Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (32 page)

Helen
     My work’s been noticed and my constituency suggested I come in for a day, shadow, get a feel for the place.

Jonathan
     And how does being a shadow suit you?

Helen
     Very . . . informative.

Jonathan
     And inspiring?

Helen
     Yes I suppose so. Yes, and inspiring.

Jonathan
     Excellent. So much to sort out. So much we could do better. Someone like you . . .

Helen
     I hope so.

Jonathan
     Can’t be far off.

Helen
     And you’re . . . ?

Jonathan
     Another day pass.

Helen
     I see.

Jonathan
     Not shadowing, advising. Doing what I can. An outside eye.

Helen
     Right.

Jonathan
     You’re very curious to know what it is, aren’t you? My advice, and really I shouldn’t . . .

Helen
     I understand.

Jonathan
     But since you’ve confided in me it would / be churlish . . .

Helen
     No, no –

Jonathan
     . . . not to reciprocate. You see, the thing is, the world is going to end.

Helen
laughs.

Jonathan
     Yes, I know. That’s the problem, denial, it’s a big problem.

Helen
     I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to . . .

Jonathan
     Denial is a major factor. But at last there are those at the top listening.

Helen
     I’m sorry, I said I’d be in the tea room . . .

Jonathan
     The big boys have accepted the possibility, then, of course, we’ve got to ensure that it’s all managed as smoothly as possible.

Helen
     I promised I’d be . . .

Jonathan
     Can’t have a wobble in the last few hours, can we? Can’t have everyone going off-message and throwing us all into confusion as we reach the end.

Helen
     I’ve got to go.

Jonathan
     Don’t you . . . Listen to me. You won’t hear anything more important than this, alright? You can shadow, you can fact find, but this is . . . You listen.

Helen
     I really don’t think / I need to hear . . .

Jonathan
     Because this has got to be the People’s Armageddon, you see? We want to make sure that everybody has been listened to, that every social and racial grouping is represented in the events of the last few days. Exclusion must be avoided.

Helen
     Listen. I have a sense of humour, I understand jokes, and I’ve enjoyed this enormously. I’m sure tomorrow in the middle of a very dull meeting about street lighting I shall look back on this meeting and smile to myself, so thank you for that.

Jonathan
     Are you patronising me?

Helen
     Well, yes I probably am.

Jonathan
     Yes, you are and of course you’re right, best thing to do.

Helen
     But now I’m going to have to get on.

Jonathan
     Do you have any money?

Helen
     I’m sorry?

Jonathan
     Money. I’m rather hoping that you’re carrying cash.

Helen
     No.

Jonathan
     I really could do with an injection of capital.

Helen
     No chance.

Jonathan
     Thing is they send you out of rehab and what they don’t take into account is you need a good lump sum if your dealer’s even going to offer you some second-rate gear.

Helen
     I don’t give money to people with a drug problem.

Jonathan
     I have a cash problem. My problem is I think you’ve got some money and I don’t want to use force to get it from you.

Helen
     That sounds very threatening.

Jonathan
     I suppose it does.

Helen
     Maybe I’ll call security.

Jonathan
     How unfortunate, ‘Wannabe MP in terrace fracas’.

Helen
     I think you ought to leave.

Jonathan
     Alright Helen, alright then. But maybe, Helen, I could take a number . . .

Helen
     No.

Jonathan
     Should, Helen, I need to contact you.

Helen
     I don’t think so.

Jonathan
     I think, Helen, it would be good if we could talk at a later date.

Helen
     You’re not getting any money.

Jonathan
     I’m sorry, it is Helen, isn’t it? Yes of course it is. Sometime pamphleteer. Sometime, a long time ago now, writer of ‘A guide to destroying the rich’. Yes? Of course, yes. ‘We will start with individuals. One by one we will capture them, we will capture their children. There are a thousand years of injustice to reverse. When we strike it will be with a deadly cruelty which will wipe out a thousand years of suffering.’

Helen
     That was another person.

Jonathan
     Of course it was. It was you but still . . .

Helen
     Another person.

Jonathan
     Yes.

Helen
     That was . . . It was a child.

Jonathan
     Of course here on the terrace, the Thames, waiting for tea. It all seems like another world. But still, when you’ve suffered as I’ve suffered. When Nick took you at your word. Followed you to the letter. When my body was beaten and scarred . . .

Helen
     I’m sorry.

Jonathan
     Please.

Helen
     I’m so sorry for all he . . . we . . . did to you.

Jonathan
     Very fashionable now, sorry, isn’t it? Sorry we bombed your embassy, sorry about that famine, sorry we injected you with that virus and observed you as you died. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well it doesn’t fucking work, okay? It won’t work.

Helen
     Look, have some money.

Jonathan
     That’s very generous of you.

Helen
     Please. It’s the least I can . . .

