposed to mean?

Suzanne
     What are we saying? What are we saying? We’re saying that maybe / on one of your adventures . . .

David
     Fuck off. I don’t need this. / Fuck you. Cunt.

Suzanne
     Yes, just maybe when you’ve been working your way across London then maybe you might have come across . . .

David
     Fuck off.

Suzanne
     I’m saying that maybe a father, / maybe a dad –

Mauretta
     Hey come – she / doesn’t – come on . . .

Suzanne
     Maybe somebody who wanted to be a dad / could be putting it about a little bit less that’s what I’m saying.

David
     Instead of what? Videoing it all? Getting it all on tape is that what we’re saying? Coming home to watch eight hours of video just so we can feel like Mummy? Is that / what we’re saying?

Suzanne
     I was watching out. I was watching out for him.

David
     Oh, / well done. Well done you.

Mauretta
     Shut up. You’re adults the pair of you. You wanted to be Mummy. You said that.

Suzanne
     Yeah.

Mauretta
     And you wanted to be Uncle.

David
     Yeah.

Mauretta
     So fucking act like adults for fuck’s sake.

Enter
Tom
with food
.

Tom
     I thought we should eat. You need to eat something.

David
     Hello . . .

Tom
     Fuck. What’s he . . . What’s he doing here?

David
     Please . . .

Tom
     I don’t want him here. I don’t want you here.

David
     Listen. I fucked up, alright? I fucked up big time. But now I know . . . I need you. Hold me.

Tom
holds
David
.
David
cries
.
Suzanne
rewinds the video. Presses play. On video:

Phil
(
on video
)     Didn’t know who I was so I let people control me.

David
     Oh no. Please don’t. . .

Phil
(
on video
)     But I’m past that now. I’m gonna find out who I am.

Suzanne
(
to
Tom
)     This is him.

Long pause.

David
     He’s a boy I . . . / I met a boy and he had no one and he needed to be looked after, alright? That’s all it was. Looking after him. And I got attached. I shouldn’t have done that. But what am I supposed to do? What am I fucking supposed to do? And I wanted to get rid of him. I should have got rid of the cunt but I was too weak. I was used. He was using me.

Tom
     Boy? Destroyed / everything now. For a boy. Some boy to fuck you and you destroyed everything. I can’t do this any more. Waiting for you, wanting you, forgiving you. I’m not doing that any more. I’ve been so weak but now. I hate you. I feel hate for you. It could have been so good. The baby could have brought us together. But you couldn’t handle – had to ruin everything.

Suzanne
     A boy, a boy. I knew it. I told you. Fucking around. Always got your dick up somebody’s arse. Always using work, using me as your excuse because you’ve got the urge, because you’re looking for a shag. How many times have I lied for you? How many times have I lied to Tom? You did this. My baby’s gone and you did this with your itchy dick. Cunt. / Cunt. Cunt.

Mauretta
     Shut up. Fucking SHUT UP.

Pause.

Mauretta
My
baby. They took
my
baby.

Tom
     Our baby.

Mauretta
     My baby.

Tom
     He loves me. He’ll be missing me.

Mauretta
     And what did you do? At the end of the day what did you actually do?

Tom
     I . . .

Mauretta
     You wanked into a cup.

Tom
     It makes me Dad. I’m a father.

Mauretta
     It makes you nothing. You’re like him. You’re like her. You’re nothing. All of you. I had him. And I want him back. And we’re going to live together, him and me and I’m going to watch him grow and I won’t even tell him that you exist. And maybe you’ll interview him one day, and maybe you’ll teach him one day, and maybe you’ll try and sleep with him one day and you won’t even know who he is. He won’t know you. Just me. That’s all he needs.

Tom
     All of us.

Mauretta
     All of us? All of us doesn’t work. Look at you.

Mauretta
moves to go.

Suzanne
     Where are you . . . ?

Mauretta
     No. I don’t want you. You go to her. You go to Lorraine. Go and kiss Lorraine.

Exit
Mauretta
.

David
     I’m going to look for them. I . . .

Exit
David
.

Tom
     I’m always looking after people. I hate that. Why do I always look after people? What I want now is someone looking after me.

Suzanne
     Yes.

Tom
     Hold me.

Suzanne
     No.

Phil
is bathing the baby
.

Phil
     And so now there’s three of them. The mum and the dad and the kid. And they’ve got a flat. Because that’s important. And the mum and the dad have got a habit. But that’s alright. Listen, it’s alright. And there’s a dealer. He’s a bad man. And he wants to do really bad things to the kid. And the dad says: ‘No. I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a father. No.’ But the months go on and the dealer keeps coming back. ‘Let me do bad things to the kid.’ ‘No.’

Then he stops supplying. But now he’s a dad, he can fight it. He can go turkey this time and get through it.

