Reasons Mommy Drinks (14 page)

Slices of orange

Cherry

INSTRUCTIONS

Hurry and combine the dark rum, lemon juice, and passion fruit syrup in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into an ice-filled hurricane glass (it’s tulip shaped, but really, any glass will do). Garnish with the orange slices and cherry.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy’s weekly TV consumption has skyrocketed since your birth, rivaling levels seen only in the early 1990s, when she was a latchkey kid. At least back then her female TV role models were Angela Bower and Clair Huxtable. Now she’s stuck with Khloé Kardashian. The first spike occurred in your early weeks, when Mommy’s maternity-leave routine consisted of parking herself in front of the (appropriately named) boob tube every two hours while you suckled on her breast for marathon feeding sessions. After a decade of resorting to Soapcentral.com for updates, finally she could watch the drama unfold in real time, a perk that helped her cope with the tragic loss of her income and abs that accompanied your birth. Unfortunately, this period was short-lived, as Mommy’s daytime routine soon evolved to that of an Ironman athlete between cross-city treks to Gymboree and wrestling competitions with high chairs and strollers. Mommy’s days have become so physically taxing that by the time your bedtime rolls around, collapsing in front of the TV is the only activity that doesn’t leave her breathless. Sometimes Mommy wishes it was still PC to park you in front of
Sesame Street
, so she could (learn to) cook a meal or read something other than the What to Expect series, safe in the knowledge that Big Bird’s alphabet song was permeating your subconscious mind. But the interweb is abuzz with warnings that TV before the age of two will supposedly saddle you with attention-deficit disorder for life. Even though she knows that next year a new study will be released showing Einstein-like brain patterns in kids exposed to
Dora the Explorer
from birth, in yet another victory for Mommy Guilt, the remote control has been relegated to a teething device in your presence.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce peach schnapps

1 ounce Irish cream

1 dash grenadine

INSTRUCTIONS

Pour the schnapps into a highball glass. Add the Irish cream to the center and top with grenadine. Serve with a TV dinner.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Pre-baby Facebook was fun. Post-baby Facebook is hell. The status updates from the non-baby crew are: Exotic travel! References to music! Checked in at hipster pizzeria slash tequila bar! Mommy longs for the days where she was part of that elite crew who put their night back together through tagged photos and Foursquare. And what the hell is a meme? Mommy can’t keep up.

The status updates from the baby crew are: My baby! Don’t you love my profile pic that’s of my baby? Check out another upload of my baby! Below the photo there are comments from other parents about how cute the baby is, followed by many exclamation points. Mommy only wishes she could post what everyone’s really thinking: That kid ain’t right. Hey look, Mommy has a friend request! Sadly, it’s Insert Baby Name Here’s Mom from playgroup. (Ignore.) After commenting on a link to the latest OK Go video in an effort to project an image that she’s still cool, Mommy was tagged covered in regurgitated rice cereal at Salsa Babies Dance Class. Mommy’s status update: Feeling as relevant as Myspace. (Wait, three friends “like” this?)

INGREDIENTS

5 ounces sparkling wine

1 ounce raspberry vodka

Splash of Chambord

Fresh raspberries

INSTRUCTIONS

Pour the wine, vodka, and Chambord into a Champagne flute and stir. Garnish with raspberries and enjoy the instant friends you make when you serve it.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

According to her old Match.com profile, Mommy has always cared about the environment. Though she recycles her Diet Coke cans and avoids eating things like baby panda frittata, she may have
slightly
exaggerated when she said her perfect date night was “hand washing the poor baby penguins from the Dawn commercials.” The thing is, buying a car that runs on sunshine and hugs just wasn’t high on her list of priorities. Since you’ve been born, however, she is struck by just how shitty we’ve been treating our planet. It’s a real buzzkill to actually watch the YouTube video of Gordon Ramsay’s shark fin soup exposé or discover via Twitter that the ozone is so screwed that soon we’re all going to look like the cast of
Jersey Shore
. If the North Pole melts and all of Santa’s reindeer drown in a flash flood, she’s pretty sure that will ruin your childhood. When Mommy really thinks about it, she worries not only about the future of our planet but about the growing threat of violence, poverty, and disease, and how she’ll ever protect you from all of it. (Whoa, that shit got real.) No longer can Mommy turn a blind eye to
Mother Earth: Special Victims Unit
. However, Mommy draws the eco-line at cloth diapers. After the Exxon disaster that came out of you this morning, she’s going to have to stick with disposable.