Read Real Ultimate Power Online

Authors: Robert Hamburger

Real Ultimate Power (7 page)

BOOK: Real Ultimate Power
12.08Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads
The Classifieds
I
n case you sometimes wake up at night and start to worry whether ninjas
realllllly
exist, go back to sleep. 'Cause there's a ninja out there right now who cares about you, or at least cares about killing you (which is something, I guess). Don't believe me? Then look at these classified ads in a fancy newspaper:
• Single mother of three boys seeking man for husband purposes. Needs to be old and must be willing to put up with extreme stupidity.
• Baby-sitter wanted. No experience needed, must be willing to put up with a kid who acts retarded and can't shut his mouth. Will take anybody. Please contact as soon as possible. Hurry.
• Ninja seeking pupil/son/buddy. Just wants to hang out with a kid who's cool and doesn't give a crap. Will
promise
to always be there, no matter what.
• Mad scientist seeking awesome boy to give him powers cooler than just about anything. WARNING: This is not a joke. So only apply if you really mean it. Peace out!
• Friend in need. Looking for somebody who will always pick up the phone, even if they're tired or crabby. Doesn't have to be good at anything or cool. Just has to be able to get a ride over here or can pick me up. That's all.
• Kidnapper seeking kid who is willing to move in as early as this month. Must like huge amounts of toys and must be able to sleep in really late. All applicants must be very good at
83
video
84
games,
85
otherwise
86
don't
87
bother.
88
The History of Yoga
Did You Know?
Once there was this ninja who was hired by a fancy art museum to make some fancy art. They paid him over a billion bucks to do something with the garden. So the ninja took a simple hose and threw it in the middle and everybody was like, “Genius.” And the ninja was like, “Yeah, and... ?” Everybody was like, “... and AWESOME!” But later that night, when everybody went to bed, the gardeners didn't understand and rolled up the hose and put it in the closet with the other gardening equipment.
A
fter World War II, martial arts were banned everywhere in Japan. They wanted everybody to calm down after the war. But after a while, Japanese people started to think that ninjas were pointless, which seems crazy, but it happened and it was wrong. Many gave up the ninja suit and sword in exchange for the business suit and wok. Idiots. But there were a few who practiced the art of ninjas even if they weren't allowed to take karate. These are the ones who had to be ninjas because nothing else made sense. But instead of training with karate, they used yoga. Yoga got started in Shaolin Temples. Originally, they had over eighteen moves. But that was too complicated so they shrunk it down to one move—the splits.
Before it got popular, yoga was a HUGE secret among monks. The monks taught yoga to their neighbors to defend themselves from thieves who robbed and hit them. Nobody was allowed to have weapons back then either, because the government said so. So the thieves were basically able to steal anything they wanted, no problem. The whole thing was pretty ridiculous, but fortunately yoga helped the monks when everything else failed. They found safety and comfort in the stretched hug of yoga's legs and everything became a little bit manageable. So they were able to fend off their enemies till one day, a real ninja would come
89
and
90
take
91
them
92
away.
93
Historical Letters from a Ninja Pupil
E
very so often, a ninja kidnaps a kid and trains him and everything. They get to learn about ninjas and can do basically anything they want. Below is a collection of letters from the luckiest kid I've ever heard of:
 
JARED PLYMPTON
Classification:
Non-Family Abduction
Missing:
04/26/03
From:
Lake Orion, MI
Sex/Race:
Male/White
DOB
: 03/21/95
Eyes:
Blue
Hair:
Blonde
Height:
4' 8”
Weight:
140 lbs
Identifying Marks:
Front teeth protrude slightly, small scar under right eye from showing off with scissors during his younger brother's birthday party.
Jewelry:
n/a
Last Seen Wearing:
Red coat, green plaid shirt, and green jeans.
 
Evidence
Dear Mom and Dad,
 
Hey! Just wanted to let you know I'm O.K. A ninja takes care of me now. Can you believe it? He's pretty cool. I get my own room here and I don't have to share it with a brother or anything. Now that's pretty cool. He says you guys are mad at me, because I left a pen in my pocket and screwed up an entire load of wash. Is that true? He said that you guys don't ever want to see me again. I thought that was a little immature on your part, but sometimes I guess that's just the way things go. Oh, and guess what—I don't have to go to school here either. And I get to play video games all day! I play right when I get up and the ninja watches me from his recliner. I like it here. I don't have to make my bed or ANYTHING. Cool.
 
Bye!
Jar
Dear Parents,
 
Hi. Just telling you I'm still doing good, though I don't really get to go outside much here. I don't like that part, but I guess I can't complain because he takes me to his brother's place and I get to run around his trailer that's out in some field. He says it's for my own good, which makes sense. We eat spaghetti every night, which is AWESOME. Remember when I'd ask you to cook spaghetti, Mom, and you'd be like, “Nah, Dad doesn't like it.” Well,
I like it
, and I get to eat it here all the time—so tell everybody.
 
Bye,
Jar
Dear Jane and Marvin,
 
I changed my name now. He said I have to, because I'm a different person now and I have to give something up to start my new life. Sorry, but I'm not supposed to tell you the new one, though. I'm getting a little sick of spaghetti. And the video games aren't that much fun anymore. Oh, remember when Dad ate a whole pizza at once that one time! That was crazy! And remember when we made that snowball fort, and I wanted to live out there for the rest of the winter, and you were like, “No way, Jose!” I was so mad at first, but now I understand. O.K., gotta go.
 
