Real Ultimate Power (3 page)

Karate is retarded. It's basically aerobics with pajamas. If you want to be a real ninja you don't
have
to take it. Most people who join karate only do it because their parents make them. It's basically for people who need an attitude adjustment—that's all. Karate's basic moves are breaking wood; some kicks; up, up, down, down, left right, left right, B, A, select, start; and other stuff—I can't remember right now.

A lot kids in my neighborhood say that yoga doesn't have anything to do with ninjas, but that's a bunch of bull crap! I mean, these are the same kids that think a lady's period is when the lining of the uterus is shed through the vagina. Like I'm really going to believe them about yoga! Yoga is the most effective fighting style ever. If you stretch hard enough, you probably don't have to fight anybody. One time, I did the spits without warning and some people started running. It's awesome. The main move is the splits.

Sometimes if a ninja is relaxing and doesn't feel like getting all sweaty, they'll use pressure points on an enemy. Pressure points are one of the coolest ways to gently beat somebody's ass. You could just be sitting there, relaxing and watching TV, pretending you're not going to completely beat the crap of somebody and then WHAM! you softly touch their wrist and they go to sleep forever! It's like you've got so much power that you don't need to waste energy on someone you hate. One of the greatest pressure points ever is the touch of death. I mean, can you believe that ninjas can kill a person without cutting or strangling them? It almost doesn't make sense. Almost. With just a simple caress, a ninja could end a human life. And it doesn't happen right away—so no one will ever figure out who did it. Here's what happens. A ninja touches the back of some dude's head. Then the back of the head sends a signal to the stomach. Then the stomach sends a signal to the liver. And then, finally, the liver tells the heart something. And the guy dies! So if somebody says to you, “Hello Sir (or Madam), would you like me to rub the back of your head?” You should probably say, “No,” or “No thank you,” because they might be a ninja, completely willing to kill you, but just too tired to get all crazy about it.

Menopause is pretty powerful and gives someone a mustache. If you know anybody who uses this style, you should probably just stay upstairs. The main moves are slapping with rolled up magazines, screaming power, single- or double-handed spanking, and hot flashes.

Some people ask me how ninjas can be harmonious with nature when they're constantly kicking people in the nuts. Well, they just can—so don't worry about it. They mediate and think about what they've done. During meditation, ninjas will spend hours away from TV and friends. This is when they learn about themselves, mainly reflecting on deep questions like, “Why can't you act normal and stop embarrassing your mother and me?” and, “Why can't you stop acting like a fucking retard?” And, after they're done, they're allowed to come back downstairs and watch TV

Judo is pretty lame. It's basically a self-defense style. So when they have tournaments, there's never a winner, because nobody ever makes the first move. The main moves are not doing anything and waiting. It's stupid.

Ninja stars, or Chinese stars, are one of their coolest weapons. These can really mess up someone's life. Ninjas love them because they are small enough to fit in a backpack or lunch bag. Oh hello, would you like to steal my lunch? How would you like to see out of a tube for the rest of your life! BOOM! That would be so frigg'n sweet. Just imagine some moron saying that crap to your face and having a boatload of ninja stars in your pocket. He'd wish his parents never even thought about making love. That guy would be sitting meat. Then I'd go over to his house and rip out his dog's hair and spit all over the place. And then I'd make love to his mother's butt, while everybody in the nation watched. Take my lunch—yeah, right! I'll bite your face off.

The ninja sword is shorter than the samurai sword, but that doesn't mean the samurai sword is better. There are big debates about which sword is the best—conferences and stuff—but people who believe that the ninja sword isn't the sweetest are stupid idiots. They put their ninja sword in a long pocket on their back so that their hands are free for climbing up dojos and stuff like that. The ninja sword is mainly used on necks, but it can also be used on arms, legs, and stomachs. The guy who invented it is probably pretty cool (and pretty rich, if you ask me).
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The guitar is the ninja's trumpet. He uses it as a warning that danger is near and he's ready to rock. If a ninja's finger merely brushes up against a guitar, a humongous wail will happen. No other mammals can wail as hard. It has something to do with magic. I asked Dad if he would get me a guitar for Christmas, and he said he would buy me one if I ran away.

The boner is the ninja's hottest weapon. A ninja can pop thousands of them if they get super pumped. Some studies even show that a ninja can pop more than a million boners, if they need to. They can be used on babes
¹⁹
or morons. Ninjas can slam or slap their opponent or girlfriend with it. The boner is also used to help balance when they are tree-waiting. I remember my first boner. I was looking through my neighbor's window and could see some lady changing her panties and everything. But check this out, behind her on the bed I could see this big orange cat licking its nutsack. And BOOM! My pants inflated like an air bag. Mom busted into the room, and was like, “What the heck are you doing?” And I was like, “Nothing.” And she was like, “Yeah, right.”