Jonathan
     My dealer will sleep easy in his bed for this.

Helen
hands him a ten-pound note.

Jonathan
     Ten pounds?

Helen
     It’s all I’ve got.

Jonathan
     Ten pounds?

Helen
     Take it.

Jonathan
     No, Helen, I don’t want ten pounds, Helen. Don’t be so fucking stupid. I mean, do I look like a junkie? You’re going to have to sort out the bullshit from the truth if you want a future in Government. Where’s Nick?

Helen
     I don’t know.

Jonathan
     Come on. He’s out. Bound to head straight for you.

Helen
     I don’t know where he is.

Jonathan
     You’ve got to help me. It hurts so much the past, you know? I’ve got to find Nick.

Nadia
’s flat.

Very loud music.
Victor
is dancing in a pair of shorts as
Tim
cheers him on.

Tim
     Go baby go. Go, go, go, go.

Enter
Nick
.

Nick
     What the fuck?

Victor
dances around
Nick
, bumping and grinding him.
Nick
tries to push him away.
Victor
carries on.

Nick
     Where’s Nadia? Where is she?

The dancing carries on.
Nick
grabs
Victor
and shakes him.

Tell me where she is.

Victor
     Craz-eeeee.

Tim
pulls
Nick
off
Victor
. Pause.
Nick
turns off the music.

Nick
     Where’s Nadia?

Tim
     You must be Nick.

Nick
     Tell me where she is.

Tim
     I’ve heard about you.

Nick
(
to
Victor
)     Do you know where she is?

Tim
     You won’t get any sense from him.

Victor
     Off my tits, yeah.

Victor
continues to gyrate in silence.

Nick
     What’s wrong with him?

Tim
     He’s happy. Leave him alone, he’s mine.

Nick
     Who are you?

Tim
     I’m Nadia’s very best and closest friend.

Nick
     Right. I can’t find her. She’s supposed to be back and . . .

Tim
     She’s supposed to be back . . . ?

Nick
     Ten minutes ago.

Tim
     Ten minutes?

Nick
     Ten minutes, yeah, and she’s not here and I was getting worried and I went to look for her and . . .

Tim
     Nadia attracts people like you.

Nick
     People like . . .

Tim
     Obsessive people.

Nick
     I’m not. I care about her. I want to look after her.

Tim
     As long as you respect her space.

Nick
     I want to watch her all the time.

Tim
     She’s her own person.

Nick
     But she’s her own person. Yes.

Tim
     Ten minutes. Yes, obsessive and dangerous people.

Nick
     I’m not. No, no.

Victor
(
to
Nick
)     You like my body?

Nick
     What?

Victor
     You like my body?

Tim
     Tell him yes.

Nick
     I think something’s happened to her.

Victor
     He doesn’t like my body. Fucking bastard.

Tim
     Upset him now. (
To
Victor
.) Alright, baby. It’s alright.

Victor
     I’ve got a fucking fantastic body.

Tim
     Easy, baby, easy.

Victor
     Guys go crazy for my body.

Tim
     Sit, SIT. (
To
Nick
.) You have to be firm with them. So . . . Nineteen eighty-four. You’ve been away since nineteen eighty-four.

Nick
     That’s right.

Tim
     In prison since nineteen eighty-four.

Nick
     That’s right.

Tim
     A lot’s happened since nineteen eighty-four. A lot to catch up on.

Nick
     I suppose there must be.

Tim
     Well my balls have dropped for a start. Nineteen eighty-eight that was. And I started shaving. Nineteen ninety.

Victor
     I want the music.

Tim
     I told you. (
To
Nick
.) Bit of whizz and he keeps going for three days. (
To
Victor
.) Wait. Daddy’s talking. (
To
Nick
.) Nadia’s a good person, you know?

Nick
     She’s been good to me.

Tim
     She really likes you. I know that for a fact because she told me. So you be good to her.

Nick
     I will be.

Tim
     Because we’re not going to let Nadia live with a bloke who isn’t good to her.

Nick
     I’m doing my best.

Tim
     Which is all that any of us can do.

Tim
’s beeper goes off.

Victor
     Time for the medication.

Victor
gets pills and water from his bag
.

Tim
     Now these are something you won’t have seen in nineteen eighty-four. These are new. You wouldn’t have seen these in nineteen ninety-four.

Nick
     What are they?

Tim
     In nineteen eighty-four you were calling it a plague, weren’t you?

Nick
     I don’t know.

Tim
     Oh I think you were.

Victor
     Yes. Gay plague. Honey. Chug, chug, chug.

Victor
feeds
Tim
the pill.

Nick
     Maybe the tabloids / they were always reactionary bastards . . .

Tim
     In nineteen eighty-four I would have been dead in six months. Whereas now . . .

Victor
     Chug, chug, chug.