Real Ultimate Power (5 page)

—Ancient Chinese Fable

H
istory began with the ninja and will end with the ninja in a humongous explosion with arms and legs laying in the street and melted trees and everybody will be like, “Holy CRAP!” and the ninjas will be like, “We told you,” and then Jesus will be like, “You guys should have listened,” and buildings and planets will explode, and a bunch of ninjas will just be hanging out, chilling. But before that, ninjas did a bunch of stuff—so here it is, in
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recorded
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form.
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Wolves are screaming all over the place, and the moon is going nuts. Something's going to happen, but nobody knows what. Kids are running around the alleys wearing stuff like costumes and monster masks. Then a couple of them reach this old house. It's huge. Inside the house, there's this really old guy yelling at himself in the mirror. (He's a maniac.) Outside, the kids look at each other, smile, and knock on the door. Candy. The old guy puts on a shirt to cover up the scar on his sweaty chest. Then he stomps to the kitchen and grabs a bowl of chocolates. The door slides open and the kids see the candy, and it looks so good. But when some kid reaches out to take a piece, the old guy grabs his wrist and the kid looks up and BOOM, the old guy slaps him in the mouth. But the kid doesn't take his eye off the chocolates. The old guy then drops a tiny piece of chocolate in the bag, and little bit of drool falls out of the boy's mouth. The next kid walks up, and she gets hit, too! But the kids keep coming back, because they need that candy. And the old guy keeps smacking the kids, even though he isn't their dad. But out of nowhere, this huge mystery kid dressed in pure black appears at the door. He's awesome. Everybody turns around, because he washes his clothes in pure cologne. Then it's his turn and when the old guy grabs HIS wrist, the mystery kid pulls his wrist back, hard. The old guy starts freaking out. “What the heck?” he whispers to himself in slow-mo. Then the guy steps outside his house and tries to grab the mystery kid's wrist again and the kid whips his hand right back and slams it in his pocket. The other kids see what's happening. So they bum rush the crazy maniac and start biting him all over, except his crotch, and they stuff handfuls of candy in his throat, so no one can hear his blood-gargle. Then it's over. The kids stay in the house all year, redecorating it and making it into a badass fort with secret passages and everything. As for the kid in black, he went back to trick-or-treating because he wasn't even close to being done.

It was Easter eve, and there's this kid who is so excited about tomorrow's egg hunt. But his mom says to him, “When you go to bed, stay there, because if the Easter bunny is hiding the eggs and he sees you downstairs, he'll scratch your eyes out. Just stay up there, because he's still an animal, and he can't ever change.” Then the kid skips dessert and books upstairs. He goes straight to bed—no problem. But later that night, it gets real dark and foggy, and then there's a rumbling downstairs. Some plates break. The kid covers his entire body with a blanket, and he almost can't breathe. Then, there is a scratching at the door, and the kid blacks out for like five seconds. He busts out of bed and pushes his dresser against the door and throws towels over the windows. The claws keep scratching and scratching at the door, and the kid stuffs the corner of his pillow into his mouth and screams. But then it stops. And when the kid wakes up, it's daytime and he opens up his door and looks around. And there, on the door, is a little tiny scratch mark, like something a rabbit would do.

Alright, the scene opens up with snow everywhere. There's yelling in the background, but the audience won't know what's going on. Then Santa jumps out of the snow and just starts screaming at the elves. And they scream right back. There will then be some mumbling. Apparently, there's fog and nobody can get their presents or anything, and kids' hearts are getting all twisted up because they need those fucking toys so bad, even if they had a lot already and there are some kids who don't have any, or at least any cool ones, ‘cause their parents are assholes or something. But regardless of everything, there's hope. And that hope is in the shape of a real live ninja. But there is trouble, too. And that trouble is in the shape of a bunch of reindeer in leather jackets. The ninja tries to help out with the lights, but everybody is like, “Get out of here!” And they keep picking and picking and picking on the ninja until he can't take it anymore. So he grabs one deer by the fur and they stare at each other about ten seconds. Then the ninja kicks the reindeer's legs and hooves. The other deer start crying, which makes the ninja kick even harder, so hard that blood dribbles out the deer's nose. When he finishes,
nobody says a word,
and they don't pick on the ninja anymore that day. Then the ninja suggests that everybody wait for the fog to clear and then deliver the presents. And guess what? It works. Santa is captivated. The ninja saves Christmas, and he finds meaning in his life. And to all the elves and reindeer, Santa says, “I don't know why, but somehow someway, everyone needs a ninja in their life.” And that's basically why the reindeer stop talking crap—they were scared. And, in
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the
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end,
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sometimes
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that's
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just
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what
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has
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to
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happen.
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Bedtimes will be outlawed and hot babes will be in-lawed (but in a good way).

School will consist only of lunchtime, recess, and going home.

Toys will be free—mainly the cool ones. But stupid toys can still cost money, I don't care.

Ideals and absolute truth will be replaced by a real nice ass beating.

Ambulances will have bunk beds in case a buddy wants to come along.

Bunk beds will have bunk beds.

Vegetables will be made out of ice cream.

Boobs will be legal on TV and in public. They don't have to be huge though, but they do have to be boobs.

So-called best friends won't just like you when they feel like it.

“No” will be replaced with “maybe.” And “maybe” will be replaced with “probably.”

You'll be able to have sex in a video game, and you
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won't
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have
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to
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be
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an
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adult
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this
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time.
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