Bye,
Can't-tell-you
Dear Parents,
 
The ninja drove me to his brother's on Sunday again. I got to play with a dog for a few minutes. That dog barks so much! And there's a HIGHWAY near the trailer and I hear a RIVER to the EAST, but I'm not sure. And when I we drive home, I sometimes see AIRPLANES in the sky. Big ones, like the kind that would land at AIRPORTS. And if we ever meet again, I will never ever ask you to make spaghetti and I'll replace the clothes I messed up. All of them. Just give me another chance.
 
See ya later (please)!
Jar
Some kids are so frigg'n lucky. I HATE IT! If a ninja kidnapped me, I wouldn't write home or anything. I don't know what that kid's problem is. There's no way anybody could think that ninjas aren't sweet.
94
The Most Controversial Case EVER
W
ant to really know why ninjas are so sweet? There is this court case where a bunch of ninjas get sued by the United States of America for purging about how sweet they are. This one kid knew the judge somehow and was able to get the transcripts and everything. When I read this, I crapped my pants twice. It's awesome. Hopefully you won't/will crap your pants, too.
 
 
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
VS.
A BUNCH OF NINJAS
 
A bunch of ninjas are sitting around a table totally pissed while some idiot judge is yelling at them for hours. They are about to be sued for trillions of dollars for purging about how sweet they are. But out of nowhere, this badass motorcycle explodes through the window. The lawyer riding it is wearing all black and is looking pretty sweet. Smoke is everywhere and everybody is screaming (except the ninjas, of course). The lawyer is like, “Everybody, chill.” And the judge is like, “Order in my court!” but his hair is sticking straight up and he is now wearing dark shades. The lawyer says, “I have come to defend these
TOTALLY SWEET
ninjas right here.” The judge is like, “Yo, wait, that has yet to be decided.” And the lawyer is like, “Oh yeah?” And the judge is like, “Yeah.” And the lawyer is like, “Let's ROCK!”
 
The Case for the Total Sweetness of Ninjas
 
Judge:
Hereye, hereye!
Mr. Smooth Black:
Good afternoon your honor and fellow jury members. Mr. Smooth Black for the representation of all ninjas worldwide.
Judge:
What's your problem?
Mr. Smooth Black:
Well, your honor, my best friends here have been accused of a bunch of BULLCRAP!
Judge:
Order in the court right now, or I'll file you content. So chill, asshole!
Mr. Smooth Black:
Maybe you're the real asshole. I bet you don't know anything about Total Sweetness.
Judge:
Well, guess what?
Mr. Smooth Black:
What?
[HUGE pause]
Judge:
Maybe YOU don't know anything about Total Sweetness.
Mr. Smooth Black:
YEAH RIGHT! Why don't you shut your skinny mouth and let me tell you why, item by item, these ninjas are the sweetest guys ever.
Item 1:
Ninjas kill people.
Item 2:
Ninjas don't give a crap.
Item 3:
Ninjas flip out hard.
Item 4:
Ninjas can kill people, not give a crap, and flip out hard,
at the same time
.
Item 5:
Ninjas don't even know what “bedtime” means.
Item 6:
Ninjas don't need to go to school to learn a bunch of crap that they will never use. They only need to learn “cut” and “head” and that's it.
Item 7:
Ninjas will not feel obligated to buy some shoes after having been assisted by a shoe salesman for over thirty minutes.
Item 8:
Ninjas won't talk crap about you if they don't know anything about you.
Item 9:
Ninjas will not buy a bunch of crap they don't need just because it's half off.
Item 10:
A ninja will never break your heart—that is,
metaphorically
speaking.
Item 11:
If a ninja babe owes you a blow job, you will never have to be in the awkward position of asking for it.
Item 12:
A ninja will never cop a 'tude with his homies.
Item 13:
A niinja will not lie to your face about some shit when you know the truth about that shit and the shit's obvious and it's obvious you know the shit.
Item 14:
A ninja won't require that you make your bed when
EVERYBODY
knows that it will be messy later that night.
Item 15:
A ninja won't make you do something in a less efficient manner just because “he's the boss” and “it is how it's always been done.”
Item 16:
If they want, ninjas can eat ice cream and tacos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and nobody is going to give a crap.
Item 17:
Ninjas are fabulous dancers.
After the lawyer said all that stuff, the judge jumped on his desk and started wailing on a guitar. Everybody went nuts and started partying hard. The case was thrown out that very second and, apparently, the ninjas and judge still hang out every
95
once
96
in
97
a
98
while.
99
BOOK: Real Ultimate Power
12.08Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

The Shifting Price of Prey by McLeod, Suzanne
A Sense of the Infinite by Hilary T. Smith
Zombified by Adam Gallardo
Jillian Cade by Jen Klein
A Heartbeat Away by Eleanor Jones
Enigma by Aimee Ash
Down: Trilogy Box Set by Glenn Cooper
The Tycoon's Tender Triumph by Lennox, Elizabeth