And finally the dealer comes for the kid and the dad says: ‘I’m free of you. I’ve got no habit and I’m free of you and I never want to see you again.’ And the dealer starts to shake, and then he turns red like a furnace and then smoke comes out of his ears and he burns up until there’s just a pair of shoes lying there and they’re full of ash and that’s the end.

Enter
Lorraine
with food
.

Phil
     There – you’re done.

Phil
takes the baby out of the bath and wraps it in a towel.

Lorraine
     Cake or bread and butter?

Phil
     Bit of both.

Phil
places the baby in a cardboard-box crib at the end of the bed.

Lorraine
     You’re good with him.

Phil
     Yeah.

Lorraine
     See. I knew you would be. You’re a natural.

Phil
     We’re doing alright.

Lorraine
     Yes, you are. He’s a bit of natural, isn’t he, Jack?

Phil
     I was thinking. Jack. I don’t like Jack. That’s their name for him.

Lorraine
     What then?

Phil
     I don’t know. Something else. A name we give him.

Lorraine
     You got an idea?

Phil
     Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know.

Phil
picks up the baby, goes to put him in a bag.

Lorraine
     What you doing?

Phil
     Just for a moment.

Lorraine
     He don’t like it in there.

Phil
     For a moment. How long did you have him in there?

Lorraine
     That was different, that was. I had to do that. To get him out. Save him.

Phil
     Only take a minute.

He opens the bag
.

Bye-bye, Jack. Bye-bye.

He puts the baby in the bag.

Come here.

Lorraine
goes over to
Phil
.
They stand over the bag.

Phil
     No more past. Begin again. Begin now. Yeah?

Lorraine
     Yeah.

Phil
reaches down and takes out the baby.

Phil
     Hello, Eustace.

Lorraine
     Eustace? You’re mad you.

Phil
     It’s alright.

Lorraine
     It’s different.

Phil
     Suits him.

Lorraine
     Alright then. Eustace.

She takes the baby and puts it in the box.

Night, night. Eustace. Night, night.

Baby cries.

Oh. He’s gone and wet himself again. Where the nappies?

Phil
     None left.

Lorraine
     I thought you got more.

Phil
     I forgot.

Lorraine
     He needs a clean one.

Phil
     I’ll go and get some.

Lorraine
     No. You sit there and eat your tea. I’ll get them.

Back soon. Alright?

Phil
     Alright.

Exit
Lorraine
.
Baby cries louder
.
Phil
walks it up and down
.

Phil
     Oh no, come on. Oh no.

Enter
Cardew
.

Cardew
     Oh help me. Please you must help me.

Phil
     I don’t want to see you.

Cardew
     Hide me. I am in great danger. There has been the most terrible talk about the Belgrave Square Society. They say I do the most awful things to my boys. And now the barbarians . . . a crowd of the most barbaric kind has attacked us. My home is on fire and the boys . . . the boys have been taken away from me.

Phil
     That’s what you get, you nonce.

Cardew
     John.

Phil
     I’m not John.

Cardew
     They are here. Hide me.

Phil
     No. See this? I’ve got a kid to look after.

Cardew
     You owe me this much.

Phil
     I don’t owe you anything.

Cardew
     I brought you naked and alone. What is his name? Who are his parents? Can he speak? Only his own language. He hasn’t learnt our tongue. Somebody must teach him to speak. Somebody must name him. I will be that person. And so I gave you everything.

Phil
     I took everything. So I could make myself into a person and now I’m a person, I don’t need you any more. Used you to get what I wanted and now I don’t need you.

Cardew
     No. You are nothing. Without me you are nothing.

Phil
     I don’t want you. Go. Go.

Enter
Augusta
.

Augusta
     He is here. The invert is here.

She kicks
Cardew
.

Augusta
     Pervert. Boy lover.

Cardew
     John.

Augusta
     Do I sound Irish to you? No.

She kicks
Cardew
.

Say it. No.

No more Irish pokery. No more Miss O’Flaherty.

It was a music evening. I can sing only one song and that is in French, which I was afraid would sound suggestive. But I took my chances. Abandoned or no, I determined to give it my best shot.

Now, as I’m sure you can imagine, I do not have a pleasant voice but it carries well enough. And the Jewel Song carried all the way to Lord Bracknell. Yes, your man Bracknell. I have him.

She kicks
Cardew
.

Oh, contain my excitement. Oh contain my tongue.

Contain my heart.

She kicks
Cardew
.

He said: ‘Your voice impressed me.’

I said: ‘Volume often impresses more than beauty.’

And he said: ‘How true, but so few women really appreciate volume. They spend all their time trying to acquire more beauty when all they require is to be a little louder.’

And so, naturally, I continued the conversation at a quite extraordinary volume and so caught Lord Bracknell’s heart. And now I shall be Lady Bracknell and I shall have very many children and they will all be completely English.

She kicks
Cardew
repeatedly
.

Phil
     Oh shit. Not breathing.

Augusta
     Oh, Rule Britannia. Rule Britannia.

Phil
     Make him breathe. Make him breathe.